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SyracuseDemocrat Donating Member (696 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 03:44 AM
Original message
Post your favorite Republican jokes here!
Edited on Thu Aug-07-03 03:44 AM by SyracuseDemocrat
Ok, I'll start.

A democrat and a republican are walking along in a park. The democrat says suddenly, "Aw, look at the dead bird". The republican stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

What's the difference between a Republican and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with the terrorist.

How is a Republican different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A republican parade.

What's the difference between God and a Republican?
God knows He's not a Republican.

Did you hear about the time the Democrat locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the Republican out.

And finally... What's the ideal weight for a Republican?
About 2-1/2 pounds including the urn.

Alright, what do you got? :)




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TreasonousBastard Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 04:37 AM
Response to Original message
1. So this Republican lawyer...
has a client in his office.

After a short consultation, the client asks what the fees is.

"Oh, $100."

"OK, I'll just pay cash," and the client peels off a fresh C-note.

Later, the lawyer notices that it's actually two C-notes stuck together and immediately sees an ethical problem.

"Should I tell my partner?"

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REP Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 04:48 AM
Response to Original message
2. How Can You Tell When It's Cold Out?
When a Republican has his hands in his own pockets.
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emad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 06:09 AM
Response to Original message
3. favourite republican joke ?
OK here's another one. Dubya is sitting in his office in the white house. Outside it's minus 25 degrees and the snow has fallen thick and fast overnight, covering the rose garden lawn in a foot of snow. A worried aide knocks tremulously on the door and enters. "Mr President, I'm afraid there's been some news, and some more news on top of that. The first one's bad. and the second is very very bad." "I'm a man," says Dubya, "I can take it on the chin, but only if you give me the merely bad news first." "Well, Mr President, someone has urinated on the rosegarden lawn after last night's snowfall, and written a message saying 'George W Bush is a wanker'. The CIA conducted a DNA test of the urine and say it's Dick Cheney's piss." "That's the bad news, is it? Well, you'd better give me the very very bad news then...." "It's like this, Mr President, the Pentagon's senior graphologist says it's Condoleeza Rice's handwriting........"
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emad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 06:09 AM
Response to Original message
4. favourite republican joke ?
OK here's another one. Dubya is sitting in his office in the white house. Outside it's minus 25 degrees and the snow has fallen thick and fast overnight, covering the rose garden lawn in a foot of snow. A worried aide knocks tremulously on the door and enters. "Mr President, I'm afraid there's been some news, and some more news on top of that. The first one's bad. and the second is very very bad." "I'm a man," says Dubya, "I can take it on the chin, but only if you give me the merely bad news first." "Well, Mr President, someone has urinated on the rosegarden lawn after last night's snowfall, and written a message saying 'George W Bush is a wanker'. The CIA conducted a DNA test of the urine and say it's Dick Cheney's piss." "That's the bad news, is it? Well, you'd better give me the very very bad news then...." "It's like this, Mr President, the Pentagon's senior graphologist says it's Condoleeza Rice's handwriting........"
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emad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 06:09 AM
Response to Original message
5. favourite republican joke ?
OK here's another one. Dubya is sitting in his office in the white house. Outside it's minus 25 degrees and the snow has fallen thick and fast overnight, covering the rose garden lawn in a foot of snow. A worried aide knocks tremulously on the door and enters. "Mr President, I'm afraid there's been some news, and some more news on top of that. The first one's bad. and the second is very very bad." "I'm a man," says Dubya, "I can take it on the chin, but only if you give me the merely bad news first." "Well, Mr President, someone has urinated on the rosegarden lawn after last night's snowfall, and written a message saying 'George W Bush is a wanker'. The CIA conducted a DNA test of the urine and say it's Dick Cheney's piss." "That's the bad news, is it? Well, you'd better give me the very very bad news then...." "It's like this, Mr President, the Pentagon's senior graphologist says it's Condoleeza Rice's handwriting........"
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Best_man23 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 06:13 AM
Response to Original message
6. Here's Mine
A Republican finds a lamp. Thinking he could make a few quick bucks by selling the lamp, he begins to rub the dirt from its surface. From the lamp, a genie appears:

The genie says: "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. For this deed, I will grant you one wish."

The Republican thinks about it and says "I want to be powerful, have every one I know give me money and favors, and never have to work a day in my life."

The genie responds "Your wish is granted" and turns the Republican into George W. Bush
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Best_man23 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 06:14 AM
Response to Original message
7. Here's Mine
A Republican finds a lamp. Thinking he could make a few quick bucks by selling the lamp, he begins to rub the dirt from its surface. From the lamp, a genie appears:

The genie says: "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. For this deed, I will grant you one wish."

The Republican thinks about it and says "I want to be powerful, have every one I know give me money and favors, and never have to work a day in my life."

The genie responds "Your wish is granted" and turns the Republican into George W. Bush.
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Best_man23 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 06:15 AM
Response to Original message
8. Another One
Why did the Republican become lost?

Someone turned off the Rush Limbaugh program.
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searchingforlight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 06:41 AM
Response to Original message
9.  Two jokes
"Rush Limbaugh" and "George W. Bush"

Oh, those are my least favorite Republican jokes.
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BeatleBoot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 06:46 AM
Response to Original message
10. I crack up everytime I hear this one....
George W. Bush is President of the United States.


WoooooooHooooooo!!!!!!ROFLMAO!!!!!!!
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NightTrain Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 10:56 AM
Response to Original message
11. You asked for it!

Why can't you circumcise a Republican?
Because there's no end to those pricks!


What's the difference between a Republican wedding and a Republican funeral?
One less asshole.


Why did the Republican stop eating oranges?
He found out that oranges are fruits.


What's a Republican's favorite wine?
"I want to go to Flooooooorida!"


What you you say to a Republican in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

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beanball Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 01:18 PM
Response to Original message
12. My favorite republican jokes
1.George W.Bush 2.Dick"slick"Chaney 3.Ann"the man"Coulter 4.Arnold"the termanator" 5.Jeb "evil son #2" Bush 6.Karl Rove 7.Tom"the extermanator"DeLay 8.Orrin Hatch 9.Condi"sleezzy"Rice Rush"anal cyst"Slimebaugh. these are republican jokes that make you wanna cry.
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catzies Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 01:22 PM
Response to Original message
13. Saw this in a greeting card once
What's the difference between a Republican and a weasel?

Weasels can't play golf.

(Apologies to weasels and golf-playing Dems.)
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commander bunnypants Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 01:34 PM
Response to Original message
14. My old favorite
What's your favorite vegetable? Mine is Ronald Regan


DEMMAN
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leftist_rebel1569 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 01:43 PM
Response to Original message
15. Why did George Bush fall off the Segway Scooter?
Because he leans too far to the right
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northzax Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 01:53 PM
Response to Original message
16. ok then
what do you get if you cross a Pig with a republican?

no one knows, there are some things a pig just won't do.

q: How can you tell you're a republican?

a: you think proletariat is a type of cheese.

a: you've ever said "boy, I can't wait to get into Business School"

a: you don't think the Simpsons is very funny, but you think Flanders makes a lot of sense.

a: you have ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a garbage can because he's a lazy drunkard who doesn't want to work.

q: what's the difference between a republican convention and a porcupine?
a: the porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

AND FINALLY:

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."
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northzax Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-07-03 01:59 PM
Response to Reply #16
17. and another one (for good measure)
So I was driving in Georgia the other day and I got a flat tire.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Democrat or Republican,?" asked the old man.
"Democrat," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Democrat." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Democrats.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.
"Republican!" I shouted.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Republican for five minutes and, already, I want to screw somebody."
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