When someone stops loving you, is religion the answer?

[FLyellowdog]

I've always felt that I just plain and simply don't have the "god gene" and was perfectly content to go through life as an atheist. But recent spouse problems have me wondering if there's something else out there that would help me get through these current personal bad times.

Since you asked....
It's nothing more than a broken heart after 45 years with the same man. He doesn't want a divorce...for that I can be grateful I guess, but it still hurts. And I don't think I can just be his "roommate" as he suggests.

So I've fallen in this deep black hole and can't see my way out. Had I been a practicing Christian, would this be any easier? I know I'm unreasonably scared right now and just not thinking straight, but I really am at a loss. Maybe I'm not as much an atheist as I thought I was. On the other hand praying about this seems so hypocritical to me. I don't know. I don't think I'm going to bounce back...too old and too tired.

Just askin'...

[gateley]

1. I'm so sorry.

I can't give you advice about religion - I've never personally found comfort in it, but I'm hoping others can be more helpful to you.

:hug:

[HBravo]

2. Peace is where you find it.

I just went through a separation. As a Christian I found peace through praying and talking to God. I am not trying to tell you anything other than what worked for me. My heart goes out to you. The one thing I can tell you is get out "roommates" will only make the situation worse. Sorry,:pals:

[Warpy]

3. No, you can't pretend to believe something you really don't

However, social support can be a huge help in times of personal crisis, and that's one thing churches are very good at.

If there's a Unitarian Universalist church near you, consider it. They accept all sorts of questioners and seekers. Also consider grief counseling if this is a long term thing. You are grieving not only the loss of a person but the loss of a life you thought would go on forever. Both social support and counseling can help you come to terms with it.

Good luck, I wish you the best. People can and do survive getting the foundation kicked out from under them and age has little to do with it. Just know that it's not going to be this bleak forever. You will move on.

[Mimosa]

4. Religion, maybe not. Belief in yourself, YES!

FLyellowdog, if the man you've lived with is unable to continue the journey of commitment, growth and love, something is wrong with his heart and soul. Each person in a relationship may have separate spiritual/mental paths. But what most of us know as love quit being love/romance after the first 12 to 20 years.

Real love is caring and commitment, and involves patience as well as understanding. The person you trusted and loved sounds like an emotional amputee. Do what's best for you. Who knows what the Creator intends for any of us within the big picture. I believe you are loved. My heart (at least part of it ) goes out to you in all sincerity. {{{HUG}}}

[havocmom]

5. Answer? Not sure there is one. There is TOMORROW though, and the future

You get there through growth. Maybe the path to growth for some is religion. I think it more likely the path is learning about self, and what things in life enrich and give meaning to each person's self.

Grow. There is light and even love, though it may come in surprising wrappings off in your future.
Find things that interest YOU. Live for YOU. Be a great friend to YOU.

Once, years ago, I lost someones love and thought it was the end of my life. I found a great peer support group in my area. It saved me. One gent, after I had vented my spleen (and was probably nearly suicidal) simply asked: "#####, Don't you want to know how it all turns out?" I figured he was the dumbest man in the county. I KNEW how it all turns out - me alone and in unbearable pain, until I died.

I stuck it out, with help from old friends, and more importantly, new friends, including myself.

It was many years ago. Another man loves and treasures me. I am older, fatter, more frail, but he cherishes me and I enjoy, love, adore, and respect him. He is so much finer than that bloke who stopped loving me and made me think I should just die.

Tried LOTS of new things. Learned more. Studied, played, explored to find what really made ME feel better about life in general. Lots of surprises.

Growth. It's the path. Make a list of five things you like to do, and DO THEM. Then expand your list. It is probably very hard to come up with the first five things. After you get to twenty-five, things you like to do seem to start pouring into your head. Do things for YOU. Do things to stretch YOU, comfort YOU, challenge YOU, inspire YOU, sustain YOU. Live for you.

Notice more. Appreciate more. Tell people who are of value to you that you value them. Be grateful and be aware.

You grow when you focus on the outside and the inside. It is hard at first. But you are a garden worth tending.

PM any time. Know people care. Know others have survived the dark place, and you can to.

Today is not what forever feels like. Trust me.

Holding a light up in the tunnel for you. Many of us are a ways down the path and will be here to help you find your way.

Today is not what forever feels like. I promise. Things will change and you will be out of the dark. Religion may be a path for you. Spirituality (which I think is honest growth) might be a better thing to seek. Don't follow dogma in hopes of feeling better. Grow, how ever you need to .

Today is not what forever feels like.

hm

[Quantess]

6. Are you committed to your atheism? Or do you wonder sometimes?

Wayne Dyer has some spiritually inspiring books that are non-denominational. Reading his books improves my mood greatly. His spiritual beliefs are similar to mine, although I'm a bit more agnostic than he seems to be. (But I suppose agnostics don't tend to write very inspirational books, anyway.)

[FLyellowdog]

9. Thank you so much. I'll find some of his works. nt

[FLyellowdog]

7. Thank you taking the time to reply.

I know a support group would help. I can't afford counseling right now and I know in my heart I would fall apart during any kind of church service. I've done both of those things in the past and I'm much too vulnerable to peer influence even under the best of circumstances. Probably just weak-minded. lol

I'm guessing I'll just try to do the best that I can do...but right now, it's about more than I can bear. Keeping on keeping on is the best I can hope for. I should probably stay off the computer when it's so dark and depressing, especially at night.

Again, thanks.

[HBravo]

13. The Church's that I have been with in the past do

not judge you. They (the people) are there for you all you need to do is ask. Most of us do not feel worthy but we are worthy of GOD's love. Sorry I do not want to come off as preachy.:hug:

[madmax]

19. Try this book

'The Sermon on the Mount' by Emmett Fox

Reviews: http://www.amazon.com/Sermon-Mount-Key-Success-Life/product-reviews/0060628626/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Originally published in the 1930's it's still in print and has help me and many friends who I've purchased copies. Try it - :hug:

[FLyellowdog]

24. Thank you for the link. nt

[wtmusic]

8. At times like these

it always seems like you won't bounce back, that the hollow feeling will never go away. But you will, and it will too.

You might get some relief out of accepting that it's going to be difficult for a while, possibly months. Probably not years. You may prolong your recovery by staying with him.

It would feel hypocritical to me too if I sought God when I had no reason to seek him before, grasping at straws as it were. I suggest seeing a good therapist who can really get into details of your situation with you and discuss options. Ask friends about a good one in your area, and follow through with it if it's at all possible for you to afford it.

Best of luck, I too had a personal crisis in the last year and I'm just starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

:thumbsup:

[FLyellowdog]

10. Thank you for your kindness...I hope your woundedness has healed. nt

[MadMaddie]

11. Honestly I think you would still experience the same

pain and heartache.

A belief in certain religion does not negate the human condition.

I am sorry that you are going through this but you will make it through it.

Madmaddie

[haele]

12. I'm sorry. But as a pagan married to an atheist -

raised by an anthropologist and a history teacher, and having worked with or been in charge of many different people from many different cultures and religions, I can tell you that this sort of thing happens to anyone, whether they're Christian or not. And it's not easier, no matter what spiritual background they come from. Would it be any easier if you were a practicing Buddhist? Or a polytheist or some other spiritual believer? At least with Santeria or Voodun, or some of the other Animist traditions, you can have some sort of ritual; burn a personal item or picture, sacrifice a chicken, something to let go to some fertility or family god to either curse him or look for a way to let your old relationship go and find peace in the new one - or to help you start a new life.
I don't know if this will help any, because I am rambling a bit to try and figure out a way to express something that is more of a personal concept to be a more understandable tool that you or someone else in your situation might find helpful. And of course, this does not outweigh the help that a regular old secular therapist might give you.

As for Christianity - some Christians will tell you to pray in a loving Ghod, Jesus, or some Saint that will help you find peace, some Christians would tell you it's Ghod's plan - or worse, it's your fault for not doing your Christian duty and this is what happens for not following the scripture exact - that is, whichever scripture that your situation falls under. Some people find a lot of peace being a Christian; but it does requires a mindset you might or might not have to help you in this case.

If you are not the one who is driving this situation, the best you can do is figure out how best you can retain self control and self respect. One of the most common ways people cope with the understanding that they are not as equally in control of a situation as they used to be or they thought they were was by developing and practicing coping rituals that can put their emotions on a different plane than their reality; by lighting candles and meditating, singing or chanting, drumming, dancing, one can create an outlet that keeps emotional pressure from building up or overtaking them.

From what I've observed, Ritual is very important, even if you're an atheist; it doesn't have anything to do with a "god gene", it has to do with feeling some sort of control, consistency and/or belonging. Personally, I have found that as I enter menopause, if I slack at my personal rituals, it's harder to find my center, and I start feeling fragmented and am less likely to cope with stresses.

I wish for you the ability to find the path that will help you find peace in your situation. Whatever it may be.

Haele

[handmade34]

17. you are a wise soul

and should be listened to

[DeSwiss]

21. That was excellent. n/t

[Fumesucker]

14. I konw the feeling you are experiencing right now..

My wife of thirty years had an affair and divorced me about a year ago now, I never saw it coming.

The pain has abated some but since I'm a shy man, have no money and am not particularly attractive I'm resigned to being alone for the rest of my life.

I hope things get better for you, I can say that I'm not hurting as badly as I was a year ago, my two dogs still love me and that helps a great deal.

Edited to add: Oh, I'm an atheist and it never even occurred to me to change my spiritual orientation.

[FLyellowdog]

16. I'm so sorry.

I guess we think love will last forever...foolish people are we!!! You know, what's not to love about us? I guess our spouses (past and present) have that answer, right?

I hope you're reading the replies to my post because these unseen friends have some really great insights. Others, such as yourself, have survived and I'm guessing I will as well. There were a couple of days this past week that I wasn't sure I wanted to, but I know in my heart that time will help to heal this broken feeling.

I hope you continue to heal. Thank you for your thoughts.

[Fumesucker]

18. Thanks..

I did read the other responses, I'm glad you are getting some support here, I wasn't as direct about my situation as you have been on DU but I got some support last year too.

If I didn't have family who it would hurt and my two dogs who depend on me and love me I might have done away with myself. I don't feel that way now but the first few months were incredibly difficult. My ex told me she wanted a divorce a couple of days after New Years last year and this last New Years was quite hard..

[FLyellowdog]

22. I'm a shy person as well.

It's hard for me to make new friends so I'm sort of cutting off my nose to spite my face if I don't get out and seek friendships.

You have stuck to it and surpassed that "first year anniversary". We have to remember that just because those we loved don't love us anymore, that doesn't mean we're unloveable. We just had the bad luck to spend the majority of our lives with someone who wasn't as committed as we. I know that telling you this isn't really going to help you much, or me for that matter, but it is a basic truth. Sometimes truth is hard to swallow.

Continue to try to do better, and I will as well. :hi:

[Fumesucker]

26. It's been my experience that the harder I try for things the more I sabotage myself..

Deliberately seeking friends would never work for me, I'd just come across as desperate and would end up being shunned by anyone with any sense.

I've thought about taking some dance lessons or classes, since I'm self conscious I'm about as graceful as a drunken hippopotamus on ice if I think anyone is watching me, learning some rudimentary dance moves would probably help my physical self confidence.

It gets harder to make new connections the older you get, we get set in our ways and learning new things and people becomes less and less easy.

Anyhoo.. I just wanted to let you know that the pain does lessen with time, you'll come to think of your loss less frequently, I sometimes go for hours without thinking about it now although I don't think I've made it through an entire day yet.

Take care and good luck.. :hi:

[demosincebirth]

15. I seem to think that you already know the answer to your questiion.

[FLyellowdog]

23. I think I do too. nt

[handmade34]

20. 'religion' is not the answer

but support is (even if it comes in the form of a church group) and your post is a good start. You are not too old and you can rest to regain your spirit and energy. Give yourself latitude. Take in words of wisdom from wise people, let others help and drink tea. Many of us have been there and we survived, you will too.

[vixengrl]

25. I'm also an atheist--although kind of eclectic.

My first marriage was nowhere near as long as yours and our problems did lead to a divorce and a pretty hurtful situation where I had to go back to my parents' home because I had nowhere else to go or means to go it alone. I felt like I had failed at being a self-sufficient adult in a way, and I still had feelings for the man I had known since we were kids, but two things helped me:

I did go on a sort of "path", but my way was more Buddhist/pagan. I didn't feel like there was a being to talk to, but I decided that ritual would at least help me quiet down to where I could "talk" with my inner self better. I meditated and lit candles and incense, took long walks, enjoyed what I thought of as "pampering sessions" like long baths--just to try to get used to being with myself, because I was who I was going to have to spend my time with. It led to reading more and seeking out my own interests more. I like to think the time I spent on myself helped me not just get over it, but be more at home with myself.

Also, I found that reaching out and talking about it with family and friends wasn't a problem---which surprised me. I'm usually self-contained when it comes to my deepest feelings--but knowing I had people I could share my pain with, and realizing that I wasn't really alone, even if I was missing someone who I once felt like an extension of myself, helped my fill that sensation of emptiness.

I don't know if my suggestions will help, but I don't think embracing something that doesn't seem real to you would ultimately be much of a comfort. There would always be that nagging something that just says, "No, this isn't right," somewhere in the back of it.

I don't think you are too old or tired though. Emotional pain is exhausting. Depression that comes with it drains a person at any age--but where there's life and a will to live, I think there's hope. You just have to find whetever sparks you.

[FLyellowdog]

29. Thank you.

Yours is another of these posts that I've printed out so I can reread as needed. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated and hopefully I can learn from your example. Peace for you, my friend.
:hi:

[struggle4progress]

27. The psychology of personal crises can be complicated. Real friends, face to face or

by phone, may help you with a needed willing ear or soft shoulder, safely and comfortably; but I suspect strangers on a anonymous board really won't help much. Eating well, getting adequate exercise, interacting with other people, and not drifting into an erratic schedule may somewhat smooth your emotional roller coaster. If you need professional psychological help, don't be afraid to seek it: it might also be a very good idea to schedule a checkup with your doctor to ensure that some of your symptoms are not complicated by some disease (like diabetes) or aging process

Whatever your physical status and the actual nature of the psychological symptoms, you are free decide whether or not you wish to treat your problem partly as a spiritual crisis. I suspect most people, regardless of their religious views, can fall into black funks, and various religious traditions may offer different practical suggestions about how one can best deal with such emotional issues: some people believe (for example) that they can be healed physically and mentally through prayer, others that they can only be healed psychologically through prayer, and still others that they can only use prayer as method for changing themselves

If you want to explore the religious route, go visit a few church pastors (or buddhist meditation teachers or whatever seems appropriate to you) and try to pick one who you feel comfortable conversing with

[FLyellowdog]

30. Thank you for your thoughts.

Actually I feel today like those of you here have been a big help. That so many strangers would say such moving and meaningful things is uplifting, if even in a small way. Because I don't do well in face-to-face conversations, this has allowed me to listen from the heart. Everyone suffers in their own way and each of us heals in their own manner. Knowing that others have cried but then dried theirs tears and faced another day encourages my hope that I'll be able to do the same. I appreciate your suggestions...especially the healthful hints. I know these ideas to be good. Peace to you and yours.

[struggle4progress]

38. An interesting book on the Christian notion of love is Soren Kierkegaard's "Works of Love"

[FLyellowdog]

39. TY...nt

[rd_kent]

28. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! You do not need god or anyone else to love yourself.

So your man is a jerk? You do not NEED him for you to love yourself. Forcing yourself to believe in something you KNOW is not true, or at least HIGHLY UNLIKELY, will not help you to love yourself. The answer is INSIDE you!

[FLyellowdog]

31. I know, I know, I know.

But the nights are so long and so dark. At least today I am better than yesterday and that brings me some solace. This too shall pass, but, damn, I just wish it weren't a journey I had to make.

As another poster reminded me...I am a garden worth tending. I am truly going to keep that at the forefront of my mind and taking one step at a time, always trying to put one foot in front of the other.

Thank you for your thoughts. Every one of these replies has helped in some way. :hi:

[blaze]

32. Circular thinking

One of the best pieces of advice I received in AA was to avoid circular thinking which is, basically, what you get caught up in if you don't share with others what's going on in your life. You think about your problem and then think about it again and then think about it again and each time it circles through your head it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and incredibly out of proportion.

So I think coming here and posting is a really healthy thing to do. It'll help keep things in proportion.

I was raised in the Episcopal church, but long ago quit attending and my beliefs have changed substantially since then... but about 10 yrs ago I found a book that translates the Lord's Prayer and the Beatitudes directly from the Aramaic to English. The author says that SO much was lost with the original translation to Greek and then English... I have absolutely no scholarly creds to back up any of this, but I have found this book to be comforting and inspirational. And I think the translations can be enjoyed and inspirational no matter what your personal beliefs might be.

http://www.amazon.com/Prayers-Cosmos-Reflections-Original-Meaning/product-reviews/0060619953/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

[FLyellowdog]

34. I understand this.

Today has been a somewhat better day because I have chosen not to dwell on what would unnecessarily make me sad. I was told many years ago by a therapist that often people engage in castastrophic thinking; simply put, making a mountain out of a mole hill. Granted, this mole hill is well on it's way on it's own to becoming a mountain, but I still need to quit thinking about all the bad things and try to see some good coming from this. If nothing else, maybe I'll get an "A" for effort.

Thank you for your thoughts and especially for the link. I am finding strength from the strangest of places, but at this point, I'll takeit where I can get it and be ever so grateful.

Have a good week.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

33. There is no easy way for anyone of any worldview to get through this

It just has to be endured.

However, my faith communities have provided me with emotional support and ways to gain some perspective by helping other people.

[FLyellowdog]

35. Yes, this must be endured.

And though I have cried for many nights and screamed that I can not endure it, so far I have.
Thank you for your thoughts. Your kindness is greatly appreciated.
Continue your goal of helping others and I too will make an effort at doing the same.
May we all find peace.

[westerebus]

36. After my second divorce...

I was asked: Do you believe that as one door in your life closes, god opens another for you?

I said it's possible, now if you could get him to turn the lights on, I'd really appreciate it.

The person who asked the question laughed and said: I don't think that's how its supposed to work.

Neither do I.

That was ten years ago. I'm grateful for each and every day.

Keep paying the electric bill, you have a life ahead of you.

[FLyellowdog]

37. Thanks for another way of looking at things.

I told a friend today that I was sure there was pony in this crap somewhere. It's just going to take a lot of digging!

Enjoy the new week. :hi:

[lazarus]

40. nope, not the answer

After my son died, I was an absolute emotional wreck for a couple of years. For a very brief time, some members of a particularly nasty sect managed to use his death and my grief as an in for their con job. Fortunately, I snapped out of it quickly.

Religion is nothing but a con job. Find a support group (looks like you've got the beginnings of one right here) or a good counselor. You will get through this. The pain doesn't go away really, but it fades enough that you can get on with your life.

A clean break and a new start is what you need. Don't let the religionists convince you there's anything there but lies and fairy tales.

[MorningGlow]

41. Short answer: no

I'm sorry you're going through this, FLYD. :hug:

I think the answer to your question is that religion is just one of many things people can draw strength from--faith, sure, but also friends and family, inner strength, therapy, etc. etc. etc. Whatever works for each person. And someone can't turn to religion after the fact--s/he has to truly believe in it first, BEFORE something bad happens. If a person goes running to the Church (or whatever solace they choose) without truly believing in it, s/he won't find comfort there.

I realize that a lot of traditionally religious people say that their faith got them through a rough patch in their lives, and good for them. But just as often, they could find that their faith didn't have the answers they needed (a nasty shock). You never know till you're in the thick of things, I guess. And then what happens ends up surprising you.

I'm a pagan, and yet I no longer run to rituals when I find myself in a bad place. However, my beliefs has helped me try to see the big picture--as others have said on this thread, today does not define the rest of your life. Seeing the "big picture" also means investigating whether something that seems bad today was actually done for the higher good in some way (of course, this is only for people who think that the universe is not completely random). For instance, did your situation come about in order to make you examine your own life? Is it a plot to push you out of the nest to prepare you for something bigger and better to come? Or is it asking you to scrutinize your marriage to see whether it can be healed at all? Only you can determine the big picture in your situation.

In my tradition, I would send you energy/light for comfort and support, healing and strength. If you don't mind, I would be happy to send some your way. Be well. :hug:

[JerseygirlCT]

42. I'm so sorry

You sound very sad, indeed. It must be just... well, very sad, to find yourself in this position.

Though I'm a Christian, I don't have an easy answer for you here. For many, yes, their faith is something that buttresses them in good times and in bad. Others will find themselves in a situation much like yours. It varies as much as people do, and I don't think either or any reaction indicates the depth of a person's faith.

All I can say, is that if you ask for help, you may find it. And sometimes just feeling open to the possibility that comfort will be found (how may be different from expectations as well) makes it more possible. For me, I think of prayer as a conversation - sometimes I talk; sometimes I just listen. I guess I think there's not likely a downside for you there - should you find that your atheist convictions remain strong, the worst you've done is some quiet meditation, you know?

I hope you find the solace you need!

[onager]

43. Advice from a buncha grumpy atheists...

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well, hang on.
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well, hang on.

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone.

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life, hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on...
Everybody hurts. You are not alone.

[Deep13]

44. I'm so sorry. No one deserves that.

Kind of a dick thing to do IMO. Unless there is some serious personal problem between you, he could have simply decided to keep loving you.

I'm sorry for being direct, but it really is the only way I can put it. The condition of your marriage has nothing to do with whether or not there is a god. "Believing" means you think that god is real and, in this case, he has some comfort to offer. If you think he isn't, then that is really the end of the inquiry.

I've been a nonbeliever for a long time. I had a period of "backsliding" in 1999 and 2000 after my father died and when Bush "won." Still, I don't know if it made me feel better or if it just added to the anxiety. Understanding there is no god means not feeling betrayed or abandoned because there is nothing mysterious about bad things happening to good people. I don't know the answer there.

I can only wish you well and hope that you have a happy life from now on.

[ralph m]

45. Not likely!

I'm an atheist married to a liberal Catholic. We've been together for 25 years, and I tried several times over the course of our marriage to try to take the "leap of faith," and came away with nothing to hold on to. I don't agree that there is such a thing as a god gene, but there definitely is a difference in the way natural skeptics and purpose-driven thinkers make sense of the big, wide world around us. I am in agreement with most of the opinions so far that we can't believe in things just because we want to, so they are not likely to offer any real comfort. People who say that prayer and belief in God comfort them, actually believe in God! If you don't believe, you won't be able to force yourself to, any more than you would be able to believe in Santa Claus again next December.

But, since someone here already mentioned the Unitarian/Universalist Church, I'd like to add that it is an ideal place for a skeptic to experience the social bonding of religion, and work on social causes we consider important and share with others who may believe a whole host of crazy things about a supernatural world. Our local U/U Church likely has about 20% who would describe themselves as atheists.....but not militant, fundamentalist atheists of the Dawkins or Hitchens variety, that just want to attack other people's religious beliefs. Since I'm not interested in traditional religion, and my wife has no interest in being part of some atheist or secular humanist groups, it is one place where we both can get something out of it.

I don't know what the deal is with your husband; but, a better solution than religion or trying to find God, is to find someone else to start a new relationship with. Even if you think you're too old, or have been married too long to start a new relationship, it would be better to move on with someone new, even if it never really gets much beyond the friendship stage, it would still be better than spending too much time looking back at what is behind you..... hope this was at least a little bit helpful.