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My asshole of a father is coming home for christmas.

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ccharles000 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 03:43 AM
Original message
My asshole of a father is coming home for christmas.
Edited on Fri Dec-05-08 03:46 AM by ccharles000
My dad is living in SC and I have not seen him in a year(thank god). So he called and told my sis (who for some reason still loves him)that he is coming for christmas. This is a man that use to beat my mom and half brother he still does crack and is a major alcoholic. He manipulates people and trys to make you feel sorry for him. Last time he was here he called my mom a dirty bitch because she would not give him a kiss. I am not a person who likes fighting(I have never been in one) but I could have killed him. I have no idea why he is dragging his sorry ass to NC for christmas.
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MissHoneychurch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 03:48 AM
Response to Original message
1. Oh, that sucks
at who's place is Christmas celebrated? Because if it is your or your mom's place you could un-invite him. Oh wait, he invited himself?????
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ccharles000 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 03:51 AM
Response to Reply #1
2. ...
Edited on Fri Dec-05-08 03:52 AM by ccharles000
My mom won't say no to his coming because that would upset my sister. My sister knows what he did and how he is but still says she is a daddys girl.
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MissHoneychurch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 03:54 AM
Response to Reply #2
3. So your sister is more important
than anyone else in your family? I don't know your sis, I don't know your relationship with her. But why isn't she going to see your father instead?
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ccharles000 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 03:58 AM
Response to Reply #3
4. ...
My sister is only 17 and my mom would rather my dad come to see her that the other way around. I have a good relationship with her she just loves dad so much that he can do no wrong.
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MissHoneychurch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:00 AM
Response to Reply #4
5. OK
thanks for the explanation. Sounds like a no-win situation for you and your mom :hug:
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Arkansas Granny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 09:17 AM
Response to Reply #4
22. I know it's hard for you to understand your sister's feelings about your dad,
but sometimes people want someone to be a good person so badly that they will do anything to pretend that they are. They will make excuses for their bad behavior or just ignore it all together in the hope that the person they love will "change" and become the person they need for them to be.

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Archae Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:02 AM
Response to Original message
6. If it was me....
I would lay down the law, and say "If that son of bitch comes, I will not."

I had an uncle who was like that in a way, but he drank to excess.

Finally, I told my paretns "If uncle Johnny comes for Christmas, I won't."
My parents tried giving me the guilt trip, I said "Last year he got plowed and destroyed 2 cars."
"If you don't like it that I don't want that drunken asshole here, then kiss my ass."

Uncle Johnny never showed anyway, he got busted for drunken driving and spent Christmas in the drunk tank.

He called my parents trying to get them to bail him out, they refused.

Uncle Johnny ended up drinking himself to death.
And funny thing, even my Dad, (his brother,) didn't go to the funeral.
In fact, no one did.
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Indi Guy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:13 AM
Response to Original message
7. Like it or not - he tried to make you his parent. Good for you for not not taking the bait...
You have power here. If Christmas is not at your home, refuse to attend & let everyone know why. Your sis will forgive you down the road.

Is your family's Christmas happening in your home?
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ccharles000 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:16 AM
Response to Reply #7
8. ...
Yes I am 19 and have yet to move out (but will soon).
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Indi Guy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:21 AM
Response to Reply #8
10. I'm with you - let me think this through...
KK?
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Indi Guy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:50 AM
Response to Reply #8
13. Your "father" is a link in a chain of abuse...
He has a choice whether to continue down this destructive path, or to be a man (my guess is that he's too immature to become a man right now).

You are also a link in this chain. You deserved love and protection from your parents. You were hurt by the very people who were supposed to protect you. You got screwed. It was not fair.

You are forced to growup too fast, because your parents didn't do their parental jobs.

If they're forcing you to be the strong one here -- go ahead & do it. Tell them that you will spend Christmas by yourself & be prepared to do it. You're 19. You can rent a hotel room & have Christmas dinner in a restaurant, rather than deal with having your abusive dad at the same table.

Yeah it would be lonely; but I'd rather be lonely by my self, than lonely in a crowd.

The message you send by your absence will have long lasting results. Your presence will never be taken for granted again.

Everyone has a right to outs.
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pitohui Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 08:36 PM
Response to Reply #13
30. i hate to say it but i sort of second this advice
Edited on Fri Dec-05-08 08:37 PM by pitohui
i realize it's tough for a 19 yr old and you may not be able to do this for financial reasons

can you ask around and get invited to a friend's house for xmas? honestly since you are of age, i would be tempted to invite you but i'm too far away and i'm sure you would rather be w. kids your own age rather than old fogeys like us anyways!

i don't care if it is your dad, i don't think you should be forced to spend xmas w. a crack user, if he was trying to get clean it would be different but if he isn't even trying, fuck him, i just won't be around them any more

i say ask around and DON'T BE SHY, the first rule of xmas as a single adult is DON'T BE SHY to ask yourself somewhere because a lot of times people don't realize you need a place to spend xmas


if you belong to a church group you should ask around to see if there is a xmas get together for younger people there -- even if the event is not on xmas it gives you "networking" and you may end up talking to a friendly peer who can offer you a place to stay

hell considering the economy and the deals out there i'd almost say fly to vegas but you really have to be 21 for vegas


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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:19 AM
Response to Original message
9. Sorry, honey this is terrible.
:cry: I wish I could give some advice, but I got nothing. :hug: :hug:
Just don't be afraid to call the police if things get really nasty. :hug:
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LeftyMom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:42 AM
Response to Original message
11. Can you find yourself some alternate plans?
"Whoops, I got roped into working that day. Oh well, I can use the time and a half" or "I got invited to go with some friend's family to someplace cool" or "I volunteered to help out down at the shelter, they're doing a toy drive and they needed people" are all less likely to cause conflict than "I don't want to be here while he is" even if everybody knows that's what you really mean.
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ccharles000 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:50 AM
Response to Reply #11
12. ...
I guess I could but he will be here for at least 2 weeks so I am going to see him some time. That is how he is he shows up and does not leave for a while.
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LeftyMom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:54 AM
Response to Reply #12
14. Oh dear.
That just sounds like drama waiting to happen.

Best thing you can probably do is find an excuse to be busy for as much of that time as possible. Overtime, school project, volunteer commitment, needy sick friend, whatever you can.

Try to arrange for a friend you can stay with for a few days if things get too tense, if you can manage it.
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Indi Guy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 04:58 AM
Response to Reply #12
15. Do you have the money to stay in a hotel while he's here?
Edited on Fri Dec-05-08 05:00 AM by Indi Guy
(Please scroll up & see my previous post.) #13
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ccharles000 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 05:02 AM
Response to Reply #15
16. ...
I don't think I will have to because he will not sleep in the house. My mom would never allow it. I will be ok he won't be in Greensboro forever.
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Indi Guy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 05:25 AM
Response to Reply #16
18. Understood...
Just know that you are right in the knowledge that you deserved better.

You know what it's like to be abused. I was abused also. We all have a choice. We can hold resentment close to our hearts (I did this); or we can choose to not let our resentments spill over & make us act like the parents who let us down.



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ColbertWatcher Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 05:05 AM
Response to Original message
17. Two weeks! What a mess! I can't give any better advice than what was posted in #13.
Your presence will never be taken for granted again.


Excellent advice.

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Callalily Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 06:08 AM
Response to Original message
19. Sending you hugs and
strength. Unfortunately it appears that somewhere along the line you'll have to interact with your father during his visit. Make it as brief as possible, and as un-confrontational as possible. In other words, please take the high road. You'll feel better about yourself, and you are the important one in this mix.

Good luck.

:hug: :hug: :hug:
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Indi Guy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 06:42 AM
Response to Reply #19
20. You make some good points here...
Ideally, this young woman shouldn't have to deal with her father at all.

But if she chooses (and it is her choice) to be present at the same table, she'd be wise to follow your advice and take the high road by being relaxed and cordial -- leaving no opening for past drama to drag everyone into the sordid past.
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LiberalEsto Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 08:43 AM
Response to Original message
21. Sounds like Nar-Anon might be helpful for you
Your situation sounds hellish.

When I learned my younger brother was a crack addict, I turned to Nar-Anon and later, Co-Dependents Anonymous for a while. The support and information I received helped me immensely.

Drug and alcohol addiction is a family disease, in the sense that it seriously injures the family of the addict. It sounds like you, your mom and your sister are all wounded in different ways. You deserve to have the support and help of others who have been there.

If this sounds like something you think would help, here's a local Nar-Anon meeting I found via Google.

Greensboro
Tuesday 8:00 PM
St. Johns United Methodist Church
1304 Merritt Dr.
(336) 617-7150

Good luck, and keep posting so we can continue offering our support to you.

LibE
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 09:44 AM
Response to Reply #21
24. Good advice for the whole family...
Maybe you all can go together, so you can find strength in solidarity.

We're here for you too, CCharles000 :hug: :hug: :hug:
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ccharles000 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 12:10 PM
Response to Reply #21
25. Thanks for the info.
I will check it out.
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lunatica Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 09:38 AM
Response to Original message
23. 2 weeks is plenty of time for your sister to see the truth about him
Edited on Fri Dec-05-08 09:44 AM by lunatica
Sometimes all you have to do is be the observer if you can. Your situation is one of those lose-lose ones where the cause of the misery is determined to continue being the cause. Drunks are like that. It's not the drinking that does it because the problem is there before the drinking ever started. The drinking just makes it obvious.

Your sister will have the opportunity to see him in action. She will hear from his mouth the fowl things he'll say to your mom, and in two weeks time he may even be verbally abusive to her too. Chances are good that she'll say something that will make him turn on her. Your best action is to be there for your sister and your mom. If you think of it that way then you won't be victimized, nor will you defect on them.

Be the bigger man just on principle for the benefit of those in family who you care about. Your entire family could benefit from it. Just be the bigger man who refuses to resort to hurting everyone in order to be noticed. Your sister and mom will be the ones who get the most benefit. Break the pattern of abuse by refusing to be part of it. How you refuse to be part of it is by making decisions as you go. There is proactive which is making up your mind not to be dragged into the usual fights, and there is reactive which is making decisions in the heat of the moment. But whatever you do don't beat up on yourself or your sister and mom.

Remember it's only two weeks.

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Bertha Venation Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 02:19 PM
Response to Original message
26. Try to stay away from him and ignore him.
Good luck, sweetie. :hug:
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motely36 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 02:22 PM
Response to Original message
27. Hope things work out ok
I guess I am lucky, my father killed himself 20 years ago, so I no longer have to deal with him. I felt about him like you feel about your father and my brother thought he was great. :hug:
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ccharles000 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 07:09 PM
Response to Reply #27
28. ...
:hug:
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applegrove Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-05-08 08:27 PM
Response to Original message
29. Sounds really awful. Maybe if your mom refused to invite him over for xmas
he wouldn't come. Not if he has to rent a room and do all the work himself. I don't know what to say really. It sucks!
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