So why do gay guys insist on calling my bi-self "straight"

[AzNick]

Seriously?

Lesbians have no issues understanding what I am, so what's that?

[Hello_Kitty]

1. That's interesting, because gay guys have told me they think bi dudes are really gay.

Not a scientific survey, obviously, but I was always under the impression that that was the perception.

[AzNick]

3. I am gay when I am with a man that's for sure...

But besides that I do fancy women, so what gives???

[Jamastiene]

2. I doubt all gay guys would call you straight, if you are bi.

It's probably just some gay guys you know who said it, not all gay guys. Maybe you could ask the ones calling you straight why they say that.

[iris27]

4. A lot of assholes want to insist that all women must be bi and all men must be either het or gay.

Like any sort of gender-essentialist bullshit, that sends my rage-o-meter from zero to 60 pretty much instantaneously.

[RKP5637]

5. Probably depends on your personality, more straight acting than gay. Most

people IMO tend to be percentages of this and that, As I understand none are generally 100% either way. I'm that way.

[TlalocW]

6. I don't call you straight...

I call you... GREEDY! C'mon, some of us nerdy straight guys have enough trouble finding a date and don't need the competition! Fish or cut bait!!!

Just joshin'.

TlalocW

[nevergiveup]

7. Just a thought

Many gay men, especially of the older generation, because of societal pressures got married and then gradually came out. I know men like this and some because of their history still refer to themselves as bi even though they are presently living an exclusively gay life. Others I know with the same history call themselves gay and some of this group snicker at those who hold onto the bi label. I know gay men who truly believe if you are having sex with both men and women you are straight and others who believe if you have ever had sex with a man and like it you are absolutely totally gay. There are also gay men who are totally accepting of the possibility of a man being bi-sexual. It is a mixed bag out there and some of it is generational. If you are truly bi then you should be comfortable with it and not worry about what some gay men are thinking or saying.

[ProgressiveProfessor]

8. Historically Bi and T* have not been well treated by the rest of the homosexual community

T* in particular have been thrown under the bus more than once, told my mainstream gays to stay out of sight in the fight for rights and acceptance.

[Q3JR4]

9. I consider myself to be "gay",

but I also realize that I have more than a passing interest in the female form. I leave open the possibility that that at some point I'll be with a woman even though it's never happened.

People are just people. We do what we do and we can't control what we feel for the men and women around us. It was Kinsey who said that human sexuality exists on a spectrum with very few absolutely "straight" or absolutely "gay" people.

We place ourselves in a box when we call ourselves one thing or the other, and that's how we begin to see the world. Anyone who doesn't live in one of those boxes has to be bent and broken until they do.

I have no problem with men (or women) who love both men and women and call themselves bisexual, because I realize that most of us are bisexual whether we want to admit it or not.

Q3JR4.

[closeupready]

11. "most of us are bisexual whether we want to admit it or not" - I absolutely agree with that.

n/t

[RKP5637]

13. +1, n/t

[TheWraith]

19. Well put.

Social standards for what constitutes sexuality have been a lot more variable over the history of sex than people think. For large periods of time in ancient Rome, it was considered eccentric or strange for someone to solely and exclusively have sexual contact with one gender, particularly for men. Not even just in the context of experimentation, but just regular sexual behavior.

Most people in society have a sexual preference, ranging from moderate to very strong, and some have wiring so strong that they're simply not able to enjoy sex with their own gender. But the people who have moderate preferences are trained by society to suppress that, and pick one or the other, just as in the past more exclusively gay people were forced to live as heterosexuals.

Take me. I have a girlfriend, but I have in the past had interest in having sex with another man, and may have such an interest again in the future. On the Kinsey scale, I'd probably rate something like a 1.5. My girlfriend on the other hand probably rates a 3.0, as she's previously been in a long term relationship with another woman. It's not that I'm "straight" and she's "gay," nor even that she's bi and I'm not. Variables are useful for a reason.

[closeupready]

10. There was a time when famous men who were actually gay would say they are bi.

And sometimes, that meant, 'well, when I was 16, I got an erection with my girlfriend and had sex with her - and even though that was the only time in my life that I had sex with a woman and it's been 25 years since then, I can still distance myself from being a social pariah/calling myself gay, and I'm entitled to call myself bisexual.'

Times have changed, though, and I'm surprised that there are all that many people who feel that when a guy says he's bi, it really means he's gay. Equally surprised that people who live in the mainstream life of urban civilization still (today) get all that hung up about sex.

Ironically, I know more than a few men who THOUGHT they were gay, and then, at some point in adulthood decided to try having sex with a woman, and found that they were capable of performing satisfactorily.

On edit, I see nevergiveup in Post #7 captures my thoughts better than I did, lol.

[sui generis]

12. it depends. I am with the gay police.

If you are too back butt fugly or hairy or "straight actin'" to have received a high gaydar rating that's also a possibility.

:hide: I refuse to mock myself with a sarcasm thingie.


Seriously? To most insular gays somebody who sleeps with women and enjoys it regardless of his willingness to do same with men is not gay, BECAUSE doncha know, the gay identity is someone who DOESN'T sleep with women and doesn't want it, and you're the opposite. Ergo, straight.

I think our back brains really do process something like that, speaking for many, but not all.

[AzNick]

17. I am not "flaming gay" if that's what "acting straight" means...

I'd say a good half of my partners were men and the other half women, so I believe I am, indeed, bi.

But socially I found it very hard to come out as bi. I don't come out as anything. Most straight guys would talk about such or such actress as being "hot" and I will agree or not. Never about such or such male personality because it is not socially acceptable. Although yesterday when I said I did not find Angelina Jolie attractive anymore (way too thin), when someone asked if I did find Brad Pitt attractive I want to say "hell yeah" but instead just sat there smiling.

I also don't frequent the gay scene so to speak. I do have strong sympathies for gay activism and if I were a public servant, would certainly not vote against gay rights, I'd have to be a Republican for that.

To me it seems that bisexuality is less socially accepted and yet it is so common. If one is to believe Kinsey (I know...) then it's more prevalent than single gender preference.

What bothers me is the fact that gay guys would call me straight, which I am not.

Could it be because I did not have to go through their anguish and struggles by socially acting straight?

[sui generis]

18. nah. "gay" is not a sexual orientation thing so much as

a cultural thing. If you don't strongly personally identify with gay culture, you shouldn't try to force a label that doesn't really fit. Same thing with a purely "straight" definition of norms.

I mean, there's no requirement that you boink x number of same gender people every year to qualify, nor can you put it on your driver's license like eye color or height.

I think what you're observing is that self-identifying is richer and different from limited third party categorization. You have more categories than they do, and that's okay.

Me - I just say I like it all, and don't care about the title, sash and crown, from either or any side. I can be a chameleon, and that's really what I am, but it's too much bother to explain, so live in the moment, enjoy the moment, and worry about more important things than labels.

Also, when you get to labeling, you become heretical if you choose no label, kind of like atheists are sometimes viewed as the enemy of all mostly for not picking a side, not for not believing.

[shedevil69taz]

23. Its kind of like politics

most people I talk to can't understand that I don't belong to one of the major parties and don't blindly support one or the other, so I take a lot of shit (mostly from republicans) for not "getting on board".

I say you should do and act whichever way makes the most sense for YOU not for anyone else.

[TheWraith]

14. Some people are threatened by bisexuality.

Gay people particularly. Whether they realize it or not, they feel that it undermines the fact that they didn't choose to be gay.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. yup

[Touchdown]

21. Not necessarily bisexuals in my opinion...

but transexuals/transgenders definitely. There are time I struggle with my thinking on it.

Gay/Bis say... "This is natural. I had no choice, and my childhood had no influence on my orientation. Nature did not make a mistake. My sexuality is hard wired into me without any outside input." The Trans says... "Wait! I am not in the correct gender. Nature made a mistake. I need medical technology to make me into a natural person."

I know I'm being very simplistic, and I certainly don't want to hold this against anybody, but I do think this sometimes. The problem is one argument is about sexual orientation, and the other is about gender identity, and one cannot really use the same arguments for both.

[Beam Me Up]

16. I'm gay and I'm not calling you straight.

If you tell me you're bi, I assume you're telling me the truth. It is how you understand or perceive yourself, right?

FWIW, I've identified as gay since I was a teenager but from 25 to 35 I was in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I continued to identify as gay event then, much to the consternation of many of our friends. "You must be bi," they said. "No, I'm gay," I insisted. My reason for maintaining that identification was that the majority of my sexual fantasies centered on men. That didn't mean I couldn't fall in love with and have a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman. It was a bit surprising to me when it happened but it happened (we're still best friends, 20 years later). Since then I've been in two long-term homosexual relationships. I don't let other people tell me what I am. I know what I am and if they can't 'grock' it, that's their problem.

[Touchdown]

20. because I've fallen for 3 of you and you all left me for a woman.

...every fucking time! When it's time to buy curtains... Settling down straight is always the default with you guys.

"Oh, you know Baby! I'm Bi-sexual, so that means I NEEEEEEEEEED both!" Admit it! It's an excuse to cheat!

On a side note. I won't fall for a Bi-guy again... but I bet your cute!:P

[AzNick]

25. Because straight lifestyle is still more acceptable

And we also struggle, that's what you need to understand.

Note: I told my then fiancee all about me and she is ok with it.

Yes, she knows I play around. It's complex but it works. Not always easy.

[IntravenousDemilo]

22. I think that for a lot more gays, "bi" really tends to mean "on the way to gay".

Those gay men who referred to you as "straight" are probably in the minority, but I guess they probably think of you as straight for the same narrow reason that many straight men would call you gay.

[xchrom]

24. A of lesbian and gay folk are threatened

By Bi folk having to do with perceived personal insecurity
and unattainability.

Sui generis does a good job explaining it.

And one poster complaining of rejection.

I've never had a problem with the Bi community
and I believe in the lgBtiq insignia.

[Union Yes]

26. I'm gay, I'd rather call you brother.

Don't let some queen get you down.

We're all in this thing together.

Peace
UY

:hi: