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Occulus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 10:41 PM
Original message
Please tell us about your "coming out horrors".
Edited on Mon Oct-09-06 11:02 PM by kgfnally
Twelve years ago tonight my mom found out I'm gay and kicked me out of the house, literally into the rain. The rest of that story is posted elsewhere.

Last May, she insulted both me and the people I care about... on a day we were supposed to be celebrating my birthday. I haven't spoken to her since, and I don't think I will ever again. My mother is definitely not worth my time.

This thread is about our BAD coming out stories. I'm still not 'over it', by ANY stretch, and I feel the need to cry in my beer tonight; as they say, misery loves company.

What are your BAD coming out stories?

Let's cleanse.

edit: please, help me out and try to keep this kicked for a while. I want to know how alone I am in situations like this...


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Catherine Vincent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 10:46 PM
Response to Original message
1. That's so sad.
I can't see how some parents can dis-own their own flesh and blood like that.
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Occulus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 10:57 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. It IS sad, but the one thing I never hear is
how to deal with it. especially after so many years, and still hurting inside almost as umch as I did the day after it happened.

That's what so many people don't understand. The pain hasn't ended. Time hasn't dimmed it; I get reminders almost every day of what I lost from my life. Not to mention, they turned my greatest joy into my greatest shame into the bargain.

I don't want anything to do with music or performance or composing or any of what I once loved because of the shame I feel over having to leave it and hot being able to get back to it. And that was, honestly, what kept getting me out of bed every morning... and they knew that.

But then, these are the same people who knew I was musically talented when I was five- to the point that they "were going to" put me on the Suzuki violin method. Had they done so, I'd be a concert violinist by now, probably a soloist. I'm not being modest- that was what my potential was; I was playing extracts from "Rhapsody in Blue" by the time I was a high school senior, and without any piano lessons, to boot.

My mom still won't get the piano tuned, like she promised me in an IOU in lieu of a birthday gift when I was 18 or 19... and just relating that one brings tears to my eyes....

It's as if they wanted to hurt me as badly as they possibly could, without laying a finger on me so nobody else would know. They could not have done a more complete job if they had sat down and planned it all from the beginning. Not that they did that, but damn if it doesn't look as though that's the case...
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Catherine Vincent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 11:21 PM
Response to Reply #3
6. I don't think people know how to deal with it. I wish I could help
you. All I know is your parents will regret they ever disowned you like that. I know it's been a long time but they will. If they have a conscious, they will. I could see friends treating you like that but I could never imagine your own parents.

Here is a cyber hug for ya. :hug:
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Occulus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 11:28 PM
Response to Reply #6
8. My father died in 2002
He never once said anything about any of it to me.

Never.

I was waiting, too......
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Botany Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 10:50 PM
Response to Original message
2. i will admit to you that I am straight ..... but
I know your are in pain and that you hurt. Just remember what
George Harrison said, "Being angry and hating somebody else is
like taking a pill of poison in every morning and hoping that it
kills somebody else."

Kill your mother w/ love .... it might not get to her but it
will make you the better person in the long run.

peace



all things must pass
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Occulus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 10:58 PM
Response to Reply #2
4. I tried that for ten years and ended up nearly killing myself instead n/t
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Botany Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 11:12 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. Then stay away from each other .....
.... Your mom has X # of years built into her that gay = bad and
that if my daughter really loved me she would get me a Grandchild
and be straight ..... and many factors still go into telling your
mom the wrong message; that because he daughter is gay
either her daughter or herself is not that good of a person.

Be good to yourself and know that you are worth something.

And remember parents are just as fucked up as anybody else.



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Occulus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 11:27 PM
Response to Reply #5
7. Son
I'm her son.

I't amusing how many people think I'm female. Tis even happens on the telephone... and I don't have a high voice; I sing baritone, in fact.

What hurts the most is, well, two things:

1) I was just as talented as a kid, and they didn't do anything to clue me in; I did NOT know I could sing well, and thought everyone else could as easily; AND on top of this non-knowledge, I felt like I couldn't do anything at all right the whole time I was growing up,

and

2) putting all the time into music as a teen and young adult that I did, and having it all come to nothing because of people other than myself (I was sleeping under trees on campus, for fuck's sake; NOBODY can say I didn't try hard enough, and my grades at the time be damned)

and

3) being told after all that that both of my parents knew beyond doubt I was talented by the time I was five and not doing a damn thing about it. Point of fact: my mom threatened to slam the lid of the piano keys on my fingers if I didn't stop playing during her soaps. Bother she and my father complained I played too loud, yet would not get me piano lessons, though I all but begged.

These are the same people who sent me off to Wolverine Vocal Music Camp instead of Interlochen or Blue Lake, yet told me every year who I knew who was going to those two camps. I could have learned a LOT more there, but I guess the ascent in my own self-esteem was potentially too much for them to handle.

Parents may be as fucked up as everyone else, but there's a line, and I'd say they crossed it, and shamelessly at that... even proudly...

BTW: Mom has over $400K invested. Money was not a problem by the time I was ready for college...
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Occulus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-09-06 11:42 PM
Response to Original message
9. But DAMMIT this ISN'T supposed to be about ME
I want stories from OTHER people who had SIMILAR problems. Why? Oh, I don't know, maybe:

+ To know I'm not alone
+ To try to figure out why, maybe a 'pattern among equals' or some such
+ To better understand these people

I didn't want this thread to become a pity party for *me*..... I want to know who, what and how, and thereby try to figure out why we get treated this way.

Come on, people. Dont be shy. Tell us your bad stories.

Or am I really one of very few?
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Dragonbreathp9d Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 02:15 AM
Response to Original message
10. This is not m story, but it is a friend of mine's
He never actually told his mom or dad (who is serving in Iraq ad has the whole 'macho man' attitude), but when they found out, they kicked him out of the house until he could come back straight. About a week later, he suddenly had 'changed' and was dating a really nice girl. But, obviously, it didnt last.

Another one of my friends came out when he was about 15 I think, and his parents shiped him off to a Christian 'reeducation' camp, and then he came back 'sraight.'
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ninkasi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 02:21 AM
Response to Original message
11. Ok, you might not want my observations
because I'm straight, but I was the one who, over 25 years ago, heard the agony of a 14 year old boy as he admitted he was gay. He was one of my daughter's very best friends. His own mother was divorced, and pretty much abandoned him and his younger brother to find their own way in life, while she drank herself into a stupor before taking her own life. Years later, his younger brother took the same path.

All I could do, that summer night so long ago, was to assure this wonderful boy that being gay was part of who he was. I told him that he would face many challenges in life, from people who were ignorant, or narrow minded, or just spiteful. He became like part of our family. Today, he is in a wonderful, stable relationship with a man I've grown to love, as well. They recently adopted a little boy from the Ukraine, and are giving their son a wonderful, love filled life.

I can only imagine how badly your mother's attitude must have hurt you. As a woman, I can't imagine any circumstances which would make me kick one of my children out. I want to tell you, though, that the act of giving birth does not make us mothers saints. Some parents, and some siblings, are simply toxic. Your mother obviously felt that by being who you were both to be was enough to turn you out. No mother who has an ounce of genuine love could do such a thing.

The fault does not lie with you. It lies with your mother. It's not wrong to shut her out of your life, as painful as I think that was for you, but no woman has the right to claim that because she gave birth to a child, she can dictate her child's life. Kgfnally, there is nothing wrong with you. Live your life, and realize that you are living an honest life, and are living the life you were born to live. Just cherish the people who love and accept you, and pity your mother, because to me, having a child hurt by anything I say, or do, is the worst thing in the world.

Let your friends surround you, and enjoy their company. Live knowing that you have not lived in the dark closet, but have chosen instead to live in the light, and to have the same rights...exactly the same rights...as any of the rest of us have. Granted, our country needs in the worst way to change laws, so that you have the same rights of marriage, adoption, and inheritance that those of us who are living the lives WE were born to live do. None of us has the ability, before we are born, to decide what our sexual preference will be. We will become what we were born to become. Nobody, mother, father, sibling, or anybody else, has the right to question that.

I wish I could ease your pain. I wish you felt loved and accepted, and I realize that this forum will not make up for your day to day life. I only want you to realize, though, that you are valued as a member of the DU community, and I will hope, every day, that your life is filled with wonder, and beauty, and that you can overcome the negative attitudes you have experienced in the past.
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cboy4 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 04:02 AM
Response to Reply #11
12. What an inspirational post. Of course we want to hear from thoughtful
people like yourself.

Thank you for taking time to share your wonderful story ninkasi! :pals:
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Catherine Vincent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-10-06 09:20 AM
Response to Reply #11
13. That's a very uplifting post.
Edited on Tue Oct-10-06 09:21 AM by cat_girl25
I think kgfnally would like that. :)
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Rowdyboy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Oct-11-06 12:54 AM
Response to Reply #11
14. Apparently, your heterosexuality doesn't inhibit your humanity....
I read your words several times and they left me feeling incredibly encouraged. Wish I could have said it as well as you did..... :thumbsup:
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readmoreoften Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Oct-11-06 01:46 AM
Response to Original message
15. Not mine, someone elses: homeless at college.
2 years ago at NYU ($46,000 a year tuition PLUS living in Manhattan), an undergraduate's parents disowned him because he was gay. He wound up living in the NYU library for a year or two (trying to evade detection), sleeping on chairs, showering in the gym, and working 5 jobs while being homeless. He has since disappeared-- or maybe graduated. It's unknown.

Fuck homophobic parents.
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bigwillq Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Oct-11-06 10:31 PM
Response to Original message
16. I am very sorry
you had a bad coming out story.

You didn't deserve to be treated that way and if your own mother can't see it, then you are right. She is not worth your time.


Surround yourself with love. You deserve it.

:hi: :hug:
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bigscott Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 09:00 AM
Response to Reply #16
17. i got one for you
Edited on Thu Oct-12-06 09:00 AM by bigscott
told my parents i was gay when i was in college - they kicked me out until i came to my senses. So I graduated and married a woman - my best friend. Fast forward 15 years, I have a son and am still gay but living a "straight" life. Finally I come out to my wife (she knew all along of course) and a few weeks later we go visit my parents and tell them together. They were shocked that I came out but not really surprised. they were concerned most about my son (if I got divorced would they ever see him?). My (now) ex-wife was very supportive. About a week after we told my parents, my father ended up in the hospital for some surgery - he never came out, dying of a heart attack after a week or so in ICU. I was able to be with him at the end and he told me he loved me no matter what... :hug:

The kicker was at his funeral, his sister - my aunt - told me he died of a broken heart because I was gay. Nice. especially from a 75 year old single woman ( who everyone thinks is gay - i never really cared). SOOOOOO, needless to say, the only one who loses out is my aunt, bitter bitch that she is. My son and I have a great relationship. My ex and I are best friends. My mom and I are ok - she wants me happy but likes the fact that I am single :silly:

Coming out was hard - staying in the closet was harder.
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ThomCat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 04:49 PM
Response to Original message
18. I ended up homeless in college too.
And my dad deliberately screwed me with my financial aid too. x(

I know people who don't believe that homophobia is real, or believe that it is real but isn't all that serious. If our own families can treat us this way then it's as real as a heart attack.
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oxymoron Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Oct-14-06 12:25 AM
Response to Original message
19. Well...
My parents and four of my siblings pretty much disowned us (I have a gay brother). 30 years later we still rarely see them and are not invited to family functions. It's their loss.
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Puglover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Oct-14-06 07:46 AM
Response to Original message
20. Only one bad story to tell here.
My girlfriend from the 9th grade to my senior year in college came to town with her 2 young kids and husband. We went out to lunch (her and I), went for a walk around the lake and then I took her to my partners and my apartment. It was there that I came out to her. She was cool and left shortly after. I gave her a friendly kiss goodbye.

The next morning she called (I thought to say goodbye) and asked me if I had AIDS. I was really taken aback at first thinking she was concerned for me. And then I figured out that she was worried about the kiss. I said something like "You know Susan, you really should get out of Iowa more often." Which to her was a real insult because she spent all the years I knew her bitching about Iowa and how she was going to leave and it goaded her that I was the one who ended up the traveler.

I saw her at my brother and Moms funerals and I was a bitch to her. I realized I was still pissed at her.

I realize this doesn't compare to you "horrors" but it did sting.

My family was wonderful when I came out. So I consider myself lucky.

Pug
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Q3JR4 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-16-06 10:28 PM
Response to Original message
21. This story isn't about me,
but I guess in a round about way it is.

I came out to my family through a website that a good portion of them frequented. One of my aunts informed my grandfather that I was no longer welcome at her home.

Three months later her son informed her that he was bisexual and was going to be taking a guy to prom with him. I was told shortly after that my grandfather found this to be quite hilarious.

That is frustrating in another way. My grandparents both have refused to deal with the fact that I am gay directly. My grandmother once informed my mother that if I get married that would be one wedding she would not attend. I told my mother (and I would tell my grandmother too) that if that's how she decides to treat me that that would be it. I would never again have anything to do with her. Why would anyone put politics (or their own insane prejiduces) above their own flesh and blood? If she can do it, I can too.

I know it doesn't compare to what has happened to you, but I've been lucky. God, Gods, providence, or luck be with you in all that you do in the future.

:hug:
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KagomJack Donating Member (9 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-16-06 10:33 PM
Response to Original message
22. Wow...
I really didnt' have it that bad...but it the way parents react can still hurt no matter what, right?

My mother (who is divorced) pretty much broke down crying, told me she had failed as a parent, told me that I'm sick and twisted and needed therapy. We've been fighting on the issue of my being gay for 3 years straight. In fact, when I moved to Cali to live with my boyfriend, she was very disapproving of it, but now she's somewhat okay, seeing as how she now knows she has no other logical choice. My father doesn't know and the only other family member who knows is my cousin Kate (which I was afraid to tell her because I thought she'd freak out and be one of those people who'd think I'd molest her child or something because people do assume all gays are pedophiles and will molest children, male or female). She's the only supportive one.

But I do empathize with those who have had it bad in terms of being disowned or kicked out of your home. No one deserves such harsh treatment.
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