Everyone around me is either pregnant or has a SO who is... advice

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

I have been struggling mightily hard with the fact that I can't have kids (I had to have a hysterectomy last year). It got so bad that any mention of babies or pregnancy would send me crying. I was on anti-depressants for a while. I don't cry all the time any more, but now my coworkers' wives are pregnant, a lady engineer is expecting and all around me it's just pregnancy/babies...

I tell my husband that it hurts. He doesn't think it's a big deal (he really doesn't want kids - at least that's what he tells me), that we can do the things we want to do (such as taking terrific trips) and not be burdened financially or otherwise, that my niece and nephew (who live on the West Coast and hardly get to see me) are enough DNA to be carried over, etc.

So I have just stopped talking to him about these feelings. And, since he says he doesn't want kids, it's pointless to begin the adoption process here in NC (not to mention we'd still have to wait a while, since NC requires that we are married at least 1 year prior to the start of paperwork and we've just married a couple of months ago).

I keep busy, between work, knitting and my college basketball obsession. But... it's hard.

So, here I am surrounded by the baby/pregnancy wave, though my coworkers don't tell me directly these things (I think it's a well known fact that I've had a hysterectomy).

ok, venting is good...

[RT Atlanta]

1. talk about it and your feelings....

that's a good thing.

Sending positive vibrations (channeling my inner Bob Marley) your way. There are many many ways for you to positively impact children and you will no doubt, sooner or later, find a way to channel your love for babies and children into one of those avenues.

Cheers from ATL!

[seabeyond]

2. i am so sorry you are in this situation. i hope you are able to find a

peaceful place with all this. i wish you the best. whatever comes about for you.

[Bunny]

3. It's okay to mourn the loss of your fertility, and grief counseling may be in order.

If you don't feel you can turn to your husband for comfort, maybe you could see a therapist for a while. I'm sorry for your loss. :hug:

[Angry Dragon]

4. I am sorry your husband is not more supportive

:hug:

[comsymp]

6. Are you sure about that?

Obviously, I don't know Hubby or his feelings on the matter. He may well have never wanted to be a father and this isn't impacting him at all. ORRRR, maybe he's actually being *very* supportive. Being a fellow Penised-American (from your profile), you may know what I mean.

I'd submit this POSSIBILITY:

Generality 1) A little pseudo-anthropology here: we testosterone-based life forms have a hard-wired instinct / Prime Directive to Protect and Make It Better.
Generality 2) We don't always share our feelings in a way that's clear to our loved ones.
Generality 3) We don't always share our deeper feelings with ourselves - we tend to sublimate 'em.

One Result (and of course YMMV):
We try to soften the blow by downplaying *the cause of* our loved one's hurt - "it's not a big deal, really didn't want xxxx anyway" and play UP the positive side of the issue: "now we can xxxxxxx, which we couldn't have if yyyyyyyyy"


SO, WILMYWOOD - Are you sure that isn't what Hubby is doing? You don't have to respond here - but you should at least consider that possibility. And, of course, the even greater possibility that I'm FOS.

Also, I'm not sure it's such a good thing that you've decided to "just stop talking to him about..." Assuming you two love, trust and respect each other, maybe keeping your feelings (especially about something so important) to yourself is doing him - and your relationship - a disservice.

FWIW, I think I have a pretty good understanding of what you're feeling. I've always wanted kids - more than anything, and for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, as a GM, for most of my life that wasn't an option. Things changed a couple years ago and we (my SO & I) found ourselves in a position to start the ball rolling. Wellll, shit happens and now we've had to accept that it's off the table (partly due to our age at this point, other stuff). I was in a deep, DEEEP funk for several months, got kinda over it, hit another bad month and just found out that a good friend had a baby a couple days ago, and another good friend's daughter just told her today that she's pregnant w/a miracle baby. Lucky me, my friend had to tell somebody and I was the lucky recipient!

It sux but most of the time it's bearable; hell, sometimes I don't even think about it for days at a time. It will eventually be mostly OK for you and your Hubby as long as you can count on each other.

But regardless of my blathering, RT Atlanta, Bunny and my old friend rbnyc (whom I haven't run into online in years!) all have good advice re: talking about it, whether counseling, friends or a support group of some kind.

Your neighbor in Fayetteville (and former Wilmingtonian, myself) -


*edited for CTFS

[Angry Dragon]

7. You might have replyed to me by mistake

just wondering .........

[comsymp]

9. Was a 2-parter

First part of reply was directed at your comment re: WW's husband not being more supportive, tho intended for both of you. The 2nd part was intended for her, assuming she comes / came back to the thread later.

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

10. I certainly think this is an option

to make me feel better.

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

11. This is what I love about DU... no matter which side of 'left'

we're all on, nothing can take away your genuine caring... thanks to all.

[rbnyc]

5. That's hard.

Good advice has been posted already. You do need to grieve and in your own time, with a supportive network if you can find one. When I lost a baby many years ago, a few people in my life became pregnant and I couldn't even be around them. It must be even more difficult for you, and you're allowed to feel that way. I would look for a support group.

Writing about it is also a great thing to do.

[Hippo_Tron]

8. I know it's easier said that done, but stop worrying about what other people have

Human beings make themselves miserable by coveting what others have. And then if they get it, they usually discover it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

Now I'm not saying don't adopt kids in the future if that's what you want to do. But don't be distressed about the fact that people around you are having kids and you are not. If you focus on yourself instead of comparing yourself to others, you will feel better.

[Bucky]

12. Hippo Tron is giving you tough, but excellent advice.

I also struggle a lot with depression. One thing that has helped me is my learning to my practicing at living in gratitude. Being grateful doesn't mean papering over your hurts, but finding things that are good and bring nonshittiness into your life.

In addition to all the other comforts in thread, I'm also sympathetic. My own parenting hasn't been working out to good lately. I can't tell you how bad it hurts or how empty I feel to think all my sacrifices were for nothing. But you deserve to have joy in your life alongside those hurts and you owe it to yourself to look around for the things that can give you that. :hug:

[zanana1]

13. I went through the baby social circle thing...

In our twenties, my husband and and I would be excluded from social events because we just didn't understand the world of parenting and stil wanted to do "single" things like go out dancing, etc. Finally, we found no other solution but to find new friends. There's nothing like an old friend, and we miss them still, but life changes and people change along with it.

[cbdo2007]

14. I'm sorry *hugs*

I don't know your exact situation besides what you've told us, by my wife and I struggled with infertility for a couple of years and with her dealing with all of the same things you mention. There was always someone at work or in the family getting pregnant and having a baby shower and asking us when we were having kids, etc. It was really hard on my wife so I do understand somewhat what you're going through.

It really is a "grief" process that you are experiencing and all of the people just saying "oh get over it, you need to move on" don't understand that. If someone's Mom died you wouldn't just say "get over it", people would let them grieve and respect that but with infertility people are so likely to NOT understand how truly difficult it is so they try to give advice that really isn't helpful at all.

A few things that helped my wife were that we joined a local grief support group to talk about this with other couples going through similar things, and also she found some good online forums for infertility support. Not just the "trying to get pregnant" part of it but dealing with people and their stupid comments and dealing with family/friends who are having babies all around you. I think one of them was on The Bump forum. It's worth a shot, for some support.

Also about your husband, he has no idea what you're going through. I didn't for a long time with my wife. I didn't get it, why it was such a big deal, and why we couldn't go to family gatherings and stuff, but eventually I understood and "got it". Share with him how hard it is for you. Ask him really if he is interested in adoption because it just sounds like he's trying to make light of the situation to help you feel better - not understanding this isn't how you want to deal with it. He's trying to help you cope by finding the "positives" of the situation without just letting you grieve and reflect on what you're missing. If he is interested in adopting, go ahead and start researching/saving/etc. and that hope may help you as you continue working through the grief of the situation.

Best of luck to you both :)