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Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I'm still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club & made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor & model for athletic clothing & swimwear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God, with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!
Christo gave me a tour & showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back & push a heavy iron bar into the airthen he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel G-R-E-A-T !!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back & forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the Stair Monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late... it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbells. When he was not looking, I ran & hid in the bathroom, He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine... which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health & nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or a choir director?
Saturday:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote & ended up catching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go thank GODthat this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift that's really fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!!
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