The importance of forgiveness

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

In the Bible, Jesus is asked how many times to forgive--seven times? No, seventy times seven. In the Islamic tradition, five of the 99 Names of God deal directly with different aspects of forgiveness. Forgiveness is obviously viewed as important by these two faiths.

I recently had the opportunity to put this practice into action, and I can say that, for me, the act of forgiveness has been truly liberating, both emotionally and spiritually. So I'd like to share my story, in hopes that it will help those of you, whether believers or not, who have problems with those who have done things to you for which you have been deeply hurt.

My mother died a few days ago. Before she did, I gave her a rose. I told her I loved her, and thanked her for all she had done. All. She had emotionally abused her children, and yes, it left scars on us. I used recall events that happened decades ago, and all the pain and hurt was still there. But I recently decided to look at life a different way. Those sad times help create the person I am today, loved, respected, a person trusted and valued by the community. Those times also gave me a long and close spiritual relationship with That which is all things. And so I could see how I could be thankful. And I could tell her I loved her. And, later, as I watched vigil over her dying body, I could say "I forgive you." I thus made the forgiveness complete, I feel: it was more than just words, it was a release and also an appreciation for the difficult role she played in my life.

Since that time, I have felt a peace and lightness within that I hadn't felt before. I hadn't realized how the resentments and hurts and fear I had stored within had poisoned myself until I let them all go. And the love that I had always truly felt for the woman who had brought me my life was fully expressed. For those of a spiritual bent, I feel that by doing this I released my mother in some way, so that she could journey on and not be held back by regrets of actions done in this life.

I was there when she breathed her last, and I officiated at her memorial, which people came up and told me was filled with joy. I am still processing the event--but when I think back on those difficult times, ones that used to elicit anger, fear, and sorrow, they are but interesting dreams with no emotional hold on me.

It is because of this incredible change that I write. For those who would disparage, I can only say try it for yourself. Forgiveness does not have to have a spiritual context. And if it doesn't work, nothing has been lost. But if it does--ah, the difference!

Thank you mom, for everything you did. I love you, and I forgive you.

Please remember to forgive yourself.

[mysticalchick]

1. Lovely words and thoughts ...

... thank you for sharing. What a loving gift you gave your mom and most importantly, yourself.

Blessings to you,
MC

[hlthe2b]

2. very nice... very very nice...

I hope to follow in your example. The peace you derived from forgiveness is a wonderful gift.

[LuvNewcastle]

3. Sorry for your loss.

Glad you were able to be there with your mother as she passed. It's good for the living and the dying.

[MorningGlow]

4. Oh Ayesha

What a moving story. Thank you for sharing it. You truly are an inspiration.

Sending you light for your continued peace; also sending light to your mother for safe passage and joy in the Otherworld.

[elocs]

5. Forgiveness is a gift to the forgiver. Withholding forgivenss only hurts the one who withholds it.

Forgiveness is a word that is not always honored here at DU. In fact, I have often read it posted "I can never forgive..." Sad.

[darkstar3]

7. And what of those who abuse forgiveness?

Ayesha's post is a wonderful story, and showcases how forgiveness CAN be a healthy thing for the forgiver.

So there is some truth to your statement.

But there's a problem. Sometimes people can violate your trust so frequently, so egregiously, that you can never trust them again. I don't want to get into details here, because they are many and sordid, but the bottom line is that there is a member of my family that I can never trust again. Over the course of many years, she proved herself not only to be a compulsive liar, but an abuser of my frequent forgiveness. After all of that, I have stated, to her and to other family members, that I can never trust her again.

I have let go of the anger I harbored toward her for the damage that she caused in my life, and the lives of my family members, but I can never allow myself to trust a single word that comes out of her mouth. This means that, by most people's standards, I have not forgiven her. It is very likely that, unless she seeks therapy, I never will.

Does this somehow damage me? I doubt it. But even if my lack of forgiveness in this case somehow did cause emotional damage, I know that damage is nothing compared to the damage this liar could do. She very nearly tore my family apart last time. I can't allow that possibility again.

And so I am one of those who would say "I can never forgive..." But as sad as that fact is, sometimes it is a damn site better than the alternative.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

8. I understand your point here

I think that in your case, forgiveness must also be accompanied with a break of all ties with this individual,because she does not have the right to violate you again. In no way should this person be allowed the continued abuse. As the Prophet said, "Trust in God, but tie your camel"--in other words, forgive, but keep barriers around yourself so that this person will not be allowed to intrude again.

The forgiveness for a person like this can be given at the hour of their death, when they can't hurt you any more. That way, you can acquire the benefits of forgiveness without the fear of being hurt again.

From what I have read of your situation, I do sincerely hope you stand firm. Do not allow this person to manipulate your family, and don't be manipulated by other family members into having anything to do with her. This is the only way to stop a person like this. My sincere best wishes to you. May you have the strength to stand firm.

[darkstar3]

9. Lucky for me, she just moved out of state

So now I don't have to have anything to do with her anymore. We'll exchange pleasantries at family gatherings, since I won't allow a lack of civility to ruin family time, but that'll be the extent of our interaction.

Thank you for your kind words.

[northernlights]

10. forgiveness does not mean trusting those who cannot be trusted

It means letting go of resentment and anger you hold inside yourself for what they have done to you in the past. It does not mean allowing them to hurt you again. In fact, once you forgive, you can protect yourself far better from those who would abuse you. Sometimes it does come along with cutting them out of your life.

[JerseygirlCT]

32. And in a way, letting go of that resentment and anger

frees you from them, too. Those feelings, strong as they are, keep you tied to the person who hurt you.

[northernlights]

36. exactly nt

[TCJ70]

12. Forgiveness isn't a two way street...

...there are people, like the kind you describe, who are simply toxic. Forgiveness is a choice we make individually, but just because someone has been forgiven doesn't mean we have to surround ourselves with those people.

[Proud_Lefty]

14. I have so many similar problems

I have a sister who was always extremely jealous of my relationship with our mother and she continually attacked me whenever I allowed her near. She verbally attacked me within one day of my mother's death and I finally told her to get the fuck out of my life! I was done with her and all the lies and all the attacks. I haven't spoken to her since. I have been told that I need to forgive her, but I can't imagine myself ever allowing her near me or my family again unless of course, she completely changes. Of course, I'm not counting on that to happen. I've always turned the other cheek in my life, not because I'm trying to be a saint or anything, but because I hate confrontation. See, I'm just a real weanie when it comes to nasty people. I just take the crap until I can't stand it anymore and then I run away from it, something I've never been proud of and I never felt it was right.

Anyway, I'm now trying to understand what real forgiveness is. I look at this sad person and hope and pray she finds happiness somewhere (that somewhere being far, far away from me). I won't give her any power over who I am anymore. I'm not an unhappy, angry person anymore. I've got a great, fun life with great people around me and that's where I stay focused. Once in a while, that anger creeps back in, like it did while writing this, but I just keep trying to rid myself of it. And that's what forgiveness is all about.

Hope that makes sense.

Ayesha. I'm so happy for you. Dropping off the negative baggage is always liberating for the soul. I'm so happy you feel peace now.

[elocs]

15. How does unforgiveness help you? Does it enrich your life, make it better?

What are the positive things of being unforgiving? What does forgiving have to do with trust? Just because one forgives does not make them stupid.

[darkstar3]

18. Way to miss the point

'What does forgiving have to do with trust?'
I was always taught that forgiveness required the absolution of the past, the expunging of the record, a clean slate. Some people disagree, but I think that in order to truly forgive my family member, using the definition I was raised with, I must be willing to trust her again.

'Just because one forgives does not make them stupid.'
How did I even imply this?

At any rate, the point I was trying to make is that sometimes forgiveness leads to more damage than 'unforgiveness', and I think you need to understand that, for some people, forgiveness comes with too high a price. Calling the rest of us 'sad' when we say we cannot forgive is overly simplistic...

[Igel]

19. I agree.

But willingness to trust somebody does not mean obligation to trust somebody.

I'm willing to trust just about anybody--for appropriate things, in the right context--but I tend to want at least a bit of evidence that they're trustworthy before I entrust them with important things. Trivial things, no problem. I don't take changes with big things with just everybody; usually there's a reason for it, either I think they're trustworthy or I really don't have much of a choice.

Otherwise it's simple pragmatics: If they do well with small items of trust, I trust them with bigger things. If they don't, I don't hold it against them--I just don't trust them with big things.

[elocs]

22. Well, good luck with whatever you are trying to say or explain.

I won't waste anymore of your time and you won't waste anymore of mine.

[Leontius]

29. There's nothing wrong with withholding trust from someone

who has proven unworthy of it. I don't think that negates forgiveness, to me forgiveness is letting go of the hate we may hold for those who have caused us pain. If you have done that then I believe you have forgiven.

[I Have A Dream]

34. darkstar3, I think that you are correct in that your definition of...

forgiveness is different than Ayesha's. Your definition requires that you not only forgive but also forget and allow that person back into your life as they were before. Ayesha's, I'm guessing, doesn't require her to ever again interact with a person that she's forgiven if she chooses not to. Her forgiving someone involves letting go of the anger, etc. so that you are no longer connected via those emotions. Every time one feels those emotions, that person has power over you again.

Additionally, forgiving is often more than a single act. It is the initial decision to let go of everything that we're holding inside associated with the painful experience(s), and ongoing decisions to release as we experience emotions over time associated with the/these uppleasant experience(s). In the end, forgiveness occurs so that you are free of your connections with this person. It doesn't mean that you're going to end up necessarily liking the person or choosing to continue to have the person in your life.

I hope that you are able to someday find your way to complete freedom from the experiences that you've had with the person who has harmed you. That's what true forgiveness is, in my opinion.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

37. Yes, you have it right

In the Lord's prayer, it says, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Neil Douglas-Klotz, in his book "Prayers of the Cosmos," looks at these lines in the original Aramaic and does a direct translation that goes something like this: Loosen the cords of anger, guilt, and resentment that bind me to you, so that you can do the same." As a practice, this does, indeed, mean disconnecting from the emotions that go with the event(s) that caused the problem in the first place.

[raccoon]

46. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to let somebody back in your life.

I read that somewhere, and it meant a lot to me. I'd always thought it did mean that.

Some other posters have said as much, but I think it's worth repeating.

[skepticscott]

27. Imagine you're a woman

whose husband beats the crap out of her on a regular basis, and every time he says he's sorry and asks her to forgive him and come back to him. Now answer your own questions.

[elocs]

28. Forgiveness has nothing to do with being stupid or continuing to be a victim,

.so why not reformulate that phony argument?

[skepticscott]

43. You asked how not forgiving people

could ever be a positive thing in your life. I gave you an example. I guess for you, that constitutes a phony argument.

[JerseygirlCT]

31. I think sometimes forgiveness and trust

are different things.

As others have pointed out, to some real extent, forgiveness is as much for you as for the person who hurt you. That doesn't have to mean, however, that you are forever willing to place trust in that person. I don't think anyone's really expecting you to place yourself in a position to be hurt again.

It's awfully, complicated, isn't it?

[get the red out]

6. Best wishes for you

You are correct, "forgiveness" or letting go of the underlying, simmering anger that is a festering resentment, is very useful psychologically and physiologically for me (spiritually as well, but that is just for me).

I hope things get back to normal for you after having to go through this loss.

[northernlights]

11. I'm sorry for your loss

but happy for all you have gained.

[Chemisse]

13. Forgiveness is grossly under valued in our society nt

[roguevalley]

16. I hug you in my heart, ayeshahaqqiqa. I am sorry for your loss.

I think the hardest, most powerful and wonderful thing you can do is forgive. It takes the awfulness out of you. If you can shed that skin, you can see the light. I wish sunshine and happiness. You have my goodwill and prayers.

RV, who lost her mom and dad ten months apart

[DeSwiss]

17. I'm sorry for your loss. n/t

[Behind the Aegis]

20. I feel for your loss.

As always, even through pain, you manage to inspire.

[Odin2005]

21. Great post!. Forgiveness is my Achilles heel.

I have great trouble letting go of my anger. Against the bullies that tortured me. Against the teachers that emotionally abused me. Against the co-worker that betrayed me. Against the monster that hurt my disabled friend.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

38. If I may, a suggestion

I was bullied and teased unmercifully as a child, and I carried that pain for over 20 years. Until one day. That was the day I found out that students in the class I taught were bullying and teasing some of the special needs children during recess. I called my class in, and I told them my story. How the pain from teasing lingers over years, even decades. I asked them to consider the fact that those special needs kids had not chosen to be born the way they were--and that they would do anything to be normal--and to have friends was the closest way they could feel like everyone else. I had the class in tears. I made them realize, through my pain, how their actions had hurt others. They went out the next recess and befriended the special needs kids. The astonishment at finding how happy they made another brought joy to my heart.

Perhaps there is a way you can use your anger for good, as I did.

[Odin2005]

49. Thank you!

[omega minimo]

23. beautiful. perfect. true.

[ironbark]

24. Some problems with forgiveness-

First up, loved your post, do not wish to challenge anything within it or detract from it…just wish to add….

Forgiveness is the province of the individual…an individuals choice, when ready, in their own time.
Problems arise with ‘forgiveness’ when it is advocated by others (Ministers, Counsellors, Therapists, friends) as something that an individual >should do< to heal/move on.

In the case of victims of abuse the encouragement to forgive is often made when the abuse is first revealed or being treated……I’m going to put the next bit in capitals for emphasis-

THE PREMATURE ADVOCASY OF FORGIVENESS OFTEN COMPOUNDS THE ABUSE!

For someone who has just been abused, is just coming to terms with or being treated for abuse the advocacy of forgiveness is totally inappropriate.

Many victims of abuse (especially children who have been sexually abused) already feel inappropriately guilty for a number of reasons…They blame themselves, they feel they encouraged the abuse, they feel they have betrayed a trust…………………..now they are being asked/encouraged to forgive the abuser and they simply can’t……now they feel guilty because they cannot forgive.
All too often victims of abuse express- “I did something to encourage/facilitate the abuse- what’s wrong with me”? and then “I cannot forgive my abuser- what’s wrong with me”?

In any form of counselling for abuse (professional or family/friend) the priority concerns ought be protection/safety/justice…..and forgiveness raised as a question/potential/option well down the track, after the passage of time, when the victim shows signs that they might be ready for it.

Groups- (Countries, Courts, Churches, families) ought not/must not offer forgiveness to an abuser or advocate the victim do so.

Thanks for your time.

[iris27]

26. Yes, I remember my grandfather telling my that I was risking going to hell

by not forgiving my father. I was 16 and hadn't spoken to my father since he had walked out 2 years before, for many reasons but mostly due to his abuse while he'd lived with us. My grandfather (mom's dad) told me that "the Lord's Prayer asks God to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...that means that until you forgive your dad, God cannot forgive you for any of your sins." That's some traumatic shit to say to a wounded and very devout teenage girl!

[iris27]

25. I'm sorry for your loss, and glad that you were able to lift that spiritual weight.

I am still working on learning how to forgive without setting myself up to be harmed again.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

39. That can be very hard

I am a survivor of abuse from both my parents. I never saw my father after I was 8 years old. He died when I was 33. But I felt I still could forgive him, simply because this meant a release of the ties of anger, resentment, and fear that I held. Again, as I've stated elsewhere, it could well be that those who have been severely traumatized by someone need to wait until they are passing or have passed to make peace--because the peace you make through forgiveness is really with yourself.

And deciding to forgive takes time. Allow yourself that time--and remember to also forgive yourself.

[bigmonkey]

42. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.

That's the realization I came to in my 20's, and it helped me a lot. That someone has betrayed your trust means that they will have to earn it to get it again, but you can forgive them for what they've already done, without blindly trusting them again. It lifts the burden for you.

The scenario mentioned above, with the woman who is repeatedly beaten, and asked to forgive and take the abusive husband back, breaks my heart. It can take a long time, and a safe perspective, to separate out forgiveness and memory. I wish we taught kids that the two are separate.

[JerseygirlCT]

30. I'm so sorry for your loss

but so thankful that you shared this story with us.

I'm very glad thatyou were able to do this, adn then allow us to share it.

And I wish I had better words to express it all!

[Desertrose]

33. Losing our mothers is always a big thing, regardless....

I am so glad you were able to release and forgive your Mom and got to be with her at the end. The release of death can be a beautiful thing. I have a feeling your forgiveness and love released and transmuted some major karma for you both.

Many blessings on your continued growth...much love to you & your Mom.
DR

[I Have A Dream]

35. Absolutely beautiful, ayesha.

Blessings to both you and your mother. May she rest in peace.

I'm so glad that you've given yourself the gift of forgiveness. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

[Meshuga]

40. Beautifully written

And I am sorry for your recent loss.

[ZombieHorde]

41. K&R Thanks for posting. nt

[shadowknows69]

44. I know we "spoke" on facebook, but I wanted to add my energy to this thread too

In perfect love and perfect trust I pray any pain you have soon gives way to peace. As above so below.
Your friend always
-S

[raccoon]

45. Great post, ayesha. Glad you were able to forgive your mother.

I have been able to forgive my mother many things and understand better the obstacles and lack of support she faced.

My father, I'm not there yet, maybe one of these days I will be able to forgive him.


Forgiveness is a biggie for me. Especially when it comes to forgiving myself.

[truedelphi]

47. Thank you for sharing your grief. Condolences to you for your loss. And thank you

For your essay on forgiveness. I am glad you found the way and the path of light to bring you to forgiveness. I still have not been able to forgive my abusive mother. I do hope for that ability.

[GliderGuider]

48. Unconditional vs. conditional forgiveness

I've been thinking about what I see as a disconnect between those who feel that absolute, unconditional forgiveness is a key instrument of personal growth and those who see forgiveness in somewhat more relative terms: "I believe forgiveness should be reserved for those who actually apologize and feel remorse."

When I first read about The Forgiveness Project I had an immediate recognition of the deep truth such unconditional forgiveness contains. Still, when I think about people who have committed heinous acts, the idea that my forgiveness should absolve them of responsibility seems counter-intuitive, or even repugnant. So I agree with both sides of the debate. How is that possible?

It occurred to me that the type of unconditional forgiveness that Jesus and ayeshahaqqiqa talk about is an act essentially aimed at the Self. It's a process by which the forgiver comes to terms with reality as it is, with the perfect suchness of the one being forgiven, and with the core truth that the acts being forgiven must be fully accepted into the reality of the forgiver's personal universe. It seems to have much less to do with the one ostensibly being forgiven, and more to do with the forgiver's surrender to the truth of the reality in which they live.

The second kind of forgiveness, the one that demands change or reparation from the perpetrator, is not about the Self, but about the Other. Where the first interpretation of forgiveness makes no demands on the forgiven,this interpretation definitely does. There is a price tag attached to this kind of forgiveness, either implicitly or explicitly. While it is intrinsically impossible to violate the terms of the first kind of forgiveness (since there aren't any), violating the terms of this kind cause a breach of trust.

The two forms of forgiveness aren't mutually exclusive, as they are directed at different objects. Absolute forgiveness is a powerful manifestation of our Absolute nature, an action that can being us into closer alignment with our true self as well as with the true nature of the world we live in. In that sense forgiveness is an act of enlightenment in the most profound spiritual sense of the word.

My heart goes out to you, ayeshahaqqiqa.