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The GOP smear machine has, unfortunately, become part and parcel of the American electoral process. It’s something we’ve all come to expect; it gets revved-up early in the cycle, and gets honed to its propaganda-catapulting best as the field narrows.
However, this year’s mud-slinging machine is quickly running out of mud – mainly because the GOP are covered in it. It’s kind of hard to accuse the ‘other side’ of the very things your own party members have been entrenched in – and very publicly so. (Damn that librul media!)
Ties to corruption. Always a traditional crowd-pleaser, insinuating that a Democratic candidate has had his/her hand in the cookie-jar, or has associated with known criminals.
Can you say the words Ney, Noe, Cunningham, Foggo? How about A-B-R-A-M-O-F-F?
Sexual misconduct, that perennial favorite, will also have to be mothballed for a while – especially the kind that involves (gasp!) homosexuality, children, or fetishism. Calling Mr. Craig, Mr. Foley, Mr. Vitter; please pick up! Is Jeff Gannon in the House? Your president is waiting.
One word: Incompetence. One response: Katrina.
Democrats lie! Finally found those WMDs in Iraq, have you – along with the mobile chemical labs and the balsa-wood drones that can drop chemical weapons on its neighbors within fifteen minutes? Now’s the time to trot that news out – oh, if only it weren’t another well-worn lie.
Tax & Spend. My personal favorite. The party of fiscal responsibility has just run up the largest national debt in the country’s history. Now, do tell us again how much interest we’re paying on that debt, won’t ya, pretty please? Oh, and by the way, any word on the billions of taxpayers’ dollars that have simply gone missin’ on your watch?
Weak on National Security. Uh-oh, another once-reliable soundbyte goes out the window. According to those damnable surveys, the voters think otherwise. Admittedly, it took a few years to sink in: Yeah, yeah, there hasn’t been another 9-11 attack since – well, since 9-11. But if you people are so on-the-ball, why did 9-11 happen in the first place?
Lack of ‘family’ values. Oooh, it’s a shame to see this one go down so fast, and so hard. Chelsea Clinton and Cate Edwards – never arrested for under-age drinking, and no photos of drunken partying spread all over the internetz. And if only all of the Dem candidates were on their third rather than their first marriages, you guys could have a field day. Alas, it was not meant to be.
They want to institute a ‘nanny state’ type of governance. Oh, you betcha. The Democrats want horrible things like meat inspection, and keeping lead-laden toys out of American children’s hands. Granted, it’s not as intrusive as, say, wiretapping, but it does seem to strike a positive chord with people who would rather the government was inspecting their food instead of intercepting their emails to grandma.
Of course, the smear-machine includes a precision target-seeker mechanism, meant to zero-in on potential vulnerabilities of individuals, such as …
Hillary Clinton: A weak woman who stood by her man, even though she knew he was a philanderer. Calling Mrs. Craig, Mrs. Vitter – please pick up! Your wide-stance husband has been arrested, and his diaper needs changing! Divorce lawyers are on the line; please have your credit card handy!
Barack Obama: Admits to using marijuana and cocaine in the past. Pretty hard sell when your own party has supported a drunk coke-head for the past seven years – and judging from his slurred words and bruises from a series of unspecified mishaps, it would seem that el selected presidente's substance abuse is not exactly a part of his past.
John Edwards: A guy intent on ruining the country by going after Big Pharma, Big Oil, Big Business. Uh, don’t look now, but the average voter is on his side. There aren’t too many people out there who are rooting for the corporations that have outsourced their jobs, the drug companies that are pushing unsafe and/or ineffective but expensive pharmaceuticals – and the oil conglomerates? Hey, who doesn’t want to see that price-per-gallon skyrocket?
Let’s face it, guys, you got nuthin’. Thanks to BushCo and your unwavering support thereof, there isn’t a crime or personal peccadillo that’s been a headline over the past few years that didn’t have a GOPer’s name written all over it.
So the smear-machine is out of ammo – but don’t despair. You can always rely on the positive, like your party’s accomplishments: overturning Roe v Wade, a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, victory in Iraq – oh, sorry, I completely forgot you’ve never lived up to your campaign promises. Not to worry; I’m sure nobody noticed.
Maybe it’s better to stick with the tried-and-true stuff, like the booming economy, how you Support the Troops, what good Christians you all are – and just hope that no one has actually realized that the economy sucks, our vets are being shafted, and Jesus never would have condoned torture.
That being said, I want to wish all of you good luck in November! You guys are a shoe-in!
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