What's the point of divorcing somebody after 40 years?

[raccoon]

Unless you suddenly find out they've been unfaithful, they start drinking/drugging, etc.? In other words, unless something has suddenly taken a drastic change for the worse, what's the point?

[seabeyond]

1. i can see it. sometimes two grow apart.

would rather live alone or think there is the chance they might find someone else that takes care of, satisfies needs. i can see it happening without animosity. i think a lot of times people do it, then after wards think what the fuck.... was pretty good.

[dawg]

3. If you just "grow apart" ... that is a choice.

You can also choose to start growing back together. That is a choice as well.

When you marry, you do so for better or worse. If you're not up to that, then I say don't marry. The grass will always look greener on the other side, but it usually isn't.

In my case, the grass may really be greener in someone else's yard. I don't know.

I can see throwing away a girlfriend because we've grown apart. Never a wife.

[seabeyond]

4. see, again, you are right.

that is certainly the higher road.

[Xithras]

16. Sometimes life takes you in different directions.

My wife has wanted to move back to New York for the past 10 years, but I'm not going. We live in the part of California that we live in because it puts me in close proximity to resources I need for my career. She, on the other hand, has largely sunk her career with her decision to become a parent. She wants to go back to New York to take another shot at it (she develops educational materials for ESL students, and New York is sort of the "place to be" for that sort of thing).

She's already told me that she wants to move back to New York City when the kids eventually move out. I, born and raised in rural areas, would throw myself from the Brooklyn Bridge in a week. Most of my family is from Oregon, and I want to move back up to Portland. I'm also an avid hiker and traveler, and plan on spending a few years seeing the world on foot. My wife isn't the hostel type.

She is my best friend, but we've already discussed the fact that our careers and plans are pulling us in radically different directions. We've already discussed the fact that, in all likelihood, we'll probably divorce shortly after my youngest goes off to college. We will, at that point, have been together 29 or 30 years. We get along great, rarely fight, and have no real problems in our marriage, but we already lead very independent lives, and neither of us wants to see the other become miserable while we pursue our dreams and goals in life. At the same time, neither of us sees much point in remaining married if we're living at opposite ends of the country and only see each other a few times a year.

Divorce isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it's just a way to turn the page to the next phase of your life.

And, yes, before you ask...I am not looking forward to it, and am dreading the day. Despite everything I wrote above, she's still my best friend and the woman I love.

[seabeyond]

18. you kinda explained it really really well. nt

[dawg]

19. My perspective ...

And really, who am I to opine on relationships? My life is a total mess right now.

But I believe that if carreer, hobbies, location, etc. are more important to someone than their significant other, then they should never have been married in the first place. I know that society pushes people into marriage in order to be socially acceptable, have children, etc. But the relationship you describe, although great in many ways, does not sound like what I think of when I think of a marriage.

Everyone is different. But to me, it's a cold, cold world. I want someone to hold on to. I want someone to feel safe with, and I want her to feel safe with me. I can't imagine just walking away from something like that.

[Xithras]

26. In a way, it's still about love.

I want her to be happy. I love her, and hate the fact that she's been unhappy with her decision to give up her career. If her moving back to New York will bring her some self-satisfaction that her life is missing, I'm going to support her in that. I would, if she asked, actually move back there with her. I'd suffer, I'd hate it, but I'd put up with it for her. She'd never let me do that.

She knows full well that MY idea of a "perfect day" involves a drizzling mist and pine trees as far as the eye can see. I love the Pacific Northwest and miss it every day. New York is sort of the antithesis of my definition of "perfect". Because she loves me, she doesn't want me to come with her. As she once put it, "I don't wan't to come home every day to someone who wishes he were somewhere else". She knows me too well for me to fake it.

As for whether we should be married, I really have no complaints. I've known my wife since we were kids, and we get along great. Is it classic Romeo & Juliet "OMG I'm gonna die without you" love? No, but as I said, she's my best friend. In many ways, my feelings for her are incredibly similar to those I feel for my sisters (eww...we have 3 kids together, nevermind that comparison). I love her, and she's one of the most important parts of my life, but there's no storybook romance.

You may find that sad, but I don't. I'm married to my best friend. Whether or not we stay married, she will remain one of my closest friends until the day one of us dies. How many people stuck in shitty rotten marriages would give their left foot to be able to say that? It may not be a fairytale, but we're happy, and that's what's really important.

But, as I said, we have a while until we cross this particular bridge. Who knows where we'll be in 10 years...we may end up finding a third option that we both like and can agree on. I would happily remain married to her until we're both old and withered, and never regret a minute of it. My only requirement is that we both be happy about it.

[hippywife]

37. Is NYC being THE place to do what she wants to get back into

career-wise the only reason she want to move there?

While the two of you are waiting for the day, couldn't something else be figured out, like telecommuting or starting her own company?

With all you have going for you, I would hate to see it come to divorce just because of inconvenience about where to live and work.

:hug:

[tigereye]

63. very nice- sounds like a great and healthy relationship and explains why

the Gores might have decided to split, too!

[Missy Vixen]

33. Not so much a "choice"

Before my husband got laid off from his job a year and a half ago, he was traveling 70-90% of the time. This was never discussed before we got married, and it proved to almost be the death of our marriage. When he was home, he was cranky, exhausted, and not much fun to be around. I also made plans without him -- after all, he wasn't there, and I wasn't going to sit in the house and wait for him to come home.

It took several months of counseling and a lot of talking to get to know each other again.

>When you marry, you do so for better or worse. If you're not up to that, then I say don't marry.<

I say that nobody knows what marriage is like until they're in one. I also say that those in the marriage get to determine whether they'd like to go forward or part. It's not a moral failing. It's whatever you can live with. If one's spouse is gone so often due to work or choice they're a virtual stranger in your house, maybe it's better to let them find their happiness elsewhere.

I am hoping that the couple in question spends some time apart, has a little time to think, and realizes that maybe, they're happiest together.

[dawg]

54. But it sounds like you made a choice ....

you chose to get counseling and to do lots of talking in order to get to know each other again. We all have circumstances, but couples choose to pull together or to pull apart. You could have just used your circumstances as an excuse to end the relationship, but you chose not to take that route. That is what I am talking about.

[Missy Vixen]

60. Let's put it this way

We're almost twenty years younger than the Gores. Our financial situation didn't lend itself to a costly divorce proceeding, either. According to the informal poll amongst my girlfriends, there are several who stuck with their marriage when they wanted out, due to a variety of reasons. The "choice to pull together or pull apart" is not as cut and dried as it looks, not in our marriage, and not in most people's marriages.

I used to know a woman who smugly told me that she would be married for the rest of her life, and divorce was not an option. Her solution for all marital problems is "you fell in love with me, you'd better fall in love with me again, because we're not divorcing". That's her choice. For anyone who's been through the "valley of the shadow of the death of their marriage", to quote another friend, it's not quite that easy. The woman who refuses to divorce has no compassion for anyone who's experiencing issues. Her views are black and white. So were mine: I needed to talk with a friend, got no support, and ended the friendship as a result.

I used to believe marriage was for life. I know there are people with rock-solid marriages, and good for them. There are also many people who love their spouse, stay married, but know that if circumstances were different, they'd walk away. I can't judge them.

The Gores almost lost their youngest son in a horrible accident. They dealt with Tipper's depression. I can't imagine the toll the 2000 election took on them and their family, and it's most likely still reverberating. I'm stunned at their decision to separate, but the traveling and absences may have just been the last straw in a long series of things that were intolerable for one or both to live with.

I still hope that maybe the separation will make them decide that they still love each other and they want to work it out, but maybe they wanted to part as friends and preserve whatever they still feel for each other. None of us have any idea what really happens in any marriage, IMHO.

[dawg]

61. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be completely black and white about this ...

I know there are situations that just can't be worked through. And I also know that it takes both partners to be willing to make the choice to stay and try and work things out. It's just that I feel that too many people today treat their husbands and wives as being disposable - great when things are working good but an anchor when they are not.

I just threw in my comments because I believe in marriage, and that it can be, and should be, for life. I believe in forever after, even though that isn't looking very good for me right now. And I know it takes two people to commit to work things out, but they both should be willing to try.

It's just that the things that people treat as more important than their spouses really trouble me. I think that lots of people who walk away because they just aren't "happy" eventually come to realize that the single life isn't all that grand, either.

Again, I know there are situations when this is unavoidable. I just think that both spouses deserve the maximum effort and sacrifice from the other before throwing in the towel.

[dawg]

2. They shouldn't.

Unless some drastic change has taken place that can't be resolved, couples who have been together that long should try to work things out.

[cwydro]

5. Call me cynical,

but I am guessing there is a third party.

[Macoy]

6. Marriage Should be for Life

I totally agree. Marriage should be for life. And barring a major issue like violence or drug/alcohol addiction, couples should try to work out their problems with each other, and not think they can get a better deal down the road.

/soon to be divorced after nearly 30 years.

Macoy

[cwydro]

10. Very sorry to hear you are going through that...

Welcome to DU and :hug:

[TZ]

14. I completely disagree

My parents divorced when I was little. Not because of abuse or drinking..cheating had something to do with it. Me and my sisters and both my parents (whom are happily married to other people) are much better off than if we had stayed together. Sometimes "working it out" doesn't do anything. Believe me, we are all much better off.

[LibDemAlways]

8. There is the matter of the recent purchase of an 8 million dollar

house in California. Even by California's expense real estate standards, that's too big of a house for somebody to be rattling around in alone.

[cwydro]

9. Hmmmm.

You have a point there.

[Heidi]

7. Only the two people involved can know the point of divorcing

after any amount of time together. The rest of us are not entitled to know the reasoning behind other private citizens' personal decisions.

[Richardo]

45. This is the only possible, and therefore correct, answer.

The only people that ever know are the two in the marriage.

Right on, Heidi. :patriot: :hi: :pals:

[Bucky]

11. People don't die or lose the ability to be miserable at the age of 60

It's sad to see two people I admire not being able to make their marriage work. But you have to respect their intellectual honesty in facing this difficult change.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

12. ask my parents. They did it after 38 years of marriage and 3 adult children.

never did see the point of that one either.

[Captain Hilts]

20. The parents of a friend of mine did the same thing. But they weren't very good at being separated..

I don't know if they actually got divorced. They just stopped living together. I can't say's I blame either one of them for that. He probably snored loudly. They still see each other regularly.

Yeah, it's weird.

[TZ]

13. Whats the point of being married to be married?

If you don't love someone should you stay married for appearances? Thats not right. I'm not one of those people who thinks you should stay married just CAUSE. Life is too short to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable for the rest of your life. People change, lives change, people drift apart. Sometimes tragedies drive people apart (the death of a child has destroyed many a marriage). So someone wants to see the world. And someone wants to stay home to be married. Is being an invisible spouse better than a divorce?

[BurtWorm]

15. The point may be that you just don't want to be married to a person anymore.

[LisaM]

17. While they may get divorced, I thought they were just getting separated

In this case, it would not shock me to see them get back together eventually.

I think his travelling so much had a lot to do with it.

[PRETZEL]

22. They've been in the public eye for decades,

travelling is part of the job.

I don't think it's as much as the travel but as dropkickpa mentions below sometimes as people go through life things change.

It's not always a bad thing either. My ex and I divorced after close to 20 years gotether. Neither one of us cheated, was abusive to each other or any of the other "triggers" that many couples go through. We both reached points in our lives where what we wanted out of life was not the same as it had been 20 years before.

[dropkickpa]

21. I honestly think my parents should get divorced (41 years)

My mom wouldn't benefit (she's an unhappy, miserable person most of the time and has been for 15-20 years, don't think anyone would want any part of that), but my dad would have the chance to find someone who shares his interests and appreciates him and possibly even loves as my mom does not anymore.

People grow up and apart and interests and activities change. The ability to realize that and amicably make a decision to separate before there's hate and resentment is a VERY grown up thing to do. The inability to acknowlege that people change as they age and their circumstances change is a very naive way to view the world.

[LisaM]

24. I agree with you

I just guess that the idea of Al and Tipper being together is important to me!!!

[wickerwoman]

36. Yep, your last sentence exactly.

Throw in illnesses common to old age that can make people completely unrecognizable and abusive. Should you, at 60, stay with an emotionally abusive person who refuses to seek treatment and is sucking the life out of you just because you made a promise when you were 25?

[old mark]

23. Would you be happier if she had just shot him? nt

[Bucky]

58. Well, that is a form of recycling.

heh.

[madmom]

25. When you have nothing in common any more what's the sense in staying married? My

hubby retired early, all he wants to do is set around the house. I, on the other hand want to do something, anything. We always talked of traveling, not so much now. I even told him I am not going to sit around and wait to die. I volunteer, go out with friends and have a good time, he has been invited on a number of times, always has an excuse. Then complains about being bored. Believe me, a little goes a loooong way. There just seems to be nothing there anymore.

[grasswire]

32. has he seen a doctor lately?

sounds like maybe he's depressed, or grieving for his work life. That does happen.

[madmom]

35. He won't go. He tells everyone, "I have insurance so I can't afford it" Thanks for caring..

I have tried everything I can think of, I just hope one of these days he'll snap out of it. I think a lot of it has to do with living on retirement income compared to when he worked. Such a big change and he hasn't quite figured out how to live on a fixed income and gets upset when the money runs out before the month, especially when he knows it's mostly because of his bad habits (he likes his beer).Anyway like I said thanks for caring and life goes on.:hug:

[jobycom]

27. There are as many points as there are divorces.

Who knows what is going on there? Maybe they haven't really lived together for the last 20 years. Maybe they've been free to date for the last 20 years and one of them has just fallen in love or met the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with, and have decided to formalize it. Maybe one discovered the other is a serial killer. Maybe the toothpaste lid thingie finally made one snap.

Some people divorce for sordid, unseemly reasons in the present, some only stayed together as a noble sacrifice in the past and finally decided the time was right to end it. Some people are married only on paper and for tax reasons. Sometimes a couple separates and basically forgets they are married, and time slips away and they suddenly realize they've never bothered getting a divorce and figure it's time.

Who knows? Who cares? I can't even figure out my own life, why would I try to solve someone else's for them?

[CBGLuthier]

28. Personal Happiness and Fulfillment

One life each. Live it how you want.

[Gormy Cuss]

29. Distributing the assets now rather than later?

:hide:

[bigwillq]

30. So you should be forced to live with someone

you're not happy with??? :shrug:

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

31. Reminds me of the joke about the elderly couple who went to the divorce lawyer

and told him that they wanted to get a divorce. The lawyer, having determined that they were over 90, asked them why, after all these years, they wanted to split up. The wife responded, "We haven't gotten along for years, but wanted to wait to divorce until the children were dead."

[NNadir]

51. That's a good one.

[MrSlayer]

34. Sick of each other?

There can be many reasons.

[hippywife]

38. Lots of reasons.

As many as you can possibly name. If you're talking about the Gore's I can just imagine with both having their own pet issues they work on so hard, they probably stress the marriage by being apart so much. Maybe they feel guilty because they feel like they are holding each other back or becoming an obstacle to each others lives.

Who knows. :shrug:

Marriage is hard no matter how compatible or how much each person loves the other. You think in the beginning that it will never change. It does.

[chromotone]

39. After 22 years, my wife and I are calling it quits...

I don't really give a damn about the "shouldn't have married if you weren't right for it" comments from DUers on this thread. I thought I was "right for it"--not so.

I don't know yet when we're splitting up--we have to take care of some concerns now, i.e., debts, home repairs, etc., but I'll tell you right now, I'm looking forward to living the third (and probably final) chapter of my life alone.

In fact, I'm damned excited about it! :D

[Bucky]

57. Well, then, good for both of ya. But that said, I think you should give it another 18 years

you know, just to make sure it's the right decision. ;)

[chromotone]

64. I gave it another 18 years...

...four years into the marriage! ;);)

[Skittles]

40. because you're absolutely sick of them

[Love Bug]

41. Some people just get tired of fighting all the time.

[WCGreen]

42. I think he wants some strange...

Seriously, they were talking on MSNBC yesterday and one of the guys said since the 2000 election, they haven't had the goal of going for the presidency which was a huge part of their married life.

After 2004 when it became apparant that there was no White House for them, they drifted apart.

It happens a lot when the kids grow up and move away. That tie that binds is suddendly not there...

[david13]

43. I agree. Why? after 40 years? But I guess they argued and just

didn't have a pleasant relationship, and are not sophisticated, intelligent, or flexible enough, whatever it takes, to be pleasant with each other.
So.
dc

[MajorChode]

44. You hate their guts after 1 year, but it takes you 39 to do something about it

I had a friend that divorced after 14 years of marriage and I asked him a similar question. He said he knew the marriage was doomed after the first year but it took them that long to do something about it. I'm constantly amazed at how long people will live in misery simply because they are afraid of change, but it does happen every day in marriage and a lot of other situations.

[Zavulon]

46. A better question:

Regardless of how long you've been married, what's the point in staying together if you're not happy? What, once a couple's marriage hits a certain point they should just ride out whatever misery there is because YOU don't understand the point?

Seriously, I can't believe you asked what you asked. "Mr. and Mrs. Gore, Raccoon from DU wants to know what's the point of your divorce." Holy crap.

[applegrove]

47. If you think you would be happier in a newer relationship I could see it. Apparently they had

been through marriage counselling years ago. Sometimes something is not worth fixing. He's quiet. She's an extrovert. I can see both types of people getting tired of the other.

[Blue-Jay]

48. I understand your confusion,

but ultimately it really nobody's fucking business. Inserting yourself into the life of a stranger is distasteful.

[raccoon]

53. They are public figures. People speculate all the time about the lives of public figures.

How many people here speculated about Bush's drinking while he was in office?

And why shouldn't they, he's a public figures.

[cherokeeprogressive]

49. Every day you put your happiness on the back burner is a day you won't get back.

We pass this way but once. Would that we find whatever happiness we can while we're here.

[nickinSTL]

50. interesting to see how many people are insisting

that marriage is for life, regardless of how miserable the people involved might be.

I wonder how many of them have been married.

My wife and I get along very well. She's my best friend, and we don't argue much, and have never had anything one could really consider a fight - we've been together about 10 years (married for 3 1/2).

If she decided that being with someone else or just not being with me was what was right for her, I'd accept that and let her move on. If we could no longer both be happy together, I don't see a point for us to be together.

Not to say I'd be thrilled with it, and even if it were her choice, I doubt she would be, either.

[southerncrone]

52. Sometimes you just get tired of 'em.

After forty years, your lookin' at 60+ & life seems short to do the things YOU really want to do in an untethered fashion.....especially if your spouse has no interest in doing those things, too, cuz they're too busy doing THEIR thing.

[dembotoz]

55. sometimes it takes that long to work up the guts to do it.

The straw the broke the camels back????

Hell
i live in a hay field.

If i had no hope for a better future i might as well end it now

[deutsey]

56. I don't believe marriage is for life

We all change throughout the course of our lives and sometimes people who were at one time very close can go in radically different directions over time.

I do believe that marriage shouldn't be entered into or ended for frivolous reasons, though. It should be a serious commitment that the individuals involved shouldn't rush into. Unless there is abuse or some unfixable dysfunction, I think couples shouldn't rush to end a marriage just because they've hit a dry spell or some difficulties.

From what I can see, the Gores aren't flippantly rushing to end their marriage. It seems like over the years they've just gone in different directions and they've realized the distance is growing too wide between them to work through.

But that's just, like, my opinion, man. :shrug:

[Bucky]

59. For the record, I would totally do Tipper

Shut up, Bucky. That's completely inappropriate.

[MilesColtrane]

62. I guess it depends on what exactly your marriage vows were, and whether you really meant them.

Maybe they didn't promise the whole for better or for worse until death thing.

[rcrush]

65. Because at 41 is when you go on the shooting spree.