I need one-sentence bits of advice. Stuff like

[Bertha Venation]

Always carry a condom.

Don't drink and drive.

Don't take any wooden nickels.

Funny stuff and serious stuff welcome. Extra credit for sayings that are well-known (like "don't drink and drive.")

This is for a fun thing we're doing at my nephew's graduation party. (Not a game; just a fun thing for him to read.)

[hobbit709]

1. Don't sweat the small shit.

Big shit defined as anything that puts your life in immediate danger.

[Bunny]

2. The Lord loves a working man.

Don't trust whitey.

See a doctor and get rid of it.

[Swede]

3. Don't spit (or piss) into the wind.

Call your mom.

[RufusH]

21. And don't tear the mask off the old Lone Ranger.

And don't mess around with Jim.

[arbusto_baboso]

4. Common sense isn't (common, that is).

"New and improved" is not.

"User friendly" never is.

[XemaSab]

5. If you find a fork in the road

pick it up.

[malta blue]

6. Never leave the house without putting on clean underwear...

:hide:

[HERVEPA]

7. "Don't spit in the soup, we've all got to eat." ... LBJ

[Kali]

8. You can't stomp a snake with both feet in the bucket.

:rofl:



Sorry. I think that was from an old Steve Martin routine or maybe it was George Carlin - I can't remember, but whenever I see these sayings I always think of that.

[hobbit709]

9. As Townsend Miller used to say

"If you kiss a toad first thing in the morning, the day has to improve from there."

[Richardo]

10. "Don't do anything stupid."

My Dad's advice to me upon leaving for college. :eyes:

[Enrique]

11. Neither a borrower nor a lender be n/t

[Aristus]

12. If you ever drop your keys in a pool of molten lava, let 'em go, 'cause, man, they're gone!

:+

[fizzgig]

27. good ole jack handy, what a wise soul

:rofl:

[Aristus]

31. Yeah.

:-)

[Bucky]

13. Always drive like grandma's in the car with you.

Never hyphenate "well known". It's a two word phrase.

[Deep13]

14. Don't eat yellow snow. nt

[HopeHoops]

15. Never eat anything bigger than your head.

That's from an old Kliban cartoon but it has always been a standing rule in our house.

[Bertha Venation]

16. These are great. Anymore?

[Kutjara]

17. If at first you don't succeed...

...failure may be your style. - Quentin Crisp.

[sarge43]

85. don't take up sky diving. n/t

[petronius]

18. Give an honest day's work for an honest day's pay.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Floss before brushing.

Don't post anything on the internet that you wouldn't want your mom to read.

[Wapsie B]

19. Don't take a leak near an electric fence.

[RufusH]

20. Guns Kill People

Or at least that's how it SHOULD go.

[RufusH]

22. Soylent Green is People

:D

[Bertha Venation]

24. LOL

Welcome to DU :hi:

[RufusH]

32. Thanks!

:hi:

[DarkTirade]

23. Always wear your sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance... even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

[Bertha Venation]

30. This is great.

Thank you for this gem! I can get a lot from it for the boy. Ahem, young man.

[DarkTirade]

37. It was originally an essay written to a particular graduating class

and then Baz Luhrmann (known better for his movies such as Strictly Ballroom, the modern Romeo and Juliet and Moulin Rouge) decided to make a song out of it. :)

[Bertha Venation]

43. I'm going to have to look for that on Youtube.

:thumbsup:

[Gidney N Cloyd]

36. Mary Schmich's great advice!

[DarkTirade]

39. Ah, yeah, that's the name I was looking for.

Couldn't remember the name of the original creator of it. :)

[Gidney N Cloyd]

41. It was mis-attributed to Kurt Vonnegut for a long time.

As I recall, Schmich and Vonnegut wound up having a nice chat about it.

[cwydro]

25. Fasten your seatbelt.

Drive carefully.

[Orsino]

26. Never follow one-sentence advice.

Listen carefully, Norman: I'm lying.

[Spacemom]

28. Don't go to bed angry

that's the best marriage advice I ever received. :D

[auntAgonist]

29. "engage brain before putting mouth in gear" n/t

[lizziegrace]

33. Never say never.

and be careful what you wish for.

Always cross with the light.

Don't try to bathe a cat.

Don't email anything you wouldn't want to see in the paper.

Don't spit into the wind.

[Moondog]

34. Plastics.

You are what you eat.

Never play cards with a man named after a city.

Never sleep with someone crazier than yourself.

Life is too short to drink cheap wine.

[Midlodemocrat]

35. Don't breathe underwater.

[Gidney N Cloyd]

38. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweatty things.

[Rabrrrrrr]

40. Make sure your enemies are really dead before you walk out of the room or go to a meeting.

[trackfan]

42. Study long, study wrong. n/t

[GoddessOfGuinness]

44. Don't forget to breathe.

[jobycom]

45. No generalization is worth a damn, including this one. nt

[Mugu]

46. Don't fry bacon while naked. n/t

[no name no slogan]

47. Don't trust whitey.

The Lord loves a working man.

See a doctor and get rid of it.

[Richardo]

65. See #2

...or did you see it already, Maureen Dowd?



:)

[murphymom]

48. Never turn down free food n/t

[av8rdave]

49. The three most useless things in the world are

runway behind you, altitude above you, and fuel in the truck.

[Bertha Venation]

58. I have a confession to make.

I don't get this. It sounds like an aviator thing, but I still don't get it. Help? :dunce:

[av8rdave]

60. It is an aviation thing...was in a funny mood...sorry

[Bertha Venation]

50. More! More! More!

How d'you like it? How d'you like it?

:bounce:

[redwitch]

52. "Little ships should stay close to shore" Ben Franklin

Say it fast after a couple of beers. :-)

[redwitch]

51. Love everyone, trust few and paddle your own canoe.

:-) What a fun idea this is!

[Dogtown]

53. "Keep your eye on the sparrow"

A line from the theme-song of that old detective show with the cockatoo.

Keep your eye on the sparrow, when the going gets narrow. Advice to soldiers to take warning from birds being startled, I believe.

Guess it's not a one-liner though, if you have to give all that backstory...

:cry:

[KamaAina]

54. You can't be too rich, too thin, or have too many cats.

Speaking of cats, check your PM.

[KitchenWitch]

55. My one sentence bit of advice is a bit on the blunt side

"Don't shit where you eat."

[Patiod]

68. They should teach that in MBA school on the first day

Was talking to an old boyfriend who had lost TWO (count 'em: Two) well-paying jobs because he was sleeping with more than one of the women who supervised him.

He went to one of the best MBA achools in the country, and I asked how it could possiby be considered the best MBA school in the country if that wasn't Lesson #1 on Day #1.

[Dogtown]

56. Don't panic!

And don't forget your towel.

[old mark]

57. Got 3 here:

Never lick a steak knife.

Never fry bacon naked.

If you walk a mile in another man's shoes, he'll be a mle away and you'll have his shoes.

Have a happy birthday party.

:party:

mark

[Iggo]

59. You can't teach experience.

[taterguy]

61. Use your education, don't let your education use you

[JNelson6563]

62. To prepare for when your life flashes before your eyes

make sure it's fun to watch. :toast:

Words to live by IMO.

Julie

[BornBlue]

98. Love It!!

:hi:

[mikeytherat]

63. Always let the wardrobe mistress choose your clothes.

If there's a will, I want to be in it.

The potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure.

A peanut-butter daquiri is a very bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. If you fail again, quit. You don't need to be an asshole about it.

mikey_the_raat

[Patiod]

69. Unless the you're the wardrobe mistress

I've never met women who dress worse than costumer mistresses. Seriously.

[Rising Phoenix]

64. Things I have learned by the age of 31

1. Don't keep secrets
2. Never be ashamed of who you are
3. Recognizing mistakes is not the same as having regrets
4. Try anything once
5. You will fall in love many time before you know what true love is
6. It's your body - exercise any right you wish regarding it
7. Your parents are not always right
8. Sometimes your parents are right and it will piss you off
9. People seem wiser after they die
10. Never judge a book by its cover
11. Never judge - what gives you the right
12. Follow you gut
13. Family and friends are very important
14. Sex is awesome
15. I don't advise living in a crack house
16. Being roommates will ruin a friendship quicker than sex
17. Art is subjective
18. Leave your mark
19. All it takes for evil to conquer is for a good man/ woman to do nothing
20. Treat others how you want to be treated
21. People will not always treat you as they want to be treated, be nice anyway......its good karma
22. Don't be a wimp......if you don't speak your mind, your mind will scream at you until you do
23. In this day and time it is possible to get lost in the woods ( trust me on this one)
24. Age is just a number......my four year old nephew is as wise as my oldest friend sometimes and vise versa

thats all for now......please add the lessons you have learned
Do

[Bertha Venation]

72. Great stuff, this - thank you so much.

I hope he can learn from your experiences as boiled down here. :hi:

[rug]

66. Live and let live.

[SoxFan]

67. A wise man once said...

Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "holy shit …what a ride!’

[LynneSin]

70. Judge not lest yet be Judge

Jesus had some good one-liner advice! Too bad the fundies don't read it

[Patiod]

71. Never attribute to malice that which can be blamed on stupidity

Has actually served me well over the years.

Can't believe no one has mentioned the classics:

Never eat at a place called Mom's

Nver play poker with a man named Doc

Never sleep with someone crazier than you

[bethdoc]

73. A few more

-Keep your ammunition dry

-Never take your eyes off the guy to your right, or your left.

-Never bite the hand that feeds you

-Keep your eyes on the road and your hand upon the wheel

-Stay in school

-Make sure she's 18

-Question authority

[Bertha Venation]

78. "question authority" - thank you!

How could I have forgotten that one?

[woo me with science]

74. A few:

Pay off your credit card every month.

Don't dip your pen in the company ink.

Fiber, fiber, fiber!

When in doubt, choose kindness.

[yy4me]

90. Pay your Credit card off every month and the CC co's will

now call you a deadbeat and lower your rating. That good advice has to go, things have changed. Save by paying it off or lose by having your rating or credit level adjusted.
Damn Credit Cards.

[woo me with science]

112. I stand corrected.

:(

[conscious evolution]

75. Never use a wooden dildo

Splinters suck.

[rateyes]

76. I'll give you one my mother used on me when I was a teenager going on a date:

"Keep your pecker in your pants."

[Patiod]

77. Advice for women: Never sleep with a guy prettier than you

You SO don't want to wake up to anyone who looks a whole lot better than you in the morning. Even if he looks fat and bloated now on Facebook.

I'm just sayin'.

[ohheckyeah]

79. Buy low, sell high. n/t

[Deep13]

80. What can be asserted without evidence may also be dismissed without evidence. nt

[snooper2]

81. Don't shit where you eat

:)

[sarge43]

82. Don't try to please everyone.

Don't tug on Superman's cape.

Pay attention to warning signs.

Floss

Life is pain. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something. (Princess Bride)

Unplug, then repair

Pillage, then burn

Windows sucks

[leftyclimber]

83. Measure twice, cut once.

Safety first.

Always look both ways before crossing the street.

[Catshrink]

84. Wear sunscreen

[NJmaverick]

86. Never stick your face in a bag of angry squirrels

One of my favorites. A bit of an inside gag. One day when I was on duty on a Saturday morning our crew was channel surfing and looking for something to watch. We came across a kid show and before we could move on they had one of those, "imporant lessons for kids", type of things. Instead of a message about look both ways before crossing or don't play with matches, this was the message. We all got a kick out of it, for being such a silly message.

[AwakeAtLast]

87. Only YOU can prevent forest fires

That's what I remember from my childhood. :shrug:

[Forkboy]

88. Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. ~ Harry Truman.

A wise man that Harry.

[Common Sense Party]

89. Plastics.

Enough said.

[yy4me]

91. A few come to mind:

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Win some, lose some.

Time and tide wait for no man.

Monkey see, Monkey do.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Be careful what you wish for, you may get it.

[Mugu]

92. Quit just before you're finished. n/t

[Bertha Venation]

93. this thread is awesome

I have way more than I can use for the party, and I don't care. I love every response. Keep 'em coming!

[TZ]

94. Cats love you when no one else does.

I thought that purrrfect for you, Bertha..:)

[Bertha Venation]

95. aw

you made me smile :)

[LiberalEsto]

96. Stay out of the Lounge

and my mother's advice, derived from several years of living in refugee camps after WW2:

"If a man attacks you, kick him right in the balls."

This once saved me from getting raped.

[Patiod]

97. Me too, Liberal Esto!

Saved me from a date-rape situation once - he ended up writing on the floor and I headed out the front door. What kills me is that he actually TOLD the people that set us up "I got a little fresh, and patiod had to put me in my place". Which I guess sounded better than "I tried to rape her, but kneed me in the nuts". Yikes.

And who would have ever thought that "stay out the Lounge" would ever trump "stay out of GD"

[mikeiddy]

99. Go ahead, its your dog.

[triguy46]

101. And the corollary, "Every dog has its day." I 've seen it over and over.

[triguy46]

100. Never eat anything bigger than your head.

[Sanity Claws]

102. The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

God helps those who help themselves.


I think this thread already has all the good ones.

Is this for a graduation party? whatever, hope it's fun.

[yewberry]

103. Be the person your dog already thinks you are (plus a couple more)

Never talk with your mouth full.

Stand right, walk left.

Never go to bed mad.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Dim lights when approaching cars.

Floss daily.

[KamaAina]

104. Have a nice day!

for the ex-Californian... :-)

[rurallib]

105. couple from the sporting world I always loved

1) If I have one foot in a bucket of ice and the other in a bucket of hot coals, on average I am fine

2) (from the Jim Bouton book) "Boys, your this close to major league pussy"

3) Basketball - It is hard to teach a guy to be 7 foot tall.

Happy Bertha Day

[Zavulon]

106. Don't skimp on tires, toilet paper or beer.

Best piece of advice you'll ever get.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

107. Never eat anything bigger than your own head.

Never walk through an opening that's not as wide as your whiskers

(wait a minute...that one's for CATS. Better just go with the first one).

:rofl:

[UndertheOcean]

108. Stay in school !

[RushIsRot]

109. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Where there's a will, there's a group of greedy relatives.

Health is just the slowest rate at which one can die.

A penny saved is hardly worth the effort.

[Recovered Repug]

110. You have two ears and one mouth,

so listen twice as much as you talk.

If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

[Duer 157099]

111. Google aphorisms n/t

[lightningandsnow]

113. Don't fry bacon in the nude.