self image...quite long

[Rising Phoenix]

I danced for 14 years and man gaged to escape without a single body image issue
at age 17 my friends and I would go to the grocery store and buy shit loads of junk food, go to the park,, eat and eat and eat.....and I and would sit and wait while the other 6 made themselves vomit into the bushes.....I saw no need

but there I was at age 24 with a raging eating disorder, anorexia and exercise bulimia. 90 lbs. My mothers first brain surgery came and I ate myself past even a healthy weight ( the meds did not help)

Every day since then was struggle and full of self loathing.

It took almost dying (of a non related illness) for me to realize that my body was not there for me to torture and mold. It was not meant for such trauma. My size is not my self worth. What people say about my size does not matter. Being a size zero did not make me any happier or sadder. I learned that my body is there to travel in. To take me where I need to go. A place for me to reside during this life anyway......to live in, to love in, to cry in, to fight in.

And though everyday is a fight with my body to live well.....as my body seems to have alternate plans than that, I will never stop fighting with it and loving it at the same time. I am thirty years old and for the first time in my life, I love my (albeit diseased) body.

I choose to tattoo it and decorate it to express myself, another wonderful reason I love my body.....as I love any blank canvas.

Why am I posting all this.....well because it was during a talk with my sister last night that I realized for the first time, and said out loud for the first time... I love my body and all it does for me and all it has taught me, AND how it looks. Some of you out there may love your bodies too....and if so ....thats Great....but I know there are many out there, men and women, who just don't. I hope they can find a way to, preferably without almost dying like me....lol.

So tomorrow at Easter dinner, I will eat when I am hungry, and stop when I am full.....over and over again. I will also watch my mother and my sister struggle with calories and fat content and watch them painfully eat.....as they must....to keep up appearances.

End story....but some pics
my first self portarait


several years later another


my latest, done last summer


end another one, more abstract called body image


me.....last Friday

[La Lioness Priyanka]

1. great post.

:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

2. thanks sweetie

:loveya:

[PeaceNikki]

3. You, your post and your art are all very beautiful.

:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

4. thank you so much

and feels good to say I actually believe that :hug:

[PeaceNikki]

7. And that's FAR more important than me or anyone else saying it.

Hold onto it tightly. This journey called life will constantly throw things at you to make you question it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KNthqC2fsVw

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, I saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay

And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

[Rising Phoenix]

9. I love that song.....thanks

[Haole Girl]

5. I think you have a typo

Though, when discussing eating disorders, man gaged might be the right word?

Hang tough! It's great that you use art to express yourself. :hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

10. glad thats what caught your attention

[Haole Girl]

13. Truly...I was trying to be funny...

and didn't mean it in a negative way.

However, I think I proved - once again - I am not funny.

Sorry.

[Rising Phoenix]

15. hehe

I was trying to be funny too.....its hard without voice inflections....I guess we both need to work on that :hi:

[Redstone]

16. Hey, I think she'll understand after a second reading of your post. And you made

a good point about the term "man gaged;" it truly might be a window through which we can see how she was feeling back then.

She's in a good place psychologically now, though, and I wish everyone else here cold be as well.

Redstone

[Redstone]

6. Good for you. That's an excellent and healthy attitude to end up with.

I'll not discuss MY body, though...the son of a bitch has caused me no end of trouble for so long; if I could trade it in like a car I'd have done so long ago without one regret.

PS: The "Everybody else's girl" text on that one painting does a lot to reveal your state of mind when you painted it. I trust, and hope, that you don't feel that way anymore. It seems like you don't, which is good.

Redstone

[Rising Phoenix]

12. I belong only to me!

[Redstone]

14. Again, good for you. Too bad you had to go through some bad times to get to

where you are, but you're in a good place now, psychologically.

And I'm happy to hear that you are.

Redstone

[fizzgig]

8. wonderful post, sweetie

you've developed a very healthy attitude toward food that some people are never able to achieve.

it took me many years, but i'm just now beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. i'm starting to be happier with the way i look and am getting to the point to where i can look at myself and not feel totally disgusted.

thank you so much for sharing this part of yourself. and, btw, i love the paintings :)

[Rising Phoenix]

11. thank you

and good for you.....:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

17. I love you. We could be sisters *hugs* (You'd be the pretty one! :^) )

[Rising Phoenix]

18. pshaw

you are gorgeous darling.....love you too and I can never have enough sisters....they are the best!

[GreenPartyVoter]

19. Ihad a lil bro when I grew up, only sons, and no mom now. I really am all for

collecting female influences in my life. :hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

20. glad I could be one of them

:hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

21. I've always thought that you're quite gorgeous

But, what others think of us matters little, really.



There's no better love than self-love.

[Rising Phoenix]

23. thanks sweetie

and so true about the self love

[lightningandsnow]

22. Amazing.

That was a great post. All I can say is.... wow.

Your art is amazing, too.

[Rising Phoenix]

24. thanks sweetie

how are things going?

[lightningandsnow]

27. Things are going ok!

I'm alive and dealing. What else can I say?

[Rising Phoenix]

28. good to hear

[YankeyMCC]

25. I want to say something

but I really don't know what I could say to adequately express my thoughts about your post. Your words and works (that you've shown here) display a person who's found the kind of strength of stride we all should strive for on this human journey.

Thanks for posting...and enjoy the meal! :)

[Rising Phoenix]

26. thank you...what a wonderful complimment

and I will.....:loveya:

[DarkTirade]

29. I regret that I have but one hug emoticon to give.

:hug:

:P

[Rising Phoenix]

31. awwww

thanks for the hug sweetie

[BarenakedLady]

30. Wonderful post.

I'm glad that you have reached peace with your body. I'm 39 and far from it.

:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

32. thanks

:hug:

[snailly]

33. I finally understand your art

I must be dense but I've looked at it the past couple of years and it just didn't click in my mind completely.
I get it now. I always thought the women in your works were someone else. Now I know it was you all along. Talk about a new poignancy. Very interesting and beautiful. Just like you.

I'm working on the acceptance of my body too. I was bulimic in my 20's (a gaunt size 4 at 5'7") and in my 30's I've gained some weight from pregnancies. As I'm pushing 40 in a few years, it just doesn't seem to matter anymore. I DO love what my body has given me. I looked at my beautiful, smart-as-a-whip daughter tonight and thought "I grew that!". I'm not going to almost kill myself to be a size 8 or 10 anymore. Those days are over and good riddance.

I went off on a tangent but I hear ya, sister. It's not you. It really is "them".
Keep doing what you're doing, honey!

[Rising Phoenix]

35. thanks

glad you found a new understanding of my art.....:hug:

[Drum]

34. Wow...wonderful post.

Your candor in telling of this journey is admirable, and I thank you for sharing some of this liberation with us. We can all use the encouragement to make some peace with ourselves. Er, I should just speak for myself...but thank you for this piece of you and for showing your painted expressions of same.

Brava!

:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

36. thank you

and you are more than welcome for sharing.....just a little piece of a very complicated me....hehe :hug:

[Maestro]

37. Great message in your words!

And you are one fine artist!

[auntAgonist]

38. It's what's inside that really counts..

I know, trust me. I think there's a LOT of good inside of your heart. :)

Your post is very meaningful and hopefully it reaches out and touches someone in need, emotionally, or with struggles they face.


ack I'm rambling, but .. :hug: that's all :)

aA