Disgusting offensive joke thread

[mykpart]

A drunk wanders into a Catholic church where the priest is trimming the wicks on the candles. The drunk spots the confessional, his eyes light up and he goes in. The priest thinks, "It's not time for confessions, but this guy really needs help." And the priest goes into the other side of the confessional. After a few moments, when the drunk has said nothing, the priest finally asks, "My son, can I help you?"

"Yeah," says the drunk. "You got any toilet paper over there?"

Ba da BANG!

[Lostmessage]

1. Damn You

I have to find some windex and clean my computer screen off now. I am a Catholic at Christmas time and Easter of course.

[mykpart]

2. Me too! And a priest

told me the joke!

[SmileyBoy]

3. I might get this deleted by the mods, but:

Go to this site for sick, disgusting jokes. It's Jackie Marling's (Howard Stern's former co-host) joke site:

http://www.jokeland.com

[bearfan454]

4. A newlywed couple had been married for 6 months.

The wife thought the husband was losing interest in sex because every Sunday he would sit down at noon with his beer and watch football. She thought maybe she should spice it up. She buys crotchless panties. The next Sunday while he is watching football she comes out with just her panties on. She hikes her leg up and says do you want some of this ? He says hell no look what it did to those panties.

[Lostmessage]

5. Thanks

I just got done cleaning the computer screen off and now I have to do it all over again.

[Lostmessage]

6. Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.

[Lostmessage]

7. Viagra Joke

A man dies "in the act" and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.
The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."

"Well I have no more money,"states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."

The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop. The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you it hurts!"

[Lexingtonian]

8. okay, okay

An elephant looks at a naked man. For a long time.
Then he says: "It must be rough breathing through that little thing."


(from Sri Lanka, via David Letterman!)

[non sociopath skin]

9. So Maria leaves her little village in Ireland ..

to seek fame and fortune in London.

And a couple of weeks later, her mother gets a tearful phone call.

"O, mother, I don't know how to tell you this but .. I've become a prostitute."

"You what????" screams mother despairingly.

"I've become a prostitute."

"O God love us, Jesus be thanked for that." says mom, crossing herself, "For a moment there I thought you said a protestant."

The Skin

[Dees]

10. How can you tell if a Freeper is a virgin?

Doesn't have any brothers or sisters.

[Deja Q]

11. So how do you know it's bedtime in Michael Jackson's home?

When the big hand touches the little hand...

[dolo amber]

12. Ok, but it's REALLY REALLY bad...

A young man is walking on the beach one day, when he sees a woman in a wheelchair on the pier, weeping. He walks over and asks her if she's ok, if she needs any help, etc.

The lady looks up and says "That's very nice of you to offer, but I don't think you could help me. You see, I've been in this wheelchair my entire life. I've never had a boyfriend, never even properly been kissed."

The man thinks a moment, then decides 'Ah what the hell'...leans over and plants a long, wet, passionate kiss on her. She gives him a small smile and says, "That was nice, but y'know, I've never been fucked either." The man rolls his eyes, takes his foot and shoves the chair into the sea.

"There ya go, now you're fucked."

[blondeatlast]

14. Off to confession for laughing at that one.

That's bad . . but funny.

[blockhead]

13. What do Sigfried and the tiger have in common?

They both know what Roy tastes like!

[baldguy]

15. Sick. sick. sick.

Of course there's Dead Baby jokes:

Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.

Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.

Q: What's red and sits in a highchair?
A: A baby eating razor-blades.

Q: What is red and white and squirms in the corner?
A: Dead Baby playing with razor blades.

Q: What is red, white and green and sits in a corner?
A: Same baby 3 weeks later.

Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.

Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?
A1: Baby in a cellophane bag.

and, yes there's more:

http://www.shout.net/~elijah/tasteless/dedbaby.htm
http://www.3oddballz.com/humor/gems/dead_baby.htm

[Timefortruth]

16. A woman comes home from her mammogram and is jumping up and down

on her bed. He husband walks in and says, "stop that you look silly, why are you jumping?" Wife answers, "I had my mammogram today and they said I had the breasts of an 18 year old!" Husband answers, "Well, what about your 45 year old ass?" The Wife replies, "Your name didn't come up."

[Robb]

17. BWA Ha ha ha!!!

I'm filin' that one in the bat-belt for later!!

[Amaya]

18. High- Tech Hillbilly

Three men, one German, one Japanese, and a
hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, 'he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand." The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said...
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[Lostmessage]

19. LOL

[blondeatlast]

20. HAH! Spewing Diet Coke on keyboard!

[Lostmessage]

21. I am still laughing

[MrSlayer]

22. A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street....

when the priest spots a handsome young boy on the opposite side. He says to the Rabbi "Boy, I'd love to fuck him." The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

[ComerPerro]

23. LMAO

Nice, very nice