How to Be an Iowan for a Day
SEATTLE--It is a grand and glorious thing to be a footnote to a presidential election.
I was in Iowa in January 2000 to write about the Republican caucuses when I came down with the flu. Gary Bauer, a Republican candidate, had been running around the state comparing gay marriage to terrorism. Annoyed, I decided that if Mr. Bauer was going to call me a terrorist, well, I would act like one — a biological terrorist. (I know, I know, but this was pre-9/11, when terrorism was still a cheap bit of hyperbole for the likes of Mr. Bauer and me.) So I hung out at Bauer headquarters in Des Moines, where I worked the phones, masqueraded as a volunteer, and tried to give Gary Bauer the flu. To that end, I may or may not have licked a few doorknobs at Bauer HQ.
I wrote up all of this up for Salon, and for my trouble — what can I say? I was young and foolish — I was slapped around in the national press, slammed on the Sunday political chat shows and charged with a felony. When people heard that the gay guy who licked the doorknobs in Gary Bauer's office had been charged with a crime, most assumed it was for licking those doorknobs. This was not the case. Licking doorknobs is not a crime in Iowa. No, Iowa tried to send me to prison for six years because I registered to vote while I was in Iowa. I did this even though — I mean, come on — I had no intention of ever living there.
As a citizen and, um, a respectable journalist, I was appalled when I learned that you didn't need a valid voter registration card or proof of residency — any identification at all — to take part in Iowa's caucuses. All you had to do was show up at a caucus site and fill out a voter registration card. While Iowa's caucuses don't determine the Democratic or Republican nominee, they play a big role in shaping the presidential race. With huge numbers of volunteers and true believers flooding into the state, the potential for mischief seemed huge.
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How to Be an Iowan for a DayFree Registration Required