I need advice from lesbian members of DU

[southerngirlwriter]

I am 100% sincere in what I'm saying, and I BEG you not to be offended. I will try to phrase my question very carefully, but if I don't manage it perfectly, please forgive me.

OK. I have a situation that is making me uncomfortable. Lesbians are hitting on me fairly frequently (it's happened three times in the last month).

I am not gay, but that's not why this makes me uncomfortable. I have no problem with GLBT people, and am fully in support of your right to total equality with heterosexual people in every aspect of civil and other rights. So, I'm not like, "Ooooh! Gays! Cooties!" That's not how I feel, and it's not why I'm uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable because I don't know how to politely shut such advances down without making the lesbian in the situation feel like I'm being nasty/prejudiced/etc. There seems to be a fine line, and I can't navigate it well.

I've said, "I'm very flattered, but actually, I'm not a lesbian."

That got a response along the lines of "Yes you are, you just don't know it yet." Which pissed me off.

I've said, "No thanks," and started to walk away, and heard back, "Closet case!" Which REALLY pissed me off.

Why do these women assume that I'm gay? I don't know for sure. I asked a very smart (gay male) friend. Based on his answers, it may be that I am a rather masculine-looking woman. I don't wear dresses or makeup, have short hair, etc. It may be that I don't kow-tow to men. It may be that I carry myself very forcefully and confidently. Even if I was terrified, walking across a parking lot by myself, if you saw me you'd never think I was afraid of anything. Living by myself, in a bad neighborhood, I sort of had to learn how to adopt that demeanor, regardless of my real feelings.

However, I am not gay. I am very sure about that.

So, how can I communicate both that I am uncomfortable with such advances and yet that I'm NOT a homophobe, and am, in fact, one of the GLBT community's staunchest hetero supporters?

Again, I beg forgiveness if I've managed to offend despite my sincere attempts not to.

Thanks,
sgw

[Bertha Venation]

1. Bless your heart, SGW. / a couple of comebacks

What a pain in the ass!

All I can suggest is thick skin, come up w/ some good comebacks, and learn to just wave your hand at the assholes & say "piffle" or "your problem, not mine." I don't have any great adivce, but I feel for you.

Here's one comeback: When you're told, "Yes you are, you just don't know it yet," say back: "Well, you must be straight then, bitch." (Or leave off the "bitch.")

Here's another, for the same insult: "If a man said 'you are straight, you just don't know it yet,' to a lipstick lesbian, what do you think her reaction would be?" ("Lipstick lesbian" = wears makeup, froo-froo hairdos, nylons & heels... IOW, they "pass" even if they don't intend to.)

About the "closet case" comment, maybe something like: "The only thing in my closet is clothes. How about yours?" :shrug:

Keep coming back & asking questions and venting about it. It'll help.

Good luck!

edited to add "a man" and to add the closet comment.

[southerngirlwriter]

4. Thanks, Bertha.

Good ideas, all.

*hugs*

[Kamika]

2. Question

Ok I'm not lesbian, but where exactly does this happen ??

And why do they think you're lesbian?


I've had lesbians tell me I'm a lipstick lesbian, altough back then I had no clue what it meant.

[southerngirlwriter]

3. twice it was at the library

once it was at Wal-mart.

Hrm -- you just gave me a clue. At the library, both times, I was checking out liberal audiobooks. Maybe that had something to do with it.

On the second question, I put every idea I have in the original post.

[bobthedrummer]

5. My cannabis "mainman" is a lesbian

and a good guitarist.
My male advice, use your own discretion, just say no in an appropriate way-btw, what the fuck is it with libraries anyway?

[Kamika]

6. yeah!

And why don't ppl ever try to pick me up there!

[lynx rufus]

7. I am confronted with the same problem

First I say, 'Not interested; not now, not ever.'
That is fair warning.
If they persist I get real rude, real fast.
Believe me, at this point they are not whispering 'girl friend' as they cower away. And they never come back for more.

When they fail to respect your space you have no
obligation to treat them with respect. 'Those who allow insult,
invite injury.'