Would you rather be with someone who loves you or someone you love?

[liberalhistorian]

Poll question: Would you rather be with someone who loves you or someone you love?

Dolo Amber's poll last night got me to thinking about this particular little dilemma, since I've known too many people in one or the other situation and I've experienced both myself.

It seems that too many people would rather be with someone where the feelings aren't mutual than be alone. As for me, I'd rather be alone than with someone for whom our feelings weren't mutual!

[liberalhistorian]

1. Oh, good,

at least no one thinks I'm a dingbat so far (knock on wood)!

[NightTrain]

2. Unfortunately, I've been in both situations.

And they both sucked, albeit for different reasons. As such, I'd much rather be alone than in either of those situations.

On the other hand, being alone for an extended period of time, as I have, also can suck big-time! But if my luck holds out, I won't be alone much longer. And neither will the creator of this poll! Right, Lisa? :loveya:

[liberalhistorian]

3. That's right, Dean!

:hi: :loveya:

BTW, GREAT show last night, babe! That's so neat being able to listen to it here 550 miles away thanks to the internet, and to be able to be on DU at the same time as well.

[NightTrain]

9. Yo, Lisa! If I want to call you tonight, what would be the best time?

n/t

[liberalhistorian]

18. I don't know, Dean, I'm so

damned depressed lately and sleeping so much that I don't know when I'll be in bed or awake.

[NightTrain]

19. Umm.... That's not really helpful.

For that matter, neither is allowing depression to keep you in bed for hours at a clip when you'd normally be up and about. I know this from having grown up with a manic-depressive mother.

Well, maybe I'll take a stab at calling you a bit later. What the hell, our conversations always seem to cheer you up! ;)

[flaminbats]

4. you're asking the wrong person!!

If I could be the man and woman...making love together at the same time, then you'll have the answer! :evilgrin:

[liberalhistorian]

5. LOL!

I suppose, in this day and age, I should have thought of that!

[VOX]

6. I've been on both sides of this teeter-totter, and it's not good!

I took fours years off from relationships at one point -- just needed the solitude, and it was the best thing I ever did.

I've been happily tucked into in a reciprocal relationship for 11 years now, and it was well worth the wait!

[liberalhistorian]

8. That's a very good point,

I think it's really important for people to have a prolonged period of being alone, to learn to depend on themselves emotionally, and to prove to themselves that they CAN be alone without the world falling apart, so that they'll be able to have a much healthier relationship when it does happen and they won't just jump into the first relationship that becomes available just because they don't want to be alone.

[nuxvomica]

7. Definitely, someone who loves me

I would love her back in response and try my darndest to keep her out of therapy. Or an optician's office.

[Nailzberg]

10. Pretending "neither" is not an option, I'll take someone who loves me.

It doesn't hurt as much when it's over.

Better to be newly single and looking than newly single and depressed like Mikey in Swingers, stinking up the joint because you don't leave your apartment and boring everyone talking about your ex.

[Triple H]

11. I'd rather be alone than be with somone who didn't feel the same about me.

[DS1]

12. Option 2, but it largely depends

on if you're still getting to know each other, or you're growing apart, for obvious reasons.

[VelmaD]

13. I'm not sure how to begin to answer this one...

I've been in the situation of being with someone who I thought I loved who didn't love me. It breaks my heart just thinking about him. I still see someone I had that situation with...and it still hurts to look at him sometimes.

I've never been on teh other side...with someone who loved me that I didn't feel the same way. So I don't know if that would be as bad.

[liberalhistorian]

17. I know exactly what you mean,

I've been in both situations, too. I'd rather be alone now than be with someone where the feelings weren't mutual on both sides.

[camero]

14. That is a tough one

I would go with #1 unless the woman was emotionally suffocating. Then it would be time to give the dating game a break. I've been on both ends also and found that while we can have a habit of looking at a person with rose colored glasses, we also have the tendency to see others as less than they really are because of our prejudices.

[Nikia]

15. I suppose that it depends on what you want

In many cases, having someone love you that you don't love in the same way doesn't have to be bad especially if the other choice is being alone. That also assumes that their love is more giving than demanding. It also assumes that you like this person in some ways, perhaps as a friend. It assumes that they are happy even if you cannot give them as much as they want.
If some of these things are not true or you want to date other people who you might be in love with, then that situation would be bad.
I think that the other situation is worse, but it can depend on the situation. Can you accept what the person has to offer, for example if you want to be their spouse but they just want to be friends? If you are happy just being in that persons life, it doesn't have to be bad. It is bad though if your love for that person is keeping you from finding someone who will love you back in the way that you want. It is obviously really bad if the person doesn't like you at all, is being pushed further away by your affections, or you cannot accept what they offer.

[JVS]

16. Being alone is the best situation!

[liberalhistorian]

20. Well, maybe sometimes,

but certainly not always!

[SOteric]

21. I actually enjoy those occassions when I get to be alone

and I can't say that I've ever felt some overwhelming desire to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone.

There are always times in a relationship when the emotional investment is uneven, but the general trend of affection in the relationship shouldn't be.

And if the affection isn't uneven, the communication has to be natural and free-flowing enought that both of you know that with a deep joyful certainty.

My father likes to say that love is like a grood business deal. In a good business deal, both negotiators think they've gotten the better end of the bargain.

I think there's some element of truth in that.

I'm a lucky woman. My life has been filled with really wonderful men who genuinely and deeply value me, and my time alone has been deeply treasured.

[liberalhistorian]

22. Well, people shouldn't be with

someone just because they don't want to be alone, that almost never works. People should be able to be alone and to actually be comfortable being alone before they'll be able to have a successful relationship.

The problem is that in this society, people automatically assume there's something wrong with you if you're single or alone, and culturally it's made very hard for us to be alone for any real length of time without feeling like an outcast.

[NightTrain]

23. I've been alone for quite some time, but...

...I've always felt like an outcast anyway. :shrug:

BTW, I've been trying to call you, but all I get is a *&!@#$^% busy signal! :grr:

[SOteric]

24. Odd.

I'm not getting that response to my life. I have a family full of interfering busybodies, but I don't tend to suffer any hardship or judgements in a solitary state. :shrug:

Then again, I keep my private affairs incredibly private. Maybe people would be more open to judging my life if I paraded it around for their perusal.

[Liberal Christian]

25. I'm one of those "ever singles"

At 49, I've not married, and I haven't been in longterm relationships. I have a really full life, lots of good friends, but somehow the romance thing hasn't worked for me.

I've been lucky. I've never felt judged by others as a loser. People may talk about me behind my back, but as long as they aren't mean to me to my face, there's not much I can do about their other insensitivity.

I've been in love with people who didn't return it. I've been loved by people when I didn't return it. Neither is a very comfortable place to be.

Life alone ain't so bad.

[ScreamingMeemie]

26. I voted neither. I believe in both of us being all in or nothing at all.

I have been hurt a few too many times and I need to be cherished as much as I cherish. And I cherish MrGrumpy! :hi:

[SarahB]

27. Neither

If I am ever to be in another serious relationship, I will never settle again for anything except fully reciprocal feelings.

[liberalhistorian]

28. That's good, because

no one should ever have to just "settle", although I'm afraid too many people do just that.