Religious humor thread!

[UrbScotty]

Post your favorite non-offensive religious jokes in this thread!

Here are some I got from Catholic-Pages.com:

Morning prayer

So far today Lord, I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, nor over-indulgent. And I'm very thankful to you for that.

But...In a few minutes, Lord, I'm probably going to need a lot more help because I'm going to get out of bed!!

Biblical ways to find a wife

...

Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

...

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Church bulletin bloopers

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

...

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

...

Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

...

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

...

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

...

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

...

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

...

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours.”

[7th_Sephiroth]

1. an electrical storm dropped this paper from 2010 on my lawn

the headline says, Jesus returns, arrested for child molestation

[stellanoir]

2. thisone is more in the genre of unbelievably bad taste. . .

A marquee in front of a local fundie church said. . .

"Christ: he hung in there for you."

An even dumber one on the same marquee

"Our Sundays are better than Dairy Queen's"

Ughhhhhh.

[UrbScotty]

4. The second one is bad, but the first is...

TERRIBLE!!!!!

[meow2u3]

3. Bible According to Kids

The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are genuine, authentic, and unretouched... Compiled by Richard Lederer. They appear in the 12/31/95 issue of National Review.)


"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating theworld, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles."

(more)

http://www.catholic-pages.com/grabbag/kids.asp

[DemBones DemBones]

8. LOL, I just actually read through those & realized they

were not all ones I'd read before. "Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles" is my fave of the new, though the one about Lot's wife always makes me smile!

[DemBones DemBones]

5. This is one our priest tells:

A priest realized during the first readings that the microphone on the pulpit wasn't working.

So, when he went to the pulpit to read the Gospel, he tapped on the microphone, and said "There's something wrong with this mic."

And the people responded, "And also with you."

[meow2u3]

6. LOL

[Darranar]

7. ROFL!

Those are hilarious.... thanks.

[DemBones DemBones]

9. I've always liked this one, also from the site you cite:

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

{Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.}

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".

{I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.}

[seaj11]

10. another bulletin error

Meet Thursday at 7:00 in Parish Hall for bible study. Choir practice will follow the b.s.

[CO Liberal]

11. More Church Bulletin Blunders

The first one is my favorite. - Wayne

* * * * *

CHURCH BULLETIN BLUNDERS

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Over 60’s Choir will be disbanded for the summer with thanks.

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off--let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.

Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience”.

[htuttle]

12. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian?

Somebody who comes and knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever.

I was told this by a Unitarian seminary student, so I consider it inoffensive. Unitarians generally have a great sense of humor.

[vajraroshana]

13. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor....

Make me one with everything.




Ba-dump-bump... I know, I know, it's bad and buddhistically incorrect as well, but I had to say it.

[eridani]

31. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb, and the other to not change the light bulb.

[CO Liberal]

14. How Many Christian Scientists Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb?

None. But you need one Christian Scientist to pray for the old light bulb to come back on...

[CO Liberal]

15. There Were Fires In Several Houses of Worship

The Catholic priest rushed in to save the Holy Eucharist.

The Jewish rabbi rushed in to save the Torah.

The Presbyterian minister rushed in to save the Bible.

The Unitarian minister rushed in to save the coffee pot.

[htuttle]

16. LOL!

I'm going to send that one to my friend in the Unitarian Seminary school. He'll get a kick out of it if he hasn't heard that one yet.

[pelagius]

17. Is this the evangelical "Onion"?

Check this out:

www.larknews.com

It may go completely past you if you're not familiar with life in evangelical churches, but I found it spot-on and quite funny.

[Chovexani]

18. Too funny!

I'm a former evangelical and that site hits the nail on the head, LOL!

[indigobusiness]

21. Hellbound man enjoys free church offers

GREELEY, Colo. — Glenn Birde, 36, a self-described agnostic, has attended more church events in the past year than most longtime believers. His reason: He loves the freebies churches dole out to unsaved people.
"He's gone to ballgames, boat shows, Go-Karting," says his wife, ticking them off on her fingers. "We hardly ever see him anymore. He's always running out to some church thing."

http://www.larknews.com/november_2004/secondary.php?pag...

Bible Answer Man stumped by belly button question
http://www.larknews.com/october_2004

---

hehe

[seaj11]

30. I love it!

I bookmarked this one. Thanks.

[indigobusiness]

19. I don't care if the whole world freezes,

long as I've got my
Cheddar Cheesus



http://www.poizenideas.com/cheesus/links.html

[indigobusiness]

20. "They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Jesus Anymore"

Kinky Friedman's classic about the ridiculousness of bigotry, in every form.

http://www.npr.org/dmg/dmg.php?mediaURL=/me/20040609_me...



info

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

[pelagius]

22. St Peter has a day off from the Pearly Gates and...

...Christ himself takes over his duties.

In the first load that comes through there is a Catholic, a Baptist, and an Episcopalian.

"Who do you say I am," Jesus asks the Catholic.

"Well, the Church says..."

Jesus interrupts the Catholic and says, "I didn't ask what the Church says, I asked what you say," and the Catholic disappears.

Jesus turns to the Baptist and asks, "Who do you say I am?"

"The Bible says..." starts in the Baptist.

"No, I didn't ask about the Bible, I asked who you say I am," and the Baptist disappears in a flash.

Turning to the Episcopalian, Christ asks a third time, "Who do you say I am?"

The Episcopalian replies, "You are the Christ, the Living Son of God."

Jesus beams and says, "Well, done thou good and fai..."

But the Episcopalian continues, "On the other hand..."

[pelagius]

23. A bishop visits an Anglican parish...

...and the priest, knowing the bishop to be a convivial sort, invites him to the rectory for spot of Scotch and some conversation. Also present is the young curate.

The priest pours the bishop about two fingers worth and turns to do the same for curate.

But the young man, of an evangelical bent, puts his hand over the glass and pronounces, "I'd sooner commit adultery."

Raising the glass to his lips, the bishop takes a sip, and sighs, "Wouldn't we all, son, wouldn't we all?"

[pelagius]

24. Third and final Anglican joke...

Where four Episcopalians are gathered, there's soon a fifth.

[pelagius]

25. Wait, I just remembered two more!

When the American West was first being settled, the Baptist minister walked out with his people. The Methodist circuit rider soon followed on his horse. And the Episcopalian priest caught the first train out.

[pelagius]

26. Three women find themselves in Hades...

...and discuss why, despite their otherwise devout lives, they had gone the wrong way at the last minute.

The Jewish woman remarked, "I was at a buffet and I couldn't resist trying a little bit of ham."

"Oh, my stories much the same," commiserated the Catholic, "I ate meat on Friday long before His Holiness said it was OK."

The Episcopalian said, "I was at a ECW* luncheon and used the wrong fork for my salad."


*Episcopal Church Women

[pelagius]

27. Eulogies

A Presbyterian minister, a Catholic priest, and a rabbi are discussing funerals and the question came up, "When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"

The Presbyterian minister says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

The Catholic priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a loyal servant of God who brought forgiveness and love to people's lives."

The rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!"

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

28. Nasradin Story

Nasradin is a character figuring in many Sufi stories. Here's one:

Nasradin's built his tomb with a stout wooden door. Several heavy locks were there as well. It looked very impressive-until one looked and realized there were no walls.

[struggle4progress]

29. Republican -- a sinner mentioned in the Bible. eom

[eridani]

32. GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet(s) if necessary.)

[juslikagrzly]

33. Do you mind if I steal this?

Did you write this or get it from somewhere else? It's ROFLMAO funny!