Can you love someone if you cheat on them?

[begin_within]

I'm not in a relationship so this is not about me at all. This question came up today on another forum I visit, and the answers there are varied and interesting. I'm just curious to see what DUers think.

[Haole Girl]

1. That's a good question

There are so many forms of love, I would imagine so. So, I would say, yes.

[BlueJazz]

2. Without going into a lot of Yak-Yak ..About 98% NO.

[Orrex]

3. Sure, if you're cheating on them with their clone

Otherwise, love has taken a back seat to something else, though what the something else might be will vary from case to case.

[coyotespaw]

39. Really, though...

How often does that happen to guys not named Scott Summers?

[Orrex]

43. X-Geek.

:evilgrin:

[mcctatas]

4. I think so...

monogamy is actually a social aberration across cultures and time.

[old mark]

5. I guess it varies.

I have not ever cheated on my wife of nearly 16 years. I have had opportunities, but never did.

mark

[Oeditpus Rex]

6. Apparently not enough to not risk hurting them

[Pale Blue Dot]

7. Yes. But it's also a sign that something important is missing.

Those who think that most "normal" people can only love one person at a time are ignoring biology and psychology.

[TZ]

37. I agree.

But I think two types of cheating exist..physical cheating and emotional cheating (ie affairs of the heart, no physical involvement). I actually think that a physical affair while, a sign of trouble is LESS damaging than an affair of the heart..that suggests that emotional needs aren't being met in a relationship and that IS a very bad thing and usually destructive to a relationship.

[Chemical Bill]

8. I would say the cheater doesn't love him or herself.

How can you love another if you don't love yourself?

Bill

[begin_within]

10. Excellent point

[Breeze54]

9. Yes.... people cheat for many reasons and probably trust issues but

that doesn't mean they don't love the other person.

It's complicated but from what I've read, men cheat for sex,

women cheat for companionship. There are people I love but I

don't like them all the time. I think that is why there is cheating,

in a nutshell. But i know it's deeper than that.

[Runcible Spoon]

31. both men and women cheat for love and/or companionship.

that women only cheat because they are emotionally starved and men because they are raging hormones is a pretty toxic stereotype. male, female, transgender etc prostitutes will tell you that a lot of men cheat for emotional reasons; or course sex is inextricably linked to emotional closeness for both men and women. I know you said it was more complicated than that, but I do hate that stereotype.

[redqueen]

11. There are many different kinds of love...

and many different ways of loving.

Whether or not romantic love can exist when one or both partners is "cheating" (that's a loaded word for it, btw - not sure if you meant to imply it's done behind the other's back), is up to those two partners (BOTH of them) and no one else.

For me, personally, no. If I'm in love with someone, they're all I want.


If you're really only talking about claiming to love one person, but screwing around behind their back, then no. The kind of person who does that has no idea what love is.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

12. No

It's the ultimate disrespect.

[Debi]

16. haruka!!

:hug: :loveya: :hug:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

21. TROPHY WIVES UNITE!

I was wondering where the hell you've been.

:hug: :loveya:

[Debi]

23. Facebook...I'm addicted...so sorry!

Lost told me you were allowed back in to the DU clique I just hadn't seen you!

:bounce:

Guess I'll need to spend some more time here in The Lounge. O8)

[LostinVA]

32. Check PM

[Debi]

38. I did...hook me up girlfriend!!

:loveya:

[Schema Thing]

13. Define "love".

[Iggo]

14. Yes.

You're just not very good at it.

[LeftyMom]

15. Cheating doesn't mean you're not in love. It means you're a douchebag. nt

[Tangerine LaBamba]

17. My ex-husband thought so

He was wrong.

[AlCzervik]

18. maybe the better question is-How can you cheat on someone you love?

either way i don't have the answer but i'd be beyond hurt and there would be no trust left and trust is something imo you cannot get back.

[bigwillq]

19. Yes (nt)

[Debi]

20. Being faithful is showing love n.t

[JVS]

22. Sure, but it doesn't speak too highly of the value of being loved by you

[billyskank]

24. You've already presupposed the answer by calling it cheating.

[Callalily]

25. Cheating is an irresponsible

selfish act - plain and simple. So my answer is no.

[Lyric]

26. Yes and no.

Yes, you can still feel love for your spouse, even if you cheat. But are you SHOWING love, and therefore "loving" them? Most of the time, no.

However, there are exceptions. I once knew a pre-op, closeted, MTF transsexual who really did love the woman she'd married--at least, on a "meeting of the souls" level. But she wasn't physically attracted to her wife, and her sexual needs as a human being were completely unmet, so she had a boyfriend on the side to try and help meet that need for sexual fulfillment. It had taken her years of being an adult and out of the home of her ultra-religious parents before she was even able to acknowledge her own sexuality, much less even think of trying to do something about it. By then, she'd already been married for years and had two kids. I suppose a little sex on the side seemed better than losing the family that she loved. I don't judge. America is so viciously cruel to transsexual people that I am not inclined to lay moral judgement down for whatever sad accommodations they feel they have to make in order to lead happy lives.

Her story had a relatively happy ending; it turns out that the wife was an unacknowledged bisexual, and after an enormous fight and a week's worth of heartfelt revelations and apologies, they came to an agreement to have an "open" marriage, so long as everybody played safe--thus preserving the love relationship that they both valued. The Dad of my trans friend died shortly thereafter (before he ever found out about it,) and Mom decided to be accepting rather than to lose her only child forever and live the rest of her life alone. But most stories like that do NOT end well, and innocent people on both sides end up hurting...badly.

It makes me incredibly sad that our country is such a fucked-up place that anyone ever feels like they have to choose between the love of their family and the ability to live your life as the person you really are.

[SarahB]

27. Going behind the back of your partner is disrespectful and wrong.

Love and sex are two different things. That applies even to those who feel sex is better with love. They are still separate things. I have a huge problem with those who practice non-consensual non-monogamy.

[Deja Q]

28. HELL NO.

My definition states it is not just a lack of love, it is a lack of respect and tolerance for the other person and their human rights.

Risking heartache and disease out of empty lust - guppies and bunny rabbits do that. Humans should know better. Apparently not. Strange how rabbits and bunnies only end up with far more of their kind with none of them apparently itching their private parts until they drop off, but whatever...

[Forkboy]

29. No. If you love someone you don't do that to them.

Anything else is just rationalizations to cover up shitheadedness. And I ain't buying it. :)

[Runcible Spoon]

30. sure. I would venture to say you can love someone and KILL them.

The evolutionary psychology explanation given for why mothers kill their children is that it's often an act of mercy in the POV of the women, who wish to spare their child suffering because they believe the child will not live or prosper.

But back to the OP, sure why not? Monogamy is a social restraint, sex and love are more deeply based in biochemical urges although they too undergo quite a twist in cultural parameters. I don't see why anyone would argue that love and having sex with multiple partners is somehow a mutually exclusive venture for the human mind, given as we are to cognitive dissonance as an important part of staying sane in a world where it is impossible to be 100% consistent. Methinks the people who are arguing that you can't love and cheat at the same time are coming from a place of emotional hurt, and are not taking into account the reality of human nature.

[Danger Mouse]

33. Yes, I think so. That doesn't make it right, though.

:hi:

[skygazer]

34. Depends on your definition of love

I think you can but it's a rotten thing to do.

[Heidi]

35. Yes.

For example, does anyone here doubt that Bill loves Hillary? Human frailty and partners' capacity to forgive very often come into play in situations like the one posed by the OP. I don't condone betrayal, but I also believe that such situations generally aren't a matter of "Yes" or "No" where love is concerned. It's a very personal thing, and not something I would be willing to judge outside my own relationship.

[RetroLounge]

36. Love and Sex are not the same thing...

It's a shitty douchebag thing to do, but it doesn't necessarily negate love...

RL

[trof]

40. Of course you can. Silly question.

[Generic Brad]

41. Define "cheating"

Cheating means different things to different people. Intercourse with another. But there is oral sex. There is cyber sex. There is phone sex. There are close friendships that have no sex involved whatsoever.

And even if we do not define cheating, it is possible to love more than one person simultaneously.

I sound simply horrible. Don't I?

[begin_within]

52. I define it as: violating whatever commitment you made to that person.

[triguy46]

42. No. You never cheat on the one you love. End of story.l

[bridgit]

44. no

[SoCalDem]

45. If you are a self-absorbed person who misunderstands how fidelity is connected to love..

:(

[AngryAmish]

46. Maybe

Say one loves their spouse but they are unable to have a physical relationship.

Sleeping with a nurse in Vegas may be cheating but one could hardly be blamed.

[XemaSab]

47. Yes

n/t

[harmonicon]

48. yes, but it sucks

no one should do it. I've never done so, but I know people who have, and people who've had it done to them. It really sucks. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone else, it ruins a relationship, and sometimes people are able to work through it. All the same, it's not cool, ever. Ever.

[Common Sense Party]

49. What's love got to do, got to do with it?

Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

[Chan790]

50. I would say yes...

I'm strange but I think the French have traditionally the best outlook on this and Americans have one of the worst, most uptight outlooks on this. Sure it's a betrayal, but so is throwing away all the comfortable furniture while your SO is at work because it doesn't match the decor. (and you waited until then because you knew they'd object) So is inviting your parents to move into your house. So is making your SO watch Lifetime or ESPN with you when you know they hate shitty movies or hockey. Those happen all the time and you never hear of people getting divorced over them. (And no...I don't think adultery is a larger betrayal than my ex-gf making me watch college football all day every Saturday for three months a year. Clearly she loved the Scarlet Knights more than me. She went to Rowan, she wasn't even an alumna of Rutgers.)

I remember when Jacques Mitterand died and right there in the front row consoling each other and chatting were his wife and his mistress of 20 years. (Who according to news reports had never met, but each knew of the other one as it had gone unspoken and unmentioned.) Just because you need variety or danger does not mean you don't love your SO. And just because you love someone does not mean you can't love someone else for entirely different reasons or need things from each of them you can't get from the other one.

[SOteric]

51. Whattheheck, -I'm in a philosophical mood.

You’re asking if it’s possible. Sure. You bet. Absolutely. If the question is whether it’s good and right and honourable then ‘Notsomuch.’

Love is an emotion. Infidelity is a behaviour.

Emotions don’t come with a clickie. You can’t stop, play, rewind, eject, slow ‘em down or speed ‘em up. Which is too bad, because things like grief suck and it would be kind of nice to hit eject and then rewind your emotions to a point when you were feeling elated. It just doesn’t work that way. “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds or bends with the remover to remove.”

If you love someone, you love them. No matter what kind of a flake you are, or they are, or you both are. If you’re angry with someone, you’re angry. No matter what kind of a saint you are, or they are, or you both are. You can’t just push a button and stop loving someone because you’re not getting the kind of relationship you want any more than you can push a button and stop being angry just because its not convenient for your partner right now.

Emotions do change, but they do so in their own time and in their own way. You can’t really control or manipulate an emotion, you can only channel it into constructive/destructive and appropriate /inappropriate avenues.

Behaviours on the other hand, are things we can control. If we couldn’t then we’d all be running around stripping down to our skivvies and humping one another’s legs anytime we had a sexual urge. And with the exception of a few drunken frat boys, Parche, and maybe matcom, that just doesn’t happen. So while it’s not really possible to stop being angry just because it’s inconvenient right now, you do get to make some choices about how you’re going to let that anger affect your behaviour.

Most of us will agree that one shouldn’t engage in unfaithful and deceitful behaviours while one is in a monogamous love affair. I’d add that I personally think that it’s absolutely possible, even probable that an individual involved in infidelity could still feel deep and genuine love for their SO. It may not make ‘em much of a prize, but then we’re all flawed. -Resolving the dysfunctional issues in a relationship is for the personal and private exploration of that couple. Well, either that, or the couple could bring their private issues to DU’s Lounge and let a bunch of looney, wisecracking nerds, ½ of whom probably haven’t had a relationship since high school tell them how to fix their marriage. That way we could all have some fun. Rabrrrrrr might even make a special edition of matchgame in their honour.

[Lucian]

53. I think so.

[Shine]

54. If Love=Respect, then no

I guess it all depends on how one defines "love".

In my book love and respect go hand in hand.

Cheating on someone is NOT respectful, therefore it's not love.

[mnhtnbb]

55. Cheating on someone (and I'm going to assume exclusive relationship)

whether married or not, invites lack of trust if the partner finds out. Losing trust can destroy
a relationship. I think that people who cheat--and proclaim love in spite of the cheating--are looking
for a way out of the relationship. I think people who claim love while cheating are not only lying to their partner, but lying to themselves.

All in all, cheating is not about love, it's about something else.

[Blue_In_AK]

56. Yes.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

57. there are as many kinds of love as there are people, so Yes...would I want it?

No.