Asking for thoughts on this Christmas stuff with my family

[erinlough]

in 2007 my mom died in April and on December 15th my father died so this is the first real Christmas without them. For 53 years we had huge Christmases with all the family, about 23 of us, and now everyone is going their own way and do not want to come together for Christmas. I know things change, but this is sad to me. I don't know how to interpret it. Is it too hard for them to be together with all the memories, or is it that they never wanted to be there before and just came for the sake of the folks? I haven't said anything to anyone except for my closest sister, I am just pondering why this is happening. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Lyric]

1. I understand it. The same thing happened with my family

when my grandmother died. We had always spent Christmas with her, and our extended family always met up at her house for dinner and socializing. Now, we're all kind of a patchwork. My *immediate* family still gets together, but I rarely (if ever) see my cousins, Aunts, and Uncles on my Dad's side.

I'm not sure what advice to give, other than the idea of instituting a yearly Christmas Family Reunion, letting everyone know about it months ahead of time, and then constantly mentioning it so nobody forgets. Once the tradition is established (two years in a row ought to do it) then you don't have to worry about people forgetting anymore.

Regardless of anything else--a Merry Christmas to you from MY family.

:hug:

[erinlough]

2. Thanks for responding

and it's nice to know this isn't a unique reaction.


:)

[ThomCat]

3. The same thing happened in my family

with our 4th of July family tradition when my grandmother passed away. We ALWAYS all got together on the 4th, but when my grandmother passed away suddenly nobody gets together and nobody really does anything. :(

It's that way in most families. It's one core person who pulls things together, and everyone goes because that one person pulls them in.

[erinlough]

4. I know what you mean, that core person was my mother

and now we are drifting apart. I can't help but hear her saying, "don't let this happen". I am not the core person she was and I don't want to be honestly. People will have to do what they think is best I guess. Merry Christmas to you.

[madeline_con]

5. It may be several factors...

Too hard for them to be together with all the memories, or some may have only been coming for the folks.

I know every time I think I'd like to stay home on Christmas, I get all guilty feeling how I should go to Mom's while I still have her. I don't really have room for a crowd like she does. I don't know, once Dad was gone nothing was ever the same. :(

Try to look at all the good and have a nice holiday. On the other hand, don't be afraid to sit down and have a good cry. It helps. :hug:

[erinlough]

6. My sister and I were talking about it tonight

and we were remembering that for the last 5 years we were the ones who cleaned and cooked for the family as mom could no longer do it. Many times we would be tired and complain to each other about doing it and then remind each other how it wouldn't always be like this so we should enjoy it. How prophetic that was. I guess it is just more change we have to make. I probably will have that cry sometime in the next week. Thanks and Merry Christmas.

[MorningGlow]

7. I'm afraid I don't have an answer for you

But here's a :hug:

I'm going to be in your situation pretty soon, and I'm keenly aware of it. When I was little, the entire extended family (cousins, cousins, cousins) got together for all the holidays, and my grandparents were the touchstone of the family. Christmas was a madhouse.

When my grandparents passed, everybody pretty much split into their respective nuclear families for holidays, with a bit of crossover. Now that I'm in my 40s and most of the older relatives have died, our Christmases are much, MUCH smaller. (This year is a major event because my brother and his wife and daughter are visiting from California--brings our tally up to a whopping EIGHT people. Quite a change from 30 to 40 people in the past!)

My mom is the center of the family now; when she passes, things are going to be very, very different. My husband comes from a very small family and is perfectly happy staying home for all holidays if I let him, and I can see Christmas in a very quiet house with just him and our son in the future as a very real thing. I don't want that. I fear it. But it's coming.

What's worse is up to about a year ago I belonged to a coven that was like my second family. For many years I trusted that when my "blood" family was gone, I'd still have my coven sisters and our extended family. But then things changed, soured, and I quit the coven. So now I don't even have that to fall back on.

I've been thinking about it a lot recently and have decided to join a UU church when the times comes that I need to go out and find a "family"/community for support and social interaction. Is there some social group you could look into joining to take the place of your extended family?

[erinlough]

8. I still have a sister and her family who want to get together.

Actually my husband and I talked about traveling over the holidays. It sounds weird to me now, but if the destination is tempting enough I could get used to it. Nothing will ever take the place of those wonderful Christmases, but then nothing ever could.

Thanks for the hugs and Merry Christmas.