Okay, Lounge. I think I need some romantic advice.

[krispos42]

Argh, I can't believe I'm doing this on a public forum. Hopefully this won't come around to bite me in the ass...

Okay, here's the story. My ex and I separted two-and-a-half years ago. We have had one child together.

I dated a very nice woman for about 9 months, but I realized she wasn't the right one and broke up with her. Badly. I still regret that.

I dated a second very nice woman for about a month, then we stopped dating and became friends. She's very liberal and very political, so that's good.

I haven't dated since then. It's been about 13 months. I guess I was sort of checking to see if I still wanted to do the American family thing. Loving wife, couple a kids, cat, dog, modest house, you know the drill.

Anyway, this past summer the local police department hired a new school resource officer. I happened to catch her picture in the local paper and was immediately interested. She looks to be about my age. Pretty, blonde, etc. Left-handed, from the way she was wearing her gun and radio mic. And being a cop is one of the professions I really admire and I think is an almost universal indicator of good character, others being fireman, EMT, nursing, teacher, librarian, etc.

So I read the story, looked at the picture, and filed it away in my mind.

Okay, then about two weeks ago I swung by my local convienence store to pick up some dinner for work. A local patrol car was parked at the pump. And it was her inside!

I got into line, and she was two places in front of my paying for the gas with the city credit card. I realized it was her when she joked with the cashier. She was lively and friendly and happy and outgoing and had a wonderful voice!

Now I really want to initiate contact. But I'm sort of socially deficient in this area. And I don't know her relationship status or anything like that.

The only idea I have is to mail her a "Thinking of you" card and introducing myself in writing. I, um, already bought a card. Just a small one.

God, I'm so bad at this.


Anyway, any advice? Recommendations? Clever ideas?

[judaspriestess]

1. can you maybe initiate some type of contact with her

due to her being a new resource school officer?? Like you need information for a research assigment for example? You can then maybe call her a few times from there.

I'd try that first before sending a card.

[krispos42]

6. I don't think so...

at least, not that I can think of. But I'm clever at this stuff, yanno? My kid's too young to go to school, and he spends most of his time with his mom in a different town, anyway, so he'd go to school there.

I work nights, so I guess I could just walk up to her on the job, but I don't know how to flirt or anything like that. And when I'm nervous, I stutter.

Damn, I'm clueless... :-(

[qwertyMike]

39. The only idea I have is to mail her a "Thinking of you" card

Good idea.
Did she recognize you?

Be careful with ladies who own guns.

Just sayin'

Mike

[SPKrazy]

2. see if you can get her to arrest you or something

or like Judaspriestess said come up with some reason to have contact with her and go from there.

:hi:

[zabet]

5. Yeah...

introduce yourself after
you quit twitching and
kissing pavement from
being tased.
;)

[krispos42]

8. She's the school resource officer

I think the judicial system would come down pretty hard on me for dicking around on school property... :-)

[flvegan]

3. Got any idea if she's married?

Seems "initiating contact" with a married cop might be...unwise.

[krispos42]

12. No, I can't see her hand in the picture!!!

She's raised her right hand for the oath, but it cuts off at her waist. :-(

[Dangerously Amused]

15. FYI, a lot of cops don't wear their ring while on duty,

...for safety reasons.

[HEyHEY]

4. Dude, just hope you run into her again

Anything else will spook her.

[krispos42]

53. This seems to be where it is headed.

:-(

I'm reminded of something that happened a couple of years ago in Spain. Hundreds or thousands of women got cards in the mail saying something "We passed on the boulevard last week. I saw you admiring my sexy curves, and I want to get to know you better."

Well, the police received thousands of phone calls from women complaining about a mysterious stalker.





Turns out it was the first stage of a marketing campaign for a sports-car company!

:-)

[LeftyMom]

7. You don't really know her.

You've seen her picture and stood behind her at the gas station.

Honestly, if I were her and you tried to "initiate contact" or gave me a card, you'd strike me as creepy and a potential stalker. And she has a gun.

My advice would be to get over it.

[bicentennial_baby]

11. Seconded

[krispos42]

14. Yeah, that's exactly what I was trying to avoid...

Those damn romantic comedies don't really help, do they? :-(

[Sanity Claws]

16. I agree with everything except the last

Instead of getting over it, is there some way you can meet her socially? Do you know anyone in common?
If you see her again at the gas station or similar place, just say you know about her joining the force and welcome her but leave it at that. If you see her again, you might say hello and gauge whether she even remembers you. If she does, say a little more but not much more. In other words, don't creep her out and go slowly.
In the meantime, keep your eyes open for other prospects.

[krispos42]

21. No, I don't know anybody!

Well, I'm familar with some of the guys at work...

She worked further south, towards the Twin Cities, before being hired by the local police. She may not even be local!

Like I said, I'm socially awkward. When I'm not at work, I'm home doing this! I don't go to church or anything like that, and I've only lived here a few months.

I don't know... the card is the best idea I can come up with. I was hoping somebody had an idea to make an introduction that is cute, not stalker-ish.

Argh!!!!

[datasuspect]

23. agreed

the "get over it" was a bit harsh.

i think the OP probably has innocent intentions.

there could conceivably be some social way to meet this person.

anything is possible.

[LeftyFingerPop]

9. Life is short.

Take a chance.

Be gentle and direct.

I wouldn't try to be clever or witty at all. Just be direct...do it with a smile and speak your mind.

I would probably tell her the same types of things who have said in your OP.

Hey, if you like her, let her know...and best of luck to you.

[krispos42]

19. I can gentle and direct

And I want to take a chance. I just don't know how to get in position to take a chance in the first place!

And I don't want to meet her wearing my grubby work clothes. I look scruffy during the daytime.


Argh.

[liberaltrucker]

10. Contact her when you can

and just be yourself. If she likes you, great!
If not, tel est la vie. Good luck!

[Genevieve]

13. i wouldn't send the card ---

she might feel like she's being stalked.

[question everything]

17. How about dropping by the school office

or by the police office and chat with the secretary/receptionist? Carry this photo with you and comment that you like her and wonder whether she is attached and whether she would be spooked if you just wanted to get to know her?

[Sanity Claws]

18. Poor advice

Don't do it.
As a female, I'd be totally creeped out.

[question everything]

22. Oh, I don't know.

At least you can see him and listen to your guts.

People do this all the time, after all, at work or at other social gathering. Hey, I've noticed that dark haired woman working with you. Can you introduce me? Is she attached?

What's the big deal?

[skygazer]

35. The big deal is he doesn't work with or interact socially with her or anyone who knows her

He'd be a perfect stranger walking in with a photo (of a cop) and saying, "Hey, you know her? Can you introduce me?"

Wierd. Not good. Not a positive first impression.

Card's not good either. Reeks of creepy stalker.

[krispos42]

20. I want to meet her...

...but not in conjunction with an investigation as to why I'm casing a grade school's security measures... :-)

I don't know what to do! :banghead:

[sandnsea]

24. Forget the card, know any high schoolers?

First I'd find out her marital status. Then I'd consider attending school athletic events, if you like sports. If that doesn't work, there has to be a matchmaker type at the school, there always is. Find out who it is and get hooked up. Then there's the police benevolence ball, or whatever police charity events in your town. And if all that doesn't work, you could stalk her a little more and just get arrested. :)

Good Luck!

[krispos42]

41. It's more complicated than that...

She's actually the SRO for two districts that are adjacent, and I would assume she does all of the schools of all grades.

Argh. The only sure way I have to contact her is to write her c/o the police department. Or start selling dope on school grounds...

[PVnRT]

25. Get arrested?

[begin_within]

26. Best opening line is always:

"Are you having a good day?"
listen to their answer and follow up with another question related to the answer. Listen and let them talk, and listen more and listen more and then listen some more. Everyone is dying to have someone they can really talk to, who will really listen.

[Deep13]

27. "...being a cop...is an almost universal indicator of good character..."

I wouldn't rely on that. It's a pretty sweeping statement that contradicts the general notion of not judging individuals by the group. Frankly, a lot of the cops I know are complete assholes. In point of fact the incidents of crime among police officers is higher than that of the general population.

Do you know anything about this woman beyond the fact that she looks good in a uniform? If not then I have to wonder what is causing you to want to direct your attention in that direction.

[Capn Sunshine]

30. A-Men brother

COPS are PEOPLE and as such, run the entire gamut of personality, from Psycho to gentle beauty, and all flavors in between. I've had cops for neighbors who would bring me stash they confiscated, Cops that were homicide detectives and exuded a friendliness and calm becausethey could compartmentalize. Cops for friends who were hopeless trainwrecks of alcohol and disfunction, Cops I have worked with that were the paragon of virtue, Cops I have known who got neck deep in cocaine dealing and ended up in prison, and Cops who were seriously deranged psychos with guns. Oh , and a stalker who was in love with his stepsister who was in love with me. THAT was interesting.

[krispos42]

38. Well...

I figure most people go into law enforcement because they want to help people. Yeah, maybe later on the stress or temptation or power get to them and they become assholes or criminals. But a school resource officer in rural Minnesota?

All I know I put in the OP. In the brief seconds I was actually able to see her interacting with people, she was warm and happy and friendly and nice, all good qualities, I think. It was afternoon, so this was after a day of work, not before. She didn't seem tired or down or anything like that.

I mean, you can extrapolate from the news article that she likes her career path and likes kids, so those are also favorable points.

Understand I'm making no assumptions about how perfect she is for me or anything like that. I'm not planning a wedding or making up little pet names for her or naming the kids we're going to have!

But in the filtering process that we all go through looking for that special someone she's already crossed some preliminary hurdles.

I mean, for all I know she hates kids, Democrats, and fat people, which would disqualify me thrice. Or she's happily married with three kids and a dog. Obviously those are hurdles that would stop the process.

[Deep13]

55. Many people go into law enforcement...

...because they were bullies in high school and they wish to continue being bullies. Again, I'm not saying all or even most, but many.

[Radical Activist]

60. Exactly.

I would strongly hesitate to date anyone in law enforcement. When your job is coming in contact with the worst elements of society, bossing people around on a daily basis, and (depending on the department) working with people who have some pretty negative attitudes about anyone who is poor, a minority or otherwise looks suspicious, it affects a persons personality. I would have to make sure anyone I was interested in dating was the exception to the rule.

[RainDog]

28. how about try some honesty?

go to a florist and request a rose in a box and have it delivered to the woman. Use a card from the florist place (or, better, bring your own plain white card) and write: "I saw your picture when you were (promoted...?) I know some guys on the force (whatever the truth is) but I don't want to ask them to introduce us. Instead, may I invite you to be my guest for a cup of coffee sometime next week?" then sign your name and write down your phone number.

that way you also don't have to speak and worry about a stutter.

before you do that, tho, I would call guys that you do know and ask them if they know if she's married or not. Then you can use actual names... I know x and x on the force... that would be less out-of-nowhere.

[Deep13]

29. Doesn't one rose = "I love you"?

How about a carnation instead?

[RainDog]

32. never heard of that one before

I thought it was just a rose. Rather than a carnation, tho, I'd send a gerbera daisy or a "stalk" of stock. stock smells really good and gerbera's look happy.

but I wouldn't want anyone to sound like a stalker, so maybe not after all. I dunno. Some guy had a dozen roses delivered to me at work. I was flattered. I'd only said two words to him before. We didn't go out, but that was only because I think he was involved in something very illegal...but I didn't mind getting the flowers. (saying that as a ref. to the idea to send a flower as an intro.)

[krispos42]

44. What about a white or yellow rose?

White: innocence, purity, secrecy, friendship, reverence and humility.
Yellow: often akin to joy and deep friendship or platonic love. In German speaking countries, however, they can mean jealousy and infidelity

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rose#Symbolism

[LostinVA]

33. Personally, the rose thing would creep me out, especially if I was a cop

If it was from someone I didn't know from Adam.

[RainDog]

37. okay

I'm definitely not cop material, so I guess I don't think that way. In fact, it's really pretty funny that I'm offering advice considering how -- whatever -- my own life is as far as relationships lately.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

47. Agreed--notes and gifts from unknown people set off "stalker" alarms

in most women I know.

[cutlassmama]

57. I'm in agreement with you. Best idea yet.

Don't do the card or rose thing. Borderline stalking and it would creep me out. If she's married, she'll be offended and after all she's a cop. She got your name and phone number. Not a good idea.

[Capn Sunshine]

31. DROP THE CARD AND BACK AWAY

Dude, listen to yourself. You're a borderline stalker. She's a pic in the newspaper, two dimensional. You don't know her. You might as well be trying to meet Brittany Spears. It's literally the same thing.

Try getting out more I advised someone else about meeting people at Drinking Liberally, DFA, PDA and MoveOn. You'll meet like-minded folks and get involved with the real world, which is a good thing.

[skygazer]

36. I have to agree with this post

Being semi-obsessed with someone you know almost nothing about is more creepy than anything else.

[GCP]

40. Thirded

Sorry Dude, but you need to go much more slowly on this. If you see her on the street, smile and go on your way. Next time, wave and say 'hi'. Time after that maybe something like 'how are you'. But at the moment you sound like a love-lorn teenager when you know absolutely NOTHING about this woman.

[krispos42]

42. Oh, I'm not a borderline stalker, thank you

Starting to hang around her place of work, asking questions of her co-workers... that's stalking, and creepy. I'm well aware of that, which is why I'm not doing it nor planning to.

I was hoping for advice on perhaps a friendly way to introduce myself. Maybe something to write, or a symbolic gift, some sort of cute romantic game? I don't know, which is why I'm asking.

From my point of view, anything I write can be seen in the nice but shy guy want to meet me way or the creepy stalker who thinks he's in love with me want to posess me way.

But often times I'm over-sensitive to such things, and other times I'm under-sensitive. I'm not sure where I am on this issue, hence the OP. The responses here tell me that I'm not really being over-sensitive to the "overly-interested" point of view, that it is a valid concern on my part.

Which means...


I have no good ideas for what to do now. :-(

[RadiationTherapy]

49. It is unnatural now because of your preconceptions about her

which you must have because otherwise she is just a picture.

This same thing happened to me with Drew Barrymore in 1996; there is no way to be 'non-stalkerish' if you have 'fallen' for someone's picture.

[krispos42]

52. It was not the picture that set me thinking, though.

It was seeing and hearing her at the cashier that made me say "Hey, she seems to be a good person, I wonder how I can meet her?"

Hell, I see nice-looking people all the time. Doesn't get me thinking about them like this, wondering how I could meet them and if we'd be a good match.

The closest I've come to your "Drew Barrymore" scenario is Kari Byron from "Mythbusters", except that, while she's a wonderful, talented, and beautiful woman, a) Kari is married, and b) there are a couple of major personal differences that I think would make it not work out. I've never contemplated moving to San Fransisco to woo her, I've never envisioned us married, and I have never sent her anything or tried to communicate with her. That's reality.

It would be nice if the person I find to love has many of the attributes that make Kari attactive to me, though.

[Missy Vixen]

46. Maybe you should explain to me exactly what a "borderline stalker" is

Evidently things have changed a bit since I was dating fifteen years ago. If showing interest in someone else is "borderline stalking", how in God's name does anyone get together? Believe it or not, those who get in the paper as a result of their jobs might be single, might be lonely, and might be looking for a significant other. They might even like the OP. He sounds like a nice, thoughtful, caring guy.

I've been stalked. There's a HUGE difference between someone who's interested and makes a gentle approach, and someone who has been told repeatedly that you're not interested, and continues to pursue in ways that are frightening and dangerous.

I'm with the person who said to talk with someone at the high school, or find out if anyone in his circle of friends may know a cop who knows her status and may be willing to introduce him. I'm hoping more than a little that at the very least, she'll be flattered by the shy attention of the OP.

Julie

[krispos42]

50. I think the concern is that...

often times, "interested but shy" and "obsessed" start out the same gentle way. That you can't tell until things progress.

Oy vey, maybe I should have put a poll up... :-)

[Radical Activist]

59. that was pretty mean

He sounds interested, not obsessed.

[NMDemDist2]

34. don't send a card unless it's a "Congrats on your new position" and it's a bit stale for that

gird your loins, screw up your courage and go to her office and talk to her

but find out before if you can what her marital status is, that's kinda important don't ya think?

[krispos42]

54. I will not be the cause of marital conflict.

Been through it, wouldn't wish it on anybody I like.

[Kat45]

43. Google is your friend.

Unless she has a very common name, you could google her name and perhaps find out more about her--like if she's married. Or look through the web sites for the town, police, school systems, etc. You might be able to learn something there. I'm not saying this to enable stalking; I'm saying it mainly as a way to perhaps find out if she's married. Then if she is, you can forget about her. If she isn't, I'd say you'd have to try to find a way to meet her, through local activities and events. You might want to get out more anyway, just to meet new people and make friends in your new town.

[krispos42]

48. I've deliberately not done that

It's easy, you know? I mean, I spend a lot of time on the DU and like everybody else I whip out Google and Wikipedia at the drop of a hat. Any hat.

But that's regarding abstract discussion with anonymous internet posters that, while I like them, I'm not likely to either learn their true identity nor date them.

On the assumption, foolish that is may be, that I meet her, I do not want to know her story already. I don't want to tell her I researched her and I don't want to judge her if she chooses to not tell part of her history that I secretly know. I would want her to tell me herself.

I feel this way about dating in general. I never Googled either of the two women I dated before, either.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

45. If someone I didn't know sent me a "thinking of you" card, I'd be freaked out

It seems a bit stalkerish. Don't do it.

Your town isn't that big. You must have acquaintances in common, at least someone who can tell you her relationship status.

Barring that, just walk up to her the next time you see her and make a comment about what she's buying--say, if it's at the gas station again, make a comment about gas prices.

I've met you, and there's nothing repulsive about you that would turn a woman off on first meeting. And she'd be charmed by your son, if nothing else.

[krispos42]

51. Yeah, he's a cutie, isn't he?

:-)

He recently decided to cut off his own hair. My ex had to reduce his scalp to peach fuzz to even it out! Poor kid looked like a Marine recruit!



But back on topic... Oh, maybe I need to ask one of the local bartenders tonight. Maybe they know? :shrug:

I knew I should have asked the cashier at the gas station about her when I was paying!

[Withywindle]

56. I think a polite, direct approach is best.

I know you're shy and that's hard, but lots of women like it when a shy guy works up the nerve. It's a compliment.

Nothing stalky or weird like cards or flowers. Just, next time you see her, initiate some small talk and ask her if she'd like to go out for coffee or something sometime. Nothing wrong with that. If she's unavailable or not interested, she'll let you down gently then, but she might say yes!

[AlCzervik]

58. my advice---do not send her a card. Talk to your friends and or coworkers and see

if anybody knows her and what her relationship status is.