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I think I'm going to do something monumentally stupid intentionally.

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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 08:37 AM
Original message
I think I'm going to do something monumentally stupid intentionally.
I have this friend, we'll call her Q because her name has nothing to do with the letter Q, who I've been crazy for for years. (Pretty sure she's into me too and just considers me to be not available to her for the same reasons she has never been available to me.)

(Okay, I apologize for the formatting of the majority of the rest of this post, but I think it makes the point more frustratingly-clear.)

Problem is, she was my indirect supervisor in a lackluster meaningless (fast food) job for most of that time...

and we were both in bad relationships with other people (one in her case, a series of crappy ones in mine)...

then I moved away because she was engaged to an idiot (who used to demean and belittle her, I've heard rumors from mutual friends that it was the day he actually raised his hand to her that she left him.) and I didn't want to watch her marry that guy, so I passed up a better job in that area to move to NYC (a mere 1 1/2 hours away)...

then she wanted to come visit me in NYC (her relationship with the moron was failing but I didn't know that) and I kind of blew her off because well, who wants to spend time with someone they're smitten with who is marrying someone else...

then my roommate got us thrown out of our apartment and I had to move to MD to avoid being homeless...

then she broke up with the idiot and I'm living in MD; I don't want and really can't succeed in a LDR, I know because I've tried and basically I don't stop thinking or feeling like I'm single (Her feelings on LDRs are crass and to the point: It's not a relationship if you're masturbating more than you're getting laid.); so I decided I was going to tell her how I felt when I went home for Christmas as I'm trying to move back towards home anyways...

then she told me when we were hanging out that she just started seeing someone and the panic came back, I became withdrawn and didn't tell her how I felt...I did give her a great hug though. (She's commented on the great hug.) So, now...

basically all I'm hearing is what an asshat her new boyfriend (U) is from all of our mutual friends. Many of whom know how I feel about her, many of whom have no idea. Just that Q's new BF is an asshole who makes the last one look like Prince Charming. Mind you, all of her non-mutual friends, many of whom know U through college (they're all in community college together) adore him and dislike me intensely. I'm "the evil one" to them because I told her to dump the fianc who they also adored.

I'm feeling like kicking over the apple cart and throwing my cards on the ground and just seeing where things land. I'm just frustrated because it feels like fate, happenstance, coincidence and 100 other ethereal things like that which I don't even believe in are kicking my ass on this one.
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Tobin S. Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 08:46 AM
Response to Original message
1. I don't think that's monumentally stupid
Tell her how you feel. But first I would examine why you haven't hooked up in the past and why she keeps dating asshats. If you can answer those questions honestly and there isn't any big problem, tell her how you feel.
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 09:06 AM
Response to Reply #1
2. Answers to those.
Edited on Sun Jan-17-10 09:07 AM by Chan790
1.) She was my boss, then she wasn't single. Then she was single and I was living 400 miles away. I really think that's the entirety of it.

2.) She dates asshats because she's a sappy romantic who falls in love with any guy who utters the words "I love you". She also dates non-asshats. The guy before the fiance was a gem, he just had serious mental issues (a fact that you and I can both understand) that he was unwilling to take care of and they had no future if he didn't. The guy before that was before she moved to CT and is her best friend...they broke up because he realized that he really just didn't have the feelings for her he thought he did. He's the nicest guy alive. More of it is that she dates people who her friends approve of because she doesn't trust her judgement...as soon as I go back to CT to visit I'm going to be asked what I think of U once I meet him, if I say he's an asshole, he's done but so is my chance to ask her out at least in the short-term. Currently, her college friends are telling her what a great catch U is because he's one of them...they're all in the same arts program together.
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Tobin S. Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 09:18 AM
Response to Reply #2
3. Well, it looks like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't
It looks like she wouldn't dump her current boyfriend if you told her and, of course, if you don't tell her she won't date you either. It probably wouldn't hurt to make your feelings known. She probably already knows anyway. If she dumps the other guy maybe she'll date you next.
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Maine-ah Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 09:30 AM
Response to Original message
4. I say do it.
get off your ass and tell her.
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mnhtnbb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 09:31 AM
Response to Original message
5. Go for broke. Tell her how you feel. If she does the "we're just friends"
routine, move on.

Good luck!
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 01:14 PM
Response to Reply #5
12. I'm more afraid of...
the "I'm seeing somebody" stonewall. I just don't know that I wouldn't try to ultimatum her and that's just a bad idea. I'm totally willing to blow up my life and move to be with her, I don't think it'd be wrong to ask her to choose between the guy she's known for years(me) and the guy she's dating currently.
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Wapsie B Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 09:34 AM
Response to Original message
6. I would be concerned about her dating assholes.
Edited on Sun Jan-17-10 09:46 AM by Wapsie B
Normally that is a major deduction in points with me. But you will never forgive yourself if you don't go for this. Life's regrets if there are any are often of things we didn't do. Tell her how you feel, and don't wait.

I love her definition of LDR's "It's not a relationship if you're masturbating more than you're getting laid." I think I'll frame that and keep reminding myself of that from time to time.
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Haole Girl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 09:42 AM
Response to Original message
7. Well...
You'll never know, for certain, if you don't tell her how you feel.

:hug:
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sarge43 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 09:54 AM
Response to Original message
8. Tell her how you feel.
Not much to lose, much to gain.

As for her non-mutual friends, why do you care what they think?
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Generic Brad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 10:06 AM
Response to Original message
9. You have one life
Roll the dice and take a chance. The worst that can happen is not her rejection. In actuality the worst thing that can happen is that you do nothing and forever kick yourself for not taking a chance with her. Go for it.
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petronius Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 10:45 AM
Response to Original message
10. Not stupid at all - do it now
Isn't there some trite saying about how you regret more the things you didn't do than the things you did? That would almost certainly be true in this case...
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 10:49 AM
Response to Reply #10
11. I'd regret it more if...
I said something now and blew a shot I might have with her in 6 months when she realizes this guy is a loser if I'd just kept my mouth shut until a more-appropriate time.
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mnhtnbb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 01:32 PM
Response to Reply #11
13. There is never a more appropriate time than now. Nobody has a crystal ball.
The risk you run by revealing your feelings now could end up "if only" because you never step
up and tell her how you feel and, not knowing, she keeps looking.
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Chan790 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 02:29 PM
Response to Reply #13
14. Her best friend just told me the same thing...
Edited on Sun Jan-17-10 02:29 PM by Chan790
I said "Do I do it, do I tell her?" She's "thinking on it." I suspect she's floating a trial balloon.

Edit: The best friend, not Q.
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MilesColtrane Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-18-10 07:14 AM
Response to Reply #11
17. The Earth could be hit by an extinction level meteor in two months.
Seize the day.
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smoopie Donating Member (14 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 02:44 PM
Response to Original message
15. there's nothing as expensive as regret
I was in this same situation 30 years ago. I was working with a great guy. He was in a crappy relationship and so was I. We lived in Seattle. The best part of my life was the time I spent at work with him. He never said how he felt and neither did I. Then he moved to Denver and we kept in touch over the phone and mail. I wanted to visit on one of my trips back east and he was hesitant because I was still involved with the asshole I had been with. I moved to New York and we lost touch with each other. One day I was thinking about him and tried finding him on Google and got lucky. He was in Denver. I emailed him and then we started calling each other he was alone and I was alone and so I told him how I had felt about him all those years ago. To make it short we are now together in western New York and the last 7 years with him have been the best of my life. I regret the 30 years we lost just because we were afraid to tell each other how we felt.
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Odin2005 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-17-10 08:59 PM
Response to Original message
16. DO IT!!!
:D
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TrogL Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-18-10 02:19 PM
Response to Original message
18. just fucking call her
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