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What Barack Obama MUST, SO TOTALLY, ABSOLUTELY DO... by JeffLieber
Mon Aug 25, 2008 at 12:03:22 PM PDT
...in order to make the Democratic convention a "success".
Barack Obama must get a six-hundred and thirty-eight point bounce.
Barack Obama must be inspiring, but not TOO INSPIRING SO AS TO SEEM A PROPHET, and present his ideas clearly, but not TOO CLEARLY SO AS TO SEEM SIMPLISTIC, and with specifics, but not TOO MANY SPECIFICS SO AS TO SEEM WONKY, and be tough, but not TOO TOUGH SO AS TO SEEM TO HAVE GONE NEGATIVE.
Barack Obama must walk on water (but not in such a way that suggests that either he or his supporters see him as a deity) and give a speech in front of 70,000 people (but not in a way that suggests that he's a celebrity) and completely unify the party (but not in such a way that suggests that said party is "liberal") and speak to the base (but not so much that suggests he's "out of the mainstream of America" ) and embrace Democratic ideals (but not so much as to suggest he's "going back to the days of Jimmy Carter") and remind America about all the good that happened under the last Democratic administration (without using the words "Bill" or "Clinton" or "Hope" or "Cigar" or "Blue Dress").
Barack Obama must be able to quote all the lyrics from American Pie and solve the New York Times Sunday Crossword Puzzle in less that seven minutes and win American Idol and juggle a half dozen flaming chain-saws and name the capitols of all forty-nine states (Hawaii being recently deemed Unamerican and sold to the Chinese for a bag of gumballs) and eat poorly prepared Fugu without dying.
Barack Obama must be black, but not too black, and not black while trying to seem white, and certainly not black while trying to be white without trying to LOOK LIKE he's greyish-blue.*
(*Ronald Reagan, with a deep, rich, Coppertone tan is the preferred outcome.)
Barack Obama must convince Joe Biden to wear a blonde wig and a pants suit.
Barack Obama must council his wife to appear strong, but not uppity, smart, but not elitist, sure of herself, yet still subservient and willing to bake a pie and stitch the hem of a skirt. Barack Obama must also convince Michelle to leave her machine-gun, eye-patch and twelve-inch afro back at the hotel.
Barack Obama must survive SIX years as a POW at the hands of the Marine from The Village People.
Barack Obama must inspire Tinky Winky to have a heterosexual threesome with La-La and Dipsy. Same with Dumbledore. Same also with Senator Larry Craig.
Barack Obama must make Family Circus funny.
Barack Obama must wrestle a live Puma and win over the "sheet-wearing, still-naming-their-sons Adolph" demographic and bowl a three hundred game and prove without a shadow of a doubt that he doesn't want to have sex with someone's white sister and create a car that can drive a hundred miles using only the flesh of a single terrorist and bleed red, white and blue when stuck in the eye with a flag pin.
Barack Obama must ride a camel through the eye of a needle.
John McCain... needs to live through his speech.
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/8/25/143434/454/826/574806
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