OK, I'm about to go nuts on a coworker and need some help

[mreilly]

Hi all,

I work in IT and have been with a company for about a year and a half. I was hired by a guy I'll call "Ben" who turned out to be a complete know-it-all; arrogant, condescending, and always right about everything.

Ben was demoted a few months into my employment because he was incapable of proper management (and I would have quit if I had to work for him any longer), but is very adept technically. Now he's my coworker, but due to his nature I make every effort possible to avoid any situation where I actually have to, you know, WORK with him. Ben is OK in social situations; very smart guy, I'll admit. On the job he is an insufferable son of a bitch. He does not seem to realize he was demoted and is no longer in charge, in the first place. Secondly, in any work encounter with him - ANY ENCOUNTER - he comes across as demeaning, belittling, and a control freak. He sees the work he does as top priority and whatever anyone else does as menial shit too trivial for him to bother with.

So today while enlisting the help of another coworker - one who can actually assist without lording his knowledge over you or acting like you're an infant without a clue - Ben barges into the conversation, gives his two cents and pulls his usual "I know everything and you were just hatched from an egg, youngster" routine. That almost pushed me to the edge, but I managed to keep it under control.

You see, I'm cursed with nice guy syndrome. I have two modes: nice, and berserk. No in between. If I get pushed and go berserk on someone, it's not pretty. Basically if I let things get out of control I'll be screaming "ASSHOLE!" in Ben's face and my job will probably be gone. At the very least I'll be labeled a loose cannon at work and will wind up glowering at Ben (and vice versa) for months or years to come in an environment ten times as unpleasant as it is now).

I realize the conventional answers here are to:

1) Talk to Ben politely and explain he needs to drop the condescending attitude and realize we're all professionals. I can guarantee this will be doomed to fail. Ben will belligerently deny any such behavior and it will quickly descend to the aforementioned "ASSHOLE!" scene.

2) Go to the boss or HR and get some assistance. Personally, I hate the idea of having to run to the teacher for assistance. I'm in my late 30's - long past the point of needing to work this shit out for myself.

3) Grin, bear it, ignore it, and let it go. Be happy to have a job in this dismal economy and focus on the positives. Oh yes, I subscribe to this theory. I am an easygoing guy - mostly. There have been some decent social moments with Ben, talking about movies or trips or other outside activities; he is not a 100% turd. I also realize people like this are insecure, need to tear down others because they're unhappy with themselves, it's important not to subscribe to their way of thinking or let them define you, etc. Totally on board with that, but that doesn't help quell my annoyance when Ben acts like I couldn't buy a clue if my father were Daddy Warbucks.

Ignoring the bad behavior sort of works, it still builds up painful frustration on my part - why the hell should I, the nice guy, have to just "let it go" when someone acts like a dick?

Any tips anyone has on dealing with difficult people would be greatly appreciated!!

[amitten]

1. Kill Ben.

Okay, that was a joke.

I don't really know what you should do...

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

2. I assume everybody else also thinks Ben is a douche?

If so, maybe there's a way for several of you (not just you by yourself) to communicate with management about how impossible this asshat is to work with, and that he's impairing your ability to do your jobs.

[mreilly]

4. Funny you mention that

We have a new guy who started with us recently who ran afoul of Ben. I basically had to talk him down from a frustrating episode (he asked Ben a simple question about which server we use for such-and-such and got one of Ben's patented "Why do you want to know that? What are you doing? You'd better make sure you don't fuck up, little boy" lectures - which was COMPLETELY uncalled for especially given the subject had NOTHING to do with any system Ben is responsible for). I actually became concerned this new guy wouldn't elect to continue working with us due to that. And I'd have gone totally apeshit on Ben if that happened, because the new hire is helping me out with my tasks.

This new guy expressed his displeasure to our manager. If I do the same and explain as you said how it is impairing my ability to do my job that may have an effect more constructive than "I don't get along with Ben" which to me seems petty, whiny and unproductive. Because that is really what it comes down to - as I said before, I go to ANY length possible to avoid bringing Ben into ANYTHING I do on the job, and probably you could argue the company suffers as a result, or at least doesn't get its needs met as effectively. I even passed up a trip to our other facility in a very cool Western state I'd have otherwise jumped at a chance to visit, because it would have meant going with Ben and working hands on with him and I simply don't fucking do that if there's an alternative. Period. Because I don't need to be treated like a four-year-old fuckup by a guy a handful of years older than me.

[gratuitous]

3. Okay, so you need to deal with the problem

You can't deal with it yourself, or you don't trust yourself to deal with it. I fail to see what's the matter with going to the boss or HR; that's part of their job, and part of what they get paid for, the smooth administration of the office. "Ben's" already on thin ice, and either he can or can't cut it in the workaday world. But right now, he can't cut it. From your description, it sounds like he could be a good worker. You're not doing him a favor by letting him skate, and you're not doing yourself a favor by letting it envelop you.

[GOPisEvil]

5. Going to the boss or to HR is the adult thing to do.

Even if you just go into the boss' office to just vent your frustration, that may spur further discussion.

And, as you say, "working it out on your own" may land you in the unemployment line and/or jail. Let the people making the bigger money deal with it.

I've gone into a boss's office and just said, "If X does Y one more time, I'm going to snap!". Just saying it to another person helped out.

Edit - this advice assumes you trust your boss.

[MajorChode]

6. Try option #1, but...

Remind him he is already skating on thin ice and you are doing him a favor by talking to him directly rather than going to management.

Life is too short to tolerate that. Put yourself into the category of people he doesn't fuck with.

[RagAss]

7. Fall on the ground and yell out "Ben just pushed me to the floor !"

That ought to be all for him !

[Iggo]

8. #1.

If that don't work, go #2 on him. (lol)

[sandnsea]

9. Because you go zero to punch mode

and because I have that inclination too - I'd encourage you to find someone who can help you figure out how to be assertive and identify unacceptable behavior and put an end to it. I don't know how to do it, but some people do. If you find them, let me know what they say.

[Starry Messenger]

10. I usually dislike pop psychology, but I really liked this book.

Dinosaur Brains
http://www.albernstein.com/id50.htm

It has some good techniques for handling difficult people at work. I was in a negative work situation a few years ago and found this book at a thrift store. I bought it kind of as a joke since I was so frustrated but it ended up being really helpful! It could have been written for dealing with people like Ben. It describes the different kinds of power relationships that develop at work and how you can turn them around to be less frustrating. My copy is still packed from moving or else I would look up some passages. I feel for you!

[AmyDeLune]

11. When he goes into Pedantic Lecture Mode

cut him off. Say "Yes, I understand that, but this what I'm doing, thanks." Other than going to HR, the only way to stop someone like that is just to cut them off mid-sentence. It's no more rude than what he's doing to you.

The problem with someone like Ben is that they genuinely think they are being helpful and that you are as dumb as a bag of rocks. Other than finding a good place to dispose of the body (kidding!), that's pretty much all the advice I've got. I wish you luck!

[madeline_con]

12. Can you remove the screws from his chair?

Try lots of fun and interesting revenge strategies. The whole office will be so much more fun.

[NJCher]

13. two suggestions

I would totally avoid Ben. He just wouldn't exist. I would figure out all kinds of ways to totally avoid him. Earplugs. Walk the other way if I saw him. Just total avoidance. And I would take pride in this! I would feel really good at the end of the day when I'd been successful in avoiding the blowhard.

Now, if it was my husband, who is a political genius, he would know exactly how to go about having Ed fired. He does subtle things, like start rumors, set up traps for things that could get him fired, etc.

Do you have a political genius to help you? Is there one who would be willing to take Ed on? Office political geniuses could have Ed fired and no one would even know who shuffled him out the door.

Regardless of what you do, these types of people tend to hang themselves. Just hang in there and you will probably show up some morning and find he's been given the ax.


Cher

[cherish44]

14. I had to deal with a know it all who thought he knew how to do everyone else's job

Reasoning about it did jack shit. Even with my boss. Eventually when he tried to tell me how to do my job (I'm the editor at a magazine he was damn sales rep) I just took the attitude well if this dude fancies himself an editor, fine, be my guest. Go for it. In the end it meant he gave himself a whole bunch of extra work and as a salesman who worked on commission he realized maybe he ought to just worry about selling ads instead of trying to tell me, the payroll clerk, the production person, the receptionist...etc. how we ought to do our jobs. He used to complain about how much we all sucked at our jobs... Guess what? His ass got fired a long time ago and the rest of us are still working there. My advice, give douchenozzles enough rope, they usually end up hanging themselves.

[northernlights]

15. definitely do NOT go to HR

Ask yourself why you care so much about Ben being a dick. Allow Ben to be the dick he is. Be grateful you are not Ben. Be grateful you don't work for Ben. Try to feel a little sorry for Ben. He already got demoted for being an asshole. That had to hurt and is likely to drive him to worse behavior. Remember that there, but for the grace of they flying spaghetti monster, go thou. Consider that Ben probably wonders why, with all his talent and skill, he's stuck working with a bunch of nitwits. Consider the possibility that your existance annoys and frustrates Ben as much as his annoys and frustrates you. And take up smoking salvia divinorum. They don't test for its active ingredient.

[mreilly]

16. Thanks to all for the helpful comments

I think what I am going to do is hold off for now on the "explain to the boss that Ben is impeding my ability to do my job since I do not consult him for any information" possibility for now. If I talk to the boss with no request that he take action it will just be venting without purpose. If I talk to him with the expectation he take action it's just going to result in more hostility. Ben has never been able to comprehend the reason why he was demoted (like all know-it-all people, certainly it couldn't have been due to any fault on his part!!) and has thus clearly demonstrated himself incapable of taking any criticism or negative feedback, no matter how it is worded. I'll just get a lot of bitter "So, why'd you go to the boss, huh? Why didn't you just discuss your concerns with me, huh?" crap whereby Ben would pretend he'd have been eager to listen and help if I'd only come to him first.

No, my strategy will be twofold: check out information on dealing with difficult people to help me manage my own frustrations. The book "Dinosaur brains" that was mentioned sound like a great start. Secondly, I'm going to start handing it back to Ben at various turns. When he goes into one of his patronizing little lectures I'll just wink and say "Ok, Dad!" When he asks for assistance on anything (as he did recently with his laptop) I'll give him a nice talk along the lines of "Now, it's VERY IMPORTANT that you not change ANYTHING the wrong way here. Don't just go EXPERIMENTING to see what will happen because those processes are there in place for a reason and if they're changed incorrectly the entire thing will just stop working." He loves to talk like that and act like other people would just make a huge mess of everything if not for his saving advice.

I am sure that is going to piss Ben off and he's going to start getting bellicose but that's going to be his problem. He won't realize "This is how it feels when I treat other people this way" of course. No, he's going to start getting agitated that his experience and maturity aren't being respected. However, I'm going to do it in a subtle way that will be less confrontational (more like making fun of the senile old man) than "Can you stow the condescending bullshit, prick?"

I would love to goad Ben somehow into taking a swing at me because he'd be out the door. I feel confident that I have enough of management on my side that if it came down to him or me they'd pick me and give him the boot. When he was demoted I got the very clear sense they would have just canned him outright except for his technical skills involving the systems we use, so they decided to "see what happens" by reducing his role. However, I don't see Ben as the kind of guy who will resort to punching people. He will just get pissy when his authority isn't respected, but over time he will simply have to learn that every time he talks down to me he'll get it handed back to him, so if he doesn't like receiving that same sort of treatment back he'll have to adjust and knock it off. I don't need to like Ben and he doesn't need to like me. I don't need to go to lunch with him or have him over at my house, but I do need to work with him. I absolutely refuse to consider any possibility of leaving my company due to him; I've earned a place here and I'm not going to let Ben be a source of anger and resentment on my part.