Alone and lonely tonight?

[Withywindle]

'm 41. I'm single. I have no children. I'm an only child and my parents (still alive, thank the gods) live hundreds of miles away.

I really don't want to believe Christmas Eve is different than any other night, but when I was a child, it was so magical that it really hurts to feel alone now. No one calls. No one invites me out. Most of my single friends are out of town.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear Withywindle...

Ah, sweetie...

I hear you.

It can be very lonely this time of year...

Perhaps it's time for you to be proactive, not to wait for them to come to you...

Or maybe find someplace to be, where you can help others...

I know when I feel down that nothing feels as good as making someone else feel better too...

:hug:

[Withywindle]

3. CaliforniaPeggy, thank you!

I think my biggest goal in the New Year will be to reach out more. It's hard, because I'm a natural introvert.

Once upon a time (back when I had a good job in journalism), I had a lot of friends and lovers who claimed they knew me and valued me. They're nowhere to be found tonight.

It's very possible that the best thing I can do is to move back to my parents' small town in the South and look for work there. The jobs are not very inspiring. But I'd rather work fast food and know I have people who care about me nearby than have a more glamorous job where I'm alone on Christmas.

[applegrove]

12. That is excellent advice peggy.

[BrklynLiberal]

26. You are a VERY wise woman, Peggy.

[tinkerbell41]

28. Good Idea Peggy!!

[tinkerbell41]

2. Yes

My Mom passed 3 yrs ago, and although my family was really tight knit, never spent a Christmas Eve apart, my Dad remarried and things haven't been the same since. My ONLY CHILD is spending this evening with her boyfriends family. I'm just not feeling it this year.
I'm 44, and spent the last 20 yrs raising my daughter so I really had no social life, I have been trying to find new things to do since she went away to school.
I'm sorry you are alone, but I know how you feel.

[Withywindle]

5. **hugs**

I know it's hard. It really is. I'm sorry you are alone too. I wish we lived nearby.

What I'm going to do is take some sleeping pills and try to write this whole night off. That might work for you too.

[tinkerbell41]

7. Not the answer!!

I live near you, the night is beautiful, make some hot tea, chocolate, coffee whatever... go outside and breathe. Enjoy the moment. You will not be alone forever, someday the joy of this evening will come back.
I will be (virtually) joining you outside, to reflect and maybe spy an owl. Or put that dumb log burning fire on the tv. No sleeping pills

[Withywindle]

11. I've seen falcons and hawks in trees on my street.

I used to think, whenever I saw some gruesome pigeon remains on the sidewalk, that an alley cat did the deed.

But now I'm not so sure.

Back home, where I grew up, black bears and bobcats were par for the course. I'm glad that there's a little bit of nature here too. God bless the falcons and coyotes.

[tinkerbell41]

14. I'm an avid birdwatcher/feeder

I have a few hawks that hang out, yes I know what they want. I don't want my birds eaten but the hawks are pretty cool.
Black Bears and Bobcats, now that would be really cool!!

[Withywindle]

17. I grew up in Southwest Virginia

Very rural and isolated. My dad was a park ranger on the Blue Ridge Parkway.


Within an hours' drive, we knew where a great Golden Eagle nesting place was in the spring. That was part of our seasonal process when I was a kid.

[tinkerbell41]

22. So Chicago must be a culture shock??

We go watch the Eagles at Starved Rock in Febuary. It's in Utica Il. They are not Golden Eagles though.

[Withywindle]

31. Yeah but I moved here in '92

after going to college in Ohio starting in '87.

[tinkerbell41]

4. Jeeze

I just checked your profile (sorry) and see you live in my town!! I was wondering how many people out there were feeling like this tonight.
I wish for the day my enthusiasm for this Holiday comes back.

[Withywindle]

6. Well, not quite

You're in Northlake (I don't even know where that is--I don't have a car, so everything out of CTA range is "here be dragons" to me), and I'm in Chicago, two stops from the Loop on the Blue Line.

Chicago, like all big cities, is full of lonely people (Eleanor Rigby, etc). It's to be expected.

[tinkerbell41]

8. About 20 min away.

Driving. I take the blue-line to go downtown.

[Withywindle]

9. Let's make a case for a Chicago-area DU meetup.

I don't expect a stranger to get on the train to comfort me now. But it would be nice to meet some good people face to face.

[tinkerbell41]

10. Ok

But ya gotta do the hot chocolate thing first. It's good you reached out, i was kinda lurking til I seen your post. A-HA there is someone feeling like this.

[Withywindle]

13. It's gonna take some posting in GD

which ain't easy. And we'll have to agree on a meeting place, which is contentious.

[tinkerbell41]

15. Why does everyone say that about GD??

Like people are scared?
I've lived here (Chicago) when you live in the surrounding burbs, you just say that's where you live, my whole life, find some more people in GD and I'll go. Anywhere is fine.

[Withywindle]

18. OK, I'll post

:D

[Withywindle]

21. done!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=439x67373

[tigereye]

61. I know a lot of cool current and ex-Duers in Chicago area

and have visited them several times. I suspect (from reading your posts) that they would be glad to make your acquaintance in future! :D

[mopinko]

62. we are so so so freakin' overdue for a chicago meetup.

i know a lot of the chicago people hang in the lounge here.
what about next week?
and might i suggest goose island clybourn? they will take good care of us.
send me a pm if you think you can do this.

[Lisa0825]

16. Sort of... I try to talk myself out of it... but I remember it was nicer

back when I wasn't alone.

I am divorced, 42, my parents are deceased, my sister who I love is a thousand miles away... my brother is nearby but he doesn't invite me to his family holidays. I have some good friends and usually get together with someone for either Christmas Eve or Day, but it just isn't the same kind of feeling as when I was with family.

But I figure I have to get used to it... it has been this way for about 10 years, and I imagine this is how it will continue to be. So I don't think of holidays as holidays anymore, because it is easier to dismiss them then to let them make me feel like I am missing out.

[tinkerbell41]

19. Hugs

:hug: I'm sorry, I guess you don't think about these things til they happen to you. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be alone tonight. You are right, it isn't the same feeling as when you are with family.

[Withywindle]

23. You don't have to talk yourself out of it.

It hurts to be alone tonight. It's OK to feel the pain, and cry. (That's what I'm doing).

But really, it's just 48 hours. Some of the worst 48 hours for lonely people. Suicide rates are so fucking high. Just survive. Please do. That's what I'm concentrating on doing. If you make it through, that's a victory.

[Lady President]

20. Hugs!

My situation is very similar... I'll be 40 in a few weeks, single, no kids, only child, and only grandchild. I'm very lucky that my mom is still living and lives a few miles away.

I made a promise to my mom and myself that if the time comes when I'm alone for Christmas that I'll go on a trip. There are always single vacations available. I plan to save my money and skip town.

I know you don't me at all, but if you ever find yourself in Ohio during the holiday season, you would be welcome to spend Christmas with me and my mom.

[tinkerbell41]

24. How sweet!!

I love DU

[Lady President]

34. Serious offer

Those of us without a lot of family need to stick together.

It reminds me of a Thanksgiving I spent alone... I was a second year law student and had way too much work to make the several hour drive home. I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid I would seem pathetic. I found out the next Monday that one of my closest friends had done the same thing. The next year, the two of us splurged for a great dinner. If either of us would have been a little bolder, we would have avoided a very lonely holiday.

[thirtiesgirl]

25. wow...

I could have written this post myself. I'm also 41 (eep! yes, the horrid truth is revealed :o), single, with no children (happily child free, as I usually say). I'm not with family tonight, although I'll go visit them tomorrow. My mom lives 2 hours away, but in my case, my relationship with family is rather strained and I choose to keep my distance from them and spend a minimal amount of time with them. I'll visit for xmas because it makes my mom happy, but I don't spend more time in her house than necessary.

When I was a kid, things were different and xmas was a magical time. I loved xmas eve and looked forward to it all year. I've become jaded over the years, though, and now no longer think of the holiday season as a magical time. It's just another day for me. Being single is no damn fun any time of year, but I know what you mean about feeling lonely during the holidays. I've been single off and on for the past 12 years, and in general, have enjoyed my single-hood. I ended a 2-year relationship this past February, though, and I did kind of see that guy as my last chance to make a relationship work. I haven't wanted to get back into the dating scene since we ended the relationship, and I've kind of given up hope of finding anyone else.

So I understand where you're coming from. Do something nice for yourself, watch a movie you enjoy, drink some good wine, enjoy the crisp night air, drive around the neighborhood and look at the holiday lights, pamper yourself in the tub, talk to family on the phone... whatever works for you. See yourself through the evening in style and have a relaxing day tomorrow.

[Withywindle]

46. Thank you.

My parents are far away - on the east coast, while I'm in Chicago. I miss them. But what I'm doing right now is listening to their favorite music.

I got my love of the Kinks and Captain Beefheart from my dad.

I got my love of Brazilian and Middle Eastern music from my mom.


I got my sense of the love of animals from both of them. They raised me with a German Shepherd "sister" that they got as a puppy when I was 3. Yeah, she bit me when I was 6, but I totally deserved it. They didn't put her down. They just yelled at both of us, "BAD," and sent us to our respective rooms for a while.

[BrklynLiberal]

27. The Holiday Season is not filled with joy and laughter for everyone....

You are not alone.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

29. Alone, not lonely.

I've spent my Christmases alone for years. It used to bother me, but it doesn't any more -- I just hunker down, listen to some good music, and play with the cats. It's just another day to me now.

[Lisa0825]

30. Cats make everything better :-)

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

32. They do.

And frankly, sometimes I'd really rather hang out with cats than with people.

[Withywindle]

39. I know, I'm not really alone.

I have her, my Madimi:







I'm alone tonight, except for her. I'm so glad she's here. She's curled up in a tight little ball, making tiny cooing noises like a little pigeon. :loveya:


Those people who think we ought to value humans over animals, no matter what? I want to ask, have you ever been lonely, with a dog or cat your only companion? Have you ever felt rejected by people, but were lucky enough to have a furry little mammal nuzzle your hand when you were in pain?

Yeah. Fuck all those people who think animals are disposable. For some of us, they're the best friends ever.

[tinkerbell41]

41. Cute!!

I have a few companions myself. Dogs, cats.
Love to come home to them, snuggle with them.

[Withywindle]

44. She's the one I live for.

If not for her, I wouldn't bother. But she is ALWAYS so glad to snuggle with me!

[thirtiesgirl]

43. Agreed.

I'm spending the evening with my two catbabies and eps of CSY:NY. There's a real suspenseful one on now, where the staff doctor gets stuck in a prison riot with a serial killer on the cell block who the CSIs helped put away. Can't wait to see what happens. Cats and CSI? Nothing better.

[FarLeftRage]

33. Yes...

I'm 52, single and the middle child. Mom passed away earlier this year and I'm staying with my 87 year old father... so not really alone, but very lonely. This holiday season is different from the previous ones, because I don't feel in a festive mood at all.

Like you, no one calls. I get no invites out and I have no more single friends... It does indeed hurt.

[tinkerbell41]

36. Oh I'm so sorry.

Losing a parent really does change things. I just don't feel the same anymore. I have tried reaching out and making new friends, trying new things, because my family situation has drastically changed in the last few years.
Hugs to you too!! :hug:

[FarLeftRage]

37. Thank you.

I have reached out as well, and made a few new friends... only because I have the time. I have been unemployed for the last 2 years, so it is even more difficult to deal with the holidays.

:hug:'s to you, too.

[tinkerbell41]

40. Wow I feel you.

I was unemployed for 21 mos, went back to work this spring, worked for 25 weeks and am back out again. I'm in the trades so it's a little different. But this is the third Christmas I haven't bought gifts for anyone except my kid. I was a huge shopper (not monetary) so much as picking out the perfect thing and being so excited to give it. I love giving gifts, I love finding things to give. I would start in October.
I nearly went crazy with the last lay-off, I'm looking at 2 yrs again. So I have planned workouts at the Y and birding excursions around town.

[Withywindle]

42. Yeah, this season is so fucking hard.

All we see are commercials featuring 30-something parents and their kids. That's nice for those people in that stage of life...but it's frankly not the norm, is it?

I feel that the fact that I've been single for almost 5 years is...difficult...for a lot of my friends, who are all paired off. If they invite me to dinner, well, that's gonna be an odd number of people, right? Of course that's awkward. The table seatings are all on the Noah's Ark principle, a single woman just makes things difficult. And someone's going to have to help me get home, because of course a single woman can't take the bus home alone at 3 AM.....oh, it gets so complicated.

Easier for them to just not invite me than deal with that kind of awkwardness. :(

[thirtiesgirl]

45. Time to find some single friends!

[Withywindle]

47. Yeah, but all the ones I've found are "on the make"

I'm, er, not. I like sex, very much, but I am pretty much pleased with smutty stories online and a vibrator. I can work this for months.

I really kind of want a partner who will flirt with me and engage me in conversation for months, so that we know we have serious common interests. That's how I've met most of my long-term lovers in my life. Most of the people (of either gender) I've been most turned on by, I knew for at least a year before we ever had sex.

[thirtiesgirl]

48. Well...

I'm not talking about meeting people on dating sites or online. Most people I meet online who want to meet me in person are looking for a casual hook-up. That's just par for the course with the internet, as least in my experience. I'm talking about finding friends, like people you'd meet at a book club, stitch'n'bitch circle, yoga, coffee klatch, etc. ...Basically any place where the point of hanging out is not to find casual hook-ups. Maybe join Meetup.com and meet some people through meetup groups.

[Withywindle]

49. I'm sorry.

As my original post indicates, I am lonely tonight. That's just how it is. I have good friends, but they all have somewhere else to be at Christmastime.

They all have spouses and kids and in-laws, etcetera.

I don't begrudge them. But I have none of the above. I don't even have a lover. Haven't had one for 4 years.

[thirtiesgirl]

54. I get it,

but again, I'm talking about finding SINGLE friends with no spouses or partners to hang with on the holidays. Kids? Ok, maybe. I used to periodically hang out with a single friend of mine on the holidays, a single mom with two kids. She actually liked having me around during the holidays because it took a little of the pressure off her, not having to be 'Supermom' 24/7. Her ex had the kids almost every other xmas, so she got a break occasionally. And on those holidays, she'd sometimes gather with me and some other single co-workers for a drink on xmas eve, if we didn't have other places to be. ...Point being, THAT's what I'm talking about: a group of single people without other commitments who can act as kind of a surrogate family, of sorts, on the holidays. It can be helpful in times when you need it. And if you want a romantic partner, start looking around online, do some speed-dating, or join a dating service. I'm single on the holidays, too, and I know it's no damn fun. But it's not for lack of trying. The last guy I dated was someone I met online. I wouldn't have found him if I wasn't looking. So keep an open mind and give some things a try. You never know what you might find.

[Bennyboy]

35. Horrible

Kids are scattered. My daughter is hanging with her new family and so that means no grandkids. Mom is in South Carolina with a shattered femur. Had to tell her this week that I will not take care of her anymore if or when she comes home. Just the worst.

[abq e streeter]

52. Sorry to hear this about you too, Bennyboy

I hope tomorrow will be a better day, and if not, then the day after that...I know, pretty lame words on my part, but I for what it's worth, I sincerely mean them.

[Bennyboy]

56. Thanks my friend...

At least my Mom is among friends and family today so that tis something.

[MrMickeysMom]

38. It's tough to go through those times...

A year ago, one of my siblings was so totally alone, and this Christmas he's visiting here and is sleeping with much more piece of mind. It just reminded me that you have pause at this moment to realize that it will get better.

Things can be so tough to put you in a position of being alone, but.... it will get better.

It always does get better, my DU friends.

Happy Christmas time to you all.

[abq e streeter]

50. Hello WithyW. I don't know what to say,

except that this is me , abq e streeter calling . I know, just another stranger's words on a computer screen, but if it helps at all, I care (and having spent many cold lonely nights in Chicago, where I grew up; Evanston and the north side...I can relate; if anything, more than I wish I did). A good bit older than you and single (not by choice) and no children either(again, not by choice; just the way it worked out). I'm gonna be up for awhile, and on DU at least part of that time. If it helps at all, I would be glad to help keep you company from afar ,for a while anyway, tonight. And I hope you feel better soon. Being lonely sucks; again, more experience with that than I would have preferred...I apologize for this post being so inarticulate, but my intent is one of kindness and caring.

[Lucian]

51. I'm with my family but I'm alone.

I'm the only one out of us who doesn't have a kid, so Christmas just passes me by. I have no gifts to open, but everyone else does. I'm forgotten in my family.

Thank the gods I bought a flask yesterday. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to survive Christmas.

[Honeycombe8]

70. Maybe it's time you start spending Christmas with friends...

who appreciate your company? I'm sure your family loves you and vice versa, but maybe you should consider what you WANT to do with your Christmas time. If you don't enjoy it with your family, maybe there's something else you'd rather be doing?

BTW...I would guess that you are probably not as forgotten as you think. As the middle kid of five (I'm in my 50s now), talk about forgotten. I thought. But as the years have gone by, I have seen that I am not forgotten at all. I matter. I'm missed when I don't go back for holidays. This surprised me. It's partly because I wasn't a warm, close, fuzzy type of person, I suppose (none of us are...we're sort of like an Italian family...lots of laughing and jokes and fighting). But I've become warmer as the years have passed (I worked on that), and my family responded. They became warmer TO me, as I became warmer to them. Maybe you could try that?

[Lucian]

72. I could...

but the years have made me colder. I don't even like being around people much anymore.

[Honeycombe8]

76. Yeah, that can happen. I had to work at it. I wanted to overcome my upbringing

and be one of those warmer kinds of people that I've known. I'm too silly, prone to laughter, extroverted to be a really warm and fuzzy, caring person (I can't help but see the humor in many things...good in a way, but it's a curse; my siblings and I even laughed and joked around at my mother's funeral.) But I gradually made a point of trying to be warmer and more caring, in little ways, and others responded to it. I gradually became that way w/o trying...to a degree. (Not to say I've not been considerate; I've always been pretty considerate of others, being the middle of 5 kids.)

People like to know they matter. If you are warm and caring with them, they will respond. They like to know that they matter to you. As Martha says, that's a good thing. Just in and of itself.

No one on his death bed ever wished that he had been less warm and caring of others.

[Tuesday_Morning]

53. I was once faced with a very difficult Christmas

and asked a wise friend of mine for advice. She said that each Christmas is different and to appreciate what each one is instead of comparing them to some mythical, magical Christmas. That advice has helped me through some very tricky holidays.

[abq e streeter]

55. To Withy and others who've posted about feeling the same way tonight....

My heart goes out to all of you who feel so alone tonight. A year ago, almost to the day, I was at the end of my rope and was so far down that I didn't think I'd ever come back up. I'd recently written a post about how I wouldn't be posting much here anymore; I just didn't think my words or thoughts were worth enough to bother, and didn't think my life meant anything either. Right about then,completely out of the blue, I got a PM from someone I'd never had any interaction with here, telling me she was sorry to hear that I wouldn't be posting much anymore, that she enjoyed my posts ; thought I had interesting things to say etc. I was floored, both at the timing, as well as that apparently there was someone I didn't even know existed, and had no idea she knew I existed, who I discovered I meant something to. That helped bring me back from the brink....I want to try to pay that forward in some small way tonight. I am still struggling, but doing a lot better than I was, and if it helps anyone even just a tiny bit, to have someone that's been there (alone and lonely) way more often than I wish I had , telling you that they genuinely care, well, I genuinely do. I will be up for awhile, and checking in on DU off and on, and if it will help anyone to just have someone to say hi to, and get a hi (or more) back from, even if it's just words from a stranger on a computer screen, then please feel free to reply or even PM . I have no great words of wisdom ( boy is that the understatement of the year), but again, I want to honor the kindness of that stranger a year ago by offering to be a kind stranger myself tonight. As I said in my reply to Withywindle, I apologize for how inarticulate this post is, but my intention is one of kindness and caring.

[kimi]

77. I'm checking in late to this thread

but this post really touched my heart. I hear ya, about wanting to pay things forward. Sometimes we think that the intertubenets are so anonymous and that people out there are not connected - but they are, really. I've been at points in my life also when I almost gave up, have just dissolved into despair, but people in virtual-land came forward and reached out, and made things more bearable.

Holidays are hard times, they accentuate the isolation that we feel is normal at other times of the year, and that we feel, if not comfortable with, at least accepting of, if that makes sense. I sometimes want to shake my fist at Norman Rockwell, at all those happy holiday teevee shows and movies about "togetherness" and "family" and all - cause it's just not universal.

Eh, just wanted to rant. I am so grateful for so many reasons, really, that the holiday season is almost over for this year.

Withy, thinking of you, and others.

[sarge43]

57. Been there many times.

No matter how you feel about Christmas, it sucks to be alone during the holidays.

:hug:

[CBHagman]

58. It is a challenge for introverts...

...and on top of that there's there popular view of (Pick one or more) holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, other special days as being magical times. But usually the magic just comes through a moment and a memory.

So the resolve to be more proactive is an excellent idea, and also to be kind to yourself. If I say anything further it will all sound too pat, so I'll just add that you need something you want to do, whether that's traveling or arranging a meet-up with a like-minded friend or creating new traditions for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

A safe, happy holiday and a healthy, happy new year to you. :hi:

[thirtiesgirl]

59. well said.

From another introvert.

[tigereye]

60. hugs to you - your posts are always delightful

:hug: :hi:


We would ask you if you lived our way - we often have single friends or friends from out of town over- the more the merrier.

[Skittles]

63. alone, haven't even spoken to anyone today

I don't really care though

[MiddleFingerMom]

65. I believe you...

.
.
.
.
.
...but here's a gentle noogie and a :hug: anyway.
.
.
.
.
.

[Curmudgeoness]

64. I have lived through this many times. It seems as if everyone else

has so much to do, and places to go. And there you are alone. I had moved a thousand miles from home and this is the worst of the worst time. I learned to cope with it one year by inviting a few coworkers who were also far from family over for dinner even though I figured that they would have other plans. They didn't, and were grateful to have a place to go. I was grateful to have the diversion. And we all enjoyed ourselves. From then on, Thanksgiving and Christmas both became times for all the lonely hearts to gather at my house. Sometimes we just have to take a small step and move outside our comfort zones. And let me tell you, this was totally outside my comfort zone the first year.

[Honeycombe8]

69. You are so right. I mentioned in my post this aspect...that others feel the same way...

but would never admit it. That everyone else in the world isn't having a Hallmark Christmas, except for YOU.

[Curmudgeoness]

71. Propaganda or marketing or whatever we can blame.

Their may be more people than any of us know who are not happy during the holidays. When I think of the numbers of people who have no family, or no homes, or no money, I realize this is a hard time for many. I've seen both sides.

[MiddleFingerMom]

66. Long, long ago... in a galaxy far far away... I had come to the end of my life.

.
I was in a dark... such a deep dark solitary existence that it
was a daily -- often ALL-DAY struggle to continue that existence.
.
Circumstances don't matter. I was there.
.
I stumbled almost unwittingly into an opportunity to do something
for someone else. A little thing. Things were the tiniest bit less
dark.
.
I found something else to do for someone else. A little less dark.
.
I volunteered my time to help others. Some light.
.
I FOCUSED on doing other things -- some public, some private,
some anonymous and unknowing of the results.
.
.
.
.
.
This giving got me out of MYSELF... and I unfucking-doubtedly ended
up being the most rewarded beneficiary of my actions.
.
.
.
Has me convinced... that when most of us are low... the best thing we can
do is move away from the introspective and the egocentric -- and reach out,
not necessarily TO others... but FOR others.
.
.
.
Start with something small. Do something else. Look for a need somewhere
(there is PLENTY of need out there).
.
.
YOU HAVE A PURPOSE!!!
.
.
There is not only need, but a need for you.
.
.
.
Most communities have volunteer awareness numbers or websites or centers
that can direct you to where what you have to give can be put to use.
.
.
.
Get out of yourself. Get into others.
.
.
.
Betcha (SURPRISE!!!!!) there'll come a time when your darkness is but a
distant barely-remembered/felt memory.
.
.
.
.
.
By the way, I don't like to brag or nothin'... but I have a SPECIAL purpose.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Exactly like Steve Martin in "The Jerk".
.
.
.

[Honeycombe8]

68. These are wise words. This was what I was trying to say in my post, but you said it so much

better, and more directly.

Feeling depressed (and we have all been there, haven't we?) can be helped by turning our attentions to thinking of others instead of so much of ourselves. It's important to reach out to others, help others...whether it's family, friends, non-profit organizations...whatever. (I'm not talking about clinical depression, of course, which is something else.)

I also tried to assure her that not everyone in the world is having a Hallmark Christmas, like she is thinking. Other people's lives are no rosier than hers or mine or yours.

I also mentioned that it's important to have interests that a person looks forward to doing. Whether it's gardening, exercising, reading, bicycling, pets....a holiday is a nice, long, period of time to spend time doing that without the pressure of the clock. Many people would LOVE to have that much time to spend doing what they want, instead of having to pack the kids up for an hour long trip to the critical in-laws for a stressful Christmas day, and then the drive back with tired, whiny, kids.

It's partly attitude. How you look at a situation. The same situation could apply to two different people, but they react to it totally differently because of their attitude toward it.

But you were so right. It's important to stop focusing inward so much, and focus on others.

[Honeycombe8]

67. Withywindle...you are in my thoughts!

I'm in my 50's, single, no children. I have one parent alive, hundreds of miles away. Some siblings, hundreds of miles away. I know how you feel.

Christmas can be a lonely time. Everyone else seems to have loved ones, family, children. I'm in stores buying gifts for nieces I'll never know, and I see the happy families, the smiles, the closeness. The things I don't have. It can be a lonely time.

But maybe you can do what I try to do: focus on what I DO have...I'm healthy, have a good job, I don't have an unhappy marriage, not going through a divorce (again---that was horrible), I have some friends, a house, pets I love, lots of interests. All in all, I have a good life. I may not have everything I thought I'd have. But in some ways, I have more.

Years ago, I was feeling the way you are. I decided to change things. It may not be the same way for you, but the changes I made changed my experience at holidays.

I work long, hard hours. I started to look forward to my holidays as a chance to do what I want to do but don't have time or energy for at other times (home projects, shopping before and after Christmas, playing with pets, computer games, old movies...whatever I want). I decided to focus on what I WANT to do for my holidays, rather than let them just happen to me. Once I started doing that, I started really enjoying my private time. It's my SPECIAL TIME to chill, reflect, and do some things I enjoy and that I don't have time for at other times. I love it now.

What I do, first and foremost, is...I cook a holiday dinner. Just for me. And it's just the things I want. I don't do much for side dishes, because I don't care for them. I cook mainly the traditional turkey (a WHOLE turkey, just for me!). And I get my favorite parts! Then I make dishes with the leftovers, and have healthy, low calorie meals for a week! I'm worth a holiday dinner! Plus, just the smell of the turkey cooking adds a holiday atmosphere.

I also started buying myself a Christmas present. And it's always just what I wanted!

I sometimes get my doggies small items from Santa Claus. I get a kick out of playing with my playful dogs on holidays. They're excited I'm home. I'm excited they're excited.

If you get my drift...it's all in how you look at it. Look at the positive aspects of it. I had a horrible marriage. Do you think you'd have had a better day if you had a spouse around who gave you a hard time, or you didn't get along with? Or who had an awful, difficult family you had to spend time with? Other people's lives often look better from the outside looking in; they're often not as happy as you think they are.

You can develop some traditions with single friends. I have on occasion had someone ask me over for a holiday meal...another single friend, or a married friend, or whatever. I decline, because I want my special day alone. But you could develop that sort of thing with others. I assure you that there are other people that you know who feel the same way you do, but they'll never admit it.

Then there's volunteer time with needy charities. If there's anything to take my mind off my worries, it's focusing on someone else's problems. You could help out at a non-profit organization...serving a Christmas meal, working with Toys for Tots. Things like that. My company buys gifts for angel children from a local school. I'm one of the ones who shops for one child (the bosses give the $; the staff do the shopping and wrapping). These children get some toys, but mainly we're supposed to buy them school outfits, shoes, a coat and gloves, etc. Some of those families don't even have blankets.

You are still young. You may not think so, but you are. As old as you think you are, in 10 years you'll be 10 years older! (if you're lucky) There's time for you to meet someone and have the holidays you think others have. In the meantime, I really do think a lot of it is how you look at it. If you focus on what you DO have, and focus on what you WANT to do, you may start looking forward to these special days.

Do you want to take a trip? Take one. Do you want to be with people? There are a lot of organizations that need and want your help. Or there are friends out there who would love your company on Christmas. Have you been putting off exercising? Now's the time to get some exercise in...and you can actually lose a couple of pounds, while others gain weight over Christmas! Yay! Whatever your particular interests are, here's your opportunity to do it.

You said you didn't get any calls today. But you can call others. You maybe wouldn't want to call during the day, when people are cooking or whatever. But you could call Christmas night (I may call a friend tonight & wish her Merry Christmas.) And tomorrow...I hit the after-Christmas sales!

Good luck. You are in my thoughts. Remember...everyone else in the world is not having those Hallmark card Christmases you think they are. Let us know how you're doing. I really do care (and I relate).

[RandomThoughts]

73. Peace and comfort to you, and much love.

:hug: :loveya:

[Forkboy]

74. I didn't spend the day alone, but I spend most holidays that way.

Yesterday was rare. My mother died this summer, and my sister is still struggling with it. They lived in the same house (separate apartments) so they were together every holiday. My sister was kind of lost this year, so a get together with my father was called for.

I'm sorry you spent the day alone. I can honestly relate to the loneliness, even when it's not a holiday. 80% of the time I have no problems being alone, but that other 20% of the time is brutal. This is a tough time of year for many.

[JCMach1]

75. Cheer up! It could be worse... I at least have my wife and kids here, but we are 1000's of miles

away from the US every year. Each year we try to do something cool to make-up for the fact that extended family are not around.

In fact, that would be my suggestions... do some special things for yourself that is outside the norm (i.e. not necessarily even related to XMas).

This year ended up sucking. After a Christmas even Barbecue, I did not feel good at all. By the time I woke-up in the morning of the 25th, I was full-blown sick. My wife had also come down with something. We ended up doing nothing. Today, the 26th, I get the call from my mom that you always dread. Dad is going in for emergency surgery on an aneurysm. So yeah, has to rank as one of the worst Xmases ever.

Dad is doing ok after surgery and so far am postponing any emergency trip home.