Here's the number one reason not to change your name upon marriage

[WritingIsMyReligion]

according, just now, to MamaWIMR, staunch feminist and an expert in the art of fending off such moronic questions as "You're married? Without the same last name?" and "Doesn't having two last names in the family hinder the unity?" (:eyes:)

"Why do you think I didn't change my name? To fuck with insurance companies, obviously. It couldn't be anything meaningful like appreciating my own name, could it?"

:rofl::rofl:

She is damn crazy, but sometimes she's just hysterical.

On Edit: Damn keyboard.

[Oeditpus Rex]

1. Someone's actually said the 'hinder the unity' thing to her?

When did you guys move to Ohio? :wtf:

[LeftyMom]

4. You aren't kidding about Ohio

I had more strangers ask me personal questions- most related to why my kid's Dad and I never married, a few to do with religion, which seemed to be the local hobby- in a week there than in a lifetime in California. Something there makes people nosy as all hell- I think it has something to do with the mosquito spray trucks. :shrug:

[Blue Diadem]

108. You sure aren't kidding..and I was born and raised here.

I don't remember hearing it growing up or when we lived in the city but what a shock when we moved to where we are now. I can't begin to tell you how many people seemed friendly our first few weeks here. They'd walk up and say hi but then immediately ask about my religion and ethnic roots. Now that I think about it, the local realtor that showed us another house in town had asked the same thing.

mosquito spray trucks..

:rofl:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

5. It was definitely implied.

Some people don't understand how we can be a "real family" with (gasp!) two last names in it. Oh my! Because I definitely undergo an identity crisis every time I think about my mother having a different last name from my father. If anything, all I feel is damn proud that she never felt the need to kowtow to some tradition--in this case, changing her name to her husband's, something she personally finds extremely sexist and without any logic to it--that went against her basic convictions.

[Oeditpus Rex]

9. She doesn't want to be labeled as his property?

Damned feminists, destroying the fabric of our morels. :grr:



What about the children?? :cry:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

14. I know.

I'm so ruined by all this. Because of my mother keeping her name, why---I'm completely without identity and direction in this world!

:rofl:

[liberaldemocrat7]

63. Morels? What does this have to do with mushrooms? :)

hehe

What if the woman's name was Mankiller? She might want to change it to his then.

Or perhaps he and other men might have gotten scared away from the very beginning by that last name?

[WritingIsMyReligion]

64. Are there really people with the last name of "Mankiller"?

:rofl: if there are. :D

[Left Is Write]

67. Yes.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

72. Wow.

:wow:

[Deep13]

109. Ouch. I'd hate to be in front of a jury with that name. nt

[China_cat]

83. Just to throw in a monkey wrench

wasn't 'her' last name actually her father's?

[WritingIsMyReligion]

84. Indeed yes.

We are discussing that downthread, if you'd like to join in. :hi:

Regardless, by the time my father came prancing around, her name--father's or mother's--had become really hers in a way, and she wasn't changing it.

[Deep13]

107. We live in OH and my wife kept her name. nt

[wildhorses]

2. i like her

:thumbsup:

:hi:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

19. Somedays I can't agree, but she's a riot all around.

And a damned strong woman.

:thumbsup:

[Generic Brad]

3. I've never understood the concept of women changing names at marriage

My wife is not my possession. She is her own person. I encouraged her to retain her maiden name when we got married.

It's also kind of cool because the different last names freak some people out and they think we're living in depraved sin.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

8. Yes! Exactly!

My parents go through that sometimes, though not seriously, since most people who know one know the other, and most people who know my mother are utterly unsurprised by her determination to retain her own goddamned name. The funniest thing is when people within their industry start talking to my mother about my father (a respected industry figure) without realizing that my mother knows this man better than said people ever could. She says it's a hassle, all right, but the best hassle ever, because she knows that in some cases it's better to make waves than run docilely with the current.

[Oeditpus Rex]

12. I always thought if I ever got married

if she wanted to take my name, I'd take hers, too.

People could call us "the Hyphens." :D

[WritingIsMyReligion]

20. That'd be so damned cool.

You'd really fuck with people then!

:thumbsup:

[Oeditpus Rex]

22. Yeah, except

nobody wants to marry me. :cry:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

24. Awwwwww, Rex.

:cry::cry:

:P

[grace0418]

33. Oed, I would totally marry you if I wasn't already married.

You'd make a great husband.

[Oeditpus Rex]

54. Awwwww

:blush:

[Generic Brad]

23. I suggested doing that when I first got married

But my wife nixed the idea. She normally goes along with my unorthodox ideas, but that one was a bit too extreme for her. Still -- I like her last name more than mine.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

25. My father apparently semi-seriously offered to take my mother's last name.

Just to severely fuck everyone up. She nixed it, saying no one should have to sacrifice his/her name for marriage.

[liberaldemocrat7]

69. If every married couple did this then we would have a hypheNATION :)

:)

[Qanisqineq]

17. that's why I kept my last name

I am not a possession and changing my name made me feel like one.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

21. Too true, too true.

Makes me feel awful just thinking about it. I'm surprised at how many women still do it, but as long as they feel all right...

[Left Is Write]

36. I'm no more my husband's possession by sharing his name...

than I was my father's possession by sharing his.

[graywarrior]

6. Hell, I kept mine.

I ain't part of his clan.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

10. Haha that's exactly what my mom says.

"What do I want to be a (father's last name) for?"

:P

:hi:

[graywarrior]

13. It's a toss up on whose side is crazier.

I say his, he say mine. Regardless, I'd never want to be associated. Hell, I have to fess up to being related to my brother.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

16. LOL.

:rofl::rofl:

[Left Is Write]

50. I took my husband's name.

I also happily accepted his mother and stepfather, who do not have the same name.

I've never even MET the rat-bastard he got his name from.

[AllegroRondo]

110. My wife changed hers for the same reason

she wanted to escape her clan.

[Gormy Cuss]

7. How the hell did she end up with a kid like you?

Oh wait.
:rofl:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

11. I think the fierceness is inherited.

Neither of us backs down. I'm just more quiet and stolid in my resistance, while she goes up like a torch. :P

:hi:

[Oeditpus Rex]

15. Yeah, and you never say a word

:rofl:




:hug: Kid.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

18. Silent as the grave.

We're different--I'm far more level-headed some days, and I have my father's relative emotional impassivity and tendency to procrastinate--but somehow similar, too.

:hug:

[Lisa]

26. in my case, I've been publishing academic papers under my own name ...

.... for more than a decade now, and I have to consider the continuity factor!

[WritingIsMyReligion]

27. Very true.

:thumbsup:

[Midlodemocrat]

28. Except that the argument that not changing one's name

upon getting married is a 'feminist' thing is utter bullshit, because by definition, most American women have their FATHER's surnames and not their MOTHER'S.

Obviously, not true in a lot of cultures, but it is the norm here.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

29. True, but what the hell are you gonna do?

Stick to your father's name or your husband's? Sucks to think about it. I'm very, very unique in that I have both of my parents' last names in my full name (mother's last name is my first name, and then I share my last name with my father). To me that represents being uniquely an honest representation of both my parents, and I personally do not plan on ever changing that, that connection, via name, to both man and woman, both father and mother. :shrug:

[China_cat]

85. Pick one that truly is your own.

[Gormy Cuss]

51. That argument explains how we are assigned names at birth in this culture

and is arguably irrelevant to the issue. Many children of unmarried mothers are in fact known by a matronymic surname. Should these people, or at least the males, change to their wife's surname when they marry too? After all, their surname isn't theirs, it's their mother's.

It is a feminist issue to me. It's my name now, it's my identity for life. As for being the norm here, it's less so with each passing year. It's changed in part because of native born women choosing to retain their own name in some fashion and because of immigrants from cultures where the tradition is that marriage is not a renaming event.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

53. "It's my name now, it's my identity for life."

That's exactly what I think, too. Maybe I didn't pick the name, but it's what I am, and unless I have damn good reason, I'm not going to go through all the hoops to change it, especially not for what I consider to be a stupid reason such as getting married.

[Left Is Write]

62. I was unmarried when my oldest daughter was born.

I got to be "the decider," and I gave her my last name.

Her father and his family have been bitter about this for years. (The kid is 20 now.) He actually told my daughter and my parents that I "stole" her "rightful heritage" from her by giving her my name and not his. I told him that she had just as much right to her maternal heritage as she did to her paternal heritage. I haven't noticed her rushing off to change her name now that she's an adult.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

66. Wow, are you serious?

Dad sounds--no offense to you intended--like a bit of a whackjob in that regard. :crazy:

[Left Is Write]

71. I'm definitely serious, and "whack job" is one of the nicer things I can say about him.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

75. LOL.

:rofl:

[Gormy Cuss]

86. In all seriousness, that batshit "heritage" argument is one that swayed me when I was a teen.

A child's heritage comes from both parents, not just the one with naming rights.

I grew up in a low income community where there more more kids with the "wrong" surname than not. Some had their mother's name, some had the name of their mother's long gone ex-husband because she still used that name. The kids knew that they didn't have their father's surname but they had their own name however it came to them.

I don't tell women individually that they're wrong if they choose to change their name when they marry. I will argue against it in the abstract but I respect that many people still feel strongly about the symbolic gesture. On the other hand, I've heard decades of unsolicited comments about how wrong or ill informed it is for women to keep their own name and it's a hot button issue for me.

[Left Is Write]

87. "A child's heritage comes from both parents, not just the one with naming rights."

Quite true.

As the one with the naming rights, though, I think I did the right thing. :)

[WritingIsMyReligion]

89. I think I love you.

I don't tell women individually that they're wrong if they choose to change their name when they marry. I will argue against it in the abstract but I respect that many people still feel strongly about the symbolic gesture. On the other hand, I've heard decades of unsolicited comments about how wrong or ill informed it is for women to keep their own name and it's a hot button issue for me.

:loveya:

:P :P

:hi:

[Gormy Cuss]

101. Go to your room.

You just said that because I remind you of your mother.
:P

[Orangepeel]

76. I don't think it is bullshit

My name is my name and I've chosen to use it my entire adult life. Whether or not it came from my father's side of the family or mother's doesn't change the fact that it is my name now.

Feminism means different things to different people, but personally I don't think that it has anything to do with my mother's name, my father's name, my husband's mother's name or my husband's father's name. It has to do with my equality with my husband (and everyone else in society) and my right to control my own choices.

I like my husband's last name better than mine. Mine is very common and his is unusual without being difficult to pronounce. I briefly considered adopting it for those reasons, but I chose not to because I already a professional reputation under my own name and I thought it would be silly to use two different last names professionally and personally. But that's the thing -- it was my choice. My parents chose my name when I was a child but I choose it now.

Fortunately, my feminist husband was cool with that (his input was that it was my decision, although he didn't see why women were supposed to change their names and if he were me he wouldn't -- if I hadn't already wanted to marry him, I would have after that! :loveya:)

So anyway, the feminist argument, IMO, is that one should not be expected to change one's name.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

79. Wow, that was a great post.

Your husband sounds like a hell of a keeper to me. :thumbsup:

I agree with nearly--no, scratch that--I agree with everything you said. The expectation to change one's name is sexist, no two ways about it.

:thumbsup::thumbsup:

:hi:

[bridgit]

30. I still have my last name, and don't even consider myself a feminist...

per se :shrug:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

31. Whatever floats your boat.

:D

[bridgit]

96. Oh, we're not talking 'boats' here; we're talking the freedom & liberty...

to be ourselves ;)

[grace0418]

32. I like my last name. It starts with A. So much easier to find when you're on a

guest list or reservation list than "G" which would be my married name. It doesn't *bother* me when people call me by my married name. But legally, I never changed. I think it bothers my husband a wee bit, but he understands.

I never really understood the point. Too each his/her own, I guess.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

34. My mom always corrects people who call her "Mrs. (my father's name)."

Sometimes quite forcibly when they keep making the "lapse"--she says some people do it just to be rude and get some kind of "upper hand" over her, as if they ever could. She used to teach, and boy, would the kids be confused at first! A picture of a husband and daughter on her desk, and only a "Ms." in her name? She got through to them eventually. :D

[grace0418]

35. I don't mind Mrs. (my husband's name) but I REALLY, REALLY hate getting mail

addressed to Mr. and Mrs. (my husband's first name) (my husband's last name). I know that's traditional but that fucking sucks. So not only am I supposed to give up my last name but my first name as well? FUCK THAT NOISE. When we got married, I didn't care what was traditional, and I didn't care if it was too long. I addressed the invitations to Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe (if I knew for sure she changed her name) or Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith (if I knew she didn't).

[WritingIsMyReligion]

37. You're awesome.

FUCK THAT NOISE indeed.

My mom uses her name as a litmus test of sorts. Any mail addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. (dad first) (dad last)" or to "Mrs. (mom first) (dad last)" can't be important, for the only mail she wants is from people who know her actual name. When I was little I was told to hang up the phone on anyone who asked to speak to "Mrs. (dad last)" as it was more than likely a telemarketer.

:D

[grace0418]

41. You're awesome yourself.

And so is your mom! :hi:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

43. Why, thank you.

Just doing what I think makes sense--and shifting hell and gone to have the same last name as a husband, with no reason other than "it's tradition!" isn't sense to me or to my mother.

:D

[grace0418]

46. Word.

One my best friends just married for the second time, and changed her name for the second time (well, actually, the third time because she changed BACK to her maiden name after the divorce). I totally support her choice but I don't see the point, really. Plus her maiden name is pretty darn cool, her initials were A.Z.

And what a pain in the ass having to change all your documents and accounts each time you change your name. I swear that was one reason I never bothered.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

48. Ah man, who'd want to give up the initials A.Z.?

:rofl:

The documents and whatever alone would drive me insane. Changing my name--now that would probably bring about an identity crisis.

:P

[China_cat]

91. We went through that with my husband's work.

He got bent out of shape when everything they sent out was to 'Mr. and Mrs.' husband's names...even to the female employees. Luckily, as union steward, he got listened to more than anybody else and finally got it changed so that things specifically for the employee were addressed to the employee and anything for the family was addressed to 'family worker's name' or to 'Jane and John Employee'.

[eyesroll]

111. I've gotten that and I'm not even married.

My SO and I will retain our respective last names should we get married...but we've still gotten "Mr. and Mrs. J HisLast" (on political invitations no less) from people who just assume we're married and I've taken his name.

[FloridaJudy]

38. And the number two reason

I once knew a woman named "Lily White" (what were her parents thinking?). She fell in love with - and married - Mr. Hands. This is a woman who should have kept her maiden name regardless of how odd it seemed.

The only reason I ever changed mine is there are three full pages of people with my maiden name in the phone book, and less than half a page of people with my (now) ex-husband's. I was sick and tired of being confused with the other 30 women in town who shared my exact name - particularly when one of them got arrested or died. Reading my own obituary was really creepy. Coming to work in the morning and having my colleagues do a double-take and exclaim "But we read that you'd died!" was even more so.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

40. Haha, that is funny in a strange way.

I'm sorry if this is too personal a question--you can just ignore it if you like--but since you said "now ex-" I'm assuming you were divorced. Did you keep the ex's name or change back to your maiden name or what after you were diovrced? Only reason I ask is because I know a woman who divorced but just kept the bastard's last name rather than go back to her maiden name, which I found rather odd, but whatever. I was wondering how common that is.

[Left Is Write]

44. Were there children involved?

It would not be unusual for a divorced woman to prefer keeping the same name her children have.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

45. No, which is why I found it especially odd.

But again, whatever. I suppose it was just too much of a hassle to change back. :shrug:

[Left Is Write]

47. It could have been.

I don't know if there are more hoops to jump through for changing one's name upon divorce than there are for changing it upon marriage.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

49. True.

I've been told it's comparatively easy to change name with marriage--you only need like the marriage license and one other thing, I think--but it's probably a pain to go back.

[Left Is Write]

52. All you usually have to do is indicate on the license application

what the name after marriage will be.

You still have to change over your Social Security card, driver's license, bank accounts, credit cards, and various and sundry other items, which can be time consuming.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

55. Aaack, I'm getting a headache just thinking about all that.

:scared:

[Left Is Write]

59. It's been ten years since I did it, and I don't remember having any problems.

That doesn't mean I didn't. I just means I don't remember any.

Two weeks ago, I filled out a form with Cathy Birthname. I've been Cathy Marriedname for ten years!

[WritingIsMyReligion]

61. LOL.

:rofl:

[Left Is Write]

65. In my defense, I'm old, and my faculties are going.

Old habits are very, very hard to break.

I love my birth name. It's definitely part of who I am, and I identify strongly with my family and my roots. However, I also love sharing a name with my husband. Neither emotion is better than the other, but changing my name was not something I did lightly.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

70. It's okay, I get it.

Personally the idea of sharing a name with a future husband isn't enough of an impetus for me to want to bother--it's not that it's totally a deterrent, it just doesn't make me feel happy inside at the thought of it, and I quite frankly am in love with my birth name. :D

[FloridaJudy]

57. I kept the ex's for professional reasons

It would have been too much hassle to switch the names on my professional license. Plus, as I mentioned, my maiden name was so common I was frequently confused with others of the same name - which is really alarming when it happens to your medical records, as it has to me. Also, arrest warrants are no joke.

The incident of my "death" was really funny, in a grotesque way. The poor woman who died not only shared my name, but according to the obituary, she was my age and a nurse as well. I can see why my co-workers thought I was a ghost when I walked in - they were already arranging a memorial. As Mark Twain once quipped on a similar occasion "The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated".

I've often considered taking an entirely different last name. My mother's maiden name would be suitably exotic, but I'm probably too set in my ways to make the switch now.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

60. Wow, that's insane.

My birth name is probably unique (or damn close to it) in the US, so that's not an issue for me. The same for my mom.

:)

[mopinko]

39. i not only kept my name, we took turns naming the kids.

my sister said- won't the kids get confused? i said- we didn't pick them out of the phone book! there are only two.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

42. Wow.

That amuses me greatly, actually. Glad to see some more creativity in naming! :D

[mopinko]

56. it went like this-

when i got the last name, he got the first name. my picks were all old family names, and one daughter, who is named after my mom and her mom, has my mom's maiden name for her middle name.
we had 4. so there was lots to share.
i have a son that has my last name. there is only one other boy among the grandkids that has the family name, although there are 21 of them. but he doesn't "count".

[WritingIsMyReligion]

58. That's pretty cool.

:thumbsup:

[mopinko]

81. it has never bothered anyone besides my family

blended families are so common. :shrug:
i never wanted to change my name because women get lost to history that way. not that i really think i will make any kind of history, but.....

[WritingIsMyReligion]

82. Family can be strange that way.

Certainly I do things that annoy my family but no one else...

:shrug:

:hi:

[VenusRising]

68. I love that I took my husband's last name.

We both had French last names and I hated my middle name.

My last name worked better as a middle name, so I axed my original middle name and used my last name as my new middle name and took my husband's last name as my new last name. :)

No hyphens used.

[Left Is Write]

73. I considered doing that too, but I really really really really like my middle name.

[VenusRising]

77. Mine was Lee.

So boring and unoriginal for a girl.

Even a different spelling would have been better.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

74. Hyphens to me are almost worse than taking his name.

So clunky and, quite frankly, rather pretentious, at least in my humble opinion. :D

Glad you're happy with the result of your own choice, though. ;)

[VenusRising]

78. Hyphens only bother me if

only the woman hyphenated.

I knew a couple where they both went by the hyphenated version, and it seemed less pretentious.

Maybe because they were friends. :shrug:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

80. Yeah, only the woman hyphenating makes me feel strange inside.

:scared:

[REP]

106. My Maiden Name is Hyphenated, and I Kept It

Neither one of has names anyone can spell or pronounce (his is legitimately odd; mine isn't that weird) and once people figure out we're married and my hyphenated name does not contain his name, well - heads explode.

[WildEyedLiberal]

103. I dated a kid with a hyphenated name

His dad was Joe X, and his mom was Jane Y, so he was Jack X-Y. I understand and respect why they chose to do it like that, but the end result was kind of pretentious.

Although he WAS a pretentious jackass so maybe that's just my own bias coming through.

[Beausoir]

88. I kept my own name when I married my husband. I did not consult him about my decision.

I have always felt skeevy about women who suddenly lose their last name just because they get married.

Yuck.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

90. OMG u didnt consoolt hm?

U feminazi!

:sarcasm: x 1000

And as an aside, I love the word "skeevy." :thumbsup:

[Beausoir]

97. My father suggested I keep my identity. I guess that makes me an anti-feminist?

:shrug:

:cry:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

98. You fail.

:sarcasm:

:P :P

:cry:

:P

[Left Is Write]

92. Hey, wait a minute. Your mother didn't take your father's name.

However, I noticed that you have taken the liberty of squashing her identity by attaching her to YOUR name.

"MamaWIMR" indeed.

Does she know you did that?

Bad daughter! Bad!

[WritingIsMyReligion]

94. HAHA!

I noticed that myself a few minutes after posting. :D

It's rather odd to think how to refer to her as, though. I'm not going to call her by her real name on here, obviously...Maybe I should create a new name altogther for her to free her from the restraints of me!

:rofl:

[legally blonde]

93. I don't plan on changing my name

if I get married. I've never wanted to--I like my last name and feel a strong connection to it, and b/c of my professional license. But mostly b/c I don't want to be "owned"

All of my married friends changed their names and have expressed surprise that I don't plan on doing the same (I'm not sure why b/c I've been saying that for years--maybe they thought I would change my mind or something).

[WritingIsMyReligion]

95. Ah well.

Friends will do as they please, and you'll do as you please. ;)

[momophile]

99. I changed my name and it's not always black and white

I really would have preferred to have my OWN name. However, I didn't really have my own name before I got married. I had a birth name, and then a stepdad's name that I went by for some 30 years. I really like my birth name. But I wasn't about to change it back and offend my stepdad. So it was just easier to take my husband's name. Now neither dad can be upset. And whatever - it's just a name.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

100. I was married twice and divorced twice.

I never changed my name because:

1) I liked my dad's last name, and he was a cool guy and I was proud of being his kid; and

2)I didn't want to be Mrs. Asshole.

:rofl: :rofl:

PS: On the first mistake, we went to the courthouse in Bexar County and tried to fill out a Declaration of Common Law Marriage. The clerk tore up three forms because I wouldn't change my name. I asked him "Where does it say in the Texas Family Code that I have to change my name to his? Show me the statute.". We were both in college.

Of course, he couldn't, and refused to register our marriage. So he committed a misdemeanor by not discharging the duties of his office. We went to a lawyer for advice and he said "Go to the JP and get a regular ceremony".

[DarkTirade]

102. It's funny, but thanks to the whole newfangled idea of not changing names,

the only person who shares my last name who is related to me is my brother. My mom got married young, realized it was a mistake and left, but when she married my dad, she kept her new last name. Our dad left when we were kids, and we dropped his last name. Then when she married my stepdad, she decided to take his name. :) So now it's just me and my brother... with a last name that isn't from our mom OR our dad.

Slightly off topic, but I like telling funny anecdotes. :)

[greymattermom]

104. litmus test

I use the name test too. The only people who ever call me Mrs. last name are either home repair types or don't know me. I'm either first name last name or Dr. last name. I told my kids that if they answer the phone and someone asks for Mrs. last name to just get rid of the caller. It's my husband's last name, but we were married 37 years ago and I have all my publications in that name.

[B Calm]

105. I'm glad my daughter-in-law took our last name. I now have a

daughter I've always wanted..

[skygazer]

112. I have never changed my last name

And I have three kids with three different last names. The first was born when I was single and got my last name. The second has my first husband's last name. The third has my second husband's last name.

No one in my family has ever been confused about who they were related to or how. It's not really that complicated.

My present SO has said that if we ever got married, he wanted to take my last name. Just to be different. Since we're not getting married, however, it's not an issue. :)