I must be living in a bizarro universe (**I need relationship advice**)...

[armyowalgreens]

I must be living in some sort of bizarro universe because everything in my life is currently working out for my benefit. And that NEVER happens.


So there is this girl...that I am madly in love with. And by madly in love with, I mean that I could picture spending the rest of my life with her. Unfortunately, she has "dated" a good friend of mine for the last three years. I emphasis the dating part because it really wasn't a legitimate relationship. It started off half-way through high school as a good friendship and never progressed past kisses on the cheek. And I never actually saw them enjoying one another. It was a very awkward relationship.

But anyway, I've known this girl just as long as my friend. And we have always been very good friends. It just kind of sucks being friends with the girl you are in love with. You know what I mean?


So a few weeks ago while I was at a party, my friend started telling everyone there how he was in love with another girl in Philadelphia (we live in Arizona). He started running around acting like a complete asshole. And it really pissed me off.

Well I just found out that he broke it off with my friend a couple weeks ago. I had no clue (and he is my fucking roommate). She told me about it.

She was acting abormally close to me today when we hung out for the first time in about 2 months. She kept telling me that she had missed me this summer (she was travelling abroad). It was a little surreal. And I'm not use to it because I spent a very long time building an emotional barrier between the two of us to keep things appropriate.

But now I'm attempting to rethink the situation. A few questions arise...


1. Would I be screwing over her ex/my friend by going out with her?

2. Am I going to end up being a rebound guy and get dumped after a little while? Should I wait a certain amount of time before attempting anything?


I'm kind of freaking out because I feel like I'm fighting against the clock. A girl like this will not be single for long.



I ask you guys for advice on this subject because I have no where else to turn. All my friends are connected to the former relationship and I cannot trust them with advice. My parents want me to marry this girl and are constantly telling me to wait it out. So there opinions would be biased.

[suninvited]

1. Why not just ask her out and go from there?

However, you are going to have to see how the roommate is going to feel about it, first. Does he know you are interested in her? If they just broke up, there is a chance they could get back together. Sometimes breakups dont take the first time.

[armyowalgreens]

2. I don't think the roommate knows about my interest...

But a couple friends do and they might have told him. I really don't know.


The girl was talking to me about the break up and apparently he told her that this "doesn't have to be permanent". But she told me that was ridiculous and that they were done.

[armyowalgreens]

3. Also, I'm scared fucking shitless of asking her out...

Every time I see her I get sick inside. And it's not like our relationship is awkward. I'm just really good at covering up my feelings.

[Q3JR4]

10. If you're not really good a covering up

your feelings then odds are good that she knows what you're feeling and is letting you take the first step.

So get stepping.

Q3JR4.

[armyowalgreens]

14. So she is playing mind games?

Fuck, I cannot handle this. Maybe I should down a couple shots before I attempt anything.

[I Have A Dream]

40. I don't think that her waiting for you to take the first step is...

playing mind games.

She's already been rejected once, and she probably fears being rejected again. Therefore, she might be waiting for you to make the first move just to show that you're interested in her.

Her self-esteem has already taken a hit due to what happened to end her previous relationship.

[Sky Masterson]

4. I would go for it.

You aren't betraying your friend.
Your friend is a fool for letting a person like that get away.
He doesn't deserve her IMHO.
And what better person to have a relationship with then someone who is a friend?
I know all about the friend/love thing.
Think of it this way.
How bad will you hate yourself if you lose her to another man?
Living a life obsessed with a hidden love for someone would be a painful hell.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Ask her out man!

[armyowalgreens]

5. I have already spent 3 years loathing...

I don't think I could survive if I lost her again. She is one of the only things holding my life together.

I'm just so fucking scared to risk alienating her by asking her out. What if she rejects me and the entire friendship gets awkward?


I just feel like a total dumbass. I'm living off campus with her ex. But, today, she told me that she wished I was living on campus so we could hang out more. I would break my lease and drag my shit down the street in cardboard boxes if I could. But I don't have the kind of money to pay for the fees and penalties. Plus I'd be screwing over my two roommates. Even if the ex is being a complete ass, he doesn't deserve that.


Fuck.

[Sky Masterson]

6. I here what you are saying

You stated she was a friend. Friends understand.
Just tell her that you have feelings for her.
Tell her that you hope it doesn't harm your friendship but you just wanted to be honest with her
From what you have said I get the impression that she may have a small ember burning for you as well.
You should blow on it. Maybe it will become a fire? who knows.
Love is often harder than it should be.

[RadiationTherapy]

7. Being bold is attractive.

I see only one option here.

[clixtox]

12. I agree! Be bold and be strong. You are young with much to learn...

I would be willing to wager that in ten years, probably much less, you will look back in bewilderment at your temerity.

Don't worry about what might, or might not occur.

Be strong...

Be happy!

[City of Mills]

8. You HAVE to go for it!

You may be the rebound guy, maybe not...so what??? Be yourself, take good care of this girl, and if she breaks your heart...well, it hurts, and it happens sometimes, but it makes you a stronger person. Sometimes in life you have to stick your neck out. Just do good by her...and if it does work out...you won't have to live with regret. That to me is far worse.

[old mark]

9. 2 questions - 2 answers...

1. NO!!!

2. Talk to her about this, tell her all you have told us all here, and take your time and let things develop as they will.

You could just turn out to be a very lucky man.

Good luck.

mark

[armyowalgreens]

15. This sounds like the position most supported in the thread.

Now I just need to figure out a way to talk to her without

A. Passing out
B. Puking
C. B then A.

[old mark]

27. If you really care about this person, and want to spend time with her,

being honest and open is a great way to start. Just tell her how you really feel, hesitation, fears and all.

Good luck - to both of you.

mark

[vadawg]

11. you cant, its in the bro code,

just watch how i met your mother to see the ramifications..

[Ohio Joe]

13. OK, a few things

First. Being friends with someone you are in love with does not suck... it is really a very key thing to have if you want the relationship to work.

So your friend dated her... and? Truth is, that friendship will probably fall by the wayside once you are no longer room mates. Do you really think it a good idea to pass up a chance at a life long mate for that?

OK, your questions.

1 - No

2 - Maybe, maybe not. Talk to her about it. Explain how you feel about her, if it is still good, your concerns about the relationship (being the rebound guy), she will be able to tell you if thats where she is and she will. Talking with a partner is THE most important thing you will ever learn.

[gmoney]

16. Go for it...

She clearly likes you, your roommate has made his choice, and I would suggest that she's aware that you like her at least to SOME degree.

You do risk getting the "I don't think of you in that way" speech, BUT it's better to get that out of the way NOW if that's the case, rather than being polite for the next few months/years while she dates a series of other guys.

You also risk being a "rebound" or transitional guy -- but I think if you're decent and treat her well, she may stick around.

I've learned too late that the only way to get what you want is to ask for it -- the odds that someone will just offer it to you are rather slim. Don't be an asshole about it, but do try to be confident and clear.

Put all the bullshit teen movies and stuff out of your head, too.

I wouldn't make the mistake of trying to "ask her out" to some fancy restaurant or something you wouldn't normally do. I think just contact her and invite her someplace you'd normally go where its possible to talk, and once you're there just say "Susie, now that you and Dirk have broken up, I was really hoping you and I could spend more time together and see where things go." It makes it clear that you'd like to explore escalating your friendship, but doesn't put undue pressure on the situation. If she has any romantic attraction to you, it will be free to emerge, but if not, you're still there for her as a friend.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[armyowalgreens]

17. Okay, So I'm running that scenario through my head...

And just thinking about it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

But I understand that I must be willing to take the risk.

[gmoney]

18. Again, if she's worth having, she's worth the risk

She should be happy that you're being honest with her. For you to sit around pining and pouting is basically being dishonest with her. Being attracted to her while she was dating your roommate is OK, and you were a gentleman and did not interfere in the relationship. Now that she's single, if you plan to hang out with her, you really should be honest with her. Otherwise, it just ends up being creepy and pathetic, and is in danger of becoming this:

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it

Even though it's the Onion, that situation seriously exists, and you do NOT want to be a part of it.

[Evoman]

29. What's the big deal? Just a girl man. Just a girl.

Don't be nervous Worst case scenario you date other girls, and fall in love with one of them.

[NJmaverick]

19. If you value your friendship with the roommate talk to him about your intentions

if you decide you want to date her ask her out no matter how scary the prospect. Better to find out if you have a real chance (and risk heart break) than waste your time doing nothing.

[brendan120678]

20. I was in a situation like that back in college.

I ended up marrying the girl. No regrets.

[dembotoz]

21. go but go slow

be upfront but don't profess undying love on the first date.

if you wait for the right time, the time may pass.

Provide enough room for her to go slow too.
Rebounds are not good.

[mentalsolstice]

22. I was a rebound girlfriend

19 years later, we're still together. So either that whole rebound thing is a myth, or my husband is taking his own happy time getting it out of his system.

[kwassa]

23. You will never know unless you ask, and if you don't ask you will kick yourself forever.

there is a lot of good advice in this thread.

Many of us have regrets over letting opportunities pass us by, by failing to open our mouths.

What is the worst that can happen? that is always the question to ask. The worst thing is that she says no, but if you don't ask, she will have said no already.

There is the rebound danger, of course, but your feelings are strong enough that they absolutely must be expressed, in the most comfortable and non-confrontational setting you can devise. You are just laying the cards on the table.

My sister was the girl in this situation. She married the second guy, the roommate, they married relatively young, they have been married for 33 years, and are still going strong.

[Withywindle]

24. I'm with the crowd, go for it!

1. No. HE dumped HER. He forfeited his privilege of having a vote in who she dates. If she wants to date you, George Clooney, and/or a whole football team, that's no longer any of his business.

2. Maybe, maybe not, but I see several things working in your favor here. You've known her for a long time. And from what you've said, she sounds interested in you.

I know you're scared to death - but where there's fear, there's power. Don't play games. Be honest about being nervous, and ask her out anyway.

[Evoman]

25. Ha...good luck getting out of the friend zone.

I did it, but just barely. But then again, I'm a freakin' awesome and I didn't fall in love till after I started dating her.

Here's what you do...either ask her out (and risk getting rejected), or be a ballsy like I was and ask her to come over to watch a movie, and then try to make out with her (and really risk getting rejected). Luckily, it was easy for me, because I just liked her, didn't love her, and didn't care THAT much if I fucked up the friendship.

That being said, if you do something, and she rejects you, then you gotta stop right away. Don't keep pestering her. Do it once, and if she says no, you walk the other way. You date other girls. You don't dwell. If you go on with your life and keep dating, and minimize her role in your life, you have a chance of kindling some interest just by virtue of having other interests. Whatever you do, don't try to spend MORE time with her....familiarity breeds contempt. You wanna look like you have something going on in your life.

[elehhhhna]

26. No, maybe, and no.

Like Nike says - just do it.

[mwooldri]

28. Echoing others: 1) no, he was a tosspot, 2) Always possible but ...

... if you don't take the chance you will never know.

Plus don't go looking for love though. Just hang out with her lots more than usual. Be nice enough, invite her into your life to share lots of things. If the connection is there and the time is right, then heck yes, go for it. She obviously has demonstrated great feelings towards you, so maybe there is a connection. Yes you're definitely infatuated with her but you will know if this is love or just an infatuation after time. Nothing hurts more than unrequited love IMO (well death of close family and near/dear ones is probably worse) and if you come on too strong you'll scare her away.

But then what do I know? I'm just a nerd who fell in love with another via mail; I had no luck dating and I did scare away girls when I came on too strong.

Mark.

[astral]

36. This is what I agree with

Be there, go right up to her, ask her out for food or a movie or whatever, but don't gush out your love for her right off the get-go. You would not be giving her time to get to know you to see if she wants to go to that other level.

Dating someone who is in love with you before you even started dating is a major mind-fuck idea for a girl who's just beginning to get over a relationship.

If things are 'supposed' to proceed on the fast track, you'll get a clear message from her that it's okay, but I'd still try to not really rush right into a bull-blown big deal. It may already be mutual. Almost anybody in a serious relationship can think at least one other person they are also attracted to.

[achtung_circus]

30. Been there, done that and from my vantage I think of this

* Maud Muller, on a summer's day,
Raked the meadows sweet with hay.
Beneath her torn hat glowed the wealth
Of simple beauty and rustic health.

* So, closing his heart, the Judge rode on,
And Maud was left in the field alone.
But the lawyers smiled that afternoon,
When he hummed in court an old love-tune

* He wedded a wife of richest dower,
Who lived for fashion, as he for power.
Yet oft, in his marble hearth's bright glow,
He watched a picture come and go:
And sweet Maud Muller's hazel eyes
Looked out in their innocent surprise.

* A manly form at her side she saw,
And joy was duty and love was law.
Then she took up her burden of life again,
Saying only, "It might have been."

* Alas for maiden, alas for Judge,
For rich repiner and household drudge!
God pity them both! and pity us all,
Who vainly the dreams of youth recall;
For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"

John Greenleaf Whittier

If you don't do it you will spend the rest of your life wondering.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

[Withywindle]

35. I love that poem. Especially its last lines.

Or, put more crudely:

"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is -
it's better to regret something you HAVE done
than to regret something you HAVEN'T done..."
(Butthole Surfers)

[NNadir]

31. I married a woman who was "my friend." The hard part was telling her how much I loved her.

It was a little awkward, to be honest, and I had to emphasize that I didn't want to ruin our friendship, but it had to be said...

Just do it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

32. She's been dating your friend for 3 years, and they just broke up 2 weeks ago...

While there's nothing wrong with you dating her; I really think you should be her friend awhile longer, until you're certain she's really over him. If she makes the first move, then talk with her about your concerns, and proceed slowly and carefully. She'll be glad you did, too. :hi:

[DU GrovelBot]

33. ## PLEASE DONATE TO DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND! ##

This week is our third quarter 2009 fund drive. Democratic Underground is
a completely independent website. We depend on donations from our members
to cover our costs. Please take a moment to donate! Thank you!

[Odin2005]

34. Go for it! You will be kicking yourself for all eternity if you don't.

All the GFs I've had were originally friends.

[regnaD kciN]

37. I'd worry about the "rebound" part...

Having been both the person seeking a "rebound partner," and the "rebound partner" myself, I can tell you that they practically never last...and, if you're the one on the receiving end, the time will come when you've fulfilled all that the other person needed at the time, until she was ready to start looking for the one she really wants, while you'll be feeling that she was that to you all along.

I'm not saying that you can't eventually wind up with this girl, but getting involved with her right away is probably not the best way to do it. Now, I don't want to pose as the expert on relationships (cue the laugh track here), but I might even make it clear to her how I felt, but that I didn't think it was right hooking up with my roommate's ex right away, and that you need to give it some time. If she's interested (right now), she may well wait, which will give her a chance to get over the "I need 'Mr. Right Now'" mood and start looking for something more permanent.

[JCMach1]

38. I agree with most of the posts here- you are overthinking it

just go for it and don't delay...

[Monk06]

39. You are infatuated. You need to step back or you'll lose two friends and make a fool of yourself.

Just some advice from someone who has been there.

[JoDog]

41. You've got a good chance here

Speaking as a woman who got badly thumped in her last 2 relationships, I can confirm that the lady's self esteem may have taken a serious hit. She may not be persuing you or any one aggressively for a while. Now, that doesn't mean that you can't make a gentlemanly move.

First, sit down and talk with the roomie. But don't ask him, tell him. Inform him that you have been attracted to "Jane" for some time, and now that both of you are free, you intend to ask her out. You hope this won't make things weird in the apartment. Promise to do your best to keep the relationship out of the space you two share until everyone's adjusted to the new reality.

Then, talk to the lady in question. Let her know that you think that she's great, and while you know she may want to take a break from relationships, you hope that when she's ready, she will consider you. Until then, you value her friendship.

Have you ever seen "Gone with the Wind"? There's a scene where Rhett Butler tells Scarlet that he's tired of waiting to catch between husbands. That approach may be a tad aggressive in this situation. But it never hurts to compliment a single lady and let her know you're interested.

[snooper2]

42. So there opinions would be biased.

You should have used "their" not "there"..... just FYI :)