I'm so discouraged

[LeftyFingerPop]

As most of you know, I work TWO full-time jobs as follows:

1) My main job is jumping to conclusions

2) My second job is the Manager of the Department of Redundancy Department at a large corporation.

Listen, I work hard all week. As such, I look forward to my weekends. I was planning a nice relaxing day, but noooooooo, can't let that happen. I walk down into my basement today, and what do I find down there but this goddamn thing:



Now, I will have to spend the majority of the weekend trying to coax this thing outside. I know that most of you are thinking "how hard can it be to coax an oxen out of your basement"? Well, let me tell you, this is the third time this has happened to me, and it literally takes two days. So, my weekend is shot now. I called THREE exterminators to try to figure out how the oxen are funding thier way in, but they have no idea.

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

[lost-in-nj]

1. Have you tried running around outside your house

naked of course
yelling
Ollie, Ollie Oxen Free!!?????!!!!!!!!!


Works like a charm for me!!!
the poor things flee....

:hi:

lost

[LeftyFingerPop]

4. His name is...

Mike, not Ollie. :hi:

[LaurenG]

19. Aaaa

best response I could have thought of! :rofl:

[leeroysphitz]

2. Yer gonna need an awful big paper towel...

If you're going to try and squish that thing.

[LeftyFingerPop]

5. I think....

I will have to use a tarp?

[Gormy Cuss]

3. I'll send my cousin over. He's an expert ox handler.

Apparently he's very good at handling young women too. I'm telling his mama!

[LeftyFingerPop]

6. Well..ummm...ahhh....

He's a big dude! Might be just what I need!

[SPKrazy]

7. just leave them there

what the hell

if you get cold you can go sleep with the oxen

:shrug:


if they get hungry they'll leave

:rofl:

[LeftyFingerPop]

8. That's just like you SPK....

I come here for help, and you make jokes about me sleeping with oxen. Well, I bet the lounge is getting a wee bit weary of the old "philboy sleeps with oxen routine". :rofl: :hi:

[SPKrazy]

9. nevah

herr lounge lurves der oxen and ze philboy sleepin together

makes it all worthwhile

:rofl:

:hi:

[Critters2]

10. You gotta stop leaving food where they can get to it,

and, as you say, find the place they're getting in and stuff it with steel wool. They can't get through that stuff.

If you don't figure out how they're getting in and what they're eating, the problem will continue. They don't like being out in the cold either.

Have you tried one of those electronic ultrasound thingies?

[LeftyFingerPop]

11. I'm so glad you posted this...

I just went downstairs to check on him. As it happens, I inadvertently brought home 50 pounds of "Purina Premium Oxen Food" instead of Puppy Chow.

That is what is doing it!

I knew someone here would have the answer!

You DU'er's are great...thank you!

[Critters2]

12. Get rid of that stuff!! And when you get puppy chow, store it

in a metal container. With a tight lid, so even if they knock it around they can't get to the food. Really. Do this and they'll leave on their own.

You're welcome!! :hi:

[hisownpetard]

15. Your post scared me so much, I ran down to the basement to check and, sure enough,

there was a frozen ox down there.
If not for you, I never would've known.
Or at least not till it died and started to smell, somewhere around springtime.

Thank you SO MUCH.

[LeftyFingerPop]

29. Don't be silly...

A FROZEN OX? FROZEN?

EVERYONE knows that an ox will not FREEZE in your basement. Sheeeesh....some people will post ANYTHING!! :rofl:

[hisownpetard]

30. FYI, you are largely misinformed. Anything will freeze in a basement on Cape Cod in winter, and

there's even an affectionate term for them, when they do.
They're called "Froxen."

So obviously there are SOME things you actually do not know.

[LeftyFingerPop]

32. Froxen...

:rofl:

I have forced hot air heat. I cut into my ducts in the basement, and actually put registers in them. Works like a charm...basement stays nice and toasty.

[hisownpetard]

34. I knew you were a duct-cutter. I just knew it.

[LeftyFingerPop]

36. Ain't a duct been made that I can't cut...

[hisownpetard]

37. Yeah, well...I'm starting to not mind my froxen so much; they're looking kind'a cute right about now

[LeftyFingerPop]

38. Like this?

[hisownpetard]

39. NO!!! That's a THOXEN*, dummy!

*thawed oxen

[LeftyFingerPop]

41. ...

[hisownpetard]

42. Hey! Keep that telephoto lens focused on my basement, not my bedroom, will ya?

[hoozyorsugadaddy]

13. Good luck

[LeftyFingerPop]

14. Thank you hoozyorsugadaddy...

and welcome to DU! :hi:

[sarge43]

16. I believe that's Highland breed

Just hire a bagpiper to play Scotland the Brave and s/he will quick march right out of your basement.

[LeftyFingerPop]

21. ....

Hark where the night is falling
hark hear the pipes a calling
Loudly and proudly calling down thru the glen
There where the hills are sleeping
Now feel the blood a leaping
High as the spirits of the old highland men

Towering in gallant fame
Scotland my mountain hame
High may your proud standards gloriously wave
Land of my high endeavor
Land of the shining river
Land of my heart forever, Scotland the Brave

High in the misty mountains
Out by the purple highlands
Brave are the hearts that beat beneath Scottish skies
Wild are the winds to meet you
Staunch are the friends that greet you
Kind as the love that shines from fair maidens eyes :hi:

[qwertyMike]

17. 2 by 4

HARD on the ass. I mean HARD.

Did that with my cows way back when.

Mike

P.S.: why do you have an Ox?

[LeftyFingerPop]

22. I could NEVER hit an animal Mike...

you see, I am a pacifist by nature. Now if you will excuse me, my neighbor is making too much noise for a Sunday night, so I need to go over there and beat the hell out of him.

Why do I have an Ox? That's what I would like to know Mike, that's what I would like to know. :hi:

[skygazer]

18. Havahart trap

Bait it with carrots. They can't resist. Then carry it outside and let it go several blocks from your house. :hi:

[LeftyFingerPop]

24. OK, I finally found a trap big enough...

but where will I find some carrots at this time of night? :hi:

[skygazer]

26. Man, everything's an issue with you!

:P

Got any hay? That would work in a pinch. :D

[LeftyFingerPop]

28. Hay? Hay????

I live in a penthouse on the 15th floor. Where the hell am I going to get hay? (Oh wait...that means I would not have a basement. Damn, now I have to think up some more bullshit).

[hisownpetard]

33. aHAH! A person who tells a lie will eventually reveal that his penthouse apt.

has no basement and, therefore, no oxen.

It was all a crude ruse.
Some people will do anything to garner sympathy!!

I'd write a longer response but I have to go feed the ailing aardvark I found
chewing on tree bark in the nearby park.

[darkstar]

20. Good luck with that...

Gonna watch Ticket to New Years tomorrow w/ friends (Winterland being a tad too long at our ages...hahaha)

Good to see you, bro-bro.

:hi:

[LeftyFingerPop]

25. Hello Mr. darkstar...

It is good to hear from you...long time no type to.

I was thinking about you earlier today. Do you remember that 1978 US Blues that you posted? I resurrected that today, and all I can say is OMG! :rofl: A little bit of energy in that vid...

I hope you are well, and I wish you and yours a happy and prosperous new year. :hi:

[darkstar]

31. Likewise on my mind...

We got back from our 9 days of traveling (my dad in LA, ms. d's mom in MO, all of which took us through SPK turf, I believe) and when we got home last night we watched set 2 of Truckin' off to Buffalo. Was that you in the tie-dye dancing?

Haha.

We're off our game. We need to post something sure to cause a stir. I'll go first:

[LeftyFingerPop]

35. Hmmmm....

Well, I was at that show, but I didn't wear tie dye. Here is a pic of me dancing during "Bertha".

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

23. These infestations are complicated.

First, you have to be sure there aren't more of them, so you'll need to set out enough bait to lure out any remaining oxen that might be hiding out of sight, like under the washer and dryer or in the floor drain. They are crafty and skittish, so put the your bait, a mixture of truffles, lichens and waffle syrup, in a perforated bucket suspended from the ceiling, then go upstairs, close the door and wait. Do not make a sound until you can hear them eating. At this point you can pull the rope attached to the block and tackle leading to the rope controlling the net. When the net drops over the oxen you can run downstairs and tie up the open end of the net, drag the oxen upstairs, put them in the back seat of your car and drive them to a park, where you can release them back into the wild. But be sure you've filled up the cracks around your foundation or they will just crawl back in. It's a good idea to keep a couple of polar bears as pets to prevent further infestations.

[LeftyFingerPop]

27. Now THIS....

is some advice I can use!!! Finally, someone understands my problem. Thank you! DU is great! :hi:

[Beausoir]

40. Get a huge tennis raquet and smack it when it takes flight.

[hisownpetard]

43. Yeah, and then just pray that your neighbor across the street who plays tennis with you

doesn't think it's a volley!

[LeftyFingerPop]

49. My Sis's husband...

used to have to keep a racket in the bedroom because they had bats. I used to get them occasionally too, but I learned that they head for fresh air and darkness when frightened...so I would just turn on the lights and open a window and they would fly right out. :)

[blondie58]

44. philboy- could it be that the oxen is a bit like a cat? you know

a cat always chooses YOU, not the other way around. I say, give the poor guy a chance- you know, he is kinda cute- well, more like so ugly he is cute, but whatever. Good luck.

[LeftyFingerPop]

47. Thanks blondie...

had not thought of it that way. :D

[Ellen Forradalom]

45. Are you ghostwriting Haruki Murakami's novels?

Because he does seem to be cranking them out one after the other.

[LeftyFingerPop]

46. Ellen...

are you going to make me Google his name? :D

[Ellen Forradalom]

48. Yes. And after that

You are going to the bookstore to pick up a copy of the Wind-up Bird Chronicle.

[LeftyFingerPop]

50. I have not read a good book in awhile.

The internets seem to take up my reading time. Will I like this book? I just read a synopsis of it and it seems good...

[Ellen Forradalom]

51. I loved it

I have no idea if you will. But give it a try.

[LeftyFingerPop]

52. I just may do that Ellen...

Thanks! :D

[peekaloo]

53. Turn up the heat. Looks pretty cold down in the basement.

Hope them thangs don't shed.

[LeftyFingerPop]

54. They shed like crazy...

and I'm making a blanket out of the hair as I am posting. :D

[hisownpetard]

57. Crocheting, knitting, or weaving?

[CorpGovActivist]

55. Frozen Oxen, Tibet, 1846

Hisownpetard alerted me to this thread, and I wanted to share with you that you may be the next http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=%22frozen+oxen%22+tibet+1846">Dalai Lama.

Right about now, the oxen are thinking, "Just how stupid is this guy?!? We're freezing our <redacted> off picking him, and picking him again, and picking him again. More like Dalai Vanna; buy a clue!"

:rofl:

- Dave

[Phentex]

56. I'M CALLING PETA RIGHT NOW! I'M SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this talk of harming Mike somehow is tearing my heart into a million pieces. What did he ever do to you? He just wants love like everyone else!

So he doesn't wear underwear? So what? Leave Mike ALOOooOoNE!!!!!!!!!!