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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 11:33 AM
Original message
Am I being overly loyal to my SO?
Okay, before I go on I'm not trying to say I'm some great dude, or that I'm some realyl hot dude.

Anyway, tonight at the pub one of the waitresses/patrons/my drinking buddy walked up to me and said, "That girl over there wants you to sit down and talk to her, she wants to talk to an English guy."

I looked over and this roughly 25-year-old girl sitting there kind of waved and such, and she was pretty cute too. I just said to my friend, "Tell her that's a sweet offer, but I have a girlfriend." My friend said, "Oh come on she just wants to speak some English!" I just said, "Okay, but I don't think I'd like it if Hong went around talking one on one to strange men in bars that invited them to sit down for a drink."

So, my friend busted my chops a bit and another female friend of mine told me there was no harm in just sitting down. But, again, I know how my GF gets. She's not rabid jealous or anything, but she can be jealous. And I've seen her look a little threatened at parties or the pub when I've spoken to girls she doesn't know even with her there. (PS, Chinese women are just wired that way, they are protective of their men.)

Part of me thinks maybe I was being a little too strict with myself, the other part thinks, "I didn't meet this girl at a table with a bunch of people or anything like that, what kind of message does it send when I just sit down and grab a drink like that?"

I love meeting people and have no problems talking to a strange women if we shared a laugh after smashing into each other in the pub by accident or something, but "come sit down" seemed over the line. I felt bad too and hope the girl wasn't insulted.

Am I being too adamant about this?
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rug Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 11:47 AM
Response to Original message
1. Hong is going to kick your ass.
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 11:53 AM
Response to Reply #1
3. One time when we were on vacation
In Vietnam we were in a small place in the countryside. The menu was all in vietnamese. The waiter spoke no English so we were screwed. The ONLY other patron in the place turned out to be a girl from California with vietnamese parents, so she helped us order. She said she was in Vietnam with her dad for his first trip home in decades and was going to go up to China, I told her I lived in Beijing and if she wanted I knew a great tour guide who was cheap and spoke English. So we exchanged emails.

An hour later Hong says, "Did you think that girl was good looking?" (She WAS BTW). IN my "deer in headlights" mode I said, "well, she was an attractive woman, yes. Why?"

Hong said, "Well, maybe when you go back to Beijing you will date her too." Then she luckily chuckled at herself and said, "sorry, I get jealous."

I knew right then to tread lightly if I wanted to keep my balls. She's only 5'1 but grew up really poor and could likely kill me as if I were a chicken in her village.
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 04:04 PM
Response to Reply #3
28. "kill me as if I were a chicken in her village"
there's a subhead right there, or a mystery tagline...


:D
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GCP Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 11:48 AM
Response to Original message
2. Couldn't you have gone over with a friend?
If there were three of you at the table I don't think there's a problem. :shrug:
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 11:54 AM
Response to Reply #2
4. I suppose, but all I was thinking was "Not a good idea to talk to this girl"
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WinkyDink Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 06:42 PM
Response to Reply #4
32. You were correct. The young woman was flirting. Listen to Gene Pitney's "24 Hours from Tulsa"!
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MiddleFingerMom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 12:00 PM
Response to Original message
5. I think, that for all sorts of justifiable and reasonable reasons...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...that I won't go into (most of them are pretty obvious) what you did
was both honorable and admirable.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Refreshing in this age of rationalizations and compromises regarding
our commitments.
.
.
.
.
.
Your SO may never know just HOW fortunate she is to have you, but it's
important that YOU do.
.
.
.
.
.
:toast:
.
.
.
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 12:03 PM
Response to Reply #5
6. Oh, I remind her all the time about that last one
Edited on Wed Sep-01-10 12:04 PM by HEyHEY
kidding ;)

I look at it as I have all the trust in the world in her, so she should have it in me. It's just easier that way (as was said in barfly). Hong can do whatever she wants and I never have any naggin worry. I think mainly cause she made me go on five dates before letting me even kiss her.
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MiddleFingerMom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 12:27 PM
Response to Reply #6
7. "Barfly" was about Charles Bukowski -- one of my favorite poets.
.
.
.
.
.
When I was in college, my poetry professor told me seriously that if and when
Bukowski died, I stood a good chance of inheriting his title of "Dirty Old Man
of Poetry".
.
He died awhile back and it just didn't happen, but I STILL consider that one
of the highest compliments about my poetry ever (considering the caliber or
the poet and the caliber of the professor).
.
.
.
I once was the featured poet at a big annual poetry event on campus. I opened
by shuffling papers for a long LONG time and, in my most pompous poetvoice said,
"THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET.
.
Nervous laughter from the crowd, and I shuffled my papers again, looked up, and
said, "Sorry... wrong poem."
.
.
The Dean of Arts & Sciences was in the crowd and he raised his hand and shouted,
"I KNOW THAT ONE!!!"
.
.
.
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Old Troop Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 04:16 PM
Response to Original message
8. Couldn't you have just disabled her?
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kimi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 04:38 PM
Response to Original message
9. No, not overly loyal at all
Edited on Wed Sep-01-10 04:38 PM by kimi
You're a very nice guy and yes, your SO is a fortunate woman.
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crim son Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 07:07 PM
Response to Original message
10. You went with your gut and I think you did right.
Sometimes I want to talk to someone who speaks German, and it isn't because he's German. :P
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seabeyond Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 07:10 PM
Response to Original message
11. there are things i reframe from, or do cause they are important to hubby. and they are not
especially important to me.

he feels loved

i am rewarded, always

and vice versa
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RandomThoughts Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 07:13 PM
Response to Original message
12. I do not believe in loyalty
But do respect those that give what they have.

Note that does not excuse those that do not.



Loyalty is an excuse used to get you to serve something against you. Since the only time loyalty is needed is when you do for someone else against what is what you think or feel is best.


Loyalty is a from of imprisonment, and why it is part of many systems.


I don't expect loyalty, nor give it. Each action and comment has its own credibility.


However... they will pay.
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Moondog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 07:13 PM
Response to Original message
13. People
make choices.

Choices have consequences.

Time to choose ....
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applegrove Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-01-10 07:30 PM
Response to Original message
14. You did a good thing.
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SwampG8r Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 12:06 AM
Response to Original message
15. lemmee see
you could have and most likely would have had no problem come of it
but
out of respect for her feelings (i dont think you are really physically afraid of her)you chose not to
i think you should get bonus points
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Tuesday Afternoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 12:13 AM
Original message
you know what they say....
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

or

Do it to others before they do it to you.

your choice.
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 12:13 AM
Response to Original message
16. Did you have anything to gain by talking to her?
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 06:04 AM
Response to Reply #16
23. A free and fast vasectomy courtesy of Hong's foot?
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jobycom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 12:27 AM
Response to Original message
17. Okay, I'm not going to kiss your ass like everyone else here is doing.
Well, okay, except to say you did the right thing if you felt your SO would feel uncomfortable about it. :thumbsup:

But a couple things come to mind. First, you insulted someone else who was making an honest request. She wasn't your top priority, but still maybe you could have found a better way to blow her off. Or maybe better, you could have asked a couple of friends to accompany you, spent a few minutes with her--positioning yourself where there could be no misinterpretation, of course--then politely said you were waiting on someone and needed to get back to the bar. Seriously, the way you did it, she's now thinking "I just wanted to talk to that old geezer and he thought I was hitting on him! Men! That's the last time I ever assume I can talk to a man as just a friend!" It spread a little more cynicism in the world, and that's never a good thing. Then again, it might be better than having your own skull spread with a meat cleaver if your SO had gotten the wrong impression...

One other thing, probably the main thing, that struck me: Why would you have a problem with your SO talking to strange men in bars? I can think of a few wrong reasons. First, you've been burned before and find it hard to trust anyone (haven't we all). Second, you have some reason not to trust her. Third, it's projection, so you are afraid she shouldn't trust you therefore you worry about her. Fourth, you've fallen for a few societal stereotypes about women talking to men, perhaps indicating a slight sense of entitlement or possessiveness. Probably some I haven't thought of. I'm not saying any of those are really bad, as long as they don't indicate an irrational trend affecting every aspect of your relationship, just that in general if someone is your SO you should trust them, and if you have some hesitation on that, it might be a good idea to figure out why and see if you can dispel that reaction, just for your own peace of mind (especially if it's based on past mistrusts, because no one likes past problems to affect current relationships). Or not, it's not a big deal--a lot of men get jealous like that--it's just something that struck me, and I'm trying to avoid working tonight, so I'm rambling away on DU.
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 06:11 AM
Response to Reply #17
24. I'm actually not the jealous type
I honestly don't give a toot if Hong goes out and has dinner with a guy friend or something. But, if she was in a bar alone and some guy just said, "Hey may I buy you a drink?" and she accepted, I would be a bit hurt if I found out. I trust her quite a bit, especially since she never let me lay a finger on her till the fifth date, but it's just the lack of consideration I guess.

Meeting people at a party, or together with friends is one thing, but actively accepting a drink from a stranger in pub? I don't know, doesn't sit right.
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 04:09 PM
Response to Reply #24
29. is it a different cultural thing in China to sit down in a bar with someone?
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-03-10 12:52 AM
Response to Reply #29
36. For starters, she's had to get used to the fact I have female friends
Which was hard for her at first. But, I think anywhere when a member of the opposite sex asks a waiter to invite someone to their table from across the room there's a general opinion it's not strictly for academic reasons.
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-03-10 02:50 PM
Response to Reply #36
39. hmm, that sounds more cultural!
Edited on Fri Sep-03-10 02:51 PM by tigereye
intriguing. I'm typically not a jealous person - particularly after being married for a million years, but for some reason I recently found myself jealous of females my husband was encountering in his creative/spiritual life. I had to do some hard thinking about why. I really think that either partner's creative freedom and growth typically enhances the relationship, instead of limits or threatens it.

That was kind of an eye opener. :D
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XemaSab Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 12:33 AM
Response to Original message
18. I think you did the right thing
If you're in a major city, I can't imagine that this chick would be SO desperate to find someone to practice English with that she would be hitting up strange men at bars. She had some ulterior motive, and I don't think Hong would have liked whatever motive it was.
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lillypaddle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 01:30 AM
Response to Original message
19. No offense
but this doesn't sound exactly like a relationship based on trust & understanding. If you have to worry constantly what each other is thinking, and walk on egg shells, what fun is that? IMHO, the bond should be strong enough to get past these relatively simple issues. Good luck to you both.
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 06:13 AM
Response to Reply #19
25. I'm not worried, it's just a matter of protocol.
I'm only asking a question in that sense. I will say I'm not really a jealous guy, my GF is. But, again, that's more a cultural thing.
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 04:10 PM
Response to Reply #25
30. what's the cultural basis? Is that true of most Chinese women?


just curious.
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-03-10 12:50 AM
Response to Reply #30
35. Yes, they get jealous and protective. A Chinese friend of mine thinks it's actually genetic
She says that due to thousands of years of men having concubines and such, she believes the women are hardwired now to be protective. I believe it, Hong has, on numerous occasions, been overly protective but ackowledges she's being that way. But she can't help it.
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-03-10 02:48 PM
Response to Reply #35
38. interestingly, more partners for women might benefit them genetically..
maybe they are more hard-wired to be assertive! :rofl: I'm not sure that's protective...



The sociobiological aspects of this are quite interesting!
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Rhiannon12866 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 02:10 AM
Response to Original message
20. I think you did the right thing.
You did what felt right for you, and I probably would have reacted the same way. However, I do know that in China students really do want a chance to practice their English. When my Dad was there, a university student came up to him and started a conversation. This was quite a few years ago and this young guy was obviously excited to practice his English with an American. Then another student came up and joined in, and my Dad said the first guy got upset, said "this is my conversation!" LOL. But even if this girl just wanted to practice her English, it could have made things awkward for you... :hi:
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soleiri Donating Member (913 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 02:18 AM
Response to Original message
21. I would have talked to her
why not? if it got weird, then I'd leave.
I would expect my SO to trust me, as I would trust him or her.
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WinkyDink Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 06:43 PM
Response to Reply #21
33. Why? Do you always accede to the requests of strangers?
Edited on Thu Sep-02-10 06:44 PM by WinkyDink
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soleiri Donating Member (913 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 08:30 PM
Response to Reply #33
34. If they are innocuous requests
why not?

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Kaleva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 02:58 AM
Response to Original message
22. I think you did fine.
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WillParkinson Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 08:45 AM
Response to Original message
26. Way too loyal!
You could almost be man's best friend.

Just kidding. You were a perfect gentleman. You cared about the feelings of your much better half and that's rare. Kudos.
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 04:02 PM
Response to Original message
27. yeah, maybe a little- are you getting more "domesticated" in your old age?


No harm in talking to someone, right? You can tell I never go to bars anymore, eh?

:rofl: :hi:
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RandomThoughts Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 04:18 PM
Response to Reply #27
31. Good point.
Edited on Thu Sep-02-10 04:26 PM by RandomThoughts
I don't leave my house, since I have no money.

However that is not domesticated, although it could be a money prison by free will choices of many people that will pay, not by my choice.


Although domesticated has some assumptions. When ever I get a chance, I rip the leg or arms off of anyone in my way, and will untill they are no longer in my way.

Shaun of the Dead.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfDUv3ZjH2k


Or anyone else for that matter.


On a side note, unjust restrictions or actions without justice, as was the smearing and removal of financing only creates an enemy to those forces.

It is what I been saying all along, violence, injustice, and wrong acts only create more enemies, It is a downward spiral. I figure eventually the limbs and bodies will pile up high enough to climb out of craptasticistan, or not, doesn't really matter. They were in the wrong, and can not set where or what I should be or have, so while in the money pit, and the mountain tower, my situation will be corrected.

And going to have fun not doing any of that.

Don't believe me? Check what happened to people involved in the smears years ago.



Although I think it is better to be reasonable and nice, although people didn't seem to correct things when doing those things.

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Lil Missy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Sep-03-10 10:16 AM
Response to Original message
37. No. But maybe too self-absorbed.
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