My sister quit her job in a huff so now she's unemployed

[yardwork]

She'd been working very long hours for low pay and she got fed up and quit. Now she has no job, no benefits, no income, no savings, and a ton of debt and financial commitments. She recently bought a house and she has four horses and other pets. She's in her mid-forties and her health is not good. Her house requires major repairs and she can't afford to do anything with it. She can't afford to buy a lawnmover or hire anyone to mow the grass.

When the mortgage comes due later this month she'll turn to our mother again, who is in her mid-70s and doesn't need this grief. I'm so mad at my sister, but I'm also worried about her mental health. She's done this kind of impulsive thing over and over again all her life, and she always turns to our parents for help - and unfortunately they've bailed her out over and over again so she's never had any reason to change.

She was in therapy a couple of years ago and that actually helped (she got a job, for one thing) but she quit that about a year ago and now she's right back where she started. She's always got some get-rich-quick scheme that never pans out and leaves her further in debt than before.

I'm not really looking for advice. I know the limits of what I can and can't do. I know better than to send her money.

Does anyone have any experience with knowing an irresponsible person like this who actually changed? I would love to hear about someone who was totally irresponsible and impulsive and actually got themselves together, got a job, sold the horses or sports car or whatever unaffordable baggage they had, paid off their debts, and started living a more responsible life? Or am I just hopelessly square?

It's not drugs or alcohol - she's sober. It's not bad influences - she has few friends (gets mad at them and ditches them) and no boyfriend or husband (can't put up with them). No kids. Just the horses.

Stories welcome. Thanks!

[KitchenWitch]

1. Can she get some roommates?

That might help with the expenses.

[yardwork]

2. That's a reasonable suggestion but she won't do it.

For years she's had these broken-down horses that she treats as pets (they're unrideable) but she refuses to part with them. When she gets a little money she doesn't pay off her debts or put it in the bank to pay rent or mortgage at the end of the month. Instead, she spends it on yet another horse or another animal or some piece of furniture.

She can't get along with other people, so roommates are out of the question.

Edited to add - I will suggest a roommate. It might help her out financially in the short-term, before she gets mad at them and throws them out.

[supernova]

3. She sounds really independent

You might want to encourage her to try to find entrepreneurial stuff to make money with. Something where she can be her own boss and set her own hours. Then she could still spend her own $$$ on the horses.

Some of us independent types can come off as mal adjusted when we really just don't know how to fit in and need help in finding something that works.

[yardwork]

10. I hoped that this was the solution for many years, but it never works out.

She has done many different kinds of entrepreneurial work. They always start off with a bang and high expectations (100% funded by our mom) but then her major problems getting along with people and her irrational behavior always derails whatever business she's begun. After a few months or years she will abruptly quit and move onto something else, usually leaving a big mess and lots of debt behind for other people (usually mom) to pay for and clean up.

[raccoon]

4. Sounds a little like borderline personality disorder. Not that I'm

a psychologist or anything.

Good that you know better than to send her money!

"Does anyone have any experience with knowing an irresponsible person like this who actually changed? "

My father was like that. Yeah, he changed. AFter his mother died, and wasn't there to bail him out, he went totally down the tubes. Like a dirt nap.

[soleft]

7. I thought the same thing - that it sounds like borderline

Which is very hard to treat, but if she wanted to change, from personal experience, I do believe a person can make significant strides in their behavior and their emotional maturity.

The only thing that might truly help her is if your parents made the really hard decision not to enable her irresponsible behavior.

Sounds like she hasn't grown up and won't until she's force to.

[yardwork]

11. I think that she has borderline personality disorder, yes.

She has a majority of the traits. Irrational behavior, sudden rages, idealization of new people and jobs followed by sudden, dramatic turnarounds, irresponsible spending habits, binge eating, occasional paranoid episodes whens he becomes convinced that people are out to get her. Her response is always the same - to break off all contact, run away, quit the job, leave town, whatever.

The one thing she will not give up are the horses. Yes, caring for four horses is incredibly expensive. She clings to them and will not consider selling them or giving them away.

I'm feeling very discouraged about her prospects.

What happened to your father, if you don't mind me asking?

[raccoon]

13. I'll PM you. nt

[yardwork]

15. Thank you!

[electron_blue]

5. Is she bipolar, by any chance?

[yardwork]

12. She could be, but her symptoms sound more like a personality disorder to me.

[electron_blue]

31. Yes. She reminds me a lot of my ex-sister in law

She does happen to be bipolar. When she's on her meds, her life is much more manageable for her. But then she goes off...

Good luck. I hope that it doesn't affect you too much.

[skygazer]

6. I have an aunt who is in her 80's who has always been like this

Exact same thing - tons of debt, loads of pets, unrealistic lifestyle, can't (or rather won't) keep a job.

When my grandmother was alive, she would bail my aunt out. Now, I'm not sure how she manages it. She moves around a lot, lassoing various familiy members into helping her haul her horses and dogs and cats and furniture from New York to Virginia to Vermont to Ohio, etc. When she gets to her new destination, she generally starts a free newspaper - she's always done that, is a fair writer and an excellent photographer - manages to charm and cajole citizens into contributing advertising, builds up a web of friends who end up bailing her out for quite a while and then she moves again.

My aunt will never change. Who knows about your sister but it doesn't sound like it.

My only suggestion is to let the horses mow the lawn. :P

And I'm sorry because its not fun to deal with. My family always ends up helping my crazy aunt because the alternative always ends up being her on the street. :shrug:

[yardwork]

9. She sounds exactly like my sister. Yes, that's the pattern, to a tee.

She's intelligent, charming, hardworking, and can always manage to survive long enough to start another crazy scheme, but it always falls apart.

The horses - lawn idea is a good one. I'll suggest it.

She had a lawnmower but it didn't start so she took it over to the house of the guy who sold her the house and threw it in his driveway. Irrational outbursts of rage, check.

[JVS]

8. 4 horses? WTF? Those can't be cheap

[yardwork]

18. They're not cheap, and they're useless. Nobody's allowed to ride them.

She can't give lessons on them, as they are unrideable (according to her). She adopts broken-down horses like other people adopt cats and dogs. Unfortunately, horses are big and they eat a lot.

[JVS]

21. She needs to call the gluemaker/dogfood maker and cash in to pay off debts

[yardwork]

22. Everyone who knows her has been saying this for thirty years.

[JVS]

23. Well I guess you can now tell her that people who don't know her agree with those who do.

Get rid of the horses!

[yardwork]

26. LOL! Your voice has joined a multitude.

[wildhorses]

29. excuse me,

are you saying these horses are over thirty years old, now? did i miss something? i am not sure about diagnosing someone on a message board either. so, i am not going to address that part of this situation. except to say that i have had low-paying jobs and it is very frustrating.

[yardwork]

32. No, she replaces the horses as they die.

[IndianaJones]

14. I think I would probably bail my daughters out. Even if I knew better. nt.

[yardwork]

16. My mom is right there with you.

I do think that it has enabled my sister in an unhealthy way, though. She could make changes to her life, but why should she give up anything when she knows that my mother will give her money?

[IndianaJones]

17. That is exactly what I would realize, and still do it.

Hopefully it doesn't come to that. That is a tough situation.

[skygazer]

19. Yeah, those are tough choices

And when you add mental illness into the mix - which I'm sure is a factor with my aunt and it sounds like you feel it is with your sister - it complicates it more.

I know my father and his other sisters felt that my grandmother was doing my aunt no favors by bailing her out continuously. I have no idea if it might have made a difference for her to have to stand or fall on her own when she was younger. I think it probably would have to some extent. But I do know that at some point, she reached a stage when I don't believe it would have made a lot of difference, a point when she was so entrenched in the life she'd led that she had no conception of any other.

It's hard for family members to see someone they care about in danger of being homeless or taken to court of any of the other things that can befall someone like that. And its a tough choice to make. I guess we can only do the best we can.

[yardwork]

20. I get a little panicky about her sometimes.

She's my younger sister. I've tried to be supportive and protective. Her lifestyle scares me. I'm an eccentric person, but I pay my own bills. I don't ask for handouts. I feel that my role is to be helpful to my mother, not live off her. My sister's life is so chaotic. I lie awake sometimes worrying that something will happen to her.

[CharmCity]

24. Sounds familiar (unfortunately)

My husband is very well educated, but has gone from job to job in a very impulsive, burn-bridging kind of way -- the last go-round was particularly tough. He walked away from a good job that allowed him to work from home most of the time to essentially become a salesman w/ income based on commissions. We had just bought a new house. I was just about to lose a major client (I'm a freelancer myself)around the time he decided to quit and warned him. Didn't make a dent.

His sales venture was a catastrophe. He made almost nothing for eight months. I worked as much as I could to keep us afloat. I was a nervous wreck and was furious -- I completely withdrew from him.

He realized he had to get a job with a salary when I stopped contributing to our joint checking account. I took over everything myself, which was not cheap for me but forced him to have a reality check with his own financial situation. And the good news (for now) is he got another good job. He's been there less than a month and is already grumbling about the commute and is figuring his next move.

Bottom line is, cutting him off -- financially and emotionally -- helped. Now I'm trying to recover from the experience... seems like every year his impulsive behavior gets worse.

[yardwork]

25. Wow, that sounds like a difficult situation. Thank you for sharing your story.

It does sound familiar - to anyone who hasn't experienced this with someone close to them, it seems unfathomable. How could intelligent, well-educated, seemingly capable people behave so self-destructively? It's especially difficult to understand when there are no drug or alcohol issues involved. It seems to me sometimes as if my sister is addicted to chaos.

[Carrieyazel]

27. I can definitely understand the situation

Sometimes the workplace can be the worst place in the world.

[Corgigal]

28. PM'ed you

Just something to consider.

[Mutley]

30. Yeah, I know someone like that.

Me. I'm a work in progress.

It took me far longer than it should have to finish my degree, and even so, I graduated nine months ago and I still work a relatively low wage retail job. But a new, good job is in the works, and in case that doesn't pan out I've sent my resume to about a million different employers. Then I go from there with the rest of it.

So, yeah, people can change. It's all a matter of whether they want to.