Need advice for a Mom of a 16 year old daughter who is heading for trouble.

[elocs]

They live in a Chicago suburb and the girl is already in an alternative high school and is at risk of not finishing school. The girl is smitten and thinks she is in love with a 22 year old guy who is pretty much a bum and he lives in the city of Chicago. The age of consent in Illinois is 17, so the daughter cannot even consent to having sex. She has cut school to go be with this guy and has even not come home at night.

The Mom has gone to the Chicago police to get an order of protection to keep this guy away from her daughter and they told her there is nothing they can do if the girl is consenting (in spite of the fact that it is legally statutory rape and is a greater felony because there is more than a 6 year age difference). So she went to the DA and was told the same thing--there was nothing they could do. So she asked a friend to consult her attorney and he also said there is nothing that could be done.

Since the daughter is only 16 and therefore a minor, the Department of Child Service will not allow the Mom to kick the girl out of the house (the girl has assaulted her mother, but charges were not filed--too bad in hindsight). But even though the girl is only 16 the law will not allow the Mom to do what she can to legally protect her daughter even though the law says she should be able to do that. She was told that her only choices are to let her daughter do what she pleases, to come and go as she pleases (they cannot lock her out, that is child abandonment) or to put her into a school where she is virtually a prisoner until she is 18. Quite a dilemma. Also, the daughter is taking medication because she has an impulse control problem (go figure). Given the choice between doing the right thing and the wrong thing she will invariably make a bad choice. She will lie even when it is easier to tell the truth. She has been drug tested and is clean. Ultimately, what does a 22 year old with even half a brain want with a 16 year old? I realize in other parts of the country it is possible to get police and the law to act on things like this, but in Chicago they believe they have more important things to do.

I know there are people here who have probably faced similar situations, so any ideas?

TIA

[harmonicon]

1. maybe some good parenting?

A 16 year old girl doesn't just up and run off to be with a 22 year old at a moment's notice. There has to be some history here. How the hell did the parents ever even allow a situation where these two could meet? You can bitch and moan about the police and the DA all you want, but a 16 year old is a child and the responsibility of the parents.

[leftyclimber]

3. It's amazing the sh*t you run into as a parent.

You can try and try and try, and sometimes a particular kid is more than you can handle, through no fault of your own. Let's not get on the parents without knowing the entire 16-year story. (NB: I'm a Ph.D. student; my brother is a recovering junkie. Both of us are the results of the same parents. Sometimes naivete is more at play than poor parenting -- my folks had no clue what was going on with my brother because they'd never been exposed to the kinds of things he was experiencing, and no point of reference for what to look for. I was the one that intervened. This is not my parents' fault; they simply had no way of knowing. Becuase of this personal situation, I'm willing to cut the parents some slack until there are more data in this case to indicate otherwise.)

To the OP: I'd assume that in Chicago there are a lot of youth resources. Suggest to them that they find a program for at-risk youth that is a known quantity, call them, and ask for advice. If they're not sure, call the nearest Boys' and Girls' Club. Although they deal with younger kids, they do a lot of work with at-risk youth and should have contact information for the appropriate resources to help with an intervention. The intervention itself may end up being more drastic than the parents might expect, FWIW, and may be hurtful for both them and their child, even if it's the best decision for the long run. They need to steel themselves for this.

-lefty, who used to work with at-risk youth (and still does, if you count college freshpeeps)

[ScreamingMeemie]

4. That is, unfortunately, not always the truth...

I know very good, involved parents, with messed up kids. And I hate that this particular view is taken in every single case. Sometimes kids are just going to do what they are going to do.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

12. That's not how it works.

My parents raised my brother & I very well - but at times we messed up pretty bad, because no matter how much a parent "parents" a child, the kid is still their own entity, and they still do things that go against what they have learned as children, growing up. It's not so clear cut as "good parenting, good children, bad parenting, bad children".

[harmonicon]

13. and I'm not saying that this kid is a bad kid

It just seems to me if whatever the parents have been doing that has led to his, maybe they should work on trying something else. People I know, even family members, have been involved with crime and drugs, etc. as teenagers. I'm not saying that it's all the parents' fault - maybe I should not have written "good parenting", but just "parenting". I think a 16 year old is still a child, but a child capable of making some adult decisions. I think some people here had good suggestions, like getting the HPV vaccine and making sure the kid is using birth control. I was having sex and staying out all night when I was 16, but it was with another 16 year old, and we knew to practice safe sex. I don't know how different things would have been if I'd been hanging out with "adults" (though I think a fair number of the people I hung out with and drank with were in their 20's, just not girls I went out with - that would have been creepy). I turned out alright, and no one ever had to call the cops or the DA. I got grounded a few times, but I never did anything that wrong, and I have a great relationship with my parents now. I think if teenagers aren't causing some grief for their parents, something must be a little off, but I also think if things have gotten so out of hand that someone's contacting the DA, some shit really probably has to change at home.

[elocs]

44. The mother is contacting the DA not about her daughter,

but to get a restraining order against the 22 year old to legally keep him away from her daughter. Unfortunately, none of them are interested in helping. The irony is that where I live in Wisconsin she would have a restraining order the same day and the cops would be beating on the 22 year old's door and having a word with him. Here he could very well find himself locked up for statutory rape (she is below the age of consent) and be on his way to spending the rest of his life on the sexual offenders list.

[Deja Q]

39. Well said.

:thumbsup:

[TexasBushwhacker]

2. Let me be blunt

Even with age of consent laws, the bottom line is that mom wants her daughter to quit seeing this guy and no law can make that happen if the girl wants to see him. My advice, make sure the daughter is taking birth control pills (or getting the shot, or the patch), knows how to use a condom and gets the Gardasil vaccine. Sometimes the best you can do is damage control. The only thing that could be worse is if the daughter gets pregnant or gets an STD. I had friends who thought it was really cool to date an older guy until they were around him for a while. Eventually they figured out that the only reason he liked younger girls was because he couldn't cut it with women his own age. Keep her healthy. Keep her unpregnant. Make sure she knows that she can always come home when she comes to her senses, and hopefully she WILL come to her senses.

[riderinthestorm]

8. Yup, at 16 that girl is already doing her own thang

so Mama's only option (short of the boarding school route until she's 18) is to keep loving her and ensure her daughter has the tools to stay healthy until she emotionally grows up.

Some kids just have to take the hard way, no matter their family situation.

At least she's drug free - in my opinion, that's a really big deal. If the OP can, she should try to get the mom to begin seeing the good things about her daughter and focus less on the boyfriend.....

[otherlander]

17. I wish we could reccomend replies.

[LynneSin]

35. I would definately get some sort of long term birth control

Make it a compromise - daughter can date the guy (she'll outgrow him eventually) but she needs a long-term birth control that makes it impossible for her to 'cheat' on. I would definately stress condoms but unfortunately pills & condoms are 2 things that they can both fuck around with to allow themselves to still get pregnant.

They have birth control that can last up to 3 years, which should be plenty of time for the girl to outgrow this phase and impossible for either of them to fuck with it.

http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/long-term-birth-control-new-implants-patches.

[RetroLounge]

5. This is in Chicago?

Have his knee caps broken...

:shrug:

RL

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

7. That's NOT the body part that needs attention.

...

[elocs]

25. "I am not a number, I am a free man!"

I couldn't resist.

[haele]

6. We face it now. If there's other issues, like depression, or psychosis -

Commitment might be an alternative, but teenagers are like alcoholics - they think they know everything, they think you don't know anything, and they have very little self control. Also, even though parents are responsible for their teen's actions, the teens can't be forced to do what needs to be done.

I hate to say it, but there's no way for this girl to come to her senses unless she's shocked into it, and it's probably going to be the guy that does it. Probably when he breaks up, which will happen as soon as he gets tired of her. And then, it's going to be hell. Either the girl will go suicidal or (as our teenager says) turn into the class whore. Ours went suicidal, and is slowly stabilizing from that. She was 15, the predatory jerk was a 21 year old college student that was using his position as a "math tutor" at his old high school to get at the younger girls. So we and a few other parents were able to point out in court he was using a position of authority and trust to victimize younger girls - girls that were in elementary school and middle school when he was in high school to put him in jail for statutory rape.

Unless the mom is willing to take the guy to court for contributing to the delinquency of a minor and/or is willing to have her daughter identified as being mentally incapacitated due to whatever problem she has (bipolar, ADHD, Aspergers?), there's not much she can do except to try and keep the girl from becoming pregnant until she's 18.

I feel for her. It's not easy, and there is no "right way" to handle the problem, especially if the girl doesn't think there's anything wrong with her "choice". If there's a good family therapist that deals with troubled teens, it might be best for the mom to go herself to work her options out. The girl won't want to go - and it probably wouldn't help her anyway, but it might help the mom.

Haele

[Corgigal]

9. a school where she is virtually a prisoner until she is 18

Now wait a minute. My daughter, who was 15 at the time, was dating the wrong type of boys also. She was also doing poorly in our local red state school district and I wasn't impressed with the neighborhood kids. What did I do? I took out a mortgage on our paid for house and found the right school for my daughter. She wasn't an prisoner but she needed to get her act together and remember what school is for..an education.
She went to boarding school in her junior year, and for months it was hard on all of us. Then the school enjoyed her so much, they gave her an 18,000 scholarship for her senior year. This school got her to finally learn math and science. She can go to a college now and it bought her brain two years to mature, in a safe environment without grown men predators or red state cops.

She's not even close to the same child she was when she was in the local high school. It was one of the hardest but best decisions my husband and I ever made when it comes to my daughters future. She made great friends and now has friends all over the U.S. and England.

I would tell your friend...do the hard and expensive thing now. Buy her the time she needs to become an adult and if you want more info please P.M. for the schools name. Sure it was hard for my daughter for awhile but she graduated last weekend and all the kids and teachers were crying and their was real love in the room. It was am amazing tranformation and if you met her today and saw her again two years ago you would know what I'm saying is true. I wish my 18 year old daughter could talk to your friends 16 year old.

Good luck to your friend and her child. It's also nice that you are such a good friend for her to lean on in these trying times.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

15. I know some people who did that with their very bright son

He got in with the wrong crowd, so they sent him to a very academic boarding school where he'd be intellectually challenged and away from kids who told him, "School is for losers."

[elocs]

30. I will PM you later on Wednesday. n/t

[elocs]

10. I've told the Mom for years that the older a child gets,

the more responsible they are for their own choices. She can take her daughter to school, watch her go in the front door and then the girl goes out the back door. She cannot trust when the girl says she is going to the store whether she will take off somewhere else. One of the troubles is that at age 16 the daughter has many of the capabilities of an adult as far as her choices go and where she chooses to go and do. She cannot be kept under control the way she was when she was 12. The Mom is left with having to go to the law to get help for her daughter and they will do nothing, not a restraining order to keep the 22 year old away or even to have him arrested for contributing to a delinquency of a minor.

I have known the Mom for many years now and she anguishes over whether she has been a good mother (the father walked out many years ago). I have told her that her questioning that means that she is a good parent. People who are bad or poor parents never question whether or not they are good parents--they are usually convinced that they are. You can only do what you can do and hindsight is 20/20. This woman has been a good parent and I know she has done the best that she can. She was in tears when she told me how she has tried to get the police to help her daughter, how much she loves her, how much she would do anything for her.

The girl lives in a good middle class family and I know for a fact that she is loved and well cared for and lives in a good family environment. This girl is very smart, very pretty, tall and well-spoken, and has the decision making ability of a 12 year old. To those who are parents you can only imagine how it feels to love and care for a child to bring her to the point in her life where she can live a healthy and happy life with a good education only to have her take a "screw it" attitude.

I will visit them in Chicago this weekend so I can talk with her and maybe get a sense of what is going on. Of course she thinks she is in "love" with this 22 year old who evidently has no fear of anything that could happen to him legally. In small town America he would be in trouble, but not in Chicago. My only hope is that the girl does not dig herself into a hole that she cannot easily get out of--pregnancy, stds, drugs, jail, prison...until she gets to the point in her life where she decides for herself that she wants an education and a better life. In reality, her future is more in her own hands than her mother's hands.

[elleng]

14. If 'loving' the 'wrong' guy is the worst thing

going on, she's lucky.

Please tell her to NOT make this such a big deal. But get daughter protection, or allow her to do so, and do not let her feel excluded from the home.

How about inviting the guy to dinner at home? Turn things around.

[Schema Thing]

16. amen

[Schema Thing]

20. n/t

[elocs]

29. The big deal is that she is cutting school to go see this guy in Chicago.

She is on very thin ice as it is now and she will be 17 in August and then they can simply boot her out of school and be done with her. A 16 year old gilr who is infatuated with a 22 year old guy can be easily manipulated and used. It isn't simply that the guy is 22, it is that he is pretty much a bum also. She is not excluded from anything at home and her mother tries to involve her in things and do things with her, but she doesn't want anything to do with Mom (which is not unnormal as a teen tries to establish her own identity).

[hippywife]

41. These days teenage girls

are pretty high-maintenance. Once she figures out this guy can't give her the things that she wants, I think she'll get tired of him. The more mom fights this the more the kid's not going to see the situation for what it is. Sometimes the best way to break a bad habit is to get it in hefty doses. So I vote with everyone who says keep her healthy and un-pregnant, and let her know she is not excluded from her home.

[elocs]

43. Right, I think that very many young women are high maintenance.

Especially those who marry young and expect a lifestyle and a standard of living that it took their parents decades to achieve.

The keeping her healthy and un-pregnant is a valid point of view and it would probably have a good chance of working well in many towns or cities in this country. But this is Chicago, the city and not the burbs where a lot of serious and nasty things can happen with rapes and murders happening on a daily basis. A 22 year old with a 16 year old girl might not be a young and romantic Romeo and Juliet situation, but may have a much more unsavory aspect to it.

[Whoa_Nelly]

11. Send her here

http://www.turnaboutranch.com/

Take her out of her environment, and rattle her world.

Sent my son there at age 16. Still had some trouble after he returned, but he learned a lot and got the start of being set on making better decisions.

Those here who have met my son can attest to the fact that he is now a wonderful adult.

On edit:
My insurance paid for some of his stay there because there was a psychologist and therapy.

[Midlodemocrat]

18. There is so much wrong with this situation, I'm not sure where to start.

It appears that Mom is trying to parent too little, too late. Not that it cannot be done, but it will take a tremendous amount of effort on her part.

There are just so many variables here, I can't respond in full. If you want to PM me, (I was a therapist for children and adolescents) you are welcome to.

Best to your friend.

[BlueIris]

23. PM the Midlo!! (It does sound like the girl is basically too far gone, though.)

I mean, I hope that someone can intervene before this spirals outward to its inevitable conclusion, but...I'm not sure there's that much that the mother can do at this point.

[elocs]

28. I will do that later on Wednesday. I work the night shift.

There is more to this than can be simply posted on a message board. I did give an accurate, Reader's Digest version.

[crimsonblue]

19. answer: bavarian bording school.

[Schema Thing]

21. I have a similar story with a 15 year old.... my stepdaughter...

...for a too long past year. Now my ex-stepdaughter.

I can't say why she is so dishonest (though you can usually see the reasoning behind any particular lie), but I do think it may well be a response to her mom's unreasonable reaction to anything-mom-doesn't-want-to-hear, growing up.

I think the script she is acting out now, at 14, 15, 16, was written long ago, unfortunately.

I don't think she's bad; just extremely bored, unengaged, and desperately ready to have free will.

In spite of all this, she may still be ok 5 years from now. I hope she will be. While everything else is fucked up, I do think she and her mom share real love, and know that about each other. Trust? Not so much.

I hope she will be ok.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

22. Where is the girl's father?

Perhaps she could go live with him? Assuming he is alive and capable:shrug:

[elocs]

24. The girl's father walked out on her when she was 4,

and she saw him again one weekend when she was 10 and he promised he would call, but she never heard from him. He has made it his life's mission to impregnate as many women in the upper midwest as possible without taking responsibility. She is probably more capable of parenting than he is.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

27. well then, that option is out --

poor kid. A change of scenery would do her some good.

[reyd reid reed]

26. They believe they have better things to do in Colorado, too

The police did precious little to help us find our daughter. Little? Actually, they did NOTHING. I know it sounds harsh, but what finally snapped our daughter out of it (or so it seems...right now) was not cleaning up after her when she got herself in trouble and then, when she missed a court date, she had a bench warrant issued. Ultimately she was collected on the warrant, had to spend four nights in detention, and it scared the bejeebers out of her. She's been walking on the right side of the line ever since.

I'll keep this girl -- and her parents...and you -- in my thoughts.

[orleans]

31. are they in cook county? dupage?

if she doesn't live in cook she shouldn't be going there for the restraining order. she might call a few reporters and bring some attention to the fact that no one can be bothered issuing a restraining order for her.

does the girl drive? can the mother take away her license? or the car keys?

maybe some reallllly looooong talks with her daughter might help the situation--give mom a better understanding of what's going on, give her daughter the opportunity to vent/think and realize how concerned her mother is for her.

sorry. it's a bad situation.

[JoDog]

32. The OP said they live in the suburbs

not Chicago. If that is the case, the mom should try talking to her local police. Unfortunately, with the high number of kids getting shot this year, the CPD may actually have bigger things on its plate than a willful 16-year-old. And that's what we're dealing with here. A girl who's young enough not to care but yet not old enough to know better.

The mom in this case has 3 options left:

1. Take the girl out of the environment. Not necessarily making her a prisoner in school per se, but maybe some sort of camp or other encounter group. Do it quickly before the kid turns 17.

2. Damage control. Get the girl the HPV vaccine and prescription for birth control. Make sure she takes the pill properly and has access to condoms. Cut a deal that mom will stop giving her static about the boyfriend if she attends school.

3. Homeschooling. Would make it harder to cut class.

[elocs]

33. They live in Cook County--it is more than just Chicago, encompassing many burbs.

So the mother was going to the right place for a restraining order. Where I live in Wisconsin she could have gotten one in not time and the police would probably go to the guy's apartment and have a talk with him, but not in Cook County. I had recently seen on a 20/20 episode where a guy went to prison because his girlfriend was still a minor and the father objected to the relationship. He was also placed upon the sex offenders list for life and that was pretty serious and caused him trouble in prison.

The girl does not have a driver's license, but does have a multi-transit pass that allows her to take the bus or the train (her mom worked in downtown Chicago).

[logosoco]

34. this story has really touched me...

this friday, my husband and I celebrate 28 years together (22 married) and when we met, I was 15 and he was 22. I was always a little mature for my years, I was already out of school (GED when i was 16 and went on to college). It sounds like maybe i was more mature than the girl you are speaking of, and i guess my mom had a lot of faith that it was going to be okay.
I don't really have any advice...maybe just wanted to let you know that sometimes when things are really bad, you have to trust the universe!!IT is hard to watch our kids make mistakes (I have 3 kids ages 18,17 and 13) but there comes a point where you have to trust that you taught your kids the right things in this world and they have to make their own choices even if it doesn't seem to to be right.
My husband and i are not rich (we do have our own house and cars) but we are very happy. Our oldest daughter has a baby (ahhh...the dreaded teen pregnancy...but we love our grandson and his father lives with us too, he works and they are both graduating this month and our daughter is going to college in the fall). Maybe what i am trying to say here is that some people may not call us successful because we don't have a lot of money ,etc. but when you get down to it, we have lots of love and happiness in our family.
I wish this girl and her mother well and hope they can find a way to live happily ever after (despite the craziness in the world!)

[Inchworm]

36. Sixteen is a hell year for sure

There was no getting through to my daughter or changing her mind at that age. What I did was make sure she could always talk to me about anything. She did. We look back on those years now and smile about them. Turns out she was even honest with me all that time. I naturally suspected otherwise.

We also had a list for her to get to 18, heh.

1. Graduate High School
2. Don't do drugs or drink regularly
3. Don't get pregnant
4. Don't get married
5. grr.. I've already forgotten number 5. I'll ask her today when she calls

Good luck.

:hug:

[elocs]

40. Well, the first 4 on the list are very good. n/t

[applegrove]

37. Sounds awfull.

[JVS]

38. Send her to Saint Dominic Savio's school for Highschool Girls in Trouble.

They made a movie about it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeYUojkKPM4

[LucyParsons]

42. This may not be helpful

But when I was 16 I had sex **once** (with protection) and went to **one** party, at a friend's house, where parents were present, and my overbearing father grounded me for four months, forbade me any contact with my friends, and made me flip burgers in his convenience store from 4am every morning.

I don't know what would've happened if he hadn't "straightened me out" - but I do sort of respect him for being willing to take drastic measure before it WAS too late. If the child is 16, I would tend to think its the parent's DUTY to do whatever is necessary - even boarding school.

On the other hand, my father WAS very overbearing, and overreacted. I wasn't on drugs; I made good grades; I intended to go to college. If I had been a son, my behavior would have been not only treated as normal, but CONGRATULATED.

So I am conflicted. Glad I don't have kids.

I second the recommendations above to seek help from experienced nonprofits.

[elocs]

45. Grounding can be too simple of an idea.

How do you make her do it? Her mom can drop her off at the front door of school and she can go out the back. The public school is not a prison and she can and does leave when she wants. You have to trust that when she leaves school she will go home--which she doesn't always do. She ends up in downtown Chicago which is not like Everytown, U.S.A. and where with great frequency people get murdered, shot, assaulted, and raped. She lives in an area with millions of people, many who are not nice, and nasty things happen with regularity.

If she refuses to be grounded at home, do they lock her in her room or have somebody up at all times to watch the doors? They have taken everything away from her and she doesn't seem to care. Grounding only really works when there is some cooperation from the child.