Latest numbers "very encouraging" for Hillary

[jgraz]

Apr 1st, 2008

Clinton campaign buoyed by new numbers

RALEIGH, SC -- The Clinton campaign today cited new numbers for pledged delegate and popular vote counts that they believe will have a significant impact on the race for the Democratic nomination.

"We're very encouraged by the new numbers we're seeing," said Clinton chief strategist and pollster Mark Penn. "Especially promising are threeve and sixen, but elevion, hundrety and twillion have some real potential for helping us win the popular vote."

"The finance committee has been using numbers like this for months and they're very happy with the results," said Penn. Penn, whose salary is reported to be florpteen kajillion dollars a month, dismissed more "traditional" numbers as having a strong anti-Clinton bias.

Penn said that many of the new numbers will only function in large primary states (excluding Illinois, Virginia or Texas) while others are specifically tailored for counting angry white women over 60.


Clinton campaign strategist Mark Penn,
shown here cleaning his fingers after
pulling out the latest polling numbers.

Experts agree that this is a natural extension for the Clintons, who are already considered pioneers in the area of political parsing and word redefinition.

"What Bill did for the word 'is', Hillary is doing for 'more' and 'less' and 'zero chance whatsoever'," said Penn, pointing to a new tracking poll in which Senator Clinton was leading boogeda-boogeda-boogeda to SCREEEEEE.

[GarbagemanLB]

1. lol. K&R

[Rosa Luxemburg]

101. Yes the war is going great Hillary

[cali]

2. how typical of the Clinton campaign

to spin her numbers as good. Penn is sickening. What an idiot!















(hey, who says you can't respond to a 4/1 post as if it's real)

[jgraz]

49. I tried that on the "flying penguins" post and nobody bit either.

DUer's are just too sophisticated for our juvenile humor.

[EnviroBat]

3. Snot just flew out of my nose...

I can't take it...

[jgraz]

9. Ew...thanks for sharing

[DemVet]

33. They have medication for that......

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

4. Unfortunately, for Hillary, all those numbers still add up to LOSER.

[snooper2]

5. thanks!

[azmouse]

6. Thanks for the laugh!

I needed that today.

[TheDoorbellRang]

7. Is this a sexist thread? You said "buoyed"

Oh,and...

[jgraz]

44. Since I don't support Hillary, all my threads are sexist by definition.

[Coexist]

8. "threeve and sixen"

that was really funny.

I can't wait until we are doing these about McCain.

[undeterred]

10. buoy oh buoy

[Erin Elizabeth]

11. I sense eleventy bias in this thread.

[mmonk]

12. Mark needs a Scott Moist Wipe.

[NYCGirl]

13. Bravo! And don't forget the Guiliani-generated number of nineleventh. NT

[Forkboy]

14. If I felt better I'd be laughing even harder than I already am.

[jgraz]

15. Not feeling well?

[Forkboy]

23. Been out of thyroid meds for a few days...starting to feel it.

I feel like a overcooked noodle.

[jgraz]

24. Bleah -- sorry

I hope your noodle gets umm... less cooked.

[Forkboy]

25. LOL...thanks.

[roguevalley]

54. samn. I hope you get your meds soon. I was out of my diabetes

meds overnight and feel like crap. thyroid always made my mom feel depressed and moody. Hugs, hon.

[Forkboy]

60. Thanks

A couple more days and I should be able to get them. I had my thyroid taken out last year and I'm still not used to feeling this way when I miss the meds for a couple days. Normally I'm really wound up, so this is odd for me.

[roguevalley]

107. the thyroid medicines now are pretty good. You should be back in

fine form shortly. take care.

rv, been there, done that.

[cbayer]

16. What's wrong sporkboy?

Are you ill?

[Life Long Dem]

17. Release your March funding raised

[walldude]

18. It's all good!!!!

Maybe Hillary's camp should read these actual numbers, instead of blowing smoke up her ass:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

On the other hand this is hauntingly familiar.. Big surge in donations. I guess the surge is working, unless you actually look around you. Am I just talking in circles here? Big surge, surge is working... Anyone? Bueller?

And people wonder why I'm for Obama. It's not that he's that much of a better candidate, but I'll be damned if he isn't running a well oiled machine while the wheels are falling off her campaign. Haven't we had enough of poor planning

[jgraz]

34. Thanks for the link. I love the "Huckabee index"

[LiberalAndProud]

19. Yes, but he hasn't answered the burning question

how many is a brazilian?

[Terran]

20. OMG that is hilarious

"florpteen kajillion dollars a month"

[TheWraith]

21. Other news: Titanic Officer Optimistic, Says Hold Flooding Well Under Control.

Pull the other one.

[DemGa]

22. Also in other news: snake oil salesman hoaxes many Democrats -- NT

[jgraz]

28. lol -- you're hilarious

April Fools

[DemGa]

29. This is tremendous insight

April fools!!

[ClassWarrior]

32. No, his wife is the one who's running, not him.

Just kidding... JUST KIDDING!! I loves me some Big Dog. Honest I do...

NGU.

[jgraz]

35. hoo boy -- I hope you're ready to dodge the sniper fire on that one

[ClassWarrior]

50. Ready on day one.

NGU.

[ClassWarrior]

26. ROFLMbootayO...

Is that original, jgraz?? If so, get yer resume to the Onion!!



NGU.

[jgraz]

27. Yep, original

I'm also cleaning my fingers off.

[Yael]

53. Completely agree!!

Make some cash on the side. This is comic genius!

[jgraz]

65. I'm guessing they'd probably want me to write more than one a week...

That's about all the funny I can manage.

[Yael]

76. They are always looking for fresh though

You really should submit this most hilarious piece. Maybe sign on for when the funny hits ya.

[jgraz]

100. Thanks -- I appreciate the compliment but I have more fun doing it for free

I'll just have to rely on your 's as my compensation.

[quantass]

30. lol

[GoneOffShore]

31. "Clinton was leading boogeda-boogeda-boogeda to SCREEEEEE"

You got me!

[kwenu]

36. This is so funny I'm in tears.

[jgraz]

41. Glad you liked it

Edit: whoops -- I welcomed you to DU then saw your profile. Sorry!

[grantcart]

37. Now I will respond to you in my own words

fghell listt owittn tniellt sieetlee eeitlelkens wlke w w wlittpnnwe sjelske

[jgraz]

40. Not to be picky, but you misspelled "wlittpnnwe"

[Mooney]

38. Please don't post photos of Mark Penn.

Otherwise, COMEDY GOLD.

[jgraz]

39. Sorry bout that

Too late to put a CAUTION DISTURBING tag on it.

[Mooney]

48. It's worse than Abu Ghraib photos. n/t

[TBF]

42. I guess they're talking about her bowling scores?

Because they sure aren't talking about delegates.

[jgraz]

45. Actually, Obama's the one who needs new numbers for his bowling

Perhaps "suckty" and "craptillion"

[thewiseguy]

43. Why is this guy still working for Hillary?

[jgraz]

46. IMHO, it's the biggest knock against her leadership right now

Penn is not Hillary's Rove, he's her Rumsfeld.

[writes3000]

47. I'm howling with laughter. That was freaking funny! Hilarious! n/t

[Voice for Peace]

51. thanks! verrrry funny. nt

[Yael]

52. "Senator Clinton was leading boogeda-boogeda-boogeda to SCREEEEEE."

[ihavenobias]

55. Hilarious, K & R

[CherylK]

56. K & R!

[TheDonkey]

57. LOL had to do a double take when I read hreeve sixen, elevion, hundrety and a twillion

[DuaneBidoux]

58. You mean she's leading everywhere 90% to 10%? That's what it'll take now.

[dana_b]

59. omg, thanks! too funny..

[Spiffarino]

61. I rarely LOL at DU threads

But for this one, I 'd

[stevenleser]

62. Real numbers are Sexist

didn't you know?

[hisownpetard]

63. K&R. Thanks for the laugh. Btw, this picture must have been taken last week-end because

Frank Luntz has custody of the wig on week-days.

[jgraz]

64. heh - "Frank Luntz has custody of the wig on week-days."

[phrigndumass]

66. Ha! Made it to the Greatest Threads

Front page, more or less! And you thought this thread had zero chance whatsoever ...

SCREEEEEE!

[kentj44]

67. this must be a joke

the latest poll out of PA. has her leading 47-42 her 20 point lead has dropped to just 5 points.

[jgraz]

91. No joke -- I'm completely serious

She's opened up a lead of at least snorkle, and he only has flirmp days to catch up.

[Hissyspit]

68. What a coinidence. SCREEEEEE is how many licks it takes to get to the center of a

Tootsie Pop.

[jgraz]

108. I meant to tell you how relieved I was to see "tootsie pop" in the text of your post

Wasn't quite sure where you were going to take that one.

[riskpeace]

69. Does your post have a point?

Since you support Senator Obama, maybe you can post about what makes him the best candidate for President, rather than smug put-downs of Senator Clinton.

[ClassWarrior]

73. Maybe you should change your handle to riskhumor.

Cuz if you don't get the point of this post, you won't get peace either.

NGU.

[jgraz]

88. No humor, no peace!!

[Arugula Latte]

90. What do we want? Satire! When do we want it? Now!

[mirrera]

70. LOL!

[shadowknows69]

71. You rock Jgraz!

[atal]

72. nice one

but I'm kinda worn out after April 1st

[New Earth]

74. lol too funny!

i was at work

[bonnieS]

75. Not even noticeable

Glad you all found this post so funny. I would have also, since I don't support either candidate particularly, except for one line containing an unnecesssary dig. Not at Clinton, but so subtly put in that its sexism goes without notice. Especially by you people, who think sexism is a laugh riot anyway.

Think of an analogous line for Obama's supprters--just switch the word women:"angry women over 60." Sexist AND ageist. Double laugh!


These superfluous attacks on actual voters move people to the other side. You've been told that, but you just can't help yourselves.

[That Guy 888]

80. Hmm... I've seen posts from female Obama supporters over 60.

I think it was more of a joke about "demographic politics" then a deliberate sexist, ageist dig.

My apologize if I misinterpreted your April Fool's Day post.

[New Earth]

82. so I'm trying to figure out what the original post has

to do with sexism.

[jgraz]

93. Funny how you just glossed over the "white" in "angry white women over 60"

Wouldn't that make my post racist as well as sexist and ageist??

[Yael]

104. This is your lucky day!

Be the top bidder and a sense of humor could be yours WHILE YOUR SLEEP!

http://cgi.ebay.com/SUBLIMINAL-IMPROVE-SENSE-OF-HUMOR-C...

[Alter Ego]

77. OK, you're a jerk. You made me snort out loud. AT WORK.

I guess that's what I get for reading DU at work.

[jgraz]

94. Always glad to help ;)

[underpants]

78. FuuuuNNY

[madwivoter]

79. Funny stuff...thanks!

[GOPBasher]

81. Seriously, you need to find a way to get paid for what you just wrote!

I can't believe how fucking funny that was! That rivals anything Dave Berry ever wrote!

[jgraz]

92. Hey, I'll always take donations.

[FightTheRight89]

83. Haha, this post made me mad.

Until I read much closer and caught the satire. I guess it wouldn't surprise me if they did that.

[parkeradison]

84. "Name it and claim it"

Perhaps Mr. Penn has become a disciple of Benny Hinn, Kenneth Copeland or Creflo Dollar. These tv hucksters, I mean evangelists, preach a prosperity message where you say what you want and believe it, and you will have it. This teaching is often referred to as "name it and claim it".

[L0oniX]

85. Yes ...pigs are flying.

[wowimthere]

86. PPP POLL - Obama takes 2 point lead in PA! Narrows lead in other polls.

[SoCalDem]

87. Boat hit buoy..boat sink

[SaveAmerica]

89. I guess it's those hillbilly numbers coming out of Raleigh, South Carolina!!

[krkaufman]

96. North. n/t

[SaveAmerica]

114. As per the article...

Clinton campaign buoyed by new numbers

RALEIGH, SC -- The Clinton campaign today cited new numbers for pledged delegate and popular vote counts that they believe will have a significant impact on the race for the Democratic nomination.

[jgraz]

115. Hey, if they can make up math, I can make up geography!

[krkaufman]

116. I sit corrected. No reason it can't have been SC. Apologies. n/t

[krkaufman]

95. "What Bill did for the word 'is', Hillary is doing for ..."

pledge
denounce
Democrat

[tanglefoot]

97. OMG!

That's hilarious. You should be gettin' paid.

[psychmommy]

98. jgraz just as funny on april 2.

screeeeee!

[dsharp88]

99. That must be the New Math n/t

[Kitty Herder]

102. LOL

[truebrit71]

103. ROFL!!!

Very nice!!

[Lucky 13]

105. SNORT.

boogeda-boogeda-boogeda to SCREEEEEE

[jgraz]

106. Never underestimate the power of silly words

Second only to bathroom humor in their comedic potential.

[Life Long Dem]

109. Keep repeating that.

[jgraz]

110. Love that poster!

[TheDonkey]

113. Love it!

[blogslut]

111. Damn

I waited too long to open this thread. Now I can't recommend it.

Funny, funny jgraz. It's that sticks with you, giggling just thinking about it later kinda funny. The kind of funny where it hits you in the oddest places and people look at you like you're maniac because you're snickering to yourself.

Florpteen...

[HCE SuiGeneris]

112. How did I miss this yesterday?