HUMOR: Which Endorsement Is Stronger - Norris or Stallone?

[The Donkey]

Well, we're in the height of the polical primary season, and neither party has a clear frontrunner. On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton holds a slight lead in most national polls, but will likely fall to second place in total delegates after Saturday's contest in South Carolina. John Edwards hopes to pull an upset or two and catapult into the lead himself, but will more likely than not pick up enough delegates to influence the platform at the national convention. Barack Obama currently holds a marginal lead in total delegates, but trails Senator Clinton slightly in most state and national polls.

On the Republican side, John McCain seems to be the consensus pick as the frontrunner, but has only achieved that status in the last week. Things are very volatile for the GOP, as it seems that no one has been able to capture the base of the party. Mitt Romney sure looks like he came from central casting for the role of President, but he lacks a consistent core of convictions. Mike Huckabee has the support of Evangelicals, but not from fiscal conservatives. McCain has never been embraced by the Republican establishment, and Giuliani apparently appeals to only about 9.11% of his party's likely voters.

So what can any of these fine folks do to set themselves apart from the rest of the pack? What sorts of strategies are they employing to win over the minds of undecided voters?

Well, on the Republican side, it looks like the buzz in the media is revolving around the securing of endorsements. Specifically, celebrity endorsements.

The first real sign of this came early on, when a then-unknown southern governor named Mike Huckabee drew first blood when he announced that he had secured the unwavering support from none other than Chuck Norris. Yes, that Chuck Norris! Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod - I'm getting all starstruck just thinking about it. In my mind, the only thing that comes even close to actually having Chuck Norris (the greatest human who ever lived) as the President himself is to have someone the all-knowing Norris confidently supports.

It's difficult to think that there is another person on the planet whose star power is so blinding that an endorsement alone could catapult someone from relative political obscurity to winning the first caucus in the nation. Iowans are smart, smart people, and they know the meaning of a Chuck Norris endorsement. They've heard the legends and rumors. They've bought the boxed DVD sets of Walker: Texas Ranger. I've even heard rumors of a collective dinner plate set that promises to literally kick your ass.

In case you doubt the power of Chuck, here are a few true stories about him that should convince you that his endorsement alone is worthy of your vote:

-Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know, except for the definition of mercy.
-Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
-Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
-When Chuck Norris pees, he's fully capable of welding uranium with the stream.
-For most men, the left testicle is slightly larger than the right. For Chuck norris, each testicle is bigger than the other one - a lot bigger.
-On his birthday, Chuck Norris selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

I think you get the picture.

For months, all of the other candidates vying for the Republican Presidential nomination have scrambled to find something - anything - that could compete with the Huckabee/Norris machine. For a while, it looked like there would be no hope. The closest anyone came to challenging Huckabee on the celebrity endorsement scale was Fred Thompson, who was able to get only a half-hearted endorsement from . . . . Fred Thompson. Even this endorsement took Thompson months to secure, and nobody really believed that Thompson's support was very strong to begin with. Perhaps candidate Fred Thompson knew a deep dark secret about actor Fred Thompson and blackmailed him into supporting the candidate between naps. Sadly, the world will likely never know the whole truth.

For a while, it looked like the NORRIS/(huckabee) ticket would cruise on to victory with even less competition than Chuck faced in Delta Force II: the Colombian Connection. What was wrong with the other candidates? Couldn't they feed the nation's fascination with kinda-tough guys by getting the endorsement of a Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, or even the ghost of Charles Bronson?

Enter John McCain - a man whose personal heroism pales when compared to the fake heroism of his newest supporter - Sylvester Stallone! Finally, America has the answer to the question it has been waiting for during this entire campaign season - who will receive the coveted Judge Dredd endorsement?

Sure Chuck Norris is tough, but he's no Cobra, Demolition Man, or even a bit player in Party at Kitty and Stud's. If you think Chuck Norris is tough, try these factoids on for size:

-By pulling on both ends, Stallone has the strength to turn diamonds back into coal.
-Stallone lives on a diet of beef jerky, yet he craps bullets, which he uses to kill more cows. This is known in the biological community as the "circle of life".
-The most volatile element in the universe is "Slytanium".
-According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Stallone can beat the crap out of you yesterday.
-It is scientifically impossible for Stallone to have a mortal father. The most believable theory is that he went back in time and sired himself.

I think you get the picture (again).

At least McCain has the sense to take the Stallone endorsement in passing. Huckabee drags Norris around the campaign trail like Chuck is the best reason to vote for him. I guess that's probably true, since all that "change the Constitution to reflect God's word" stuff just scares the crap outta people. Kinda like Chuck Norris! In fact, I think most people leave Huckabee events afraid, but transfer their rational fears of a real Huckabee administration to phobias about a Norris beatdown. I know it's confusing, but it's working so far. Maybe McCain will pick up on this strategy and bring Stallone along on the campaign trail to make John seem inhumanly articulate.

Or, we could vote for candidates based on how their policies will affect our lives - but I'm afraid of getting a roundhouse kick to the face.

[bluedawg12]

1. Has-been aged macho action stars are repugs-trend here?

Throw in Ahnold, as well.

Wass up with this?

[bahrbearian]

2. Only a Fight to the Death will anwser that question.

The winner Fights the Govenator.

[Staph]

3. Thanks!

I needed that!

[OmahaBlueDog]

4. Don't stop there..

Sure, Sly, Chuck Norris, and Ric Flair (you left him out) are all vitally important to the process, but you left out many other key endorsement players:

"Uncle" Ted Nugent: He's a household name if you were a teen in the 70s or 80s, he's a flaming gun nut, and he regularly screams that Hillary and Barbara Boxer should suck on his machine gun. Look for him to decide the vote in Idaho and Montana.

Larry-the-Cable-Guy: He tells everyone that the liberal commie pinkos have taken God out of Christmas, Easter, and the Daytona 500. Look for the NASCAR vote to follow his lead.

Charlie Daniels: Apparantly, after the Devil Went Down to Georgia, he found God, and became a right wing wack job. Don't believe me -- check out his website.

This time, instead of rigging the vote, the Democrat will win, but then, right before the innaguration, the whole Wrestlemania crew will pile drive the President-elect down the Capitol steps to wild applause, followed by a stirring rendition of the National Anthem by Toby Keith, with an encore of "Beer For My Horses" and "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue", and then Jeb Bush will be sworn in as President, placing his hand on a bible held by the Governator in his full Conan the Barbarian outfit.

Sure, democracy will be gone, but the TV ratings will be through the roof!

[forsberg]

5. Both are stronger than John Kerry's