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As a rule of thumb, how soon is too soon to move in together?

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alarimer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 01:31 PM
Original message
As a rule of thumb, how soon is too soon to move in together?
My (ex?) boyfriend asked me to move in with him after about 2 months. I told him that it was too soon and he took it to mean that I was not that into him. And apparently that led to many misunderstandings and our subsequent break-up.

For some reason he keeps returning to my failure to move in with him as the crux of the problem. But, frankly, that was way too soon for me and it freaked my out a little even to be asked. I am a little bit gun-shy anyway and have a hard time letting people in.

So what it is a good time frame anyway?
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Lil Missy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 01:34 PM
Response to Original message
1. A good time frame is when you are ready. And if he does not give you that time, he's a creep.
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Richardo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 01:34 PM
Response to Original message
2. If you have to ask, it's too soon, IMO
Edited on Sat Mar-14-09 01:35 PM by Richardo
Everyone has his or her own timetable - stick with yours. Accommodating the other's expectations without being ready does not bode well for either parties' happiness.
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alarimer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 01:43 PM
Response to Reply #2
6. I think you are right.
Moving in when you are not ready is a recipe for disaster.
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Taverner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-17-09 10:46 AM
Response to Reply #2
39. And maybe someday they might just....hold hands in public (giggle)
Seriously, life is short - do what you have to do now.

Maybe now is the time to take a leap
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Heidi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 01:36 PM
Response to Original message
3. Before you want him/her there is too early, no matter what he/she feels/says/assures you.
Edited on Sat Mar-14-09 01:37 PM by Heidi
Stop kicking yourself about this NOW. If I had attempted to live with/marry every man I'd been with, loved or felt connected to, I'd now be washing socks and yellowed underwear for them all and listening to the snoring of the world's largest commune.
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cherish44 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 01:38 PM
Response to Original message
4. He's gotta put a ring on it before he moves in
That's just me though. I have a 12 year old daughter and just don't want to be shacking up.
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alarimer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 01:42 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. Part of me is afraid that I will never be able to live with anyone ever.
Under any circumstances. I am an independent person and very reluctant to lose that independence. Yes, he was kind of upset when I told him that. I am not sure if it is strictly true or just another way I have of pushing people away.
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WinkyDink Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 07:59 AM
Response to Reply #5
30. If that's you, why fear it?
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Yavin4 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 06:05 PM
Response to Reply #4
18. Beyonce? n/t
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MorningGlow Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 03:53 PM
Response to Original message
7. He sounds kind of pushy
Moving in together should feel "right" for both of you, but the time frame is different for all couples. One thing I distinctly remember from my dating days was the "three month mark"--it was always the turning point, the end of the honeymoon phase. However it went at the three-month mark showed whether the relationship was a keeper or was going to go south. Never been known to fail.
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alarimer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 05:37 PM
Response to Reply #7
11. I agree with the three-month rule.
That is what has always happened to me: I got dumped at the three-month mark.

I have not had a relationship last this long (and this one, apparently, has failed too, although I guess it's more of a holding pattern). So this is all new territory for me.

The reason he asked is that my lease was up around that time and I was trying to figure out if I should sign another one or not, given that I might be relocating if I found a job out of town. At the time I was optimistic. Now, nearly a year later, I have still not found a better job.
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CJCRANE Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 04:54 PM
Response to Original message
8. Two months sounds too soon.
Edited on Sat Mar-14-09 04:55 PM by CJCRANE
I know we shouldn't always worry about what other people think or follow convention but two months doesn't seem like enough time to me, just from a "explaining it to your friends" point of view...

(At least for me, if I said to my friends "I met someone in January and now I'm moving in with them" they would be somewhat surprised).

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alarimer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 05:38 PM
Response to Reply #8
12. I think so too.
it was, at the time, voiced as more of a practical thing because my lease was up and I wasn't sure if I should renew.
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Lex Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 05:00 PM
Response to Original message
9. It depends on the couple. But if you weren't ready, he should've respected that
without getting his wittle feewings hurt. Seriously.



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BlueJazz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 05:03 PM
Response to Original message
10. You won't have to ask anybody when the "real deal" comes along.
I knew a couple about 6 years ago...Dated 3 times..moved in together...got married a month later..
..and I still see them to this day...So much in Love. Ahhh :)
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alarimer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 05:40 PM
Response to Reply #10
14. I am not sure I agree.
I've said before that I have a very difficult time letting people in. I could not do it after only a few dates. It probably takes months certainly, if not a year of more, for me to feel comfortably enough with someone. Now that is something I need to work on but I feel like the lightning-strikes thing is just not going to happen to me because I am incapable of it.
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BlueJazz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 09:36 PM
Response to Reply #14
25. That's entirely possible. I was hit by Lightning..The real shitty Kind.
Didn't think it would ever happen.

Still..If the feeling or Feelings are not there or (as you say) may never be there, then so-what?
Hell..just live your life as you want and try to believe in your own reactions to the World. :) :)
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raccoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 08:07 AM
Response to Reply #10
31. Well, if it worked out, good for them.

Let's hope they won't end up on 48 HOURS MYSTERY or DATELINE. :silly:

But seriously, if you don't know someone well, you could be in for some unpleasant surprises.




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AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 05:39 PM
Response to Original message
13. maybe he's the problem, sounds like it to me.
he should look inward.
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davsand Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 05:45 PM
Response to Original message
15. If he pressured you to move in then you made the right decision NOT to do it.
That was ALL about what HE wanted and not about what you were BOTH ready for. I'm sure he's probably an ok guy who just needs to grow up a bit, but if he was rushing you to that level of commitment and is now acting all shitty about you expressing a different opinion than his, that sounds a lot like a selfish person to me.

Imagine the shit over money management or having kids that could come up with a person that doesn't care what you BOTH want... Makes me shudder.

You may have dodged a bullet.



Laura
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dkofos Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 05:51 PM
Response to Original message
16. When the lease is up
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SPKrazy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 05:52 PM
Response to Original message
17. Don't do it the way I did it
My ex wife moved in with me after about 3 or 4 weeks, and we were together after that. 21 years later we were granted a divorce. In between we did get married and had a wonderful kid. I look back at the quick move in together as something that I don't want to ever do again. I want to make sure that I'm with someone I want to be with before I do that again.

I don't know what a good time frame is, but it should be when you are comfortable and no sooner than that. Pushing you to do something you don't want to do will have its own consequences later down the line.

I'd say that his pushing you to move in and your not being ready is not the crux of the problem, its his attempt to push you instead of let you have the time and space you need.

What difference will it make in the long run? Two months is not a long time, it might be long enough for some, it might be way far from being enough for others. It also might be that the two of you are not meant to be together as well.

My .02, and I'm no expert, but I have had my own experience.

:hi:
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backwoodsbob Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 06:07 PM
Response to Original message
19. if you love him and it feels right
there is no time frame.

You have to do what is right for you.
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Mike 03 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 06:10 PM
Response to Original message
20. It depends. You have to trust your heart on matters like these.
The first time I "moved in" with someone:

We started going out in September and moved in together in January. It became serious in November.

So from the time it was "serious" until the time we moved in together was Thanksgiving to New Years. And we were together for thirteen years.

And that was perfect. It worked out fine. But everyone is different.
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Tuesday Afternoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 06:17 PM
Response to Original message
21. This is his loss. If he can not get past that then you guys will never
be able to go forward. He is hung up on that? Wrong. Sorry, but I am calling BS on him. Move on.

I really do wish only the best for you. :hug:
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Resuscitated Ethics Donating Member (319 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 06:54 PM
Response to Original message
22. An ex joke!
So you are expecting to be picked up for your second date with a needy clinger like your ex. What kind of vehicle to they arrive in?














A U-Haul!

Sounds like his needs were more tuned in to practicalities like needing help with rent. I've been out of the biz for a long time but jeeesh. They need to demonstrate some level of got-it-togetherness before a massive commitment like that. If he had, you would have felt it. There is no time limit, but your feelings need to be respected.

You have saved yourself a heap of trouble.
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Critters2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 06:59 PM
Response to Original message
23. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but I think these things just have a
natural progression, and you just kind of know when it's time to move in together. If either of you don't feel it's right, it isn't.
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Iggo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 07:18 PM
Response to Original message
24. Ever. (n/t)
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Lost in CT Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 10:59 PM
Response to Original message
26. Unless you are dating a homeless gut two months is way to soon
sounds like he needed a roomate as much as a girlfriend.

Plus what kind of man asks first anyway without the woman dropping some serious hints.... sounds a bit like a needy loser.
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BarenakedLady Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-14-09 11:04 PM
Response to Original message
27. Listen to the little voice in your head.
"When in doubt, don't" is a good motto to live by.

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stewartcolbert08 Donating Member (614 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 05:25 AM
Response to Original message
28. You should be together at least a year!
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WinkyDink Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 07:57 AM
Response to Original message
29. He sounds like a controlling type. "Dear Abby" just listed "too much, too soon" as one sign.
Edited on Mon Mar-16-09 07:58 AM by WinkyDink
Patty the MatchMaker would slap you upside your haid if you moved in AT ALL before a wedding!
And statistics would back her up.
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Lil Missy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 08:21 AM
Response to Original message
32. There is no rule of thumb. Just whenever it feels right.
But I would think 2 months would be way too soon for me.

There's nothing wrong with you. Just be yourself, on your own time.
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LynneSin Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 08:23 AM
Response to Original message
33. If you have to post that question on an online webform - then it's too soon
Seriously!

Not being disrespectful but the fact that you posted here means you are not ready to do this. You'll know you're ready when determine that on your own without the input of anyone else but you.

Good luck!
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Jimbo S Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 08:32 AM
Response to Original message
34. She moved in after we were engaged.
This shows the commitment was there.

And moving in after two months? The guy sounds creepy. It was two-plus months of dating before we got comfortable enough for the sex part.
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malta blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 08:53 AM
Response to Original message
35. When it feels right.
If you don't feel it, then don't do it. There really is no set time, per se :shrug:
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 09:04 AM
Response to Original message
36. a year-ish. though lisa and i moved in earlier than that
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DFW Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 09:16 AM
Response to Original message
37. My girlfriend and I moved in together after 3 years, and even then as a trial gig
Of course, we lived on two different continents, so there was the whole logistics
and immigration paperwork mess to contend with, too.

Even so--that was in 1978, and we're still together, so who's to say we messed up?
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unpossibles Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-16-09 04:53 PM
Response to Original message
38. depends on the people/situation.
your ex- sounds like an ass.
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Dora Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-17-09 01:13 PM
Response to Original message
40. You know when you know. I was once bitten, twice shy.
I lived with a boyfriend after dating him for five months. We lived together for less than a year before I moved out.

The experience caused me to vow NEVER to share my living space with someone that I was not willing to spend the rest of my life with.

So, my next boyfriend and I were together for 10 years before we lived together. And even then, I would not live with him until we were engaged and the wedding was two months away. I deeply value those years I had living by myself.

Accept yourself for who you are. Be not afraid. Love yourself.
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amitten Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-17-09 01:19 PM
Response to Original message
41. He's just using that as an excuse. If you had moved in, you'd
still be in the same situation right now.

When people are meant for one another, nothing can break them apart. When they're not meant to be, nothing will keep them together.
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Roon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-17-09 01:25 PM
Response to Original message
42. What does a lesbian always bring on a second date?
a U-Haul
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Sequoia Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-17-09 01:41 PM
Response to Original message
43. Maybe he wanted someone to pick up dirty socks.
Then he blames you for the breakup. If you moved in with him and he changed on you, got mean and bossy, etc. you'd be stuck since you gave up your own place. He sounds selfish to me and yes, two months is too soon. What sort of relationships has he had in the past? He seems rather iffy to me.
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