The Four Known Types of Conservative

[smoogatz]

After years of intensive research on the subject, our crack team of political zoologists has identified four subspecies of the endangered American Conservative, currently numbered at approximately one third of the general population. In order of influence, they are:

1. The "I'm a member of the corporate master-class and I'll kill you and burn your house down if I have to in order to maintain the social order," conservatives. Also known as "economic conservatives."

2. The "Jesus loves you unless you're Mexican, a Muslim, a homo, a liberal, poor, or a sexually active woman" conservatives. Aka, "social conservatives."

3. The "I watch Fox News and I like Republicans because they take my tax money and give it to rich white people instead of poor black people" conservatives. Aka, "NASCAR conservatives."

4. The "if somebody doesn't do something pretty damn quick the UN will take our guns and our women will be forced to mate with mud people," conservatives. Aka, "libertarian conservatives."

To sum up, the good news is that most conservatives are too stupid to find a mate and reproduce successfully. The bad news is that among the three latter subspecies, those who are able to figure out where the weenie goes refuse to practice responsible birth control and therefore breed like rats, passing their defective DNA along to future generations. We are now in the process of formulating a set of recommendations. Your input is welcome.

[tanyev]

1. Very good, although I would amend #2 to something like

"openly sexually active woman". There's plenty of fundies out there that want their future daughters to remain virgins until their wedding day, but somehow make exceptions for themselves in their own dating lives.