Anyone know any good Jesus jokes?

[monktonman]

Ok me first.....
Why does Jesus hate M&m's?



They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Ba-dum-tssssh...
OK your turn......

[DarkTirade]

1. I know a couple...

the first one is a visual joke, it doesn't work with just text. And it would probably get this thread locked as a sex thread. So I'll skip straight to the second.

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He sets down three nails on the counter and asks the clerk, "Can you put me up for the night?"

[monktonman]

6. Thats one of my favorites.....

[monktonman]

16. Ok before this thread get locked......

Jesus and Moses are taking a stoll along the banks of the red sea.
Moses sayS " hey JC, I may be getting old but I've still got it."
Just then Moses raises his staff and parts the red sea.

Jesus says " yeah Moses you still got it but check this out."
Jesus slips his shoes off and steps out on the water.
after JC get about half way out, he starts to sink and it becomes
obvious he cant swim so moses swims out there and rescues him.

After he gets Jesus safely back on shore he says
" dont worry man, the last time you tried that....
YOU DIDNT HAVE HOLES IN YOUR FEET!"

HARDY HAR HAR HAR!!!!!

[JackBeck]

7. The first one...

Is it about how Jesus was "hung"...

[DarkTirade]

8. Ayup.

And I heard that one from my little sister... :P

[JackBeck]

11. I had to have a catalogue of jokes on hand as a bartender.

Some of them (non-Jeebus related, but about Preists) are really out there.

[AllegroRondo]

2. What were Jesus' last 7 words on the cross?

to Paul: "I can see your house from here"

[Sequoia]

35. Paul wasn't there and he was Saul then.

[Burma Jones]

51. Ow, God Dammit, this really fucking hurts....

[Tyler Durden]

3. This works better with a visual too:

Jesus is hanging on the cross...

"Father, if You would just remove the nails from my hands....THE FEET! THE FEET! THE FEET!"

[DS1]

4. knock knock

who's there?

Jesus

Jesus who?


Jesus Christ GD is a loony bin!

[monktonman]

5. Ok this one requires a visual as well......

Why do all the girls loooooove Jesus?
Because he's hung like this......
(spreading arms as though to say "I caught a fish this big")

[NMDemDist2]

9. more a Jehovah joke, but it does mention Jesus

A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.
Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.
The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.
Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"

and another....

One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, this time selecting a 4 iron. This shot was perfect; landing right in the middle of the green.

Jesus pauses for a moment to ponder his club selection. "Hmmmm..... Tiger Woods would use this," he says as he picks up a 5 iron.

"But, Jesus. My 5 iron shot ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron!"

"Nope. Tiger would use a 5," insisted Jesus.

So, Jesus swings hard and alas his shot ends up in the middle of the lake too. Jesus strolls over to the lake and walks out on the water to retrieve his ball. As Jesus is walking on the water trying to locate his ball a foursome comes up to the tee, sees a man walking on the water and one of them exclaims, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"

"No," explains Moses, "He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

[Tyler Durden]

12. Jesus, St. Peter, and St. Paul are playing golf.

Coming up on the 5th tee, Jesus takes out a 5 iron to hit his shot over a water hazard 100 yards out.

Peter says "C'mon. Who do you think you are, Tiger Woods?"

Jesus kills the ball, but it just doesn't clear the hazard, so to not loose a stroke, he strolls out onto the water to hit his next shot. Peter and Paul follow, and a foursome on the parallel hole are gaping at Jesus.

One says, "LOOK AT THAT GUY WALKING ON WATER. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS, JESUS CHRIST????"

Paul looks up and says, "Actually, he IS Jesus Christ. He THINKS he's Tiger Woods."

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

10. Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf.

They get to the 18th hole and it is a long shot to the fairway with a water trap involved. Jesus walks over and grabs a nine iron and sets up for his shot. Moses looked over and said, "What are you doing?!" Jesus replied, "I saw Tiger Woods do it, and if Tiger Woods can do it, so can I!" Moses stepped back. Jesus took his shot....the ball went up, came down, and plunked right in the water. Jesus turned and looked at Moses, "little help here?" Moses says,"Ok but this is the last time!" So Moses steps up and parts the water and Jesus walks over and grabs his ball. He sets up for the shot, again with the nine iron, just as a few people walk up the hill behind them. Sure enough, the ball lands right in the water again, Jesus looks over at Moses and Moses shakes his head. So Jesus walks out onto the water, and reaches down for his ball. One of the guys behind them sees this and yells, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?" Moses turns around, "No, he IS Jesus. He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

[Tyler Durden]

14. Great minds think alike.

[JackBeck]

13. How do we know Jesus was Italian?

1) Lived with his parents until he was 30.

2) Thought his mom was a virgin.

3) His mom thought he was the son of God.

[Ellen Forradalom]

17. No, Jesus was Black

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

http://www.lifeisajoke.com/religion36_html.htm

[monktonman]

19. you guys are cracking me up

[JackBeck]

21. I like the "Jesus was a woman" quip:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

[pippin]

45. Italian because . . .

1. He talked with his hands
2. Drank wine with his meals
3. Ate bread with olive oil

[johnnie]

15. Here's a shortened version of one

A crowd of people are surrounding a young woman and everyone in the crowd is holding stones reading to pelt the woman. Seeing this, Jesus pushes his way through the crowd and says "Those of you who have not sinned, cast the first stone".

From the back of the crowd comes a frail old woman and as she gets to the woman in the middle of the crowd picks up a huge boulder and throws it on the woman, killing her instantly. Jesus turns to the old woman and says "Mom, sometimes you really piss me off".


On Edit: This one may be funnier to people who are Catholic or know Catholicism.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

41. Yes, I'm not Cath but I know about her Immaculate Conception doctrine.

That's a GOOD one!!!

[Rambis]

18. Did you know there was a 14th disciple Larry?

Jesus is on the cross and Larry is standing in the back of the crowd and he hears...

Larry, Larry- Larry goes up to the front and doesn't make it to Jesus before the guards beat him and throw him back into the crowd.


He hears again-

Larry, Larry! So he fights his way up to the front of the crowd and just about makes it to Jesus but the guards cut off his arms and throw Larry back into the crowd.

Larry, Larry!

He fights his way back to the front again and the guards cut off his legs and throw him back into the crowd.


Larry,Larry,Larry!

Larry crawls up the hill through the crowd on his face- The guards admiring his effort let him get to the foot of the cross.

"Yes jesus what is it?"

"Larry, I can see your house from up here".

[Roon]

20. A cute T-shirt I saw on the Mall once

It said, "He Has Risen!!" and the picture was of Jesus on a pair of water skis. LOL

[Bennyboy]

22. Why did Jesus cross the road?

Because someone nailed him to a chicken!

[monktonman]

23. My son told me that joke a few weeks ago. n/t

[Ellen Forradalom]

24. Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick

[gmoney]

25. Short version of a long joke...

Ad agency is hired to promote Acme Nails, so they show up with the TV commercial they've shot to show to the client. On the screen it starts with a post stuck in the ground and tilts up and pulls back to reveal Jesus on the cross. The text is superimposed over it that simply says "Acme Nails".

The client is horrified, and tells the agency that he can't run that ad, and threatens to fire them, but they succeed in begging for one more chance.

They come back the next week to screen the new ad for the client. It starts with Jesus frantically running and climbing up the side of a mountain, looking back over his shoulder. Behind him are two Roman centurions, running behind trying to catch up. Panting, one turns to the other and says "See? I told you we should have used Acme Nails!"

[monktonman]

28. Ok thats the balls. I've got to remember that one. n/t

[alphafemale]

26. The real story of Jesus and the adulterous woman

Jesus sees the crowd about to stone an adulterous woman. He steps between them and her and confronts them.

"Let the one amoung you who is without sin cast the first stone."

There is quiet for a moment, but then a marble sized pebble sails through the air and clips Jesus right between the eyes. He staggers back for a moment, then rubs his forehead and looks up.

"Mom! Now cut that out!"

[KamaAina]

27. So Jesus walks into a bar...

the bartender asks him, "What'll it be?"

Jesus says, "Oh, just some water."

Next thing you know, He's happily quaffing red wine -- and the bartender is muttering "Cheapskate!"...

[pippin]

29. Cheesey

What would Kraft call their product if they produced it in Nazereth?

Cheeses of Nazereth.

[monktonman]

30. Just when I thought this thread had dried up, you throw that zinger!!

[ironflange]

31. All right, you guys, enough of making fun of the kid!

And don't grovel! One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling!

[bif]

32. This one's bad...

What did Christ say to the Mexicans when he was on the cross?
Don't do any work til I get back.

[gmoney]

38. "Don't do anything until I get back..."

you wouldn't say "don't do any work..." it's not conversational. :)

[Sweet Freedom]

33. ...

Have you heard they've come out with a low-fat host for Holy Communion?

It's called "I Can't Believe it's not Jesus".

[bikebloke]

34. We used to have lots of them on my kibbutz.

But the only one I remember needs to be acted out.:shrug:

[HERVEPA]

36. Did you hear about the new diet communion wafer. It's called...

"I can't believe it's not Jesus"

[GoddessOfGuinness]

37. Mrs Jones was a good Catholic...

She attended Mass every day, and afterward, she'd always pray the Rosary.

One day, God decided to reward her faithfulness by sending Jesus to visit with her. Jesus appeared after Mass, as Mrs Jones was saying the Rosary.

"Mrs. Jones...Mrs. Jones..." Jesus called.

But Mrs Jones paid no attention, and continued praying with each bead.

Jesus called louder, "Mrs. Jones! Mrs. Jones!"

Still she continued to pray.

Jesus figured she must have been deaf or something, so he shouted, "MRS. JONES!! MRS. JONES!!"

Finally she turned around, rolled her eyes, and said,
"Quiet kid! Can't you see I'm talking to your mother?!?"

[catmandu57]

39. My how times change

I told an innocent little jesus joke here three four years ago and I thought I was going to get crucified. Anyway it's easter morning if jesus comes out of his cave and sees his shadow do we get six more months of warm weather?

[monktonman]

40. .... I thought I was going to get crucified! pun intended?

Yeah, when I started this thread I thought for sure it would either be locked
or I'd get crucified as well.
Glad to see at least some of us have a sense of humor.

Wonder how these jokes would go over in freeper land?
I'm tempted to sign up just to find out.
Of course I'd start my thread with something about my god given right to free speech....
you can guess the rest.

[pippin]

42. Jesus was a Honda Owner

. . .after all the bible says "Jesus and his disciples left in one Accord."

"For I did not speak of my own Accord..." - John 12:49, and, though I don't have the verse to hand, I think it says something like: "...and when they had finished praying, Jesus and his disciples all left in one Accord..."

[Deep13]

43. I though he drove out the money-changers in a Fury.

Was that someone else's car?

[pippin]

44. Also road a motor bike apparently

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorbike. They were promptly stopped by
a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”

The priests say, “Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to
ride on a motorcycle.”

[pippin]

47. It was an old Fury

his dad used to own.

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because “the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”

[DarkTirade]

46. Not a Jesus joke, but still a religious one...

http://leighanna.deviantart.com/art/Im-Not-THAT-Bad-63092073

[DarkTirade]

48. Another religious one...

God, Allah and Buddha all walk into a rather low-class bar. God looks across the bar, and sees one of his followers with a wedding ring on his finger talking to a prostitute. He runs over and bellows, "Sinner! Repent!" and harrangues his follower for the next few minutes. In the meantime, Allah looks over and sees one of his followers drinking a beer. He runs over and starts berating the poor man for breaking his commandments.

After the two are done, Buddha walks over to them and says, "Man, you know you guys are REALLY hard to party with."

[leftofthedial]

49. what did the roman soldier say to jesus?

do you mind crossing your feet? we only brought three nails.

[BlueJazz]

54. LOL!..I like that one...

[Swede]

50. Here ya go.

[TBreeze]

52. here's one

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring, Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"

"The DEA, YOU SCUM BAGS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"

[monktonman]

53. I like that one alot

Thanks!