Being away from intimate relationships.

[Mike 03]

Some of the most recent posts have inspired me to think about this issue:

I was just curious if anyone here used to be in intimate relationships but then, for some reason, just stopped, and you find yourself later along in life alone and so out of touch with dating or meeting people that you just don't know how to get on with your life or meet someone anymore?

Lately I find myself wishing I could meet someone, but it's been so long. I'm definitely embarrassed to even be asking this question, and so out of practice, lol.

[supernova]

1. I'm in a similar boat

I was in a relationship for 10 years, married for nine of them.

But I left that relationship when I realized it was emotionally abusive.

That was 13 years ago and I haven't been in another LTR since. Oh, I've dated, but I haven't felt really pushed to get coupled up again. I had a lot of personal growing to do. And I gave up the idea of having a family in the process.

Now, I feel it is a more appropriate time to see about another relationship. I feel more grounded and I feel better able to express my needs and wants. I feel better able to balance myself within a relationship.

But dating?

It's been really difficult to find someone with whom I'd feel comfortable and AVOID all of the kinds of warning signs that I didn't see when I married the first time.

I've had moments so far, that I've enjoyed. And some really painful ones that make me feel ashamed, like I haven't learned anything.

The verdict's still out on whether or not it's an enjoyable process. I just try to get out and have fun as much as my acutely introverted personality will let me. :-) I belong to several meetup groups and that has helped a lot.

[malta blue]

2. I am also unattached and found

there is no reason to go out there and try to meet anyone new.

Truth is, I am quite happy with the friends I have and don't want to go through the whole screening process to find a "mate". There are plenty of single men in my friend group that I am sure I could pursuade to be "friends with benefits" or more if I were so inclined, and yes, I must admit, there is one in particular that has become very near and dear to me that I would enjoy a relationship with, but I am still apprehensive about jeopardizing our friendship...

I don't know if this helps or not.... :hug:

[SPKrazy]

3. Hope springs eternal

but it has its limits

I'm not saying I'm giving up, but I'm hanging up my hat an focusing on the important things in life right now. If a romantic involvement occurs, it will be a natural happening and at this point I'm about ready to shut down my computer joke a rama screening services. They may work for some people, but I've found nothing but lunatics and heartache from them.

:shrug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

4. Obviously, there'd have to be someone with whom it would be worth having intimacy.

:rofl:

[supernova]

5. Well, obviously!

:P

:rofl:

Mostly, I find that people are way too eager on first meeting. That's way too much pressure for me. Desperate isn't sexy.

[Fire Walk With Me]

6. You should move to LA like I did.

You either lower your standards, or go without. My integrity demands the latter. Yours might too :)

[supernova]

7. Supposedly, I'm in a singles hotspot

for women looking for guys.

But it is hard to find ways to get to know people. It's all too quick for me. Perhaps there's a part of me that belongs to a different era.

[Fire Walk With Me]

8. I hope you find someone!

:hi:

[supernova]

9. I'd still like to visit LA

:hi:

I've always wanted to see LA. I know it would be fun. :-)

[Fire Walk With Me]

10. It is entirely façade. Keep that in mind, and make certain to not entertain notions of moving there

and you'll be fine. Don't miss Roscoe's House Of Waffles.

[Deja Q]

15. Calculated reaction, instinctive reaction, or simply something else?

:D

Possibly instinctive.

Some are calculated.

Most of us have been inundated by the stereotypes of sex thrusted into us by the media and in turn becomes a surrogate instinct.

I'll think of more double entendres later.

[supernova]

16. :P

What I mean is, that kind of pressure usually results in shutting me down. I don't get the opportunity to see if I even *want* to find out if I'm attracted to that person or not.

*sigh*

[Lil Missy]

11. I did. I was in an intimate relationship, but it did not end well.

I was honestly more baffled at some around me that could just pick up with someone new within a couple weeks, or months.

I'm not cut like that, and needed some time to recover. What's the rush? I had opportunities and people interested after that, but it was all just too fast for me.

Now I am ready to move on. But I don't go looking. I think such things just find their way when the time is right. I've had an interest on and on lately, but I can just tell time is not right for her.

Best thing to do is put yourself in situations where it is possible to meet someone. When the right person come along, it comes naturally.

Good luck. :)

[MajorChode]

12. One word: online dating service

[Deja Q]

14. Four words: You must be joking

Looking for a fuck or a mindfucker - that's all the sites offer. Speak upfront honestly and you're either ignored, responded to by somebody who clearly didn't read one syllable of your advert, or asked impertinent questions - possibly because that person had dealt with a mindfucker in the past too.

[MajorChode]

21. Hogwash

Everyone I know who has gotten married recently met their spouse via online dating. If you think giving or getting fucked is "all the sites offer", then you truly have an overly cynical attitude and should keep your opinions to yourself. Certainly there are some truly screwed up people who go to online dating sites, but the alternatives like bars and churches are far worse. There are no 100% guarantees in life, and trying, even if it involves some failure, is better than not trying.

And what's your advice? Stay home and get a hobby? Relationships are all about sex? What a sad little world you live in. The person that screwed you up must have been pretty good at it, but you shouldn't assume everyone is that way because that's ain't the way it is.

[blondeatlast]

23. I've just jumped in there with both feet and very low expectations.

I consider it a tool in which I have a lot of control. Just coming off what I though was a great marriage until...; I can take my time about it.

It will certainly be interesting, but for someone who's not done this for a decade and a half, I like the chance to go at my own pace.

Not to the meeting stage yet, but I've encountered some intriguing people. I'm pretty intuitive about things so I think I'll know.

And yes, indeed, I have encountered a few major-league jerks who will not get a response from me at all.

[MajorChode]

27. That's probably the best attitude to have with it

Online dating is certainly not a panacea for all dating woes, but lots of people have found it useful, particularly when the alternative is just sitting around hoping the right person will just drop in your lap.

[Deja Q]

13. Ask me to trust. I will answer with "Show me proof".

It's easy to get on with your life.

It's done alone.

Until you find someone you can trust.

I have, and will continue to, presume you are looking for a relationship and not a "fling".

And one has to be honest upfront. And as society has shown, there is no reward in truth.

There is a lot in life to enjoy. Hobbies, potential career opportunities if this world can repair itself. Sexual relations are of themselves overrated.

Oh, I do have those feelings. I submit that I do indeed repress them; I will not bother their relationships, or they may not be interested. I don't need the repercussions from doing so; neither do they. Or, rather, I accept them and get on with life.

Perhaps I am ill.

Perhaps society is repressing a greater illness. Or perhaps society needs to learn how to repress, out of consideration for the lives of others. (that transcends sexuality too. We may be 'sexual beings' but we are also 'human beings'. I want a human being first and foremost. And if that doesn't happen; there's plenty of life in many other things. Sex isn't my life. It is for some, and that is their problem.

Am I speaking in riddles? Probably. But I'm really speaking on generic terms and using that "S-word" as a surrogate for the generic term.

[crimsonblue]

17. man, what a buzzkill thread...

oh well.

[Fire Walk With Me]

22. I don't know about you, but I'm enjoying some lovely emotional solitude.

It's a good thing.

[buzzycrumbhunger]

18. Intimate? Relationships?

What are these things of which you speak? I got drug 1500 miles from everyone I know for an emotionally abusive relationship it took two decades to break free of, financed only because I managed to train for a job that now has me telecommuting the graveyard shift and more isolated than ever. I'm coming up on four years relationship-free and no sex in at least twice that. Training for a new career that will get me out in the real world again, but it's an infinitely slow process and I feel like I can't even see the horizon yet. Any real transformation seems to hinge on that.

The internet has been both a lifeline to sanity and a source of frustration. The people who mainly connect seem to be other bitter old broads. It's a good thing turning lesbian isn't the choice those fundie retards seem to think because I don't know that I could handle rejection by a whole 'nuther gender.

At this point, I've got so many insecurities, I don't know I'd have a clue what to do if a relationship magically appeared. I think I'd either die of mortification at the thought of baring myself (literally and figuratively) to someone new, or I'd snap the guy in two. Being "master of your domain" for this long probably creates a dangerous build-up of sexual tension. Nope, there is a point where even a stockpile of fresh batteries doesn't take the edge off. :eyes:

I'm not sure it helps a whole lot knowing I fit the profile of a helluva lot of people loitering on the interwebs. . . Maybe a little.

To make things worse, my dog became acutely ill over the weekend and died on me as soon as I got her to the vet yesterday. If I was prone to depression, I think this would be the capper.

[harmonicon]

19. well, I think I see it coming

I've only been single for a few months now, but it's for the first time in a long time. I've had two girlfriends in the last 8 years... the first of those two I'd known for years, so it wasn't like starting from scratch when we started dating. The second one just sort of decided that she was my girlfriend as soon as I was single. In fact, I've never really "dated". I wouldn't know how. I find myself in a really hard situation now, where I'm getting older and find myself less and less in situations where some other type of relationship can turn into a romantic one. Oh well. I'll be alone forever.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

20. I have come to the conclusion that there is no one for me.

I never thought it would end up this way but, here I am...alone and not all that UNhappy about it.

Weird - huh :shrug:

[no name no slogan]

24. How YOU Doin'?

;)

I'm in the same boat, actually.

I got divorced back in 2005. For a couple years, I bounced around from relationship to relationship. I thought that because I didn't have a partner, I was broken, and somehow could never be happy unless I was with someone else.

Eventually, after a lot of heartache and heartbreak (much of it on my part), I decided that I didn't have time, or ability (due to health reasons), to be in a relationship with somebody.

I haven't been on a date in over a year, but I find that I have a lot of friends of the opposite sex. I imagine that, one of these days, I'll find the resolve to actually get involved with somebody again, but right now, it's not a huge priority. I have a lot of other things going on in my life. Plus, now that I'm single and sober, I have tons of spare cash.

Life's alright. Even if my only partner is Rosie and her five sisters.

This is the DU member formerly known as DesperatelySeekingEverybody.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

29. Joey?

Is that you ;)

I have known love. Too bad my love was not either of my husbands. That was my mistake. I would have made the marriages work for while I was not "in" love with them, I did have love "for" them. They categorically and undeniably killed it in splendifourous and scandalstic fashion.

Sick of drama, am I.

Good luck to both of us :pals:

[elleng]

25. I was.

Meet people in Starbucks. Converse about anything and everything.

[Lucian]

26. I'm in a similar boat.

It's been a...few years since I've been in an intimate relationship. It's hard getting back in the game. Sometimes I feel like a nervous teen all over again.

[RedCloud]

28. Do your primate duty!

Others before you did, and by the thousands. Ergo, you! And this is how you repay them?

When I got divorced I found similar thoughts starting to rattle around in my head, but then it occurred to me as I listened to a few ladies bragging about how their previous men regaled them with rings and stuff...

"Gee, I wonder if my ex is bragging about getting the Florida dream home to some new guy..."

A ring versus a house PLUS a much better ring... Inequality abounds.

I had about 15 years living experience. She had off and on which seldom lasted more than an hour or two.

Things are relative. But in general I think most people I meet are crazy about some topic. So don't feel left out. Weirdness goes in both directions.

Things change. We were told our sun would grow old and die killing us in the process. Ha! The joke is on them. With Andromeda bearing down on our galaxy we will get killed way before then. So cheer up!