Have you ever had to fight for the person you love?

[BeachBaby]

It seems that there are alot of books and movies with this type of theme - and I was wondering if this is something that occurs to alot of people in real life.

If you did, what were the circumstances and how did things play out?

[NewJeffCT]

1. Physically fight... no

never been in that situation.

[BeachBaby]

5. No, not physical fighting.

More along the lines of someone loving another so much that they don't give up on them without a "fight".

[NewJeffCT]

6. not really, no

Things got so bad so quickly after I got married to my ex-wife, that it didn't really feel like I was fighting to keep her - it was more like fighting to keep my sanity.

[TZ]

2. .

I think you know my story, so I won't go into details but yes indeed. Including one night where I went nuts and chewed him out on every form of communication I could think of. Instead of ignoring me, he actually came back and went toe to toe with me, which to be honest, shocked the hell out of me--and impressed me. As you know the story isn't resolved yet, but I'm not giving up either...

[NewJeffCT]

3. good luck to you

so, you went nuts on him, and it was better that he stood up to you & fought back, instead of either ignoring you, taking it, or apologizing.

(sorry, I haven't followed your story in the Lounge)

[TZ]

4. I've kind of been reluctant to discuss this publically

because it involves someone who occaisionally posts here.--But I expected it to be over after that, no more friendship at all. This incident happened about 18 months ago and we are still in contact (if sporadically). Lots of challenges (like I think he only regards me as a friend right now) but potentially very rewarding.

[BeachBaby]

48. ....

[Dr. Strange]

7. I haven't.

In my younger days, if that ever HAD happened, I don't think I would have had the confidence to fight anyway. I probably would have walked away.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

9. i don't think confidence is what makes people fight over others

i think its lack thereof.

of course one wonders, how one would treat someone one had lost out to. that is a much more intriguing question for me.

[dawgmom]

20. As much as I hate to admit it...

...when I was very young, I was actually turned on by having men fight over me. It seems so stupid and neanderthal to me now, but at 20 or 21, it was a huge rush when the guy I was dating punched out a guy he thought was being too "friendly" with me on the dance floor. Now, of course, that whole "Dat be MY woman" ownership thing that it implies (not to mention the role it places the woman in as a damsel who can't handle her own affairs) is a complete turn-off. What can I say? At 20, I suppose I thought it was a demonstration of love and commitment on his part. Ugh. So glad I'm over that.

[Dr. Strange]

29. I can understand being turned on that.

It just sounds like you've matured now.

Which means, of course, that I'll have to be putting you on my Ignore list.

[dawgmom]

35. But if you do that...

....you will never know when the day comes that I will actually post a picture of boobies, real boobies, just for you. It will be my last act of defiance, you see, before I go out in a blaze of glory. Actual boobies, perky, firm rose-tipped boobies, with areolas a sort of baby-pink blush color -- probably a gif of them swaying softly, bouncing just a little bit.

OK, I'll wait right here, until you're finished you come back.

[TZ]

36. BWAH!

DuStrange to Mr. Coffees bunk in 3-2-1.....

[Dr. Strange]

38. MrCoffee changed the lock on the door.

[Oeditpus Rex]

49. You realize you've just killed at least a dozen guys?

[dawgmom]

52. Probably good, then, that I left off that bit about....

...soap suds and beads of water, huh?

[Oeditpus Rex]

56. And baby oil, yeah

Oops.

[dawgmom]

60. I'm beginning to get worried about DUStrange

He hasn't come back yet. You don't suppose he's had a stroke or something?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OK, now I'm just asking for it.....
This thread is doomed.

[Oeditpus Rex]

61. I suppose he's had

several.

[TZ]

62. .

*adds Oedi to list of known lounge pevs*

[Oeditpus Rex]

64. It took you this long?

Heebus, woman! Pay attention!

[TZ]

66. I must have been distracted by the baseball thing!

[Oeditpus Rex]

67. This one?

[TZ]

70. .

[dawgmom]

71. I'll have a cupful of that, please. nt

[Dr. Strange]

73. How can someone wear a cup so SMALL?

[Dr. Strange]

65. Stroke's the word!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLHc-yIAPbg

[dawgmom]

69. I truly, truly, truly LOVE that song

Seriously, it's in my list of best songs ever. There are just songs that have such a heavy, driving beat, they just capture you.
There's a song from my youth that hardly ever gets played on the radio, same kind of thing. The repetitive rif in it just gets to me.
"Sledgehammer" -- Bachmann Turner Overdrive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3k-jhu6zUE

[La Lioness Priyanka]

8. i dont think its a good idea. it sounds better than it is.

if the person is that conflicted about whether or not they love you and whether you deserve their full attention, love and consideration, there is a power disparity that seems rather impossible to overcome.

i am a big fan of having very little power disparities in relationships

[Dangerously Amused]

10. "Fighting" for someone you love is, imo, driven by immaturity and insecurity.

And too much of it may be a manifestation of mental illness. (ie "Fatal Attraction")

You can't make people love you. If they want to be with you they will, and they will find a way to do it come Hell or high water. If they don't want to be with you they won't, and they will find many excuses that keep you apart.

"Fighting" for someone who doesn't want to be with you is counterproductive and pointless. Unless that person is also immature/insecure, then s/he may find the ongoing declarations of loyalty and love an ego boost and keep subtly leading "the fighter" on. I've seen that happen, too.

None of this is to say that you shouldn't reach out to those you care about, and support them through difficult times. That's different. But taking an offensive/aggressive position and "fighting" for them? That's just foolish.

Bottom line: If someone isn't treating you with the respect you think they should, take the hint and move on.

[PeaceNikki]

11. What she said.

You're a wise woman, DA.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. thats exactly what i meant, but much better stated. nt

[BeachBaby]

13. Maybe I'm using the wrong term. I'm not sure though.

"The Bridges of Madison County" was on TV last night. In case you never saw it, it's a story about a woman (Meryl Streep) in a loveless marriage. Her husband and kids go away for a few days, leaving her alone at her house. A freelance photographer (Clint Eastwood) stops by her house, asking for directions.

Long story short, they fell in love and spent several fabulous days together. He loved her and wanted her to be with him. She loved him, but because of "obligations", she wouldn't leave her husband. There is a scene where Eastwood pleads with her to not throw something this beautiful away, all for the sake of "obligation and appearances"; after all, she wasn't happy with her marriage. She came close - even packed her bags - but her fear held her back from going with him.

So he doesn't get through to her, until it's too late (she later goes to locate him, but no one knows where he is).

And she was never the same after that. Even her husband, at the end of the movie, mentions that he knows he never gave her the true happiness that she deserved - but that she was a "good wife and mother".

I guess that's what I mean by "fighting" for the one you love.....Eastwood tried to make her see something that she kept trying to ignore. And it ate her alive for the rest of her life.

[Schema Thing]

14. He was a traveling photographer - he had a woman in every port

that he loved and wanted only to be with him.


:-D

[BeachBaby]

16. .......

Not true - that movie is truly a heartbreaker.

[Schema Thing]

26. heh

I was in a marriage in which I knew my wife was not actively in love with me, and I *hated* that movie when it came out. I was also a fundamentalist Christian at the time, so that didn't help.


I need to see it now, with fresh eyes. lol, I may still not like it. It's like I suspect that the book is just a Harlequin romance novel that somehow bust out of it's genre by virtue of not having a swordfight ~

[skygazer]

27. I don't know - I think many of the things that eat one alive are things you LET eat you alive

First of all, it's just a movie and a lame-ass one at that. But if it was a real-life story, I'd feel the same way.

People say they "can't help" falling in love - yes you can. If you're married and have kids to whom you have a responsibility, you need to be mature enough not to fall all over the first freelance photographer who gets lost in the neighborhood. And if you make the decision to stand by your responsibilities, you need to be mature enough to just get on with life and not moon about the past for the next 50 years.

That doesn't mean I think divorce should be illegal - it means that divorce or separation should be based on the relationship that is unhappy, not the one you want to jump into.

[Schema Thing]

39. lol. thank you.

[Marrah_G]

19. It's a hard lesson learned by most at some point in their lives.

[Guava Jelly]

22. Well look at you

making all kinds of sense..
"You can't make people love you. If they want to be with you they will, and they will find a way to do it come Hell or high water. If they don't want to be with you they won't, and they will find many excuses that keep you apart."
Well said!
You end up pushing them away anyhow I have found.

[dawgmom]

25. Yup.

Too many people think love is like the movies.
My own response to this question was along the same lines as yours:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

[dawgmom]

15. Fight FOR, or fight?

Without going into a lot of bloody details, because I usually prefer to keep my private life private: I recently reconciled with my husband after a separation of nearly two years. Every relationship is different, but in our case, I chose not to fight for him, and my instincts were correct. My disinterest, I firmly believe, is what eventually brought him back. Bottom line is, if a man isn't with you, it's like that old saying: "He's just not really that into you." No amount of hysterics or drama are going to change that for him. He's got to eventually come to the realization on his own that he's better off with you, than without you.

And of course, I've got the magic pu**y.

[BeachBaby]

17. *Note to self.....

Place dawgmom on my list of "do not drink beverages while reading her posts"



Damn, girl - you just about owed me a new keyboard.

[dawgmom]

21. Ooops...sorry about that.

Just felt I needed to lighten the moment, after getting all serious. *grin*

[Dr. Strange]

30. I'm confused.

How does magic putty help?

[dawgmom]

32. Puppy, of course

I kept his favorite dawg.

What did you think I meant?

[Dr. Strange]

33. Okay, I get it now.

Yeah, magic putty, that just wasn't making sense.

[TZ]

34. Psst..."Meow"!!!

[Dr. Strange]

37. Catfight?

Somebody get the jello ready!

[BeachBaby]

47. I can't leave you alone for one minute, can I.

[Dr. Strange]

57. You can.

But there's a heavy price to be paid when you do.

[BeachBaby]

58. Hubba.

That. Is. All.

[Marrah_G]

18. I found it was a losing battle

If they want to go, then there isn't anything you can do about it. You just end up in a worse place mentally.

Real life isn't like the movies. That's why we go to the movies and read books.

There is no Cinderella, there is no Prince Charming.

I fought for love once. Doing so really messed me up. I will never do it again.

I'd tell you the story but it is still painful all these years later.

[1gobluedem]

23. I fought to save a relationship others thought was doomed

And I'm glad I did.

[skygazer]

24. I once had a guy who wanted me to - literally

He had an ex he was still friends with (she had kids who he was close to) and I was to meet him at her house one day. I walked in to find her sitting in his lap.

I said, mildly, "What's all this?" and she said, "He's staying with me!"

So I asked him, "Is this what you want?" and he replied, "Well, that's between the two of you."



So I said, "Okay, good luck to you both" and left.




When I heard they were getting married a year or so later, I sent her a sympathy card.



If I have to fight to keep someone, they are probably not someone worth keeping, imo.

[Dora]

28. I'll resort to ye olde Khalil Gilbran:

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were.

--

I had an opportunity to "fight" for a relationship, but I decided not to resist what he was asking for (to end the relationship). Of course I was pissed, but I didn't want to be with someone who obviously did not want to be with me. Less than three months later he came back. But that was enough time for me to understand that I was better off without him.

I once ended a relationship after several years. He "fought" for the relationship, and we ultimately married and are still together.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

31. you mean by overcoming obstacles, personal hardships, insurmountable

odds....search the world over, type of thing?

[BeachBaby]

42. "Overcoming obstacles and personal hardships"

YES. You described it much better than I did.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

43. then Yes, I have done this...however no One has ever done it for me.

That is why you can stick a fork in me because I am done. Done with it.

[BeachBaby]

45. Oh, girl.

Can I give you one of these?

And believe me - I know of what you speak.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

74. for you (perhaps you have heard it)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLMYlnp84n0

There's a new star in my sky
There's a new song in my life
Some may take love casually
But I know what it's worth to me
I would cound the steps from here to heaven
Every heartache I was given
Tip my hat and walk through fire
To find sure love
I would chase old ghosts and watch them scatter
Drop old dreams and watch them shatter
Lose myself and all I own
To find sure love
To find sure love
I wake up and she is there
And for a moment I just stare
For the sake of love this true
There is nothing I won't do
I would count the steps from here to heaven
Every heartache I was given
Tip my hat and walk through fire
To find sure love
I would chase old ghosts and watch them scatter
Drop old dreams and watch them shatter
Lose myself and all I own
To find sure love
So may take love casually
But I know what it's worth to me
I would count the steps from here to heaven
Every heartache I was given
Tip my hat and walk through fire
To find sure love
I would chase old ghosts and watch them scatter
Drop old dreams and watch them shatter
Lose myself and all I own
To find sure love
To find sure love
Oh, to find sure love

[El Fuego]

40. Any relationship you have to fight for is probably going to be a bad one, IMO.

[LynneSin]

41. Just the other day I was holding on tight to the one I love while floating in an icy ocean

but damnit, I didn't fight hard enough

[billyskank]

44. I wouldn't have the gumption.

I would start out on the assumption that I would lose, and not bother.

[BeachBaby]

46. You sound JUST. LIKE. ME.

I'm always assuming the worst, and I run run run.

[billyskank]

50. Heh.

But in your case, I'd be pretty sure your instincts are dead wrong.

[mainegreen]

51. Yup. I lost. Then I met someone better.

[crispini]

53. This thread is making me think of Trollope...

but I guess that's because I'm currently watching "The Pallisers" on DVD. Anyway, similar to what you describe in the thread, the wife marries a guy who she doesn't love because it's the socially correct thing to do, and she leaves behind the handsome, charming ne'er-do-well who really does love her. There really is sort of a "fight" over her after she's married -- because she still loves the ne'er-do-well, who is trying to persuade her to run away with him. But her husband loves her too. In the end she chooses to stay with her husband, but it later becomes clear she doesn't regret her choice, although she still loves the ne'er-do-well at some level.

Anyway, I don't know if this kind of thing happens in real life, but you're right, it does seem to be kind of a common theme.

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

54. Yes, I fought and I thought I had lost... then I won!

In my early 20s, I met this terrific guy. We hit it off on all levels. Turns out he was seeing someone else, but wasn't happy with this person whom he had known for a few years. He was younger than me on many levels, including age. He decided to stick with her - the known quantity - instead of me (he also thought that all I wanted was a green card). I sat him down, pleading with him to understand how perfect we were for one another. I fought hard... and I lost. It was the most heartbreaking break-up in my life and it affected me for 12 whole years... during which, this person and I corresponded infrequently on friendly terms. Well, lo and behold, about a year and a half ago, he and I reunited. He has finally realized we are perfect for each other; I finally realized I can't be happy without him. Our love story has lasted 13 years and now we live together happily. I can't imagine this would have been such a happy ending had I not fought for him and made my case 13 years ago.

[fizzgig]

55. yup

when i was 15. it wasn't just puppy love, i really did love him and it was so hard for me to let go. but, in the end, i realized it was pointless to fight for him to stay because i knew it was never going to happen.

i don't know that it would have lasted long anyway, because we were so young, but i wanted more time with him than i got

[JVS]

59. No. I don't love anyone!

[KamaAina]

63. All the time.

The person I love is, by default, me. And I was frequently the target of schoolyard bullies, etc.

[pitohui]

68. well i'm not really large enough but...

i had to play the pit bull once and stop another man from assaulting my husband

husband was clueless, thought they were just having a spirited discussion, but i was warned that this person had a history of picking fights at parties and when i was unable to pull the hubby away, i had no choice but to stay close and jump between them when the creep tried to punch him

the penalties for hitting an un-armed woman, un-provoked, are much more challenging than for hitting a man, at least in this state, so when i did that, the creep quickly pulled his punch and slunk off in disgrace...

they won't make a movie of the week of it, but that's probably as far as my physical capacity to win a fight can go

these days if i whisper in hubby's ear, "this is a real bad guy, let's go," he listens!

as far as "fighting" to impress or win over a person, no, i don't do that, they can take me as i am or get the hell out of my way, there are plenty of fish in the sea, might as well pick one that i fit with naturally

[SOteric]

72. Fight for love? - Is that an oxymoron?

I'm more than willing to hang in there patiently, and I'm known to tolerate much in the way of rapscallion behaviour. But if a fella doesn't think he loves me, I'm willing to take him at his word.

[RandomThoughts]

75. You can fight with kindness.

"I say fight, you take it as if I gonna whip someones ass, its all what you interpret it as." Eminem

[Danger Mouse]

76. Of course not. Books and movies are just romantic sentimental garbage.

[pokerfan]

77. The last two months of my mother's life

I was constantly fighting the nursing home.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

78. I've done it (not physically, but strategically) but never successfully

Now my attitude is that if the person has to be "fought for," there's no potential for the relationship.

[davsand]

79. I've hung in there when he had problems, if that it what you mean.

I call that loyalty and I think it should be part and parcel of being married and/or loving somebody. To me, love IS about being there for the good and the bad times both.

I have never "fought" for anyone in my life if you mean competing for attention and time. I always figured they either wanted to be there or they didn't--and there was nothing I was gonna do to change that. I also have always been real upfront about the idea that if you want somebody else more than you want me, then don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

I am nothing if not blunt.

As for physically fighting for someone, nope, never did that either. When I met Kevsand I was going to dojo about three days a week and I enjoyed it. I told him martial arts were a hobby of mine and asked him if it "bothered" him (because it really does freak out some men, I had discovered.) I had zero intention of quitting--but it was a good way for me to gage how interested I might be in this new guy.

His response was classic Kev, "I'm good with that. At least I'll never have to defend your honor in a bar room fight and you can cover my back if I ever get in one."

We've been together 15 years.



Laura