Of Rivers, Creeks, and a Lack of Paddles ...

[NanceGreggs]

We all know that Lil’ Dubya has been floating down that river in Egypt for a while now. But apparently, he’s got lots of company.

With all of the nonsense spewing forth from Republican mouths these days, it’s hard to choose just one dunderhead to pick on. But Rep. Mike Conaway (R - duh!) was clearly this week’s winner in the “Oh, no, he DI’NT say THAT” category.

According to the esteemed Mr. Conaway, the GOP are poised to take back control of the House in 2008. I wish he’d said that Rush Limbaugh is likely to replace Jon Stewart as host of The Daily Show instead – I probably wouldn’t have ruined yet another computer keyboard with a spontaneous spray of coffee.

But this guy was actually serious, and here’s the money line: “We need to convince voters that our Republican ideals of limited government, low taxes, greater freedoms and greater personal responsibility create a better environment in which to raise our children and provide a better future for our grandchildren.”

Ah, yes, those Republican Ideals … I remember them like it was yesterday – well, like they said it was yesterday, although I’m hard pressed to remember a time when it actually was that way.

Limited government, yeah, that’s the ticket! Under GOP rule, the government has grown to such proportions, the only person left in the country who isn’t a federal employee is my wife, Morgan Fairchild.

Low taxes? Well, I can’t honestly argue with that one. If you’re a multi-millionaire, or a corporation raking in record profits, your taxes actually have been lowered, thanks to your local friendly Republican. Of course, voters see that a little differently. It took a while for some to catch on, but once John Q. Middle-Class Public realized that while he got a couple of hundred bucks knocked off his taxes, the oil companies got a couple of billion knocked off theirs, he started thinking that maybe – just maybe – there was a little fuzzy math happening here.

Greater freedoms? Yessir, yessir, Mr. GOP Man, give me more of those famous greater freedoms, why don’t ya? Like those freedoms guaranteed by the Patriot Act, and the alleged freedoms the president now has to ignore the Constitution, the law, and the boundaries of his office.

Thanks to the GOP, we are all now free to be wiretapped, or even arrested and imprisoned without due process. Well, at least we still have the right to remain silent when we’re hauled off to the hoosegow for trying to board an airplane with a bottle of moisturizer – and isn’t that what this great nation is all about?

Heck, we’re even free to die of salmonella poisoning if we want to! All it takes is a cantaloupe or a jar of peanut butter. It just doesn’t get any better than that, does it now?

As for greater personal responsibility, you can’t say the GOP haven’t promoted this concept all along. By way of example, if those people in New Orleans had any sense of personal responsibility, they would have been born somewhere else. Why didn’t they just pick someplace safe, like Kennebunkport? What were they thinking when they chose to live out their lives in a city with an unsafe levee system in the first place? Come on, people, do you expect the government to do everything for you? Geesh!

I must admit that it was the “creating a better environment for our children” line that really struck home with me. First off, I’m always surprised when any Republican uses the word environment at all these days, considering the heck of a job they’ve done in that area. But obviously Conaway wasn’t talking about that environment – you know, the one his party keeps allowing corporations to pollute.

I think he was talking about that other environment his party is creating for our children – the one where they get to play that cool new game, “Beat The System”. That’s where you try to get a college degree and graduate with expertise in an area before all of the jobs in that field are outsourced to a cheap labor market. I hear it’s all the rage.

But “a better future for our grandchildren”? That’s the line that is beyond priceless. Yes, America, we must create a better future for our grandchildren, because they’re the ones who will be paying off the debt the Republicans have run up in the past six years – and how we’re actually supposed to go about that is anybody’s guess.

They could work extra hours in the factories – but they’re all being shipped to Mexico. They could work in the textile mills – the ones that are now located in China. They can always pitch-in by foregoing things like health insurance and pensions – but those things are gone already.

Maybe Mr. Conaway should have been a little more specific.

But of course, he’s a very busy man, so maybe that’s why he doesn’t have the time to devote to explaining himself, and his party’s agenda, more explicitly. You see, Mr. Conaway was off to help lead the “Victory in Iraq” caucus campaign this week to oppose the Democrats’ anti-troop surge resolution, and you’ve got to give credit where credit is due.

As Conaway said last Wednesday: "This rhetoric is dangerous and it lends the impression that we do not support the efforts of our troops as they put their lives on the line for our freedom.”

Well, there you go. It’s not the unarmoured vehicles, or the cutting of benefits and medical care to the troops that’s giving the impression that we don’t support their efforts. It’s the Democratic rhetoric – hey, who knew?

(I don’t want to sound pushy, but being as they’re all getting together anyway, maybe the “Victory in Iraq” caucus can come up with a definition of ‘Victory in Iraq’.)

As with every good joke, there’s got to be a punchline, and Conaway’s had ‘em rolling in the aisles. Commenting that the NRCEC had no patience for taking four to six years to reclaim the House, he opined that “we want to get it back in two years.”

Yeah, sure, okay. You want the House back in two years, and I want to marry a prince, star in my own movie, discover a cure for AIDS and find the Fountain of Youth in my backyard. Not for nothin’, Mr. Conaway, but I think we should both plan on being extremely disappointed.

In the meantime, Mr. C, have a good time on your canoe trip in Egypt – and don’t try to borrow any paddles from your fellow Republicans while they’re moving upstream, because they don’t have any either.

Oh, and best of luck with that "convincing the voters" thing ...

[JeffR]

1. Conaway, Mike, conaway

Another GOP hose-pail who's going to have to pack up his files in 2 years and have them shipped to a K Street lobbyist's office, where he'll continue to "stay the course" despite his constituents having come down with a severe case of buyers' remorse.

Well done, Nance!

[blondie58]

2. excellent rant

another profound post full of truths that are very bitter to accept.

Lets just hope that the voters stay well informed and that any voting problems are resolved less we suffer another stolen election. I don't trust those jerks.

[Starfury]

3. K & R - Well done!