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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:07 PM
Original message
It's not the having an ex-wife that bothers me so much...
...as having to interact with her on a weekly basis.

For my weekends with my kid, you see.

And now I found out that she, our kid, her bf, and their kid just got a hi-def LCD TV and a PS3 because somebody nominated them as 'deserving' to a local radio station/Best Buy charity. This is two weeks after getting a substantial donation of new and used furniture from another charity.

Dammit, she left ME! She had an affair seven months (!) after pushing out our one and only kid, told me she a) was having an affair and b) she wanted a divorce the evening before my very first father's day!!!

"I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" kind of crap.

And she ademently refused to work on it. Hell, before we even moved to the Cities she had posted a personals ad online, met her current bf, and fallen for him.

And I tried. One day I spend between 1am and 5am writing her a love poem. Sitting in total darkness at the computer. And I don't do poetry! I am not a poet. I don't read it, I don't write it. Yet I was inspired to write this beautiful poem about her!

Long after we had moved to the Cities, and her bf and moved in with her, I tried. I tried far longer than was probably wise or healthy or smart. I tried, in fact, until I found out she a) was preggers with his child, and b) had HIV.

She says it was from a needle stick at a job she never mentioned she had gotten. Of course, I have documented proof that they were doing some kinky sexual stuff, so God alone knows what's true.

She get's child support. She is on all kinds of public aid, both for food and for medical care. I'm the one trying to rebuild my life without anybody's help. I have no partner to spit expenses with. I'm lonely, and drowning this lonliness on a daily basis at work and on the DU. I'm responsible for medical insurance and costs for my son. I'm the one who has to do all of the driving to pick up and drop off my son. Over two hundred miles a week!

And she's getting a 40" Samsung? She's getting a loaded PS3? And her mom bought them a Wii this summer!

I was really happy last night after my company's Christmas party scored me a $50 gift card and a neat folding tailgating chair. And my company was giving away a lot of old computer stuff, so I snagged a 20" CRT to replace my 17" one. It's twelve years old, but hey, it works great.

I don't know, maybe I'm just being a whiny bastard. I mean, my parents are planning on giving me one of their cars when they buy a new one, so that will save me a car payment when the beater dies. And now that my company is starting a 401(k) plan I'll be able to put the "car payment" towards my retirement instead.

But, shit! A 40-inch 1080p LCD TV and a PS3!!! And my child support just more than doubled, too, because now that I work 5 days a week in stead of four, I lose a lot of time with my kid.

At least for now I have overtime to keep me going well financially. But if that dries up, I fear I'm going to need to get a second job to be just "not desperate".

<sigh>

I wish if she was going to leave me she would have done it before we had kids, so I wouldn't have this wound that keeps being picked at on a weekly basis. It hurts when the thin scab gets poked. Or, like today, ripped off.

So, in lieu of a hug from a significant other, I'm going to get in the shower and wash off the tears. I'm going to get the scab grow back while I drown my sorrows at Wendy's for some lunch before work. And then, tomorrow, I have to go get Sam. And probably see the damn TV.

She wanted me to help put a cable wire in Sam's room. Of course, she asked me this before telling me about the new TV, so now I don't know what to do. I don't want to spend time there anymore. Not this week.

Writing this made me feel a little better. Actually, it reminds me that I need some romantic advice, but I'll have to post that request later on.

Thanks for listening, Lounge. :hugs:
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ceile Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:11 PM
Response to Original message
1. *sigh*
Do you want me to kick her ass?

:hug: :hug: :hug:
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NMDemDist2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:12 PM
Response to Original message
2. major suckage dude, get a lawyer and get custody of the kid
she's a loser and the kid needs a good parent

:hug:
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:24 PM
Response to Reply #2
4. You must be on my mom's payroll...
:-)


She's a decent mom. And I don't think taking Sam away from his mom would be good for him.

And then I'd have to uproot my live and move back to Connecticut, probably move in with my parents ( :scared: ) because I can't take care of him while working full-time all by myself.

It's just... dammit, I don't think they deserve it!!!!

<sigh>

I mean, I would understand if I was a flake or a druggie or a drunk or a cheater or an abuser or a criminal and she left me, but "I love you but I'm not in love with you?"

That just hurts.





My original plan was to move to South Dakota and spend a few years there with her family nearby. They moved there, and we followed a year or so later. Spend a few years on the prairie (which I like), start a family, etc. Then after a decade or so, move back to Connecticut to help take care of my parents. After all, my parents are a decade older than hers, so they'll need the help sooner!

Now, barring her death from AIDS or heart failure (she has a family history with that), we're staying betwixt and between.
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AnneD Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:23 PM
Response to Original message
3. Welcome to the club.....
don't feel like the Lone Ranger. I had to work like a dog every other weekend (the weekends that I don't have my kid) to make ends meet. I would have been happy giving the support to ex's mom (since he still lives with his mom AND has custody of my daughter). At least I know his mom would spend it on my daughter. He is selfish and does spend a lot on himself.


The only thing we can do is bide our time and hope the children are take care of. I am 5 months from finishing my child support. Say, I can give you some of my Vaseline. I don't think I'll be needing it to much more.


:grouphug:
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BarenakedLady Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:29 PM
Response to Original message
5. I'm sorry
That sounds like an awful situation.

:hug:
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 02:08 AM
Response to Reply #5
23. I'm through the worst of it
at least until my son starts asking tough questions to answer... ugh.

It's just... she made a selfish choice after two (!) years of fertility treatment to try to have our kid in the first place! It was selfish and wrong and foolish. It did hurt, continues to hurt, and will hurt a lot of people. And I, very selfishly, don't want great stuff like this happening to her. She doesn't deserve it and neither does her bf, who in my opinion should have seen what was happening and said "I'm not getting involved here".

Ten years together... down the toilet! :hurts:
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SacredCow Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:34 PM
Response to Original message
6. That's just sickening....
But hang in there- Karma has a way of catching up with that type.
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 02:11 AM
Response to Reply #6
24. Well, she got HIV out of the deal
And I test clean, so that's something, I guess.

I guess I just have to find a spectacular woman to make her insanely jealous... :-)
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SacredCow Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 09:28 AM
Response to Reply #24
29. I suppose that could be the Karma in action....
but I really hate to say or think that- Nobody deserves HIV... :(

Best of luck to you with finding the new lady, though!
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 11:41 AM
Response to Reply #24
32. dude nobody deserves to die from an affair. nt
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 05:11 PM
Response to Reply #32
38. I guess not, no
But it's not like I wished she would get it, nor did I give it to her. She claims it was from a needle prick.


I don't believe the word "needle" in that statement.


It's not like I "pushed" her into adultery or anything like that, either. Our intimate life was very active, tender, and loving, and neither of us ever used sex as a weapon or tool.

:shrug:

Both of our families tried to change her mind about this. She wouldn't listen. :-(
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ThomCat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:39 PM
Response to Original message
7. I wish we were all nearby so we could come over.
We could take over your kitchen and cook something good and homey, and sit around your living room and talk and hang out.

We would probably all have a wonderful time. It sounds like you need those kinds of social interactions.

:hug:
For what it's worth, I'll be thinking about you. Your post will be one I remember.
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GreenPartyVoter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 05:10 PM
Response to Reply #7
14. Wicked cool idea! Too bad we can't do that.
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lildreamer316 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 05:32 PM
Response to Reply #7
16. Hell,
*I* need those kinds of social interactionss!
It would be nice to help that way, and in the process,be helped.
Well, at least my thoughts are with the OP... ;)
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 02:24 AM
Response to Reply #7
25. Off my keyboard, I'm adrift socially
Understand that I was a loner in grade school. I met her at age 19, and until after we separated and I met somebody else, my ex was my first and only. I was sad to leave her to go to work and happy to see here when I got back. We did pretty much everything, except "guy stuff" like shooting and hunting, together. As in, joined at the hip kind of thing.

I curled around her every night at bedtime, too. She was always joking about having to fight me off of her when she wanted to roll over.

I was so happy to not be one of those guys sho complains about his wife as an "anchor" or "ball-and-chain" or "old lady" or whatever.

So, ultimately, most of my interactions with people were her or her family. At work it was too noisy to really talk, except during breaks. Towards the end, I transferred to the weekend shift (3 people total) and I was becoming friends with the guy that ran the punch press, but moving shot that all to hell, too.

So, I'm not good at this social interaction stuff. I've gotten better with it since high school, but I don't even know how to flirt! At least, not to a stranger.




Well, you can come over if you want, but pickin's are mightly slim here. Got lots of Tootsie-Rolls and most of a bag of chips. And the mystery bowl in the fridge might prove entertaining...




Thanks, ThomCat... :hug:
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zonkers Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 12:23 PM
Response to Reply #7
34. I thought you were saying you wish we could all come over his wife's and watch the hi def and play
with the playstation.
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Pierre.Suave Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:39 PM
Response to Original message
8. wow
what a hard situation.

I feel for you man, but I really dont know what to say other than hang in there, it will get better.
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MagsDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 02:45 PM
Response to Original message
9. ILYBINILWY
Edited on Fri Dec-14-07 02:49 PM by MagsDem
"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is such a lame breakup phrase. Possibily the lamest. This might make you feel better....

From the Urban Dictionary:

I love you but I'm not in love with you -

Phrase used exclusively by shallow self-absorbed individuals who actually have no concept of what it means to love or be loved. Their hearts are vacant and usually associate sex not with a deeply emotional or spiritual experience but rather purely a physical and transient act involving no emotion. Such individuals are limited in both intellect and in normal socialization skills. People who use this overused cliche usually suffer from a combination of schizotypal disorder and sociopathy. A catch-all phrase when the person doing the dumping knows there is no reason for the relationship to end, other than for purely selfish reasons of wanting to pursue sexual relations with other individuals outside of the current relationship.



Hugs
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 02:27 AM
Response to Reply #9
26. That's a helluva definition
and more right than wrong! :-) :-(


Thanks...
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MissMillie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 03:18 PM
Response to Original message
10. I'm sorry you're lonely
:hug:

I know what that feels like. And I know the holidays only exaggerate the feeling.

I don't know what divorce is like because no one ever wanted to marry me. But I'm sure it hurts.

put your son's cable in for him, not for the ex wife.




:hug: that's a hug from me
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 02:31 AM
Response to Reply #10
27. Well, I'll be in CT for Christmas
All by my lonesome, though. I brought him out there for Thanksgiving (9 days), so now it's her turn with him for Christmas. But my parents were really pushing for me to come out. And, not having a girlfriend or something to keep me here, I'm going there!

I might do the cable on Monday. Or just leave them the drill and some bits for it. I don't know if I want to go in their apartment right now.
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 03:22 PM
Response to Original message
11. Fucking hell... now *I'm* pissed off!
I could really go on a rant here... about selfishness, greed, having "boyfriends" around your kids that soon after a divorce, etc.

I'm sorry about your situation... :pals:
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 02:50 AM
Response to Reply #11
28. Oh, it was worse than you think
A lot worse. Details that I think I will keep to myself. Too embarassing to post.





She went like totally weird after Sam was born.

I think I knew it was temporary, but by the time she settled down, so to speak, it was too late.

Her fucking parents (may they meet Jesus soon, and via a flaming car wreck) didn't help either. Rather than, you know, being natural allies in this fight (they really liked me), they decided to get Sam "out of the situation" (and probably prevent us from moving out-of-state) by calling up Child Protective Services and lying to them about us neglecting Sam!

I have a nice letter from CPS saying that, after an investigation, the allegations were unfounded.

Great, isn't it? I have a letter saying I'm officially not a shitty parent.

Well, we couldn't move quick enough after that.

They even had me arrested on an outstanding misdemeanor warrant hours after I parked the U-Haul in the driveway. I had bounced a $21 check for mini-golf two years ago while on vacation and the owner had pressed charges. Well, I had never gotten around to getting it taken care of, so after six months an arrest warrant was issued. Which led nowhere... until the local police got a fax from the county where the check had bounced, confirming my dangerous fugitive status.

An hour after receiving the fax (I saw it in the station), at 5am, the local fuzz drop by to arrest me and haul me off to jail (a full blocka and a half away).

I don't think the Brown County Sheriff's Office is in the habit of clearing up the backlog of open warrants at that time, do you? Especially since Brown County is on Mountain Time and I was on Central Time, so Brown County sent the fax at 3am!

One of the local sheriff's deputies felt so bad for me that, once the judge had set bail, he offered to go to the ATM for me to get the bail money! So I took him up on the offer, and a few minutes later I was back to loading up the U-Haul.

So when I say that about a flaming car wreck, I am being most sincere.
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SammyWinstonJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 04:05 PM
Response to Original message
12. ...
:hug:
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blue cat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 04:47 PM
Response to Original message
13. In the same boat as you
except I don't have children which I'm sure makes it much harder. This place really helped me. Just got the same brush off about not having feelings bull shit.
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 05:16 PM
Response to Reply #13
39. Children make it harder
If there was no kid, I would have just not seen her again. Goodbye, see ya, don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!

My boss was able to do that because his ex had an affair and filed for divorce after all the kids were grown and through college. Once the divorce fight was over, out of sight, out of mind.

I still have two decades of this crap to go through.




Last week was hard when I handed him back. He wanted, was screaming for me, to stay.

That hurts. A lot.
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Bucky Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 05:28 PM
Response to Original message
15. Dude, you're getting hammered.
There's no cure for this but time. She sounds a little sadistic. Having gone thru very similar wringers, I can only reccommend keeping it cool in front of her and concentrate on having fun during your visitation hand-offs.

The ONLY road to healing is living your own life and letting time process your hurt. It sucks, but fighting on her level will only make it hurt more.

I'm sorry you're stuck in this. It's bullshit and you deserve better.
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Tuesday Afternoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 07:19 PM
Response to Original message
17. Really sorry to read this. I read this and I think please
be a God that will right all wrongs. If not in our time then some time. Praying that some time comes soon for you :hug:
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Lydia Leftcoast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 07:37 PM
Response to Original message
18. Krispos, if you do get a chance to come to the Cities, we can arrange a daytime
Edited on Fri Dec-14-07 07:38 PM by Lydia Leftcoast
meeting for you.

Maybe not at the Olive Garden... :-)

I know that you work nights, so that it's hard to socialize, but perhaps you could join a gym and take a regular class in circuit training or something that appeals to you. I've found that to be a good way to meet people--not just working out on your own but seeing the same people three times a week.
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 05:24 PM
Response to Reply #18
40. I'm down in the Cities every Saturday and Monday
Maplewood/Oakdale area. I pick up Sam, maybe get lunch with a friend (I think you met her at the Olive Garden), then head up back home.

As to working out...

Well, I have this problem.

Inertia. A body at rest tends to stay at rest, etc., etc., etc.

Left to my own devices, I work, I sleep, I eat, I'm on the Internet.

Pretty basic.

I don't like exercising, or church, and have no hobbies of note, so I'm just sort of outside the normal social interactions. :shrug:
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riderinthestorm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 07:50 PM
Response to Original message
19. The holidays just make the blues, even bluer don't they?
I am so sorry to hear your woes... you just gotta know though, that her karma is going to kick her in the ass someday and good.

You are obviously a caring person, a loving person. You will find your perfect mate - I know it.

And try to think of the tv and other stuff as things that your son will use and enjoy. If you keep thinking that it's all stuff for your ex, it will make you crazy. Instead try to focus on how this stuff will be for your son....

:hug:
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SammyWinstonJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 07:53 PM
Response to Reply #19
20. About that "karma" thing, I have never known it to happen.
:shrug: At least not too the people who really deserve it.
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riderinthestorm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 09:06 PM
Response to Reply #20
21. I know. It's just one of those "good thoughts" that you just damn well hope are true.
somewhere, sometime, some day in the future or you are gonna tear your hair out in frustration at how the baddies always win....

There's got to be some hope that the "good guys" always win.
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Robeson Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-14-07 09:17 PM
Response to Original message
22. Sorry, man. It's not much, but all I have to offer is this....
... :hug:
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 05:26 PM
Response to Reply #22
41. Thanks...
those are hard to come by when you're single! :-)
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Breeze54 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 09:41 AM
Response to Original message
30. Child support is for the child, not her! Glad you're paying it...
many don't pay at all. You should be happy your child has some nice things!

She has HIV? :( No wonder she's getting some extra help. That sucks!!

I'm sorry you're lonely. I'm sorry you got hurt. That's what happens in a lot of divorces.

Whatever improves her life, improves Sam's life; so be happy for that.

Maybe you should join a group, so you can meet someone too!?!

I hope you feel better! :hug:

Oh and congrats on the new chair, the gift card and the car!!! :D







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noamnety Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 11:36 AM
Response to Original message
31. One of the things about relationships
is that you can't control another person's feelings. Writing poetry late at night won't convince another person to be in love with you. Knowing that they "owe it to you" to be in love with you can't create that emotion in them, obligation doesn't create emotion.

Given her feelings, would you have wanted her to stay with you for another 50 years, NOT loving you? I think it's probably better in the end that she left.

I remember some threads here before about a guy who was married, then years later figured out that he was gay, and the wife (actually a friend of the wife) was really angry. I wrote you could look at that situation a bunch of ways, and I suppose one was that he could have sucked it up and just stayed in the marriage, and nobody would have been the wiser ... and that - depending on your point of view - some people might have considered that heroic in some way, that he was willing to sacrifice his own happiness to give his wife the illusion of happiness, even if he knew it was false and he was just going through the actions.

I suppose your wife could have done that, just stayed in a marriage that was making her unhappy in a heroic sacrifice to you, but I don't think you'd have really wanted that, would you?

In the end, be honest, it's probably best for both of you that she left you. The timing - before father's day - is painful, but she may have felt she didn't want to go through a sham of lying to you all through father's day. I think it would have been worse to have a happy father's day, and then find out afterwards it was all bs.

I have a cousin who died of AIDS. "kinky" sexual stuff didn't cause it. Having unprotected sex with an infected person caused it, and all the "kinky" sexual activities in the world are unrelated to that. I don't know what it means that you "have documentation" of her kinky sexual activities. It's enough that she had unprotected sex with another person. That affects you. Anything beyond that probably is something you should just let go of - that's not your issue. As for how she contracted it, that also is not your issue. She may have had a needle jab, she may have got it from sex, whatever. The details of how she contracted it is part of her life now, not yours.

You are in a position to put money into a 401k, thanks to having parents who are in a position to give away used cars rather than sell them. If you have spare money to put away for retirement, even after paying some child support, that's a good thing. It shows you aren't truly living on the edge. Be grateful for that.

And try to move beyond being so caught up in material things, putting so much value on them, that you could feel jealous of a woman on welfare who has aids, just because she has a tv that you covet.

I'm not saying any of that to put you in your place, your emotions are what they are, and you are entitled to them. I'm saying that I think you'll be happier if you can think on a deeper level here - recognize that you could not control her feelings toward you, and given that her feelings weren't there for you, it's a good thing you aren't spending the rest of your lives together. That would have been a sad existence. And also I think you'll be happier when you get to a place where people's lives are valued and understood in a way that goes beyond what techogadgets they own, because deep down you know that's not what matters.
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 11:03 PM
Response to Reply #31
45. I am sorry about your cousin
:hug:

She only found out about it about a year ago, so there's hope that by the time it becomes a serious factor, they'll have either better treatments or a cure of some kind for her.



I'm not jealous of the TV or PS3 because I want them for myself. I'm pissed because she's getting the charity! I'm not saying I deserve it in place of her, but I'm saying I don't think she deserves it. As I mentioned before, they already have a Wii (I have a PS2), and their old TV is a 25" or 27" Sony, compared to my 24" Sanyo. Which I am happy with because I'm waiting for them to get the whole hi-def system sorted out, between the cable companies, the satellite people, and the broadcasters. And for the money, of course.

I'll likely be using my Sanyo until it dies a natural death. I don't chase the latest and greatest stuff.

But I mean, isn't there a family out there that recently lost a parent? How about the survivors of a military family? Or maybe a family that had a tragic home fire? Or some horrible medical tragedy?




Or at least, I was pissed. Posting here has helped quite a bit.




The problem with "feelings" is that she did have them for me. She says she lost them during our struggle with infertility, which was, natually, emotionally trying. And after she had Sam, rather than trying to work on the problem, to rediscover what she had apparantly lost, hid the feeling from me for I don't know how many months and years, then jumped ship.

She made promises of "it's just a separation", "I need to be on my own for a little while", "we can see a counseler in the Cities". I don't know if she was just letting me down easy, making the transition easier for me, or just fooling herself, but I do know none of it happened. Her current bf entered the scene almost immediately, and that had had something to do with it. Probably everything.

Given her feelings, would you have wanted her to stay with you for another 50 years, NOT loving you? I think it's probably better in the end that she left.


I think that's where she is now. I think that's where she's been for about, hmmm, maybe a bit more than a year. About when she found out she was pregnant again. Except that all this started happening two-and-a-half years ago, you see.

I think where she is now, and where I am now, it's not recoverable, and I've accepted that. And no, I wouldn't want the underlying theme of Pearl Jam's "Better Man" playing out. I wanted her to rediscover what she had lost.

I don't know. I told her repeatedly that if she wanted to get back together we could, but she would have to call my mother and sort out a plan. I told her, and this is true, that my love for her seriously clouds my judgement and that I needed somebody else, in this case, my social worker mom who's big on "plans", to help sort this out. The plan probably would have entailed moving back to Connecticut and me finishing college or getting a job in my dad's union. But her making that call also would have been rock-solid proof, in my mind at least, that she was serious and committed to reconcilliation.

She never made the call. Probably the fact that I adametly refuse to forgive her parents for lying to CPS didn't help, either, but they are three hundred miles to the west and lying deceitful scum that tried to get our son lost in protective foster care indefinately, so I don't care.

So we didn't get back together only to break up again and again, there were no further betrayals, and that's a good thing ultimately.
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noamnety Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Dec-16-07 12:37 AM
Response to Reply #45
47. It sounds like you are having a really hard time letting go.
and you need to.

Apologies in advance for being excessively blunt here, but she is your EXwife. Her possessions are not your possessions, and her finances are not yours to sort out. Wanting to control what gifts other people give her or comparing the inches of her television set to your television set, or her bf's salary to yours is not very healthy. Your life and hers aren't a contest; they are separate now, with some small overlap because you share a child.

I understand that feeling of replaying everything in your mind to see what you could have done differently, we all do that. I think it's a way for the brain to try to find new paths, and when it keeps running up against a brick wall it keeps going down those same paths hoping to find a different outcome this time. It's like how my cat will cry to be let out, then see that it's raining and refuse to budge ... and then a few minutes later, she'll cry at a different door to see if maybe it's not raining from that exit.

The thing is, in the end it doesn't do much good to run through the litany of all the options you gave her for trying to make it work ... that's not an outcome that she wanted, for whatever reason. Maybe that doesn't make it any easier to cope with, I don't know, but it seems to me that's a category of resentment that you should work on recognizing as your natural response, not something that she did "wrong." It's not wrong to leave a relationship that you don't want to be in. The way she went about it, sure, that was a major weakness on her part that hurt other people, but the leaving itself, if she didn't want to be in the relationship she was right to leave. It might be a few years before you'll be ready to admit that to yourself, but she was right to leave rather than stay in a marriage she didn't want to be in.

I know from the responses that I am in the minority here, but if my ex were acting like he should be in control of my budget, or if he acted like the world was unfair because someone else gave me a gift, if he were obsessing over the details of the amount of inches my tv screen was or what brand I have, if he were still discussing the details of reconciliation in a way that sounded like he was still leaving hedging room for how this could work out, I would be more than a little freaked out by it. She is your ex-wife, she has a relationship with another man now and a child with him, she's made it clear she doesn't want to be married to you, and you are writing "I think where she is now, and where I am now, it's not recoverable."

Not sure if all that will just piss you off, or give you another perspective to ponder. I'm hoping it in some way helps you come to terms with those boundaries between what happens in her own life now, which is hers, and your reaction to the breakup itself, which is yours. I think that's a boundary that all divorced people have to come to terms with at some point, and we all get there in our own ways. It's something I had to deal with - and still deal with from time to time. I'd be lying if I said I was perfect in that regard. :)

One of my vets for peace folks loaned me a book, At Hell's Gate: A Soldier's Journey from War to Peace, that might be an interesting read for you: http://www.amazon.com/At-Hells-Gate-Soldiers-Journey/dp...
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Dec-16-07 01:04 AM
Response to Reply #47
48. Had. Had a hard time letting go.
And I generally avoid stating absolute certainties in my writings, just FYI. You'll see "I think", "probably", and "I believe" a lot.

My point of contention is that it was a public charity gift. If, say, her or his parents had given them the stuff, I would be like "wow, that's pretty cool" and left it at that. But it wasn't. Stories were submitted and they picked hers as "worthy", that's what gets me.

The other information I submitted, well, I made a choice to bring this public, and accurate information needs to be out there if responses are going to be relevant.

I think part of it, too, is me needing to say to myself "I did everything I could in this manner". I think I did, but not being particularly socially adept or a "people person" I often wonder. Though a lot less than I used to.

Hell, most days betwen the DU and work I rarely think about her at all. I have my cell phone on me or near me 24 hours a day so if something goes wrong I'll know immediately, and that comforts me a lot.



Truth be told, the hardest part to come to grips with was the fact that the person I thought she was was significantly different from who she was. Because the outside was the same, you see. Same look, same laugh, same voice, same clothes, same mannerisms, same habits.
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BreweryYardRat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 12:02 PM
Response to Original message
33. Yeesh.
I'm not sure what to say, except that you're obviously a better parent and person than she is.

Try to get custody of your kid as soon as you have the finances to raise him. Trust me, he'll thank you for it someday.
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 12:49 PM
Response to Reply #33
36. while i do think she is a bad wife, where in this do you read she is a bad mother?
depriving a kid his/her mother for spite, is not in the best interest of the child.
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NC_Nurse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 12:32 PM
Response to Original message
35. Ouch. She sounds like a real case.
Someday you'll be glad to be rid of her. I hope your child
gets what he needs, I'd keep a close eye on that.

Having a big TV will not fix her problems, don't dwell on it.
:hug:
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Karenina Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 01:13 PM
Response to Original message
37. There's something about the perseveration on "stuff"
that I find quite disturbing... :freak:
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hisownpetard Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 05:50 PM
Response to Reply #37
43. What? What does this mean?
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Mz Pip Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 05:36 PM
Response to Original message
42. Aside from all the emotional
Edited on Sat Dec-15-07 05:36 PM by Mz Pip
turmoil this is causing I have to comment on 40 tv being considered 'charity'. That is just weird. Charity, IMHO, should be limited to food, clothing, the necessities of life. A fucking 40" and a Play-station? Good grief! The cost of those items could provide needed food and clothing for more than one needy family. This kind of donation seems totally inappropriate considering how many deserving families need money to pay rent, utilities and buy gas.

No wonder you are upset. You feel used and taken advantage of with good reason. Reading this makes me feel angry and I don't even know her.

Take care. Your son is lucky to have you. Sounds like his mom and her boyfriend are real pieces of work.

:hug:

Mz Pip
:dem:
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krispos42 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 11:19 PM
Response to Reply #42
46. Courtesy of Best Buy. She said the reciept that came with it totaled $2,800.
Which means it probably cost Best Buy about $2,000 to donate them. Frankly, they probably could have just used the two grand to dig themselves out of their financial hole, but whatever. I guess it was a radio station thing, so of course there needs to be publicity and such. Somebody nominated them, apparantly.

I mean, I understand they are going through difficulties as well. I know because WE went through those same difficulties when WE were married! Hell, we have $1,350 in bounced check or debit card fees in one year! ONE YEAR! $15 a pop, do the math!

And no, they are not tax deductable. I tried. :-(

This is a chronic problem with her. Steady employment. And her bf is in the manager program of a retail chain, so in a year or two he'll be making a lot more than I do, or so she told the judge at the child support hearing. As it is, he makes about half of what I do, maybe a bit more.

So I know where they are coming from. I really do. Seems to be something she carries with her.

But, dammit, she went straight from me to him with nary a pause. I guess she had gotten over all of her grief and pain while I wasn't home and was ready to move on without needing a recovery or readjustment period. I wasn't so lucky, not by a long shot!
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hisownpetard Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Dec-15-07 06:03 PM
Response to Original message
44. I am so sorry to hear what you've gone through and are still going through.
There are so many times where you've gotten the short end of the stick, and it's a bitter pill to swallow,
to see her and her boyfriend getting things they don't deserve. But thinking about that type of thing can really
drive you nuts. It'd be better to accept the fact that, aside from issues involving your son, you want nothing to do
with her. You are so much better off not having her as a partner in your life, even though you may not feel that to be true
right now. The only thing you really need to concern yourself with is your son and his well-being.

That doesn't mean you have to be happy for her. It just means that, seeing the destruction she was capable of causing,
you can breathe a sigh of relief that she no longer has a big role to play in your personal life. Why give her the power to
make you unhappy? Save that for someone you love and, in the meantime, you can interact with her as little as possible
and only when it has to do with your son. Even though the natural thing is to be curious about what she's doing, etc., it's
really better to not know and not care, because it will only aggravate you, and there's nothing you can do about it anyway.

Your son is so lucky to have a loving dad (and grandparents, too, apparently). Next year at this time, your heart won't hurt
as much and your life will have moved on. Hang in there! It'll be worth it, believe me.

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