Update on Me, for a change....

[bicentennial_baby]

Hi everybody. I'm still alive, or something like that.

I'm not really doing that well, to be honest. I can't imagine how much more exhausted I can get. Sleep does nothing for me. I'm not eating enough. Dehydrated. Probably drinking too much. Eh...

I went into the city tonight for my Collective meeting. It was good to get out of the house, and to see my co-workers. They were really wonderful to me, and tried to relieve me of my duties (I'm on an editorial committee for our March/April magazine issue), and tried to prevent me from taking on more work (1-2 hours next week of fact checking). I told them that it's fine, and I need *something* in my life that doesn't involve hospitals, paperwork, bureaucracy, etc. They understood. I also got a lot of hugs.

On the brighter side, I am leaving to go home on Monday morning for 4 days. Home to my bedroom, home to walk my dog, home to meet up with former Professors that I haven't seen in 2 years for coffee. Home to silence and starry night sky.

I had a really horrific panic attack today. There are moments when I think that the thread I'm hanging on by is going to snap, but in the end, I have to keep moving forward. There's really no other choice. I will take my friend Chris' suggestion though: Less Internet, more reading novels. Also, I'm winding up a bunch of beautiful yarn for a lace shawl project I'm starting tomorrow.

So there it is. Today I ate a banana, a veggie burrito, and a clementine. Oh, and some Chocolate.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear bi_baby...

Looks to me as though you're doing exactly what you should be doing!

Enjoy your time at home...Silence and starry night sky should be very restorative...

I hope they are, sweetie...

[LeftyMom]

2. You sound better than you have previously.

I hope that you're feeling less stressed.

[bicentennial_baby]

3. Funny, b/c I feel worse...lol

I think it's the exhaustion taking its toll. The stress isn't a whole lot better, but being out of school and going home soon is helping. I really need to start taking better care of myself. I'm thankful that I didn't crash the car during my panic attack. Jeez louise.

I'll make it through, I always do. Plus, I'll have an awesomely tragic personal essay when I apply to the MIT PhD program.

[swimboy]

4. It came into my head to look for you.

I haven't been on-line to speak of. Real life has gotten demanding. But it did pop into my head a minute ago to check and see how you were. I hope a break from school and a trip home will help you recharge. Take good care of yourself. If there's other stuff going on, I hope that all works out too. I sure wish you the best.

[bicentennial_baby]

6. Oh jeez babe, you have no idea...

Short story, the last 3 weeks have been hell on earth. Mom in hospital with blood clots on brain, Mom gets put on feeding tube, fighting to keep Mom out of a nursing home.

HELL.

I left school early. Taking Incompletes in my classes.

But, I am SO happy to see you!

[ScreamingMeemie]

5. I was just thinking about you and hoping things were going well.

I'm sorry to hear that they haven't been. Please take good care of yourself.

[bicentennial_baby]

7. It's all relative, my love

Could always be worse, could always be better, no?

I love you, L.

[Fleshdancer]

8. You're in my thoughts love

If I could take on some of your stress, I would. I'm so sorry your life is so hard right now.

[bicentennial_baby]

9. Thank you, Fleshdance

I'll make it, one way or another. I'm convinced that something has to give one of these days. It just has to.

[crim son]

10. Panic attack. Have you tried yoga, or active meditation?

I'm sorry for the hell you've been going through; you've been brave. When you cannot influence the cause, sometimes you can have some control over symptoms. Yoga was a miracle for me with my panic attacks and depression when I was younger. Just meditation is a wonderful tool.

Please take care of yourself.

[ThomCat]

11. I hope things improve from here.