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I hope it's okay for me to post again about my Dad. It's not real, is it?

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bertha katzenengel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 01:50 PM
Original message
I hope it's okay for me to post again about my Dad. It's not real, is it?


It's just too god damned unreal. I don't know how to articulate what I feel. Driving home this afternoon, I passed two old barns and a terrific rusty old tractor. Each fucking time I thought "I have to shoot that and send it to Dad." Last night I saw a man with white hair & beard. That set me off.

But I haven't really, really let go and grieved. It must be too soon.

I'll tell you what I really grieve about: I can't go home. Mrs. V. needs me here; her health is a little shaky right now.

I wish that I could reply to everyone who posted in my other two threads. You are very kind. Please know I've read each and every response.

I'm just gonna go sit around until the dryer buzzes. Thanks for reading.
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bicentennial_baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 01:52 PM
Response to Original message
1. Awwww, sweetie
Give it time...And please take good care of yourself. We're here for you :hug:
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graywarrior Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 01:52 PM
Response to Original message
2. .
:hug: :loveya:
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ThomCat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 01:53 PM
Response to Original message
3. You will grieve in your own time, in your own way.
And we'll be here for you if and when you need us. :hug:

It's okay if you don't respond. Many of us have been insituations where we just couldn't.
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 01:54 PM
Response to Original message
4. i am very very sorry for your loss and the fact that you cant go home.
:hugs: to you and the mrs.
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Spacemom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 01:54 PM
Response to Original message
5. Give yourself time
Be gentle with yourself, be forgiving with yourself. There's no "time table" of how these things play out.

Just know you have friends and family who care about you.

Love and peace. :hug:
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Madrone Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 01:56 PM
Response to Original message
6. I'm so sorry.
I wish there were something I could do to help take the pain away.

:hug:
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Haole Girl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 02:01 PM
Response to Original message
7. Oh.....
For a long time after my mother died, when I would receive good news or something interesting happened, I'd have a very quick, fleeting thought, about picking up the telephone and calling her. It's like the first few seconds after a person wakes up and wonders if what happened the day before, or maybe the night before, was a dream or not.

I wish I had some words that would make it easier for you.

:hug: :hug: :hug:
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RainDog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 02:02 PM
Response to Original message
8. Your feelings and behaviors are normal
...and it may take some time before you adjust to your new reality. I lost my mother suddenly, too, and you don't have the opportunity to prepare in advance. If you find yourself getting into the shoulda, coulda, woulda's - you need to shift your focus to the good things you shared. Now your brain is going through all the attics of your life, as Jerry Garcia sang it, to look at those old photos and re-imagine memories.

It's only been a few days. It will take time. Do not feel like to have to dwell on his death all the time in order to be a "good daughter," tho, either.

((hugs))
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youthere Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 02:04 PM
Response to Original message
9. I'm so very sorry Bertha....
It all must be such a shock. :hug:
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hippywife Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 02:42 PM
Response to Original message
10. Of course, it's okay.
This was a huge and sudden shock for you. Could also be why you haven't been able to "let go and grieve" yet. :hug:
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redwitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:01 PM
Response to Original message
11. Surreal. Death is really so very odd.
In spite of the fact that everyone does it, it is really hard to entirely wrap your mind around it. Sudden death of a loved one is particularly hard. And the worst is that everything ( and everyone) else goes on like nothing is wrong, nothing has changed. :hug: You will grieve your loss in your own time, hang on tight to what goodness remains. You will be ok, you really will be ok.
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CaliforniaPeggy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:10 PM
Response to Original message
12. My dear bertha...
You're in shock, and that is entirely normal...

It is way too soon for you to have absorbed this awful, abrupt news...

You will heal in your own time, in your own way...

After a bit, a bereavement group might be just the ticket to help you...

Until then, we're sure as heck here for you...

:hug:

:loveya:
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MrScorpio Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:12 PM
Response to Original message
13. Go ahead and do your thing, Honey Love
I got cher hugz, if you need 'em

:hug:
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Eurobabe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:14 PM
Response to Original message
14. Sorry for your loss bertha
after a major loss, it always seems unreal, take care of yourself. :hug:
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Call Me Wesley Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:20 PM
Response to Original message
15. I've missed your initial post.
Safe passage to your dad. Peace and comfort to you and yours, Bertha. :hug:
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:25 PM
Response to Original message
16. Bertha, you'll grieve on your own schedule and in your own way.
You and Mrs V are in my thoughts. I hope you both take good care. :grouphug:
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:30 PM
Response to Original message
17. My dad died 13 years ago, and *still* find myself thinking, "I gotta tell dad about this!"
when I see something beautiful.

And I still occasionally think, "Oh - I gotta call mom and tell her about this!" or "I gotta call Mom and ask her about ..." (she, too, is dead)

I do it less as time goes on, but it's still there. Usually I just think to myself, "Oh, wait. Can't." Sometimes the thought comes with a profound sadness, though.

Best wishes and good vibes to you!
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Midlodemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 06:12 PM
Response to Reply #17
25. I do that as well, almost everyday.
And, sometimes at night, I dream about them. Which is really, really nice.

I'm sorry about your parents Rabrrrrrr, I didn't know. :hug:
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Mrs.Matcom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:36 PM
Response to Original message
18. So very, very sorry to hear about your dad.
:hug:
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MrsMatt Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:57 PM
Response to Original message
19. If you don't mind, I'll share a personal story
My dad died unexpectedly in February 2006, and it's funny, but I wasn't really able to accept it until I had a dream a few months after his death. In this dream, my dad was standing by a trash can at our State Fair. I walked up to him and asked him what he was doing there. He just said "I'm waiting" and pointed behind me. I turned, and saw my mom walking toward us. She apologized for being late, and said that they had to go and I watched them walk away. My mom died in 1991.

After that, while I still felt a sense of loss, I didn't grieve as much as I knew he was with my mom, who'd been very missed by him.

Also received a message of contentment from my mother about a year after she died.

Maybe if you are open to the message, he'll let you know he's ok.
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Richardo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 03:59 PM
Response to Original message
20. Always OK, and it will take as long as it takes.
:hug: bertha
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crim son Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 04:04 PM
Response to Original message
21. It seems there is no schedule for grieving.
And the way your Dad left you must make it that much more difficult to grasp. Post whenever you want because we're all here for you, and we do care about how you're feeling. :hug:
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seemunkee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 04:17 PM
Response to Original message
22. It was so sudden you need time to work through your emotions
:hug:
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yellowdogintexas Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 04:21 PM
Response to Original message
23. there are no set rules for grieving. We all handle things differently
and how we handle things can vary from situation to situation.

you can vent here though
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Midlodemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 06:11 PM
Response to Original message
24. Bertha, I am so very, very sorry about your loss.
I am here if you need to talk, my friend. :hug:

And, hoping that the dear Mrs. V is on the road to recovery.
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Tuesday Afternoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 06:15 PM
Response to Original message
26. in time -- give yourself all the time you need.
:hug:
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YellowRubberDuckie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 06:18 PM
Response to Original message
27. I understand how you feel.
I too lost my father, but I was 16. I miss him everyday. If you need ANYTHING, please let me know. I will even call you if you want to just talk. I love ya, Bertha. :hug:
Duckie
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Blue Diadem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 06:40 PM
Response to Original message
28. Oh Bertha, of course it's ok for you to post again.
We're here for you. It sounds like you're in shock, it'll take time..it always takes time.

I'm sorry you aren't able to make it home. I know how that felt when I couldn't go see my brother to say goodbye.



:hug:
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FloridaJudy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 07:07 PM
Response to Original message
29. Take care of yourself.
Grieving takes time. I kept seeing my dad everywhere for months after he died. You never really get over it, but it does get easier.
:hug:
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mitchum Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 07:17 PM
Response to Original message
30. My condolences to you and your family, bertha
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GreenPartyVoter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 07:46 PM
Response to Original message
31. Bertha
We have a bereavement group here on DU: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph... It is a safe place to mourn out loud.

You are still in shock, hon. It takes a while to get through it. Even after 3 years, I still sometimes think of calling Mom. :(
Where you are at now is called "The new normal" and there will be some pain adjusting to it. For some weird reason, I came up with a mantra that somehow got me through it all. "It is what it is." I guess maybe it worked for me because I needed to let go of all the what-ifs, y'know?

:hug: for you and Mrs V. I am sorry her health isn't good right now. :(
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Capn Sunshine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 07:50 PM
Response to Original message
32. Missed your OP , but my condolences
it appears to me after recalling your posts over the years about your Dad, it was a life well lived with few regrets. It's always sad when someone leaves us behind, and those you really love never really leave you, but the conversations sure get one sided.

Celebrate your Dad's life as he would wish you did, and live the rest of your own the way he wanted for you. That's the best tribute you can give.
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 08:20 PM
Response to Original message
33. I feel for you Bertha
it's very hard and so strange to lose a loved one so suddenly and it is very hard to believe.

Post when you need to - you are in our thoughts and prayers.

:hug:
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fizzgig Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 08:35 PM
Response to Original message
34. post all you want, bertha
i wish i could do more to help

:hug:
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ikojo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 08:37 PM
Response to Original message
35. Bertha...I've not been coming to DU as regularly
as before so I did not know your dad had passed.

My condolences. I envy those who know their dads well enough to miss them when they are gone. Mine died in 1983 and since I saw him maybe once a year, the only thing I missed and had to get used to was his not coming up to Illinois once a year.

May your dad's memory be for a blessing. If your kindness toward unwanted cats is any indication of the kind of man your dad was, then he was indeed a mensch.
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Flaxbee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 08:59 PM
Response to Original message
36. hi bertha
it'll take as long as it takes, you know? Just be good to yourself; you're already being good to Mrs. V.

I do understand how hard it must be for you to not be able to go home right now. :hug:

Hang in there, you will have ups and downs for a while, probably, so again, be gentle with yourself. I'm so sorry for your pain. And please just post whatever, whenever (or not) you feel like it; it's good to see you around for whatever reason.
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Ellen Forradalom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-12-08 11:05 PM
Response to Original message
37. Our favorite family pasttime is still
laughing about my dad. What a nutty old fuck he was.

I still miss him six and a half years later.
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madinmaryland Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-13-08 12:34 AM
Response to Original message
38. I'm sorry.
:cry:

Do you need help with laudrey
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bertha katzenengel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-15-08 03:16 PM
Response to Reply #38
42. LOL yeah, i do - still
I'm taking the week off even though i can't go home, and doing 2-3 loads a day. (Suffice to say it has piled up).

:hug:
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Robeson Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-13-08 12:38 AM
Response to Original message
39. I hope you will find peace, bertha...
...and it finds you... :hug:
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Giant Robot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-13-08 09:11 AM
Response to Original message
40. When my sainted father passed
I found it absolutely mindblowing that this very important man has died and the world kept marching on as if it was business as usual. I don't think I am unique in any way with this.

I was told when I asked in vain how to deal with my dad's mortality that "you laugh and you cry." I hope you can find peace and release in laughter and tears right now. PM me if you wish to talk.
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applegrove Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-13-08 04:58 PM
Response to Original message
41. Sweetie you are grieving. You are just in the first stage. Trust that
your body will give you the signs to move on to the next stage of grief when you are ready. It will not be easy but trust that in the end you will be okay. You will look out to life once more - this time from a position of added strength because you will have been through so much. Some of the little things that used to bug you will not. Just trust your body. It wants to set things down in a particular pattern so that you can say all the proper goodbyes and learn alot in the process.

Hugs.



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