A really good friend of mine died on Saturday.

[bubblesby2002]

I've known him for about 20 years from hockey pools and football pools and drinking beer at the golf club he belonged to. I'm really sad he's gone. He was only 50 years old and he died of a heart attack. He had open heart surgery six years ago and should have made some lifestyle changes, like at least giving up smoking, but he never did. He had another five heart attacks but still didn't change. So partly I'm angry with him even though I'm sad. He had every chance to make a difference but he chose not to. One thing - I saw him last weekend during the NFL playoff games and when I left we hugged and I told him how much I enjoyed his company even after all these years.

Am I wrong to be angry and sad at the same time?

[Kamika]

1. Not wrong

I know a guy who committed suicide, I didn't know him very well but I know that I would have been angry as hell if one of my friends was so selfish.

A friend who doesn't take care of himself, not caring how his friends or family will feel when he's dead makes me angry

God I hate selfish ppl

[nini]

2. Sorry for you loss

I think you have a right to be angry. 5 heart attacks??? I hope he didn't leave kids behind. I don't know why some people just won't follow the doctors orders.. the first surgery would have done it for me.

[bubblesby2002]

12. Me too

And he did leave kids and a wife behind. Two of his kids still lived at home, although they are in their late teens. But thankyou.

[ellie]

3. No,

you are not wrong to be angry and sad all at once. My best friend overdosed on heroin in March 2000. Heroin! I couldn't believe it. When the telephone call came I thought it was a really bad joke. The thing is we used to talk about heroin and he said he would never do that because it was stupid. Four years later and I still feel shell shocked over it. He was only 26.

I am sorry about your friend. You have my deepest sympathy.

[bubblesby2002]

13. Thanks ellie

We all make choices. It's not like people are stupid. They just don't think it will ever happen to them.

[thinkingwoman]

4. No

I don't know you, but I know what it feels like to have seemingly "wrong" emotions when someone you know and care about dies.

For example, I felt relief when my grandmother died. She was a mean, hateful, spiteful, vindictive woman who haunts me (literally) to this day. I am not sorry she is gone.

I have found, through prayer/meditation/tarot/soul searching/you name it, that it is self-defeating to label our emotional responses as "right" or "wrong." Instead, I have come to believe that we should feel what we feel and then consciously decide what to do with those feelings.

I hope this has helped you in some way. And I hope you find peace. Please accept my sincere condolences for your pain.

[bubblesby2002]

15. Thankyou

eom

[gardenista]

5. First, I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

It's completely normal for you to have these conflicting feelings. I also lost a couple of friends too young, and, sadly, they also contributed to the circumstances of their deaths. But it really helps to remember that they are human, and to forgive them for their human mistakes.

It helped me a lot when I was able to do that, and then move through the greiving process.

Very sorry for your loss. I'm so glad that you got so see him last weekend and tell him how much he's meant to you. What a wonderful gift.

[bubblesby2002]

16. Yeah thank goodness

I saw him. I really am going to miss him though.

[Jack_Dawson]

6. I'm very sorry

That's terrible news. Glad you got to say goodbye.

[Pobeka]

7. The feelings are real. No need to question them.

They are both very legitimate feelings to have right now.

Sorry to hear you lost a good friend.

[KT2000]

8. Wrong! no...but

at some point your anger will give way to forgiveness. Your friend like all of us was not perfect. His failure and/or unwillingness to make changes was not directed at you, it was likely an internal struggle of his, and he was lucky to have a friend around.

Sadly, medicine has veered off into the blame game and increasingly I have seen it become a wedge in friendships. Some people will desert friends who do not make changes for health. Isn't it better that you were his friend and you had the opportunity to tell him so before he passed?

I am sorry for your loss, but something tells me you did not judge him in life, so why start now?

[brook]

9. I like your thoughtful answer.

It is normal to feel some anger - under any circumstances - when someone you love dies. I dislike the *blame game* intensely. I had an awful time of it when my Dad passed away. In a nutshell, he didn't have what the doctors said he had ("he must have lung cancer from smokingfor fifty years") - the "assumptiom" led to his death which was caused by an untreated bacteria. I was angry beyond belief and blamed myself for not fighting harder - for not knowing how to "save him". After a few years, I came to realize that when it's time to go, one goes. The circumstances don't mean a thing.It's all part of the Karmic pattern.

None of what I've said can minimize the pain of the loss. I hope it helps in dealing with it though.

[bubblesby2002]

17. Thank you

Your thoughts have taken the icy bits from me and replaced them with warm bits. Again thankyou.

[bleedingheart]

10. No your not wrong to be angry and sad

my dad died when I was a child and he could have lived longer...but he chose to smoke and drink until he died...

[latebloomer]

11. I understand your conflict

It's so maddening to watch someone you care about slowly committing suicide-- as my dad did with cigarettes. Mostly I just felt pain, though, that he was so unable to control this compulsion.

Coincidence-- I'm a therapist and one of my longtime clients also died suddenly of a heart attack this past Saturday-- he too had a history of heart disease and just could not stop smoking. Sweet guy, and I am still trying to get my mind around the idea that he is never coming back.

[Mass_Liberal]

14. I'm very sorry

[UrbScotty]

18. I will keep you and your friend in my thoughts. (nt)

[ScreamingMeemie]

19. Not wrong at all bubbles...It's right to be angry that this friend was

not in your life as long as he could have been. My heart goes out to you, but I am glad you were able to express how much he meant to you.

Take care and lots of hugs, Laura

[Interrobang]

20. No, you're not wrong.

I had a friend who was a fragile diabetic who didn't take care of himself because he really believed he was immortal and/or invincible (I almost typed "immoral" there; he was that, too, but in a good way) until the troubles started. He didn't get out of his 40s, and that's a real loss to me. The last time I saw him, he had a dialysis tube sticking out of his chest, continence pants on, and he smelled like death. It broke my heart, and yeah, I was angry that he hadn't taken his health seriously.

You may want to read up on grief stages, because in many cases anger is a very normal response. The stages don't necessarily pass evenly, either. You can go from being in denial to being angry to being just plain sad, then suddenly back to denial again, then back to sad. It's a very complex issue, and I wish you good luck in dealing with it. Sorry to hear of your loss...

[RFKHumphreyObama]

21. My sincere and heartfelt condolences on your loss

And my thoughts, prayers and sympathies are extended to both you and his family.