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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:10 AM
Original message
I miss my Mom...
Another thread made me think about this, and I just had to say it. She's not dead. She has ALS, and she's so sick. Ever since she was diagnosed in July, the day before my honeymoon, I've been so numb. I just keep doing what I'm supposed to do, going to school like my parents want me to, trying to pretend that I'm not devastated. I was there, alone with her, when the Dr gave her the diagnosis...the absolute worst and hardest moment of my life thus far. I was the one who had to tell my Dad and little Brother. I can't even face my Grandma or Sister or Aunt... I'm not dealing with it well, I'm avoiding it at all costs. And I'm ashamed of that. I just don't know how to...My dad has been sick my entire life with MS, and he's very sick too, and this has been too much, indescribable.

I just had to say that. I miss her so much, and I hate how I'm dealing with it...Or rather not dealing with it. x(

Thanks for listening. :(
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Solon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:12 AM
Response to Original message
1. Aw damn, I'm so sorry that's happening to you...
:hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:14 AM
Response to Reply #1
3. Thank you...
I could use the hug right now... :)
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:13 AM
Response to Original message
2. oh I am sorry
:hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:15 AM
Response to Reply #2
5. Thank you so much...
:hug:
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fizzgig Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:15 AM
Response to Original message
4. i am so sorry you hurt like you do
you have shown such strength that i don't know i could even muster

peace to you and yours :hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:17 AM
Response to Reply #4
8. Aw, I don't feel strong, but thank you...
I feel like a freaking coward in the face of this horrific illness... :(

But thank you :hug:
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fizzgig Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:22 AM
Response to Reply #8
11. i am only an outside observer
but i would never, ever call you a coward

:hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:24 AM
Response to Reply #11
15. Thank you so much...
It's nice to have an outside observation, my brain is pretty self-critical, hehe...

Thank you, truly, I needed to hear that :hug:
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Sugar Smack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:17 AM
Response to Original message
6. Baby.
I'm here for you if you want to talk. I'm offline most of the time these days. God, I feel for you.

I love ya, honay. Je t'adore.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:20 AM
Response to Reply #6
9. Thank you baby....
And I love you...We'll talk soon, once I get my phone turned back on at the end of the week...I don't know what came over me, the stress is peaking, and I'm freaking. Dad's been in the hospital for weeks, and I'm just so...tired from worrying and crying.

Je t'adore toujours bebe, tu sais... :hug:
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Sugar Smack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:30 AM
Response to Reply #9
19. I hear you *kiss*.
Look, I do maybe more than you realize, honey. I really look forward to talking with you, because talking, especially for someone in yr boots, may be really good. I miss you more than I can even say. You are so special. You are a force of nature, and you really can have an effect on that around you.

So I'll take it to heart that we'll talk soon, because I think the world of you, and I hope you hear good news. :hug: If you don't call me, I'll call you, my friend.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:33 AM
Response to Reply #19
21. My phone should be back on this weekend...
If not, I'll call you from Sniffa's phone...promise.

And...those words mean a lot to me...thank you my love...I miss you so.... :hug:
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Critters2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:17 AM
Response to Original message
7. I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with.
Be gentle with yourself. You're in an overwhelming set of circumstances, so, of course, you're overwhelmed. Nothing to be ashamed of. It might help to talk with others in a similar situation. I have no idea if there are support groups for family members of ALS and/or MS patients, but that might be helpful.

This might help, too :hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:21 AM
Response to Reply #7
10. That would be good...I'm just so busy with school...
I'm in my Senior year, I've been having my own health issues, and I just feel like there isn't even a minute to breathe, y'know?

Thank you so much :hug:
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Critters2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:23 AM
Response to Reply #10
13. You must be exhausted.
Here, take another one :hug:
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Midlodemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:22 AM
Response to Original message
12. I miss with mine. I will miss her forever.
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Critters2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:23 AM
Response to Reply #12
14. Me, too. I think of her all the time. nt
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:25 AM
Response to Reply #12
17. I just don't like missing someone who's alive, y'know?
I mean, missing who she was and will never be again...It's haunting me...I hate it. x(

:hug:
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Critters2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:35 AM
Response to Reply #17
24. I sort of understand.
My mom had a brain tumor, and they did surgery to remove it. The surgery damaged her brain more than the tumor had at that point, and she was never herself again. She couldn't remember my name for most of the last 7 months of her life. She knew who I was, I think, but couldn't call me by name. And was confused and had stroke-like symptoms. I've always felt like I lost her the day of her surgery. Some times I get really angry about it, because we didn't get to say "goodbye". The docs didn't tell us how big a change there'd be.

Not exactly your situation, but I can sympathize if not empathize. :hug:
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Midlodemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 06:49 AM
Response to Reply #17
35. I felt that way about my dad. He had Alzheimer's.
He was amazingly happy in his last years, but he wasn't 'him'.

:loveya:

:hug:
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Bullwinkle925 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:25 AM
Response to Original message
16. sweetheart . . .
do not beat yourself up. you're doing the very best you can - take it from someone who has gone through way too much illness/heartbreak in one's life.
i also had a moment when an oncologist told my mother that this cancer would kill her - it was such a shock to hear - she didn't hear it, but i certainly did.
you can only stumble on each and every day and be there for her and for yourself.
again - DO NOT beat yourself up. your psyche is struggling to take care of you, as well.

bunches of hugs to you . . .

:hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:26 AM
Response to Reply #16
18. That's means a lot, from you....
Thank you love...You know of what you speak. Thank you... :hug:
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huskerlaw Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:33 AM
Response to Original message
20. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry
Edited on Tue Jan-29-08 12:35 AM by huskerlaw
ALS is a horrific disease. One of my mom's high school friends was diagnosed with it back in the early 80s and...believe it or not, she's still alive. And very much with it. She has to use a computer to speak, but speak she does. And she lives in an assisted living facility because her need for help is so great. But she's still active and involved in her kids' lives. Mentally, she's completely sharp.

Don't be ashamed at yourself for how you're dealing with it. You were there for her at what was, I'm sure, the worst moment of her life too. That's a huge thing. And you know that she would want you to do exactly what you're doing...going to school, getting your life in order, enjoying your new husband...she wants you to be happy. That's the greatest gift you can give her.

:hug:

On edit: Jeebus, after all that, I forgot to give you a hug!!
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:35 AM
Response to Reply #20
23. ...
:cry:

Thank you....


:hug: I don't really have words to respond to that right now, but thank you...
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huskerlaw Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:37 AM
Response to Reply #23
26. Awwww
now I'm crying too!

No words needed, just take it to heart, ok?

:hug:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:39 AM
Response to Reply #26
27. I will, promise...
:hug:
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roguevalley Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:34 AM
Response to Original message
22. Don't be ashamed. Hard things sap you especially if they have gone
on a long time. I had to tell my aunt her last sibling, my mother, had passed away. I lost my mom and dad, my heroes and my life, ten months apart. It is the hardest thing dealing with illness. Forgive yourself that you aren't made of steel and take care of yourself. I love you for your adversity. I wish you peace and hope. Been there, done that, my dear friend.

RV
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:36 AM
Response to Reply #22
25. Aww, thank you so much for that...
It's really rough, no? x(

And thank you for your good wishes. :hug:
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roguevalley Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:46 AM
Response to Reply #25
29. back at ya, darlin'
do take care and know you are loved.
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Shakespeare Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:40 AM
Response to Original message
28. Oh, sweetie....
Sometimes when we feel the weakest is actually when we show the greatest strength. :hug:

I'm so sorry you're sad tonight. :hug: :loveya:
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 12:51 AM
Response to Reply #28
30. It just comes out sometimes, when I least expect it...
I read the word ALS, and BAM! The floodgates open....I can't control it sometimes... :cry:

Thank you :hug:

I'm listening to my favorite song now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M27HBYALPI8


I've thought about it, hell, about a million times
It takes all my strength just to keep it calm
I have to tell myself, girl, just let it breathe
holding it inside will only help to do me in

Each time I close my eyes I see another chain
it's one I can't forget, something I can not break out of
I need a second skin, something to hold me up
can't seem to get out of this hole
I've dug myself right back in

Just to wake up tells me, hell, I must be brave
It hits me like a drug shot into my vein
It's not as delightful of a pain
immobilizing me
almost makes me think I'm dead

I need a second skin
something to hold me tough
Can't do it on my own
sometimes I need just a little more help

I want that chance to give every drop that's left in me
I need a second skin
something I can not break out of

I just tell myself, girl, just let it breathe
It's a calmness I'm always searching for
But the dirt it gets so heavy
it falls above my head
seeping from under my feet
it just keeps on getting deeper

I need a second skin
something to hold me up
Can't do it on my own
sometimes I need just a little more help
I've got that chance to give every drop that's left in me
I need a second skin
something I cannot break free of

Though no one ever said it'd be easy
Still one's left to deny the choice that comes
between your willingness to survive
Though you're knowing what you stand up against
a world set to deceive
You need a special strength

I've got that second skin
I've got that chance to give
I've got the only way that I know how to live with it
I need a second skin
something to hold me tough
I need a second skin
something I cannot break out of!

-Mia Zapata, RIP...
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karmaqueen Donating Member (417 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 01:09 AM
Response to Original message
31. my heart hurts for you.
I took care of both my parents the last few months of their lives. They both died of Brain tumors, I did not deal with it well, it hurt every second, I could talk to no one. I am hearing of so many people getting ALS. I lost 2 friends in the last 18 months and had another friend diagnosed a few weeks ago, all middle age women. Please don't feel ashamed, you are going through one of the hardest things in the world. May you somehow find peace, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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SeattleGirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 01:14 AM
Response to Original message
32. I hear ya, babykins.
My mom is also ill. My sisters and brothers live near her, and they are doing right by her. I'm nearly 300 miles away, and so can't be around much.

It is scary to think about her being ill, and sometimes I want to ignore it, but I can't.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :hug:

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thatsrightimirish Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 01:29 AM
Response to Original message
33. I'm sure you're parents are very proud of you
"May God grant you always...A sunbeam to warm you, a moonbeam to charm you, a sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you. Laughter to cheer you. Faithful friends near you. And whenever you pray, Heaven to hear you. Irish Blessing
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Der Blaue Engel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-29-08 02:12 AM
Response to Original message
34. .
:hug:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sometimes it seems like life is just plain mean. x(

I miss my mom, too. :(
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