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libnnc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:23 PM
Original message
My mother is crazy and I've had eeenough!
So get a pant load of this..

a little background before I get into the details.

I'm gay. Been with the same wonderful woman for 15 years. Times are tough for us right now. Her 81 year old mother is terminally ill. She lost her sister to cancer 2 years ago. She's been through thyroid cancer treatment herself. Needless to say, we're OVER the "C" word. My incredibly selfish mother has never, NEVER, recognized our relationship. She's never met my SO. Numerous invitations have been extended...none taken. So...

Mom's birthday was Friday. I called her on TUESDAY, talked for over an hour (possibly closer to 2 hours), we discussed her birthday, I said the card's on its way and "...if I don't talk to you on Friday, happy birthday." She said, don't worry about making a fuss. It's just another day, blah, blah...Her schedule is very complicated; mine is too these days. I didn't call her on Friday but I thought since I called Tuesday and we talked (for OVER an HOUR) that I was covered. Done. Not so done apparently.

Get a call from my Aunt this afternoon "warning" me of my mother's discontent that I didn't call her on her birthday Friday. Okay...whatever. I'll call tomorrow when she gets home from church.

11:30pm tonight (SO is fast asleep 'cause she has to get up at 4:30am to go to work at Charlotte Airport to keep airplanes from falling out of the sky)
The phone rings, wakes up SO who answers. IT'S MY MOTHER. Upset 'cause I didn't call her on her birthday.

Needless to say...I. WENT. OFF. I mean nuclear went off. :nuke:

How dare she pull some kind of guilt crap on me. My SO's 81 year old mother is next door LITERALLY DYING AS WE SPEAK (pancreatic cancer) WE WENT THROUGH THIS 2 YEARS AGO WITH MY SO'S SISTER (sister died of pancreatic cancer at age 43), SPOUSAL UNIT DODGED A BULLET EARLIER THIS SUMMER WITH THYROID CANCER AND MY MOTHER HAS A FREAKING MELTDOWN BECAUSE I DIDN'T CALL HER ON HER BIRTHDAY (WHEN I CALLED 3 DAYS BEFORE)????

AND AFTER ALL THE SHIT WE'VE BEEN TROUGH THESE 2-3 YEARS ALONE, SHE'S NEVER WANTED TO BE IN OUR LIVES. FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER, SHE'S NEVER WANTED TO BE IN OUR LIVES. EVER.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Mothers in the lounge...please...am I nuts? Am I a bad daughter for crawling up her ass tonight?

CHRIST!

She's probably plotting how she can attempt suicide... :banghead:




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Generic Brad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:29 PM
Response to Original message
1. From a fathers perspective...
She's never once acknowledged your SO? I feel for you. And I do not consider you a bad daughter by any stretch of the imagination.

I've got an aunt who has done the same thing to my cousin and her SO. I'm heterosexual and I get the same treatment from my mother because my wife is a different race than I.

It's unfortunate our parents can't simply be happy that we are in constructive and loving relationships. For those who cannot deal with it, that is their problem. It is certainly not your doing.
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libnnc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:40 PM
Response to Reply #1
4. It's so sad when parents
won't grow up enough to accept us as adults.

I mean, really. They just flipping freak out when they can't control our daily lives anymore.
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Generic Brad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:45 PM
Response to Reply #4
8. I just want my daughter to be happy
It baffles me why other parents don't want that for their children and can't be proud of them when they achieve that.
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lildreamer316 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:33 PM
Response to Original message
2. Sorry you have to deal with this.
I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing how you felt. Of course we all wish we could do these things in a calm way, but when it comes to mothers, well........yeah. That's just not going to happen.

No offense, but someone acting that self-centered is def. not contemplating suicide.

ANYway... :hi:

We will wave at your SO next time we're near the airport (rented a car there earlier this year, and in Feb. my SO left for Miami from there...the club isn't far away either.)
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libnnc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:42 PM
Response to Reply #2
5. Thanks for that
This has been a long, (I mean LOOOONG) time coming. My partner has been begging me for years to tell my mom exactly what a selfish woman she really is.

Just another day in lesbian paradise... :eyes:
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Bennyboy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:34 PM
Response to Original message
3. I get that kind of shit all the time.....
My Dad is 81 and he is totally flipped out. once he hid on mother's day (with my Mom). Then got pissed I did not call. he hides on the Holidays and then blmes everyone for not being there. I call on birthdays and he never calls on mine......

Sorry for you and certainly sympathize.
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libnnc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:43 PM
Response to Reply #3
7. Is there some magical age
that once passed, you become completely irrational and crazy towards your adult children?

It's going to be a long holiday season. x(
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Bennyboy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:58 PM
Response to Reply #7
10. No, seems to me that both ours have been
round the bend for years and years. I can imagine if I was gay, I know my dad would never have talked to me again after I came out. Hell he hates me anyway, that would jsut take it over the top!

But over the last five years any part of their personality that was good is completely gone now and only the bad stuff is what you get.
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Whoa_Nelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:42 PM
Response to Original message
6. You're not nuts
and as a mother gotta say, it's a shame that she has missed so much of your ife...I would hate my life if I had not accepted the choices in my child;s life and his wanting me to be a part of it all, too. I believe invitations into one's adult child;s life are to be taken seriously, and with great respect and care. It affords much in the way of continuity for the child and the parent.

sorry things are for shit for you...you love her, yet there seems to be a martyr thing going on for her...

Matriarchy ain't matriarchy without the cultivation of the children...it's a lifelong choice, and one I embrace.

(3 glasses of wine...so much for my attempt at rambling cohesiveness ;) )
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libnnc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 12:11 AM
Response to Reply #6
11. Thanks, I'm just beside myself
She has a lot of nerve jerking me around right now.

I wish she'd grow the fuck up.
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NC_Nurse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Nov-10-07 11:52 PM
Response to Original message
9. She sounds like a selfish little girl, not a mother.
Good for you for setting some limits. :applause:

I would ignore the ensuing martyr drama, why participate in that crap? :eyes:

She's the one missing out on you and your life - but that's been HER choice. So tough shit.

I'm sorry you had to deal with it. :hug:
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libnnc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 12:13 AM
Response to Reply #9
12. She the queen of drama for sure.
Intolerable. This exchange tonight has taken the cake. I should have done it years ago.

Thanks for the encouragement.
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Skittles Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 12:21 AM
Response to Original message
13. you want I should kick some guilt-inducing ass, lib?
JUST SAY THE WORD MY SWEET
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libnnc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 12:40 AM
Response to Reply #13
17. You're a doll.
Skittles the doll, that's YOU!

:yourock:
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Breeze54 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 12:29 AM
Response to Original message
14. She may have called late but
she was trying to tell you how much she misses you and loves you.

"She said, don't worry about making a fuss. "

Moms ALWAYS say that but they don't mean it!!!

Calling at 11:30 PM might be a little late but not for family

You are NOT a bad daughter. It sounds like you both love each other... still

but haven't resolved your collective issues.

Sorry if I'm the one taking a different stance but that was my gut feeling.

Moms always love their kids. They just do!!

There's is emotion there, on both sides, or you wouldn't be this pissed off

and she wouldn't be calling late at night.

:hug:





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libnnc Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 12:39 AM
Response to Reply #14
15. Well, when the phone rings this late,
we're expecting it to be my partner's mother who is wheelchair bound, alone and very, very sick in the house next door.

Mom could have had her little meltdown and called my cell phone...which didn't ring all night.

Yes, I do love her. I just wish she'd respect my situation and cut me some slack.

She should be thankful she's even able to celebrate a freaking birthday.
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Rosemary2205 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 12:40 AM
Response to Original message
16. "Don't make a fuss"
is Mom code for "please make a BIG fuss" in my family. God help the poor soul who takes her at face value. :)

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Lyric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 04:09 AM
Response to Original message
18. You're a better person than I am.
Edited on Sun Nov-11-07 04:16 AM by oktoberain
If my Mom refused to acknowledge my partner of that many years, I wouldn't be speaking to her *at all*--much less calling her on her birthday.

When my partner and I first went to visit my maternal grandmother, she had the gall to be nice to our faces and then tell my Mom "Although Brandy and the baby are always welcome here, please tell her not to bring that woman back with her. I just cannot condone that sort of thing in my house."

Fair enough--her house, her rules. I have not stepped a single foot into my grandmother's house since that day, 7 years ago, and until she calls ME to apologize, I never will. Where my partner isn't welcome, I'm not welcome. I've spoken to her briefly twice since then--once when my Mom was having brain surgery and we were all in the waiting room together, and again at my Aunt Donna's funeral. But other than that, I have no contact with her at all.

You're not a bad daughter at all. Frankly, I admire your ability to be the "bigger person" and maintain a relationship with her *at all*. She should consider herself fortunate to have such a daughter.

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SoCalDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 06:13 AM
Response to Original message
19. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to just give it up
Edited on Sun Nov-11-07 06:13 AM by SoCalDem
It's painful at times, and if they die suddenly (like mine did) you will have pangs of guilt, but you cannot continue to bang your head against that wall..

Parents are NOT going to change..they can only push your buttons over and over.. they know where the buttons are ..they INSTALLED them..

Toxic parents can wreck your life..you have to be ready to cut yourself off..

Sometimes you can write a letter , explaining your plan and it MIGHT be enough to bring them to their senses, but failing that, you must be ready to just do it.

I understand your angst :hug:
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zanne Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 07:18 AM
Response to Original message
20. Ah! The Passive-Aggressive approach!
Always one of my favorites. You did absolutely nothing wrong. She's counting on it so she can be mean without guilt. If you haven't done it before, I'd say it's high time she got an earful. Here's to you and your SO--be well.
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Karenina Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 12:56 PM
Response to Original message
21. I had a Dragon-Lady mom, may she R.I.P.
I finally got smart and simply CUT HER OFF, after telling her why. "You WILL respect my boundaries or you're OUTTA MY SPACE." Now I grant you, I had to pull that one several times but she FINALLY got it (that is, until dementia took over) and when I used my keywords she'd back off.

I'm so sorry your life partner has been so disparaged. That must hurt. :hug: All good things to you!
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Fire Walk With Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 03:12 PM
Response to Original message
22. She refuses to face and overcome the fear and insecurity
that keep her in selfish mode?

That sort of person never changes unless faced with a crisis (losing something they want to keep).

Take care of yourself and be well. Kudos to you for being true to yourself in a society that prefers people to stay like your mother.
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lame54 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 09:12 PM
Response to Original message
23. your not nuts but
she is the only mother you have so keep calm and try to stay connected. I had the opposite situation for over five years. My daughters SO did not like me and managed to convince my daughter to terminate contact with me. I missed out on two years of my daughters and grandson's life. She is now with a great woman and our relationship is better than ever. Hope your mom changes her view, love and happiness is hard to find and she should be grateful that you have found someone wonderful to share your life with.
hope this makes you smile.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=9ucqDoP2FZw
patty lame's wife
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fudge stripe cookays Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-11-07 09:40 PM
Response to Original message
24. Good Lord....
Sounds like our mothers could go bowling and give each other pointers in producing guilt and acting like 5 year olds.

You have my sympathies. If she threatens to kill you, PM me. Then we'll REALLY have sommething to rap about.

Isn't dysfunction the best?
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