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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:36 PM
Original message
Tell me a joke.
I've had the one of the most blah terrible days of all time (Nothing bad happened. I just had a coincidental series of reminders of some of the worst moments of my life in rapid succession.) and I simply need a laugh. Hell, It's been a bad year and we all need a laugh. It prolongs life and raise self-esteem.

So...my fellow Loungers, let's get funny!
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LeftyFingerPop Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:38 PM
Response to Original message
1. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Orange
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:40 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. That gets 2 ROFLs.
:rofl: :rofl:

(I'm an art nerd.)
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Inchworm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 09:44 PM
Response to Reply #1
33. I don't get it
:(
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Tuesday Afternoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 09:48 AM
Response to Reply #33
45. heh
:hug:
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jobycom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:39 PM
Response to Original message
2. President Bush was having his daily intelligence briefing...
Have you heard that one?
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:41 PM
Response to Reply #2
5. It's okay. The setup gets me everytime.
Edited on Wed Sep-08-10 05:44 PM by Chan790
Bush having an "intelligence" meeting is like Einstein lecturing to a cardboard box. :rofl: :D
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jobycom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:48 PM
Response to Reply #5
8. Yeah, I see what you mean. The opening is a joke in itself.
:rofl:
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rurallib Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:33 PM
Response to Reply #2
22. Bush had intelligent briefs? Did he always put them on backwards?
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JTG of the PRB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:40 PM
Response to Original message
4. A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar...
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:42 PM
Response to Reply #4
6. 1 1/2 ROFLs
Edited on Wed Sep-08-10 05:44 PM by Chan790
:rofl: :D

No, it gets :rofl: :rofl: once I give the bartender an Irish accent in my head.
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SCantiGOP Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 01:27 PM
Response to Reply #4
51. Horse walks into a bar
Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
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LeftyFingerPop Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:46 PM
Response to Original message
7. Bob tells his friend Joe that he is raising bees as a new hobby.
Bob: Hey Joe, did I tell you that I am raising bees as a new hobby?

Joe: You are?

Bob: Yes, it is really easy!

Joe: Well, where do you keep the bees?

Bob goes to his closet and walks out with an old cigar box. The box is vibrating and buzzing because it has 10,000 bees in it. The wings are sticking out from under the box lid. bzzzzz....bzzzzzzz.....

Joe: Bob! You can't raise bees like that! They are very delicate! They need certain environmental conditions to survive!

Bob thinks for a moment and replies... "Fuck 'em".
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:48 PM
Response to Reply #7
9. That's so wrong.
(and I'm dying over here. You have a very random sense of humor.)

:rofl: :rofl: :D
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rug Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:15 PM
Response to Reply #7
19. What kind of bees give milk?
Boobees
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:57 PM
Response to Reply #19
24. Nice.
:rofl:
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HiFructosePronSyrup Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:49 PM
Response to Original message
10. ...
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:51 PM
Response to Reply #10
13. I don't even like bacon and that was great.
widdly scuds? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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jobycom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:49 PM
Response to Original message
11. How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You poke her face.
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:54 PM
Response to Reply #11
15. Did I ever mention the neighborhood I lived in in Yonkers is the same one she grew up in?
:rofl: :rofl:

(This was the best thread idea ever. I hope other people are as mirthful as I am over it.)
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valerief Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:49 PM
Response to Original message
12. Here's one
Two guys were sitting in an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The second person, who had just opened a book, closed it and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about we discuss Nuclear Power."

The other guy says, "Well, let me ask you a question first . A horse, a cow, and a deer are all eat the same thing, but the deer shits out pellets; the cow shits big patties; and the horse shits clumps of dried grass Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Then how can you expect to talk about Nuclear Power when you don't know shit."
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:56 PM
Response to Reply #12
16. That's a new one.
I love it and you could change "Nuclear Power" to just about anything by setting.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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BurtWorm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 09:41 AM
Response to Reply #12
42. Moved to #44
Edited on Thu Sep-09-10 09:44 AM by BurtWorm
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valerief Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:53 PM
Response to Original message
14. And some more, if you dare
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 05:57 PM
Response to Reply #14
17. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Oh, these are great too. :rofl:
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Capn Sunshine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:10 PM
Response to Original message
18. Two hunters are out in the woods ...
when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:58 PM
Response to Reply #18
25. I kind saw that one coming but I laughed anyways.
:rofl: :rofl:
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Rochester Donating Member (486 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:19 PM
Response to Original message
20. How do you define "gross mismanagement"?
Edited on Wed Sep-08-10 06:25 PM by Rochester
144 Republicans.
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:59 PM
Response to Reply #20
26. That one took a second to click.
then I :rofl:
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av8rdave Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:30 PM
Response to Original message
21. An 86 year old man goes in for his annual physical
He tells the Doctor he's never felt better. "in fact," he said, "I'm newly married to a beautiful 28 year old, and we're expecting our first child!"

The Doctor says, "Let me tell you about another patient of mine. Like you, he's in his mid 80s. A couple of months ago, he went deer hunting. He never realized that he accidentally took his umbrella instead of his gun. As he neared his deer blind, a huge grizzly bear emerged from the brush and charged him. The poor guy took careful aim with his umbrella. Suddenly, the bear stopped, fell to the ground and died."

"That's impossible!" said the old man. "Somebody else must have shot him from the side."

"My point exactly," replied the Doctor.

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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:59 PM
Response to Reply #21
27. So True.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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valerief Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 07:19 PM
Response to Reply #21
29. Bada bing!
:rofl:
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mikeytherat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:35 PM
Response to Original message
23. A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.
Edited on Wed Sep-08-10 06:41 PM by mikeytherat
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

mikey_the_rat
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 06:59 PM
Response to Reply #23
28. I'ma gonna use that one.
:rofl: :rofl:
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mikeytherat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 07:35 PM
Response to Original message
30. A man is celebrating his 90th birthday, when there is a knock at his door.
He opens the door to find a beautiful, voluptuous woman, sent by his friends as a gift. The woman tells the man,
"I'm here to give you super sex!" The man thinks for a few moments and replies, "Better just give me the soup."

mikey_the_rat
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 07:38 PM
Response to Reply #30
31. Hahaha!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

(I haven't laughed so hard in years as I have reading this thread.)
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Rochester Donating Member (486 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 09:33 PM
Response to Original message
32. Here's another one
A Democrat went sailing and his ship floundered and he found himself stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. There was a bottle on the island. He broke it and a genie came out. The genie said he could have three wishes, but there was a string attached. Whatever he wished for, all the Republicans would get whatever he wished for twice.
So, the Democrat said, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie gave him a million dollars, but all the Republicans got two million dollars.
Then he said, "I wish for a yacht so that I can sail back home." A yacht appeared just off the coast, but all the Republicans got two yachts.
As he climbed on board in preparation for the trip home, he made his third wish: "I want to donate one kidney."
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 09:50 PM
Response to Reply #32
34. Bwaahahahahahaha!!!!
That joke is great. It's going to be the hit of every party I attend here on out. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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Inchworm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 09:52 PM
Response to Reply #32
35. LoL
:rofl:

:thumbsup:
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TroglodyteScholar Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-08-10 10:13 PM
Response to Reply #32
36. Ah nice...
The version I heard was "okay, now I want you to beat me half to death."
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Frank Cannon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 07:44 AM
Response to Original message
37. A mailman is finally retiring after 45 years on the job. At his last house...
he is stunned to be greeted at the door by a beautiful young woman wearing only a see-through negligee. She gently takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs to the bedroom, undresses him, and begins to have wild sex with him while he remains simply speechless. Finally, after an exhausting round, she disappears downstairs and returns with a tray of the biggest, most delicious breakfast that the mailman has ever had.

While drinking his coffee, the mailman notices there is a crisp dollar bill tucked under the saucer. He can no longer remain silent. "What the hell is all this?" he asks.

"I told my husband that this was your last day on the job after 45 years and asked him what we should do for you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a buck.' The breakfast was my idea."
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 08:55 AM
Response to Reply #37
38. Love it.
:rofl: :rofl:

I'm laughing so much at these. I need to post these threads more often.
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HopeHoops Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 09:03 AM
Response to Original message
39. The big bad wolf is in bed and Red Riding hood approaches. "Grandma?"
"No, I'm the big bad wolf. This is the part where you suck my dick."

Red Riding hood looks angry. "No, this is the part where you EAT me. You can't just change the story like that!"

See? Fairy tales CAN have happy endings!

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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 09:19 AM
Response to Reply #39
40. OMG!
I can't stop laughing. That's a keeper. :rofl:
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HopeHoops Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 09:29 AM
Response to Reply #40
41. Actually, that's from the card I got for my wife's birthday (Saturday).
Edited on Thu Sep-09-10 09:29 AM by HopeHoops
Gee, wonder what WE'LL be doing!
:evilgrin:

On Edit:
I'll probably check in rather late on Sunday. :hi:
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motely36 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 09:42 AM
Response to Original message
43. Dr. Strange walks into a bar.
:rofl:
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racaulk Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 09:51 AM
Response to Reply #43
47. That doesn't NEED a punchline!
:rofl:
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BurtWorm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 09:42 AM
Response to Original message
44. After his wife dies, Lou sells the co-op and moves to Florida
He's lonely. Can't seem to make friends. One day, at the community pool, he sees a guy in the middle of a group, a real macher. Everyone's hanging on his every word. Lou strikes up the courage to ask him, "How do you that? How do you make so many friends? I want to be just like you and have people hanging on my every word."

The macher winks at his buddies. "You know what I did? I got myself a camel, and every day, I'd ride up and down Atlantic Avenue. Pretty soon, everyone knew who I was."

Lou thinks about this and says, "Ok. I'll try it. Thanks!"

That very day, he's looking through the classifieds and sees an ad: "Circus, looking to lighten its load, has animals for sale: lions, elephants, camels. Ask about our poodle special."

Wow, Lou thinks. What luck! So he rushes over to the circus, buys the last camel. Next day he's riding it up and down Atlantic Avenue, just like the macher told him. Now he's taking it everywhere--the doctor, the movies, the beach. One day, he parks the camel outside the pharmacy, goes in to drop off a prescription. When he comes out, the camel's gone.

Distraught, he calls the police. "I'd like to report a stolen camel."

"A stolen what?"

"Camel. Someone stole my camel."

"Can you describe this camel?" the officer asks. "What color was it?"

"I don't know. It was camel color."

"Any distinguishing characteristics?"

"Big nose. A hump. Big ears... I don't know."

"Was it a boy or a girl camel?"

Lou thinks for a minute. "It was a boy camel. Definitely a boy camel."

"You don't know what color it is or what distinguishing characteristics it has, but you know it's a boy?"

"Definitely a boy."

"How do you know?"

"Cause more than once, when I was riding it on Atlantic Avenue, I saw people point and say, 'Get a load of the schmuck on that camel!'"
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 09:49 AM
Response to Reply #44
46. That's a good one.
:rofl:
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racaulk Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 10:55 AM
Response to Original message
48. Three nuns die in a car accident, and they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says to the three of them, "Obviously, you three women have lived a life of charity and service to God, and are welcome in the kingdom of Heaven. However, before you enter the gates, I will ask each of you one question as a final test of your Biblical knowledge. Answer correctly, and you shall enter."

St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on Earth?"

The first nun replies, "Gee, that's an easy one! The first man on Earth was Adam."

Bells start ringing, lights start flashing, the gates open, and the first nun enters the kingdom of Heaven.

St. Peter then asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

The second nun replies, "Gee, that's an easy one! The first woman on Earth was Eve."

Bells start ringing, lights start flashing, the gates open, and the second nun enters the kingdom of Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter asks the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

The third nun does not know the answer to this question, but she racks her brain trying to come up with the correct answer. Ultimately she gives up and replies, "Gee, that's a hard one!"

Bells start ringing, lights start flashing...
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 11:19 AM
Response to Reply #48
49. LOL. I've actually heard that one before though.
From the spiritual-adviser and moderator of my college fraternity, a friar named Nick. Nick always had filthy religious jokes. My favorite goes like this:

So Karol Wojtyla (Pope JP II) dies and because he's led a good life he goes to Heaven. Saint Peter says "You can do whatever you'd like. What would you like to do first, you've all of eternity." Karol responds "Well, I'd really like to read every word of divine inspiration God has ever spoken to Man."

"Sure, just go into the library and speak to the angel there. He'll set you up with the right book." So the pope goes and he starts reading, late late into the night. And he's happy. The next day he does the same thing, reading late into the night. The fortieth day, he comes storming out of the library at Noon. He storms right over to the gospelists and kicks them all in the shins. *bing bang bong boom!* then he marches up to Saint Paul and he slaps him across the face *wappow!*, before storming over the cloudbank onto the next cloud.

So the 4 gospelists and Saints Peter and Paul look at each other "What in tarnation just happened?"

Over the cloudbank they hear John Paul bellow "He said 'celebrate!' not "celibate' you illiterate ignorant idiots!"
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racaulk Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 11:44 AM
Response to Reply #49
50. ROFL!
:rofl:

That's a new one on me! I love filthy religious jokes! :hi:
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hippywife Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-09-10 08:50 PM
Response to Original message
52. Really good thread!
I've only heard a very small amount of these, which is unusual. :hi:
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