It's war.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

I suddenly find myself in a unique position- the families on the other side of my walls have all moved out (absolutely nothing to do with me, folks!), so I have empty apartments all around me for a while. All there is now is the family from hell living directly above me.

Methinks it's time for a little noise payback.

Day and night. Night and day. Children and adults alike seem to delight in testing the structural integrity of their floor (which, oddly enough, also happens to me MY CEILING). Noise complaints don't do any good- I complain, they send a "courtesy patrol officer" up to have a word, and for the rest of the night Mister Macho makes a point of JUMPING through his living room.

Now that I have a bit of a buffer around me I think it's time I tested the limits of my sweet old Bose speakers. It's been a while since I cranked 'em up, and I know it's important to exercise 'em once in a while. So be it.

I wonder how they'll like a full volume concert of The Who's "Quadrophenia" at, say, 3:30 in the morning? And if I don't hear a rousing round of applause from above after that I have a nice collection of other rowdy romps queued up for their evaluation.

This is gonna be fun.

[Turbineguy]

1. Bellboy.

Place those speakers carefully for maximum reflective effect!

[Droopy]

2. If you've got some good bass, try this one out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAmMcBQavKE

The growling, Satanic lyrics might also make them think you are conducting some kind of evil offering to the Father of Lies.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

3. They sound like orcs in heat.

I like it!

[Droopy]

5. lol! I bet they'd take that as a compliment

[Jamastiene]

13. Oh, fuckin' WOW!

I love that.

[IntravenousDemilo]

4. Meh, not a good idea.

You have to find something to make their lives a living hell, but it should be something that cannot be traced back to you. You don't want them calling the cops on you, do you? You're on record with the police as having complained, which is a good thing from a legal standpoint. If the two-ton people upstairs make a similar complaint, none of your further complaints will be taken seriously either by the police or by your landlords.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

7. Not cops- a private security patrol.

As my dearly departed mammy used to say, they're useless as tits on a boar hog. And why should I expect a claim from upstairs to be taken seriously when mine aren't?

[IntravenousDemilo]

10. Then it's time to get the REAL police involved.

Perhaps the private security company and your upstairs neighbours are friends, if you know what I mean.

Failing that, you could also smear shit all over their doorknob, and/or you could get hold of some moose urine or some equally rancid-smelling fluid, douse a piece of construction paper with it, and slip it through the crack under their door if there is one. Wear latex gloves (there are certain things you just don't want on your fingers, plus you don't want to leave fingerprints on the paper) and do it just after they've all gone out, so as to allow the almost permanent funk to permeate through their apartment while they're away. Then ditch the evidence properly.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

12. That shit is fun to think about, but I'm not a vandal.

A wee bit of noise pollution is far more acceptable (and less likely to get one arrested) than the things you describe doing. If the cops knock on my door I simply turn the volume down until they leave. If I cause physical damage then I deserve to be arrested.

[GOPisEvil]

6. You never know who's packin' heat.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

9. I am, for one...

Yep, some of us Democrats know how to use small arms too...

[GOPisEvil]

14. Well, then. Carry on.

[VenusRising]

8. Now is a good time to reorganize your pots and pans, too.

[Jamastiene]

11. I love music wars.

I always win.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

15. My dear Prisoner_Number_Six!

Ooooh!

Have at 'em, baby!

This sounds like payback time!

I'm fucking loving this!

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

16. Any requests?

I'll play one REAL LOUD just for you!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

17. Ah, I trust your impeccable taste!

Rock on, baby!

Actually, I don't know any really loud, obnoxious songs!

I'll be happy to applaud your efforts!