Why do people visit cemeteries?

[Gidney N Cloyd]

My aging mom tried (mostly unsuccessfully) to lay a guilt trip on me last night. She and my dad used to make a regular memorial day trip to place flowers where his parents are buried about 60 miles away. Dad's been buried there himself for a couple years and my mom wanted me to go with her (plus my sister who lives nearby and my brother who's visiting) this weekend.

I don't want to visit graves for a variety of reasons ranging from my belief that, whatever might happen to your soul when you die, it's got nothing anymore to do with the body you leave behind; to my really not enjoying spending too much time with my family (I like 'em but I like 'em a lot better when they're not around). So I begged off.

My mom says "I'm just afraid when I die you kids won't know where we're buried." I told her I was pretty sure I could ask at the cemetery office. We dropped the subject. Mom gets around just fine and will have the company of my sibs so the trip will happen without me.

I'm not looking for absolution here. I'm fine with my decision. But I'm sure I'm in the minority so I'm curious-- those of you who visit graves of relatives: why do you do it?

[ChoralScholar]

1. I'm not sure, but I know that it's not for anyone but me...

meaning - I don't go for anyone elses benefit, or because my deceased mother will 'know' I've visited her...

I go because it's something I want to do...

[skygazer]

2. For me, it's a way of reinforcing the idea that they aren't forgotten

That I can take time out of my life to focus exclusively on people who are no longer there. I can reflect on my time with them, think about what they meant to me, good times we had, whatever. Yes, I can (and do) do that in other places but visiting the cemetery clears out any extraneous distractions and allows me to ponder in peace. I like to remember lost friends.

Besides, I love cemeteries. I love the peace and quiet of them, I love looking at the headstone inscriptions (especially the very old ones). I could hang around a cemetery all day.

[MiddleFingerMom]

3. Exactly...

.
...I used to ride my bike to work and the halfway point was this
beautiful lush green cemetery (in the middle of Tucson desert).
.
It was a good resting point (the sprinklers misting the air and
cooling down an already oppressive heat at 7 AM). It was beautiful,
restful, and quiet.
.
It didn't make me think of death, but it WAS a good place to think...
to ponder with my mind relatively uncluttered.
.
There's a campground I used to go to near Bisbee that rents vintage
1940's Airstream-like trailers for the night with an old cemetery
nearby that catered to the copper miners. It was a cool place to
walk around and think of what their lives must have been like during
the different eras represented by the headstones.
.
It wouldn't hoit to tell your Mom that you don't NEED a cemetery
to visit her -- that she will always be right there with you in
your mind and in your heart. MiddleFingerMomMom is buried "somewhere"
back East. Doesn't MATTER where -- she is with me as I related in
the previous sentence.
.
That statement would be a simple kindness that would really cost
you nothing.
.
Kinder than "I could find it if I NEEDED to" to someone who may
understandably be more concerned about her death and/or legacy
than you may be.
.
Just a thought.
.

[LanternWaste]

4. A wonderful intersection of compassion, history and symbolism

For my part, it's a wonderful intersection of compassion, history and symbolism-- both within one's own circle, and also within the greater concept of man's quest for answers dealing with what happens afterward.

[skygazer]

5. By the way, this shouldn't be about you but about your mother

It's important to HER, she is by your description aging and she wants to know that someone will come to her grave when she's gone. Why not go along with her and ease her mind? Sometimes it's nice to do things for somebody else.

[jobycom]

6. To remember that they really were here, to connect their memory to my world.

I have no afterlife beliefs, and not much concern for dead bodies. Cemeteries are places to connect to your past, and to feel it still connects to you. My relatives are all buried in New Orleans, so I don't see their graves much, but I visit a grave here in Austin now and then. It was a man who became a hero of mine, and I got to work with him for a while, and when I visit his grave I can remember more how I felt around him, and how he motivated me. I can also see the size of his marker, and realize how many others felt that way about him, and that reminds me of the impact he had on the world, which is more of an inspiration for me to try to fight for the things he did, and stuff like that. I can remember him other places, of course, or just when writing about him, but the grave sort of pulls it into focus more.

This is such a part of so many cultures that it's clearly part of our human psyche somewhere. Most cultures have some way of honoring their dead, and most have some tradition of bringing some physical artifact of the dead into their living world. Relics, heirlooms, graves, crypts, memorials, historical sites of birth or death places for famous people... most cultures do this in some way or another. Many use several of those methods.

As for families visiting graves, or holidays like Memorial Day or All Saint's Day where people collectively visit graves, that's more about respect for the living. Not trying to say what you should or shouldn't do at all, but for many people they tag along with Mom and Dad to visit Grandma and Grandpa's grave out of respect for Mom and Dad, and their feelings and emotions on visiting the grave. It's a way to show respect for Mom's and Dad's feelings and their ideas of family and tradition even if you don't feel it (that's something I'm not good at, either, btw).

[Forkboy]

7. It's a relaxing place to smoke a joint.

[Call Me Wesley]

12. Especially,

if your father is buried next to Thomas and Katia Mann.

Okay, the joint part isn't true, but the rest is.

[PufPuf23]

8. I visit the graves of several of my great and great great grandparents

and often will take new visitors to these graves.

Why? Because they are located in beautiful settings in small pioneer cemetaries. The two I visit about once every year are: (1) great great grandmother is the first and oldest woman buried at Forks of Salmon, CA in Klamath National Forest, and (2) great great and great grandparents buried in the old cemetary under the redwoods in Blue Lake, CA. The cemeteries where my grandparents reside are boring and large and active.

I visited my great great grand parents' and great grand mother's graves in Hilltown, County Down Ireland. In Northern California, I have great or great grandparents and other relatives in three pioneer cemetaries that I have visited but they are out of the way and one is on a ranch where I have to get a key (but our families have known each other for over 150 years).

OTOH My parents who I had good relations chose to be cremated and the only tines I have been to the mausoleum is buying the spot, taking my mother's urn there with my Dad 27 years ago and my Dad's urn 15 years ago and have never been back. this is the same cemetary where I have two sets of grandparents and a set of great grand parents and a great great uncle buried. This is a large still very active cemetary in Eureka, CA.

[Iggo]

9. Once they pile the dirt on, I never go back.

Never really thought about it before, and it's not some kind of hard and fast rule that I've established (at least, not consciously).

I'm just thinking about it now and I realize I've never been to a grave except on the day they put 'em in it.

[azmouse]

10. I live over 2000 miles from where my family members are buried

so I don't have to deal with the issue.

But if I did live nearby I don't think I'd go to the cemetary. I'd rather remember my family as they were when they were alive, not as a tombstone.

[RoyGBiv]

11. It's personal ...

...that's why I do it.

[Call Me Wesley]

13. I'm with you, I don't visit graves.

For the same reasons you have.

[Old Troop]

14. I think that to some it represents continuity. It is something that is nearly

universal to humankind. Most cultures have some means of remembering their ancestors by visiting and honoring their graves. As a matter of fact, I was wandering through an older cemetery last weekend and spied a grave from 1911 that was neatly kept and had fresh flowers arranged on it. It jarred me because I had just been thinking that after a generation or two, you cease to exist in anyone's mind.

[RandomThoughts]

16. There is a concept that existence is based on being in someones thoughts.

There is a group that thinks being remembered by man defines immortality and continued existence, even to the point of thinking in those terms. It is why in ancient Egypt a pharaoh had his name erased from all record. It is also why the guy in the 'Total Recall' clip spoke about erasing a person.

Some groups even think that if they can erase a type of thought from public exposure, then they can remove it from existence. And some even attach the person to those thoughts, thinking that is where existence beyond life comes from.

Many systems of information control try and keep people from being known because they actually think that is what existence is about. You can see it in many methods of thought control where some things are shown and others are not.


I don't think being remembered is about being remembered by man.

[Flaxbee]

24. humans... and elephants, it seems

It would be a kindness to your mother to tell her you respect her wishes and will always know where she was laid to rest... even though you will hold her memory with you & don't need a place to remember her. Sometimes your feelings and beliefs are not nearly as important as providing comfort.

My parents want to be cremated; so does most of my family. I'd like to think of them as everywhere once they've died, but I certainly understand the human need to tie a memory of a person to a place they may have loved. I find cemeteries very interesting, though - there is a lot of history (and sometimes very funny headstones) in them. There is a great one in downtown Manhattan where I'd go on breaks from work --

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

15. I visit my husband's grave

because he died 5 months ago and I'm not ready to accept that he is gone forever from my life and going to the place where his remains lay makes ME feel better. I talk to him. It is a sacred place and I plan to be buried with him. It is for me. Logically I know he's not there. It just makes me feel closer to him.

[TheCentepedeShoes]

20. From us

:grouphug:

[proteus_lives]

17. To honor the dead.

Honor their memories.

To think and meditate on life.

[alphafemale]

18. Because she asked you. And it's not always about you.

It is the original point of Memorial Day after all. If the idea of actually spending time and placing a few flowers on your Dad's grave puts you out that much maybe you could agree to a looking at a few old photo albums with your her or something.

It wasn't that big of a request for cripes sake.

[Kaleva]

19. The people there are good listeners.

[OmahaBlueDog]

21. I talk to my ancestors...or to dirt....whatever

For some people, it's kind of like church

I think for other's it's like visiting the Vietnam Wall or other war memorial

I have someone close whose Dad was murdered. His Mom & Sis still go pretty frequently to visit the grave, but he stopped -- feeling it was time to move on after so many years. I think it's whatever makes you feel better.

[rurallib]

22. To make sure I am not there

and that those who should be there still are.
Ya hear me, Dad?

[csziggy]

23. The best reason I know is for genealogical research

But if you mean the more recent dead relatives' graves, I don't quite get it.

Having grown up visiting cemeteries to help Mom with her family history, I figure that many visit to remember their loved ones and ancestors.

[jberryhill]

25. Because folks are always dying to get in!

What do I win?

[orleans]

26. it sounds like she wanted you included on this family outing

in part because it was a tradition that she had established with your dad, and maybe by having you and the other kids there it helps her feel more connected with your dad--and that she is not all alone even though he is gone.

and maybe by telling you she's afraid that when she dies you won't know where she is buried, what she really means is that she's afraid she'll be alone--if no one comes to see her at her grave site then she might be all alone.

i don't believe that to be true, but she might.

i believe she'll be able to be with you and whomever she wishes to be near whenever she wants.

and maybe by going she sees you and the others haven't forgotten your dad and it would make her feel that she wouldn't be forgotten or neglected either.

if your dad has only been gone a couple of years it is very likely that she is still grieving and the death of a beloved is always very emotional.

the above mentioned are reasons why i believe people visit graves. everyone in my family is cremated. and we don't bury the cremains.

[JCMach1]

27. the cemetery I visit has every generation since the Civil War buried there

so it's a way of connecting to family and collective memory. Also, coming from a small community a short walk through the cemetery is like re-connecting with a remembered past and community.

I like cemeteries for that reason...

I am an atheist, so not even about the religious context for me.