Request for those wonderful Lounge vibes - and some hugs

[AwakeAtLast]

I've been on DU for a long time and if you've been around you know I've been through a lot. I've actually been through more than I've posted about. A lot of what I didn't post about had to do with my husband and how he would treat me.

He has shown signs of PTSD and has recurring headaches leftover from his mild traumatic brain injury sustained while in Iraq. He gets angry, paranoid, unstable, etc. He tried to divorce me while overseas, but then begged me to take him back. I did so thinking that he deserved another chance considering what he went through and we had a young daughter who needed he Daddy. Needless to say that all of the work I put into keeping our family together these last three years was for naught. He is leaving. He has not been faithful and most likely is moving on to this person, even though he still can't admit it.

Right now I am devastated for myself, sure, but my heart is absolutely breaking into pieces for my daughter. He hasn't been the most attentive parent even before all this started.

I am trying to hold it together, but it is hard. What I feel the most is the sheer stupidity I exhibited when I decided to give him another chance. I'm totally humiliated.

You all are wonderful people and I consider you my friends. Because of my soon-to-be-ex's mental state most of my friends have been scared away, so if you would indulge me, I would like to be able to lean on you. You all give the best advice and stick up for each other when it matters most. Thanks so much.

[Shell Beau]

1. Honey, all I can give you are hugs and prayers!

And you got them. All of you.

[AwakeAtLast]

2. Thank you Shell Beau

Now that it's out in the open I'm feeling a rush of emotion I haven't been able to feel, so thank you.

[MadMaddie]

3. AwakeAtLast I am sending my best wishes and hugs for you

and your daughter. You have given all of yourself to the relationship and he is walking away.

As I tell my mother often...you are so busy taking care of everyone else you often forget to take care of yourself. You have to be healthy to take care of your daughter so take care of yourself.

[AwakeAtLast]

5. Thank you

and I definitely plan on doing that.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

4. What a tough situation --

Good vibes for you. Hang in there; it will get better eventually.

[AwakeAtLast]

6. Thank you

I know it will, I'm just hoping that eventually comes sooner rather than later.

[Bossy Monkey]

7. There's no stupidity in giving in to hope, and there's no cause for humiliation

just because he's a dick. One parent is better than two if one of the two is him. So be there for your daughter, do the best you can, and give yourself a break. You gave it the best try anybody could, even giving him a second chance it turns out that he didn't deserve. But that isn't your fault.

[AwakeAtLast]

8. Thank you

I needed that.

[knowbody0]

9. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this devastation.

you are not stupid and have no reason to feel humiliated. he betrayed you.

stay strong and get your good energy back with your little woman child.

hugs and love.............

[AwakeAtLast]

15. Thank you

[anneboleyn]

10. I wish you the very best -- this situation is so incredibly hard

and I promise to *will* the very best turnout for you and for your daughter. And you were not "stupid" when you gave your former husband a second chance -- you were looking for the very best in a difficult situation. It is very understandable that you gave him a chance to return to you and to his daughter, a generous chance to renew his commitment to his family.

I would suggest that you and your daughter join support groups (is there anything specific you can join as an ex military wife?) and if your insurance covers it, go to counseling for some space to vent -- in support groups you will find many others who have experienced situations similar to yours and this kind of support can really be invaluable. Surround yourself with your true friends and best-hearted relatives -- absolutely NO critics and avoid the fair-weather friends, though these will likely drift away on their own as they really want friends that they can use for time and attention (neither of which you have to give). The critics can be deceptive because they may offer help initially, but then the unwelcome negativity will be crushing at a time when you are at your most vulnerable,

PLease take care and if you have the time to do so, please keep us posted.

[AwakeAtLast]

16. Thank you

All of that is great advice and I have planned on looking into the counseling part. I am going to contact the military, too. I received counseling for a short while when he was overseas.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

11. My dear AwakeAtLast...

Of course...

You've done so many good things for both your soon-to-be-ex, and your daughter...

Please be gentle with yourself!

We are here for you, sweetie...

[AwakeAtLast]

17. Thank you!

I know you are!

[emilyg]

12. Thank you for sharing with us. You did

nothing stupid. Many years ago I did something similar. Don't beat yourself up. Hugs for you.

[AwakeAtLast]

18. Thank you

I'm sorry you had to go through it, too.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. do not confuse empathy and compassion for stupidity. There were

many good reasons to try and work things out. He has chosen another path. So be it. Go in peace and with pride in yourself that You did your Best. Take care of yourself and your daughter. Move forward with grace and dignity. You will be fine

[AwakeAtLast]

20. Thank you

Good words to hear right now.

[applegrove]

14. So sorry. Sounds like things will be looking up for you. Someone with PTSD can't

live a life that hits them the wrong way. You are better off without him and all that grief. You probably don't see it now..but you'll feel better for it down the road. And as for your daughter she just needs one great adult in her life to be a healthy person. I'm sure you will be that person for her. You are compassionate and loving and kind. That will be rewarded in the end.

[AwakeAtLast]

21. Thank you

I am getting a great sense of why I knew I could share here. Your advice is welcome and helpful.

[AllenVanAllen]

19. Good vibes for you

I hope you can work your way through this turmoil and find some peace. You and your family deserve it.

[AwakeAtLast]

22. Thank you

It will be a difficult road for awhile. My family will be very supportive, so that helps.

[SeattleGirl]

23. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

But as someone else said, don't confuse compassion and empathy with stupidity. You gave him a chance, tried to work things out, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

As to your daughter, I don't know how old she is, so I don't know what to say as far as talking to her, other than to try to talk to her on her level. Let her know that daddy was hurt in the war, and he sometimes has a hard time with things.

My good wishes to all of you.

[AwakeAtLast]

25. Thank you

She is seven and she knows a lot of what happened to him. She even calls President Bush a "meanie" every time she sees him because she knows that he sent Daddy away.

We are going to talk to her together sometime this week, then we are taking her to a special movie and dinner out together. He is being cordial about some things, which helps.

[handmade34]

24. gentle thoughts

AwakeAtLast- I am relatively new and don't know your story, but I understand abuse and breakups. Be gentle with yourself and know that kids are extremely resilient and your daughter has your love. There is nothing stupid about hopes and dreams and trying to make it work. Trust that it will be difficult and you can cry and then you will get strong again.

[AwakeAtLast]

26. Thank you

Great advice - I will take it to heart!

[onestepforward]

27. Sending good vibes and wishes of peace

Try to be kind and gentle to yourself. It sounds like you only wanted your marriage to work and there is no harm there.

[AwakeAtLast]

28. Thank you

It's great to receive positive words - they are needed!

[ThomCat]

29. I am very sorry for all the pain

it sounds like you're dealing with.

I hope it all works out and you find peace, and something better for yourself.

[AwakeAtLast]

30. Thank you ThomCat

I really appreciate it!

[Madrone]

31. No, sweetheart. You are not stupid and should not feel humiliated.

You did everything you could to hold it together, and to make your marriage work before giving up on it. What you are is someone that did everything she could before calling it quits. You won't be haunted by "what ifs" and "if onlys" - there is no doubt now that the marriage is over, and that your husband can not change - and most importantly that it's NOT because you didn't make the effort.

As for your daughter - she'll be fine. I was a child of divorce @ 7, and I adjusted amazingly well. The most important thing you can do is to make sure you tell her that it has nothing to do with her, that you BOTH love her immensely, and to not trash talk her father - EVER - within earshot of her. This last part is especially important. If he's a jackass she'll come to know this on her own without your input. If you trash talk him to her it will make her feel like she has to defend him, and that part of herself is bad.

Good luck to you, and congratulations on your FUTURE.

[AwakeAtLast]

36. Thank you

Those are helpful words and I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. So good to know!

[blueamy66]

32. I wish you strength

Amy

[AwakeAtLast]

37. Thank you

[BlueIris]

33. I'm terribly sorry for all that you have gone through.

But at least now you can start to put the pieces back together.

[AwakeAtLast]

38. Thank you

I have begun that process. It will take some time, but I will do it!

[susanr516]

34. Hugs to you

Don't beat yourself up for trying--at least you know you made an honest effort. It's been over 25 years since my divorce. My daughter was 6 at the time, so I know how worried you are about her. My ex was also emotionally distant from our daughter even before the divorce. I told her many times that the divorce wasn't her fault,and that her father loved her even if he had a hard time expressing it. I always tried my best never to say anything bad about her father in front of her. I know it's very difficult now, but you'll come out of this a stronger, healthier person.

[AwakeAtLast]

39. Thank you

It helps to hear from others who have have had similar experiences.

[Bertha Venation]

35. Do lean, Awake. Lean here.

You have friends here. There are real people behind these posts, people who care.

[AwakeAtLast]

40. Thank you Bertha!

I do know that, and I am grateful!

[Call Me Wesley]

41. Good vibes coming for you.

[AwakeAtLast]

44. Thank you

Just being able to let it out has helped tremendously.

[Missy Vixen]

42. I hope you know you are in the arms of friends

There is never any shame in hope; we've all hoped for better. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

I hope for the best possible outcome in this situation, and I hope for better days for you and your daughter.

[AwakeAtLast]

45. Thank you

It helps to know that there are people here who really care!

[MissMillie]

43. Lots of hugs coming your way

I don't necessarily think it was stupid for you to give him another chance, and I certainly see no need for you to feel humiliated.

It sounds to me as though hubby is suffering, and it's up to him to do something about that. You can't control him. You control you. If you worked your best at trying to make things work, then you did the best you could do. There's nothing humiliating about that. You did what needed to be done. It sounds like hubby is to sick to either know what needed to be done, or to just do it.

Your daughter will be fine. If you've always been a stable force in her life and you continue to be so, she'll be fine. Make sure she knows that none of this is her fault, and not yours either. (I would even add that it's not hubby's fault too--he sounds sick to me.) Make sure she knows she can talk to you and say absolutely anything (and be prepared to hear absolutely anything!!).

And keep coming here for support. This place is a great place to get it.

[AwakeAtLast]

46. Thank you

The frustrating part is that I agree with you that he didn't cause this either, although he has made very poor choices. He has refused counseling many times.

Your words mean a lot. I plan to stick around for a long time!

[hippywife]

47. Always, AAL.

Sending lots of love and hugs and vibes to you and your daughter. You weren't being stupid for trying to hold things together. You did what you felt needed to be done for the best for everyone involved. That means no matter how badly this hurts, you can eventually have no regrets. You went the extra mile and didn't give up easily on something so important.

No regrets, sweetie. No regrets.

[AwakeAtLast]

49. Thank you

Your words mean a lot!

[I Have A Dream]

48. I'm so sorry that you have gone through all of this, AwakeAtLast.

I hope that you are able to overcome your feelings of humiliation. Now you can leave the relationship without any "What ifs" that might have hung over your head if you had not given it another try. Please hold your head high and be proud of the wisdom that you've shown throughout this situation. You sound like a "class act" to me.

I've sending huge vibes your way. Please don't give up!

[AwakeAtLast]

50. Thank you

I can promise you that giving up is not an option.

[MagickMuffin]

51. Sorry you're having to go through this AwakeAtLAst

Your Heart was in the right place, even though it is breaking at the present moment. My heart is breaking for you and your family

No need to feel stupid or humiliated, you made a decision that at the time you thought would be in the best interest of your family. Sometimes it turns out best to have the courage to let go and pick up the pieces of a shattered family. You and your daughter are going to need each other to mend those pieces.

Know in your Heart that you were not the one to give up and walk away. You tried to make things work out and you should realize that in doing so you are to be commended. It's a sad situation around. The trauma your husband endured during his tour of duty took its toll on him, if he is suffering from PTSD. He needs to have that checked out since you and his friends are concerned about his mental state. I've know about a program for Vets suffering from PTSD's, if you think it would be something he would be interested in PM me and I'll give you the info. He needs some sort of closure for his exposure to his experiences in Iraq.

Best of Luck and please continue to seek our friendship.

[AwakeAtLast]

54. Thank you

I'm seeking out as much support as I can. It has helped a lot!

Unfortunately he has always refused any kind of help. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but I also know that soldiers don't like to ask anyone for help. The divorce rate is amazingly high in military families.

I'm beginning to feel a lot stronger because of the wonderful people here.

[Forkboy]

52. You should never feel humiliated for displaying kindness.

He should for not recognizing it.

Best wishes.

[AwakeAtLast]

55. Thank you

What a good way to look at it!

[lildreamer316]

53. I can

add nothing but to the wonderful advice on this thread.
Talk as much as you want, wer're here for you, anytime - I'm here at 3 AM most nights.

[AwakeAtLast]

56. Thank you

I truly appreciate it!