What do you tell a girl who is about to lose her breast? (PIC HEAVY)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

After 4 chemo treatments, they checked and though the lump has reduced there is still cancerous activity in the area. The doctors are scheduling my best friend for a modified radical mastectomy this weekend. She is not talking to us (her mom, sister or me) and her poor husband is fielding our calls. She cant get reconstruction for a year. Already her hair has fallen out and one of her eyes have gotten smaller because of the chemo.

What do i even tell her? this is so upsetting.

Us in better times:

[Midlodemocrat]

1. I would tell her she's beautiful with or without breasts.

Three of my good friends have lost breasts to breast cancer.

And, she is beautiful. As are you.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. yeah, she is quite stunning.

[PassingFair]

3. Personally, I'd be more bothered by loss of hair or my vision...

but that's just me...

Bit I'm a bit long in the tooth, and
no one except me and my husband
would know about the breast.

Loss of vision or being bald would
impair my ability to make a living.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

4. she is 30 and just got married. i dont think she is being exceptionally vain

because she doesnt want to lose her breast.

[PassingFair]

6. I don't think she is either.

But I'd rather lose a breast than
a leg or an eye or an arm.

I would cry with her, I would let
her know that she is still a "woman",
and that no one she meets will know.

I truly hope she has a husband who
loves her.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

5. Pri -

question: what is the status of the other breast?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

7. its fine as far as anyone knows

[PeaceNikki]

8. Awwww, Pri.

:hug:

My heart breaks for you and your dear friend. I am so very sorry. :(

[La Lioness Priyanka]

11. thanks

[Richardo]

9. You being her friend is most of what she needs to know...

...when she's ready to talk I bet you're at the top of her list.


:hug: to both of you and her family. She is far too young to have to deal with this.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

10. thanks

:cry:

[Deep13]

12. Are they pretty confident the surgery will work?

I can only think that pointing out things can only improve from here is really all you can do. It's normal to grieve for the loss, of course. Her hair will grow back and after everything is healed she can have reconstructive surgery. I hope this hasn't affected her vision much. I didn't know chemo could affect ones eyes. The main thing is being above ground (alive). 20 years ago, the result here would have been a lot worse.

I can only wish her well and hope for a full recovery. This must be very distressing for you. In 30 years you can both talk about the bullet she dodged. Now is the rough part, but it will not last forever.

:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

13. yes. the cancer is localized.

[Deep13]

27. Well, I'm glad they can definitely save her.

I didn't mean by my previous post that it is somehow no big deal. (Rereading it I can see how it might be read that way.) Anything that affects ones bodily integrity is a big, big deal, especially if it can also affect ones self image as a woman or man. I just know if something like this happened to Sweetie, I would be desperate to save her.

[Sabriel]

14. Try not to minimize her loss

If she wants to wallow, let her wallow and be supportive for as long as possible.

People who say, "It's not a big deal," or "It's just a blob of fat" have no idea how damaging and dismissive they can be.

It IS a big deal, to many, many people (both women and men).

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. yes, you are correct. i would never dismiss how big a loss ones breasts can be for a woman

esp a young one. combined with the hair loss etc its just godawful

[Deep13]

34. +1

[datasuspect]

16. sometimes there aren't sufficient words

that's when being there for someone makes all the difference in the world.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

17. huge part of the problem is that i cant physically be there for her.

[redqueen]

18. Sorry also to hear you can't be there for her in person...

All I can think is to tell her she's beautiful inside and out, and that everyone who loves her recognizes that, and nothing will change it.

[Lars39]

19. There's so many emotions...

she may be mentally numb right now, feeling like she's in a Twilight Zone episode. She's young, so she's probably getting very aggressive treatment.
I literally had to take it one day at time...not really thinking about life after the treatments. The chemo starts messing with your mind a bit, too, making it harder to concentrate. I retreated into myself a bit. Mentally wailing is what I call it now. Went a few times to learn some coping mechanisms from a psychologist specializing in treating cancer patients.
In some ways she may actually be relieved to lose her breast, if she is really focused on long-term survival.

I didn't choose reconstruction, in part because of other health problems, but also because I would have had to travel half-way across the state to receive special mammograms due to the implant. Regular mammograms don't give a complete picture of what could be going on. I miss having cleavage sometimes, but I'm alive and well(for now, at least)and view my scars as a necessity to save my life. I'm coming up on 5 years this next Christmas, and I was staged at 3B.

You're friend is a gorgeous lady, both inside and out, or you wouldn't love her so dearly. :hug: I know it's hard not to be there in person for her. Although it may seem so inadequate to what you would like to do to help, a steady stream of cards might help you both. I received a few from friends and relatives that really helped me a lot.

Sorry for the disjointedness of my post. Women have so many different thoughts and reactions when faced with such a health crisis....these were just some of mine. Best wishes to your friend, La Lioness Priyanka. :hug:

[applegrove]

20. So sorry. Vibes to her.

[flvegan]

21. I wouldn't know what to say, but vibes to your friend and her loved ones.

Sounds like she's got a good support network, and that can be a major help in times like this.

[no name no slogan]

22. I wouldn't tell her anything. But I would listen to whatever she had to say

and then let her know that, no matter what happens, she's still the same person she always was, and always will be, to you.

Best wishes for your friend and for you Pri :hug:

[hedgehog]

23. I wish I could have said what you said half as well as you did!

[MissMillie]

24. Tell her you love her

And ask her what you can do to help (be it helping her w/ chores and errands while she is sick, or just holding her hand).


Let her talk to you, but make sure she knows that if she needs to not talk right now, that's ok too.

[struggle4progress]

33. I vote with MissMillie

[La Lioness Priyanka]

35. this she knows and i do tell her. as i stated upthread, she is in india

so i cant actually be there for her physically

[MissMillie]

40. I apologize for need reading more carefully

The screen went way to the right and I got a little impatient w/ that. (I never was very patient... forgive me)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

42. oh no, sorry i sounded bitchy, i was just explaining the situation

no need to apologize

[Haole Girl]

25. You'll find the words

Let her know you are there for her & you always will be- no matter what. :hug:

[MnFats]

26. my dear niece-in-law underwent this about 18 months ago.

it was rough, very rough.
a double radical mastectomy.
today she is more vibrant and energetic than ever. cancer gone.
and meanwhile, since my sometimes weasely nephew treated her beautifully and attended to her sweetly:
they fell back in love!

she was pleased with the outcome surgically and emotionally. they support each other magnificently (he had a medical crisis of his own.)

one thing: be sure you have a good support group and family, if possilble
if someone asks "can I do anything," say "Yes."
get help
get a good team of docs and supporting medical staff (note: sometimes the nurses know more about your situation than the docs.
(no knock on docs, they just have too many plates to keep in the air.
if not comfortable with medical team, get others.

best of luck, that's about all i know.

[soleiri]

28. I don't know

But I can tell from your post that your spirit, strength and love will be with your friend.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

29. do i know you? there is something very familiar about your name. regardless, thank you

very much :hi:

[SeaLyons]

30. just validate her loss the best you can...

her situation is very sad and there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. Just give her your love and support. I'm sure it's very hard for you to see your close friend go through such sadness. :hug:

The good thing is that she will be cancer free.

[Parche]

31. hey

my mom had that and both removed in 1975, and she survived another 33 years....
:hi: :hug:

[CrownPrinceBandar]

32. My best to your friend, Pri..........

~~~~VIBES~~~~

[blueraven95]

36. Lioness,

have you thought about sending a card - something pretty and simple - like a "thinking of you" kind of thing, with a short and sweet note? Since she's not actually talking to you (probably because she's so freaked out), a card might mean more than a phone call or an email, particularly because you took the time to send it from the U.S. to India.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

37. only not talking for a day or so...i am sure she will talk to us soon

she is not big into cards

[guitar man]

38. just be there for her

as best you can, I hope all turns out well for her and you too :hug:

[marzipanni]

39. Maybe she would feel more comfortable communicating with women who have

experienced having breast cancer. Does she have internet connection? There are a bunch of websites/forums where women write to eachother about their treatments, emotions, etc. There are probably versions of these available in India, or maybe the nurse at her doctor's office knows of some support system they could refer her to so she won't feel so alone. You might suggest it to her husband if you think it would help.
Reassuring stories from survivors-
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/supporterstories.faces?siteId=2&link=ctg_bcs_supporterstories_from_home_sidetabs
Discussions on all realms of breast cancer-
http://community.breastcancer.org/
:hug:

[whistler162]

41. Be there for her, whether physically or just a voice at

the other end of the phone.

http://ww5.komen.org/default.aspx is a good resource.

[FloridaJudy]

43. I'd be much more freaked out about the eye

Than the breast, but that's just me. They can do wonders with reconstruction, even if it can't be done for a year.

I'd just offer her support, and any help she needs. A bunch of my friends and I took turns doing the shopping, cooking and cleaning for a colleague who had a double mastectomy. That was over ten years ago, and she's still going strong.

[RetroLounge]

44. Tell her you love her

and that she is beautiful, and you are her friend no matter what.

then the first chance you get, give her a big hug from the lounge...

:hug:

RL

[donheld]

45. This past August, my sister lost her right leg to cancer - the entire leg

with no chance of any kind of prosthetic replacement. I know the pain you must feel. As for what to say, I don't think there is a "right thing." Just make sure she knows you love her and you'll be there for her ALWAYS.

[ThomCat]

46. I trust you will find words of empathy.

My only suggestions are:

She is going to mourn the death of who she used to be. This is a huge thing. People who develop major health problems that radically change their life, especially if the health problems are physically disfiguring, go through the stages of mourning. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Be prepared for each of these stages. She is almost certainly in one of these stages right now.

Don't avoid the subject. A lot of people will avoid talking about her cancer in order to pretend everything is okay. She's going to need to talk about this, and about a lot of other things related to this.

In whatever ways you can, help her develop the new life she is going to live after this is over. Help make sure it is a positive life.

:)

When the stress of this gets to be too much for you, get help. She is not the only one who will be overwhelmed by this. If you are there for her, this will get to you too. Don't think that just because you are being strong for her, that means you have to be strong alone.

:hug:

[cwydro]

47. What wonderful pictures.

I have been in your shoes; it was years ago and a friend had to undergo that. I don't remember what I said.

All you can do is be there for her in every way you can.

Good vibes for both of you Pri.:hug: