Ever have The Friend Who Wouldn't Leave?

[skygazer]

Mr. Sky has a long-time friend who we only saw sporadically for years. About 4 months ago, a unit at our place came up for rent and the Mr. suggested it to Friend who moved in.

He's here every day after work, drinks gallons of booze in a very short time (the Mr.'s booze) and is tough to get rid of. I'm pretty blunt but this is compounded by the fact that his only brother died suddenly less than a year ago, he's very needy and looks to my husband as his replacement brother.

Before we realized what a pill he was, we had invited him to be the witness at our wedding which was held during our camping trip. He now blissfully tells us that "next year when we go, I'm going to stay the whole week!" :wtf: I don't recall inviting him at all.

We talked about it last night and my husband is going to talk to him and tell him flat out that he needs to lay off the booze. Beyond that, any suggestions? He actually is a nice guy - not the brightest crayon in the box but a nice guy - and I don't want to completely cut him off.

[NMDemDist2]

1. if you cut off the booze

he'll probably go elsewhere

just saying.. :shrug:

[skygazer]

2. Well, that's definitely part of it

I don't think he'll go elsewhere - he'll bring his own booze probably which opens another can of worms. Mainly, it's trying to get through a pretty thick and needy skull that while he is alone and has all kinds of disposable time, we are a couple and would like to spend at least some of our limited time with just each other.

I suppose there's no easy way to do that without hurting his feelings because his feelings seem to be pretty close to the surface and he's come to the conclusion that he's part of the family here.

[skater314159]

3. Does he live in your house?

Or in your apartment complex? I'm kind of confused from your OP - but how does he end up in your house to drink your beer each day? I'd try not answering the door or the phone (if your living arrangments allow this) when he calls to give yourself some space and to show him that your space belongs to you guys, and that while he is welcome, he can't just come and go as he pleases.

I agree with AZDem that if the booze dries up, he may move on to wetter pastures. If he brings his own booze, that would only help the sitation (not solve it, but it would be an imrovement, eh?) and you could then try to set another boundary.

It sounds like your friend doesn't really have good boundaries - he probably came from a messed up home - which isn't his fault. What you can do help him to learn about boundaries by setting some - starting with the booze. Then you can set a boundary about what nights of the week he can come over. You might want to follow that up with one where if you and your husband ask him to leave, so that you two can be alone with each other, he needs to leave.

[skygazer]

5. We live in separate cabins

Our place is a small group of cabins owned by our landlord who lives in the central house - at one time it was a little resort, now the cabins are rented out individually. It's a nice setup but it's also a reason that he's not really going to go elsewhere because the whole place is out in the country - it's not like there's anywhere else to go. So while there definitely need to be booze boundaries, the original issue is still there.

It's always hard to describe a specific situation in a post because there are so many variables. ~sigh~ But you're right - boundaries need to be set here. I guess it's just hard to do because he has this almost childlike feeling of belonging and this fragile neediness that makes ME feel bad when I send him home. As if I'm responsible for him which I know I'm not.

We've discussed moving and leaving no forwarding address. :P

[skater314159]

9. Oh.

Man - that sounds like a really nice place! I'm sorry he's stomping on you guys' vibe! :grouphug:

I hear you on the feeling bad thing... that's a defensive mechanism on his part, think of him as being a highly specialised predator on a nature show channel - he thinks that he needs your booze and companionship. What he really needs is to fill an inner/want or need that he has - it's probably subconcious on his part, but he is afraid to do fill need that directly because that's hard work. His mind and emotions are protecting him by keeping him away from that piece of Karma he needs to deal with, and what he is doing right now is easy and safe.

Anyway, if you feel bad or responsible, tell yourself you're not and then go take a nice bubble bath or whatever you do for "me" time. When you feel the relaxation, you can tell yourself again that you aren't responsible for his feelings, and that because you got him to leave, you are enjoying that moment. That will help you to set boundaries, as you will know what you get if you set and enforce them - relaxation and time with your hubby.

Peace,
skater pi

[hippywife]

12. Well, do it good naturedly.

Give him the "let's sit down and talk." Use they old "wink, wink--nudge, nudge, we need some more alone time, if you know what I mean!" routine. Hopefully if you approach it that way at first and then let him know that while you care about him, you also have so little time together as a couple that you really need him to allow you that extra space. Good luck! :hi:

[Parche]

4. YESSSSSSSSSSS

I have known someone for 36years, and we were renting seperate rooms in a house,
I like him and all, but almost every day he stopped by after work and wanted to chat
I like my privacy!!!! sometimes i want to be around people, and sometimes i dont!!

:hi:

[skygazer]

6. Did you find any kind of solution?

Short of moving and leaving no forwarding address? It's hard when you do like a person but they take advantage of that and inflict themselves on you relentlessly. I am NOT a social butterfly. :(

[Parche]

11. solution

He moved out about 6months ago and i havnt seen him since
i felt kind of bad, but i have a life too, and i want my 'privacy' when i want it,
and when i want to be around people, then i go out.....
he was one of those 'talkers' that would come down and just talk talk talk talk,
while i was trying to watch, maybe Cspan, or Olbermann, or Flying on my flight simulator....
oh well

:hi:

[qb]

7. No, but I've been one.

I am working on that. Try to be gentle... take little steps to create some distance. He is probably under the illusion that you appreciate his constant companionship as much as he appreciates yours.

I have a friend who dealt with me that way... I can't believe how much he put up with me. He must have known how devastated I would have been if he just cut me off. He's a great guy.

[skygazer]

8. Ah, you understand

That's just the thing - we both like this guy, realize he's lonely and needy and has no real idea that he's imposing. And it's hard to tell someone they are because it feels like being told they are unwanted. Thanks for your insight. :hug:

[qb]

19. I have given this some more thought...

First of all, hints won't work. While the underlying message may be clear to someone else, he will most likely be blind to it.
I think gentle but frank honesty is the best approach. Explain that you & Mr. Sky NEED more time to yourselves. That way it is less of a rejection and more of a request that he accommodate your needs. It may take a while to sink in, but if you're persistent and kind he will eventually get it.

[KansDem]

13. Yeah, I've had a few friends give me the brush...

I guess I was annoying to them, but one day they just stopped answering their phone (caller i.d., I'm sure) and returning calls (I had left messages on their machines). They lived out of state so I wasn't able to drop by for visits.

It hurt a little, but was probably for the better...

[qb]

16. I've had that treatment too. I prefer brutal honesty to a passive blow-off.

The uncertainty drives me crazy... is he just really busy right now, or is he blowing me off? I've learned it's usually the latter. I am also trying to take a more objective look at my "friendships" so I don't get myself (and others) into these sticky situations.

[KansDem]

17. Tell me about it!

...is he just really busy right now, or is he blowing me off?

Last October while on a trip to the west coast, I stopped in and visited with a woman I hadn't seen in decades. When I got back home I emailed her and she replied the same day with a nice response that sounded like we were going to exchange emails. Well I wrote her twice since then and no replies. What's that all about? Does she want to keep in touch or doesn't she? Is she afraid she'll hurt my feelings and the silence is suppose to spare my feelings? I just don't know!

Yeah, "brutal honesty" is preferred to "passive blow-off." I'm a big boy now and can handle rejection. Just ask any of the women I used to date...

[Seeking Serenity]

10. You mind if I make a long distance phone call?

Ahhhhh! No!!!!!

[Yavin4]

14. Watch The Movie, "You, Me, and Dupree"

Watch it with your friend and keep saying, "Hint" "Hint" all througout the movie.

[CJCRANE]

15. You need to find him

a new friend who drinks a lot.

On edit: or *he* needs to find a new beer buddy.

[tigereye]

18. congrats on your wedding!

sorry about the long-term guest... that's not an easy one.